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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Who reads their tween/teen's phone messages on the sly?

100 replies

NorahNorah · 03/04/2021 02:30

Who does this, and is there any moral dilemma?
If you're ok with it, please explain yr reasoning - and if yr not, say why.
Getting lots of white lies at the mo and worrying more and more.
Thnx in advance :-)

OP posts:

RavingAnnie · 03/04/2021 02:43

Why read on the sly? Just be upfront that you will monitor their messages, internet and social media use. Then do this regularly.

If they want private conversations with friends this can be over the phone or face to face.

I did this mainly to ensure there was no cyber bullying going on or anything else worrying. It was to protect my child. I made it clear though from day one of having devices that I would be monitoring and why.

Does depend on age though. I wouldn't do this with a 17 year old. As my son got older the monitoring decreased.

Butterfly44 · 03/04/2021 02:52

No. I have glanced at her notifications as she gets like 500 a day....it's all one word nonsensical boring conversations. Quite happy to leave her too it. She would absolutely come to me if there was some to worry about.

giggly · 03/04/2021 02:57

Yup I checked dc phones and they know as I often do so when sitting with them. I am not particularly interested in their conversations but want to keep an eye on any bullying/ grooming.
They are not bothered as it’s done in a minute.

Original poster

NorahNorah · 03/04/2021 03:00

Agree about the difference for older vs younger.
Though for 12/13/14 or younger/older depending - there's their want, desire, like a need, for control, space, privacy etc - on top of maaany things going on for them.
I don't know if they can be open, honest with parents, and it seems they're not talking, or expressing themselves in a healthy way that would benefit them.
Plus, couldn't they just set up other accounts for messaging, that they'd keep to themselve

OP posts:

Original poster

NorahNorah · 03/04/2021 03:04

Checking, sure, but then are they assuming you're not reading through their chats? How else would you look for the things you mention @giggly @Butterfly44 ?

OP posts:

giggly · 03/04/2021 03:08

I’m looking for names of people I don’t know and the ones that they don’t seem to know. A quick glance through the general boring teen chat is enough to spot anything out of the ordinary

user1487194234 · 03/04/2021 03:10

No I don’t
I respect their privacy and also feel that as they are way ahead of me IT wise they could probably hide anything they don’t want me to see
I am confident I would know if there were any issues

avamiah · 03/04/2021 03:24

My daughter is 11 and I bought her a iPhone when she was 10.
I monitor her phone but we have a great relationship and no secrets .

MixedUpFiles · 03/04/2021 05:32

My dd is 12. I am totally honest that I have access to anything she does on her phone because it’s my job to teach her to use it safely. We also talk about how unlike a face to face conversation or a private diary, once she posts something online she loses all control and it can exist forever. The consequences of that for a young child are just too huge to not provide guidance.

Sparklingbrook · 03/04/2021 05:41

Never have. Never looked at their phones at all.

If you have reason to believe there's an issue (the white lies) you might want to though.

user1497787065 · 03/04/2021 06:22

My DD had a friend whose mother checked her phone. Although I'm happy for her to do whatever she thinks is right regarding her daughter what she was doing was also checking up on my DD and their friendship group and all the messages they sent to her DD.

Thebestposter · 03/04/2021 06:24

I’m a teacher. You really should check your kids phones. We tell parents this, they ignore , then something happens and boom

Thebestposter · 03/04/2021 06:24

Laughing at the naivety on here tbh

Forgetaboutme · 03/04/2021 06:31

My son is 14. I haven't looked at his phone in ages but i did do it between the ages of roughly 10 - 13. I can't remember when I stopped. I just remember there was nothing majorly bad on it. Just some bad language and unfunny memes. I never told him I was looking because then he would have just deleted stuff anyway. I was just looking to make sure he wasn't talking to dodgy characters, being bullied or being majorly inappropriate.

paintedpanda · 03/04/2021 06:32

I do. I told DD when she got a phone that I would check it every so often. She's 10, so not many of her friends have phones yet so I never see anything that shouldn't be there (except an unhealthy amount of YouTube videos!).
She has told me about times that have frightened her, such as cold calls and her cousin (13) adding her to group chats with people she doesn't know. She did this without me asking or looking, so I'm confident that she would tell me about anything else that was concerning her. However, I still check anyway, just in case something slips through the net.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 03/04/2021 06:39

I checked mine until they were about 13/14, any older than that I felt was inappropriate.
They both knew I did, as I had their passwords.
It really helped me to check they were ok. I'm close to both my dc but there were a couple of occasions when it helped me gauge what was on their minds and how to support them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/04/2021 07:10

@Thebestposter

I’m a teacher. You really should check your kids phones. We tell parents this, they ignore , then something happens and boom

Exactly. My dd accuses me of stalking her as I check to see where she is where out and about (not constantly) and of not giving her her privacy as I sometimes check on her phone. But that’s unfortunate. She’s 12.

cookiecreampie · 03/04/2021 07:31

I check my 12 year old DS' phone. Not all the time but when I can sense there's something the matter. It's usually obvious what's the issue is by going through the phone and then we can talk about it. He knows I check, he would probably prefer it if I didn't but he's only 12 and I've found inappropriate stuff on his phone before, so he knows they are the conditions of him having a phone.

DrWankincense · 03/04/2021 07:35

Dd will be 14 in summer and I still occasionally check her phone. Much less than I used to because she is getting older and is good at talking to us (and also very bad at hiding when something is wrong).
I said on another thread, she deleted Tiktok herself as she was uncomfortable with some of the content so she is quite responsible.

DrWankincense · 03/04/2021 07:39

Sorry should have said, she knows I do it.
A condition of her having the phone is I have the password.

Wriggleout · 03/04/2021 07:39

Nope, I don't. But we do have open conversations about what is acceptable and what is not frequently. They then develop their own sense of judgement, with my guidance, of what is good and bad. A few things have come up that I've helped them navigate through so it doesn't blow up

midnightstar66 · 03/04/2021 07:40

School regularly send home reminders to sit with your child and go through their phone together. They also ask you to read what's app/group chats regularly as this is where a lot of out of school bullying happens that gets reported to school by parents. This is 10/11/12 year olds though not teens. Maybe that's different, I'm not sure. DD is just 11 so I've no experience of the teen stage yet but the schools advice seems sensible for now

whiteroseredrose · 03/04/2021 07:50

No. I never did. Both DC had phones from Year 6 (and are 21 and 17 now).

Both asked for privacy eg knocking before going into bedrooms and I respected that.

However both DC talked about what was going on with friends, who said what to who etc, DD particularly, so I never felt the need.

Had there been a change in either of them then maybe I would.

Mumski45 · 03/04/2021 07:51

I have 2 DS and yes I do check their phones but not on the sly. It was a condition of them having access to the technology and the apps they wanted. It is a parents responsibility to teach their DC about the dangers posed by online access and to those who think your child will tell you when something is wrong you need to think again. I have a very close friend who has a DS (15) same age as mine and they often do their daily walks together. She has never checked his phone since he got it aged 11 and trusted him to tell her if anything is wrong. He is having a difficult time at the moment and in an attempt to be popular he is getting involved in some nasty misogynistic behaviour which my son has seen online. I currently know far more about this from my son than she does. I am trying to help by finding a good way/time to tell her but she can be defensive and has her head in the sand at the moment. My relationship with my DS is much better than hers despite my 'snooping' and her 'trust'. I think it makes him feel supported whereas the other boy is going through it without any supervision or support.

ThePricklySheep · 03/04/2021 07:51

I would read my daughter’s, but it’s all on Snapchat so it doesn’t ‘keep’ once read.

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