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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Who reads their tween/teen's phone messages on the sly?

100 replies

NorahNorah · 03/04/2021 02:30

Who does this, and is there any moral dilemma?
If you're ok with it, please explain yr reasoning - and if yr not, say why.
Getting lots of white lies at the mo and worrying more and more.
Thnx in advance :-)

OP posts:

Butterfly44 · 03/04/2021 08:30

My daughter is 15 and has an iPhone. The things I track are her whereabouts. She's out and about after school or with friends and 90% time it's at the park. Then I don't have to message and find out where she is and if she's safe. That's a given and she's fine with that. Life360 is a great app for this as it shows trip history. She can track me too!

The other thing is apps and parent control. If she wants an app she has to request from parent first. Parents can also see how long she spends on what app. That's something we definitely do as she spends lots of time on her phone and we've had to restrict to cut use lately to balance other things. She doesn't like to "miss out" on group conversations and lockdown has increased created this as it's been their only form of communication. I follow her on insta and Tiktok. It's set to private but she definitely has followers she doesn't personally know. I don't like anything as I'm mum, but admit I do look at her posts and comments. Couple of times over the years she's restricted my view on insta and I asked why, and it was because she didn't want me viewing her 'live' story when with friends which is totally understandable! I never click on those notifications now and give her privacy.

She has a fair amount of freedom and she respects that to have that there's trust. We also have a good relationship that she would tell me if something was going on as she knows I'm on her side to help and won't freak out. We discuss issues all the time. I'm very keen on having an open trusting relationship so she comes to me. I never had that with my own parents and I definitely hid loads and lied so I've worked to gain what we have now. Character also plays a part, she's largely sensible and has had to deal with medical stuff her other peers don't which has definitely made her resilient.

Teenage years are hard and everyone is so different. OP, sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind; so if you need to delete apps or take phone away then do - just let them know it's temporary and due to worry than punishment, and they get it back when you feel they can be completely honesty. If it means them giving you their password so you can monitor for safeguarding and trust them, then that's the arrangement you need to come up with. I've not had to do this but if I did, I would think carefully what to say as their instinct will be defensive. I'd want an open conversation to get them to understand why there is no privacy and boundaries put in place; and how we move forward from there.

Original poster

NorahNorah · 03/04/2021 16:39

It's not tiktok, YouTube etc so much as keeping up with what's going on for them day to day. Of course they may "know" you check their phones , but do they know that involves reading the chats with their schoolmates, friends etc?

OP posts:

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 03/04/2021 16:45

There are situations where trusting your child and allowing them space and freedom are appropriate but phones and especially social media are not it.

It is irresponsible to just let your children get on with it IMO. No matter how good you think your relationship is.

vdbfamily · 03/04/2021 16:48

Ours are now nearly it 14.5/16/18 but we when younger were checked. When youngest was 12, we had not checked for a while and I had a sense I needed to. What I found them involved police, safeguarding, school and was quite traumatic. She was quite naive and possibly autistic which I think makes it a bit more difficult for the child but please please check your children's phones at least until they are 14/15 ISH. After that she I think you just have to keep up the very open conversations and bring up news stories of sexting/ revenge porn/ stranger danger etc as kids are far far too trusting online generally.

Allington · 03/04/2021 16:55

I don't do it on the sly, I do it openly. DD is 13, she knows that the deal with having a phone is that I can check it anytime. I do every now and again, and it is full of tedious teen in jokes.

But I think knowing I check it has two benefits - it makes her think twice about anything dubious, and it gives her a face-saving way out of anything that doesn't feel right to her (my Mum checks my phone, it's soooo unfair, but don't send xyz)

Original poster

NorahNorah · 03/04/2021 17:00

Fair enough @vdbfamily but we didn't/don't follow the kids around from a distance when they go out - binoculars to see who they're with and what they do.
I don't see socials as any different . What is different is that we're not meeting their friends, lockdown aside, they're not coming over for supper , meeting at someone's home first etc and friendships etc that may have started at school, then develop outside of school, via phones etc.
Would stopping phone use, but pushing computer use be a possible way forward?

OP posts:

sunshineandshowers21 · 03/04/2021 17:02

my son’s 13 and i haven’t checked his phone for about two years. as far as i’m concerned he’s entitled to privacy just as much as i am. i don’t track him either. he tells me where he’s going and roughly what time he’ll be back and i let him get on with it. my parents never tracked my movements or read my private conversations and we have an incredible relationship so i do the same with my son.

Original poster

NorahNorah · 03/04/2021 17:09

But @Allington do you not allow Snapchat and similar , whatsapp does dissapearing msgs now, and they can easy get their own simcards too - won't there always be things that the children dont want to share/talk about with parents?

OP posts:

Original poster

NorahNorah · 03/04/2021 17:14

Remember cordless landline phones? Like finally you could talk in the cupboard under the stairs - still be heard by everyone - now, say wtf you want to whomever you want and practically whenever, and noooobody knows

OP posts:

Midlifelady · 03/04/2021 17:17

No. I trust them to tell me if they are experiencing anything untoward, and I do do think they should have privacy.
My children did not have phones until secondary school and my daughter does not do social media (she barely texts at all - just couldn't care less about other people).
My son has form for breaking his phone and has occasionally borrowed mine - I did read a brief exchange with his gf once, but it was just too cute and mundane! I think there was a time of Instagram 'banter', mainly over football teams, but that's all done with now.

sunshineandshowers21 · 03/04/2021 17:20

@NorahNorah i used to go to the phone box down the road to have my private conversations 😂 half an hour for 50p i think it was. i’d be in there hours some days.

saffire · 03/04/2021 17:21

I'm upfront that I read dd's messages- and she's really good at telling me if there's anything that concerns her.
There's only certain "friends" that I actually check on, with a history of bullying from those girls, I've actually picked up a few horrible messages.

Allington · 03/04/2021 18:18

Actually DD has broken so many phones she doesn't have one at the moment but uses mine to Whatsapp friends. No Snapchat. WhatsApp shows if a message has been deleted, and if it was happening regularly I would ask questions. I don't bother if it is with her older sister or her godmothers/ other adults I trust, and she knows I don't check those conversations. I would rather that she has access to people I trust for things where she wants an outside perspective.

Her other access to the internet is through the school provided laptop, which has a high level of automatic alerts - some of which she has triggered but have caused useful talking points.

But at 13, yes, I would not allow completely unsupervised access. I will continue to be open about, and willing to discuss, supervision. As she gets older she will get more privacy. She knows I want her to be safe, and that she is allowed to criticise me!

RoseZinfandel · 03/04/2021 18:36

Not on the sly.

When she first got a phone (end of year 6) I monitored regularly - it was a condition of having the phone.

Now I retain the right to ask to check it, but seldom do. I aim not to be intrusive, but I do want to be supportive.
It's up to me to support Dd to become a responsible, independent phone user, not just leave her to it.

I do have a "no phones in bedrooms" rule, so I sometimes see messages flash up when the phone is in the living room and Dd in her room.
I usually shout upstairs if it is e.g. a request to meet up, or FaceTime or something. Dd usually shouts back "can you reply and say yes". Random emoticons or pictures I just leave for Dd.

Original poster

NorahNorah · 03/04/2021 23:08

@sunshineandshowers21 🤙🤙 phonebox was too far away from our's, but the cordless made it to the garage, line crackling like crazy 📞📺☎️

OP posts:

Original poster

NorahNorah · 03/04/2021 23:13

And is everyone really saying that their children don't have girlfriends/boyfriends/partners .. ? And prolly don't want their folks looking in on that .. ?
I'm not suggesting anything illegal or wrong is being messaged - but if they knew you were going to read their messages with bf/gf/partner or just plain friend - that would change everything about how they choose to communicate with their peers ... , no .. ?

OP posts:

JustDanceAddict · 04/04/2021 00:02

I used to look at notifications as was WhatsApp, now it’s Snapchat and you can’t!!
When they were young teens they knew we looked at their messages, but I haven’t for years.

Stichintime · 04/04/2021 00:04

Tried once, couldn't understand a word of it!

Strangekindofwoman · 04/04/2021 00:07

They just delete what they don't want you to see.

I never checked my kids phones.

Branleuse · 04/04/2021 00:13

Sometimes I do check messages and internet history on the computer. I am usually careful to be discreet though

Allington · 04/04/2021 05:00

DD is 13. A bit young to be messaging anything intimate. Once she is old enough to pay for her own phone she is old enough not to need supervision.

And as I have said, her school has far higher levels of automatic supervision on her laptop, for her protection.

apurplecar · 04/04/2021 05:37

@Strangekindofwoman

They just delete what they don't want you to see.

I never checked my kids phones.

But they don't necessarily know what to delete.

You may find something inappropriate that they think is completely fine. This is where you can educate them.

Thebestposter · 04/04/2021 06:56

@midnightstar66

School regularly send home reminders to sit with your child and go through their phone together. They also ask you to read what's app/group chats regularly as this is where a lot of out of school bullying happens that gets reported to school by parents. This is 10/11/12 year olds though not teens. Maybe that's different, I'm not sure. DD is just 11 so I've no experience of the teen stage yet but the schools advice seems sensible for now

This. But it’s for “other parents “ apparently.

nohelp · 04/04/2021 07:07

I’m completely upfront with my kids and I loaded an App that monitors their usage. We’ve all agreed on it. I’ve seen to many car crashes on WhatsApp. It’s been a hard slog but as times gone by they’re actually grateful. My DS has a lot of friends now worried about what they’ve written in the past.

Oblomov21 · 04/04/2021 07:13

Never.
Twice with both ds's there was a minor problem and I asked them to show me their phone.

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