What time do you let your dd (14, Y9) stay out until?

[aleC4]

Please could I get the opinions of others on this?
Dd says I am totally unreasonable and perhaps I am but it's causing constant arguments.
Ds (16) prefers to socialise with his friends on PlayStation in the evenings and will meet up at weekends.
Dd wants to go out every night after school except the days she has her hobby.
I've said she has to be home for 7 for several reasons. One, she is usually at the park and it's a 20 minute walk alone home. I do pick her up some nights but I will not commit to doing this every night. Two, she is not a great time keeper and always lets her phone die so I feel that shows she's not responsible enough yet and three, the main reason, we don't eat little together at home as a family. I am a single parent and they spend some time with their dad at the weekend.
I see the evening meal as the one time we actually sit down and eat and talk together, otherwise I'd hardly speak to them. I've pushed the evening meal back from 6.30 to 7 to facilitate her staying out until 7 but ds and I dont want to eat later than that.
Please tell me if I am being completely unreasonable, I can take it!

Surprised at some of these responses. It’s summer, there’s no homework or clubs, it’s been a crap year to say the least. Teenagers need some time with their friends, ideally outside.

The problem with being a ‘prison parent’ is that you think you’re safeguarding against something, that in reality you’re not...

And it’s not helpful to micro manage teens. Where is the opportunity for them to build their instincts, within safe boundaries.

A 14 yr old not allowed out alone after 5pm??
That’s just ridiculous, poor kids will be incapable when the else for uni.

@HerMammy

A 14 yr old not allowed out alone after 5pm?? That’s just ridiculous, poor kids will be incapable when the else for uni.

I fail to see how wandering the streets is a requirement for university? Being capable of constructing a sentence is though.

She and her friends have plenty of freedom. 5pm is a wandering the streets/loitering in the park curfew. 8pm is the curfew for more organised catch ups...they're a canny bunch and have clocked that putting a little thought into how they arrange meet ups makes a massive difference.

I didn't wander the streets either and am perfectly capable of holding a job, being a parent, being a carer, being a wife, organising things, socialising with people...basically being a functional adult. What special thing am I missing because I didn't loiter in parks and on street corners?

It's good for them to have down time where they're just hanging out being kids. All this organised fun isn't any good for them.

But I might be projecting a little as I can't afford activities for mine so it's park or nothing really!

Seems perfectly reasonable on a school night to me. 3hrs hanging about in the park daily is plenty of time. You can always offer an early evening meal and time out afterwards during the summer holidays.

Presumably school work will ramp up in September for her GCSE's and easier to not have a huge battle then and as you go into darker evenings.

All that said, if there's a trip to the swimming pool, a cinema or whatever mid week there's no reason not to be flexible if she's keeping her battery charged and generally showing that she can be more mature.

School work aside, what is she doing to pull her weight at home if you are a working single parent and she has zero commitments? Any reason she is not (with any siblings) coming home to help get food on the table, laundry, hoovering done etc?

My 14yr old dd has to be home by 9pm on school nights. She usually comes home from school, makes something to eat, gets changed and heads out.
Her school haven’t been providing homework either.
She’s doing well in school, helps me around the house, keeps her room tidy and is pretty sensible.
I don’t know any of her mates who have to be in by 7pm.
In fact, a couple of her friends are allowed out till 10pm now the summer is here.
My 12 yr old has to be in by 8pm. Although she rarely goes out as she likes having a friend or two round here. They leave just before 8pm

@WTFisNext
Aren’t you the charmer? how dare I have a typo 🤣
These kids are not allowed to make
decisions or risk assess when their parents are organising and controlling everything, my point is they will be ill prepared for Oxbridge 🤣
P.S my other 3DC; 1 is a graduate and 2 are at uni, having a own freedom didn’t limit them.

9:30 on a school night he either eats at a friends, buys chips or had something when he gets in.

Wow lots of replies today!
Today is the day dd has decided to have as her one night out until 8pm. So she came home from school which is a 2 mile walk then hit changes and met her friends, a mixed group, at the park.
She rang to ask if it was ok to get a McDonald's with her money so I said yes.
They've walked into town and are currently sitting outside McDonalds eating their food.
After this they are apparently going back to the park to play football then she'll be home for 8.
Those asking about the area I live, I would say it's very mixed. It's a decent sized town with its fair share of trouble but not awful.
She will walk home through a residential area.
Hopefully if she sticks to the rules this can continue.
To add, some of the comments about teenagers who play in the park not having good prospects are dreadful. For what it's worth, dd does very well at school despite being dyslexic and is in top sets for all her subjects.

@HerMammy. I call it responsible parenting and it's the same parenting my children's contemporaries, DH and I received. I wonder how many of these dc who hang around parks until it's dark on school nights end up at Oxbridge?

Oxbridge isn’t the be all and end all. My ds hung out a bit. He works for ITN now. Managed to get there without Oxbridge. What a horrible narrow minded superior comment.

Dd never wants to go anywhere.

During the week my ds15 usually takes a very slow wander home with his friends and often goes to the gym, and he has rugby training. He is expected to be in for dinner though on a week day so I actually think the 7pm rule is OK. Ds never really asks to go out during the week but I would probably say the same as you.
At the weekend we are more flexible though - 9.30 is the curfew if he's just 'out', 10-10.30 if he's at someone's house.
What does your dd do at the weekends? Could you meet half way and have a later time at the weekend?

My DS Yr 9 is in bed at 9am!!! We have to be up at 5.45am and out the house at 6.45am everyday though.
DS doesn't go out at all in the week. Rarely at weekends but does in the holidays.

What are these kids doing? Don't they have homework to do? Clubs?? I'm shocked at how many of your children are out in the week while mine son is doing homework...

@Overdueanamechange

I'm afraid I'm a bit of a prison guard parent. My children don't see friends in the week, we have homework, hobbies etc. Weekends are fine but restricted to daytime only. To be fair not once have they asked to be out at night (unless its an event) none of their friends parents would allow it either. We live in a sad world, they have so much less freedom than I did at that age.

phew I thought i was the only parent!

@RosesAndHellebores

I suspect I'd be changing the school as a priority. Sunday to Thursday - no socialising except for organised sports/music clubs. Those nights are for homework, and getting ready for the next day.

Weekends - organised things with agreed organised times at organised venues: parties, cinema, other social occasions.

@RosesAndHellebores why?

OP, glad the compromise award to have worked - Hope it continues like this.

Appears not award

We have meal early then homework (if any) then 14 yo DS goes to play football until 8:30 at the latest.

To be fair, even my 17yr old doesn’t go out on school nights as they are busy with school work and music practice. I’m not saying they couldn’t-they do occasionally meet a friend for a walk, but really they save socialising for weekends
For me, I’d probably say 8.30/9 BUT, that would be in the premise that they show maturity to be back at the time agreed and be contactable on phone and that it would only be 3x/week and they can choose which ones

@NCTDN because the OP has been perfectly clear there is no homework and will be none until.September due to Covid and has said that's another issue. When the homework stopped I don't know, but I assume there must be an enormous amount of catching up to do.

It's interesting that children "playing out" (normal round here from age 8/9) is apparently a "good thing" but teens "hanging out" (where they might literally be doing the same things as the playing out younger children) is a "bad thing". Why is this, I wonder? In my DC's case, playing out naturally turned into meeting friends after school or in the evening. And it's just convenient that these meetups are often in the park.

(Although I imagine most of the parents that don't let their teens out probably didn't let their younger children play out either)?

9 to 10pm ok if homework done especially in summer.
She could leave home at 16.
Maybe abit earlier in winter if you can't collect.

Laughing at the idea that kids who hang around parks don’t do well at school. I’m proof they do, alongside many, many others

All went well last night.
She was home for 8pm and brought a couple of friends who were waiting for lifts. They played on the trampoline until 8.15 when their parents arrived.
She's decided she's staying at home tonight as her best friend has a club so that's good.
Her rugby starts back in July on Thursdays and Sundays then from September will be Wednesdays as well so she'll have less evenings to go out anyway.
Last night she thanked me for letting her stay out and I thanked her for being home on time - it was frighteningly civil! 🤣🤣
I think the summer holidays will be less of an issue as she can be out all day if she chooses.

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@HerMammy. I call it responsible parenting and it's the same parenting my children's contemporaries, DH and I received. I wonder how many of these dc who hang around parks until it's dark on school nights end up at Oxbridge?[/quote]
Aw that's cute