Who reads their tween/teen's phone messages on the sly?

[NorahNorah]

Who does this, and is there any moral dilemma?
If you're ok with it, please explain yr reasoning - and if yr not, say why.
Getting lots of white lies at the mo and worrying more and more.
Thnx in advance :-)

I checked 14yo DS's phone for a long time but never saw anything dodgy or unkind at all. His mates are actually quite funny. He's quite open with me.

12yo DD, have to do it on the sly as she won't let me near her phone. I know the kids she's talking too. I'm still terrified and don't trust her.

I check my 11yo's phone. And I'm glad i do because I've been shocked by some of the stuff on there! It does make me wish for a simpler time when none of this shit existed...

@picknmix1984

No because that sly behaviour will come back to bite you when they have a really significant issue and they don't feel they can trust you and know you don't trust them. No matter how sly you think you are being. Your child will know you have been snooping!

So are you saying I shouldn't have checked my daughter's phone? Despite what I found and the risks I was able mitigate?

I have DC age 11 to 15 and IMO it's a progression. So I check my 11yo's phone (and he knows I do) but not my 15yo's (because at that age I think he needs a bit more trust and independence).

I never even considered doing this and treated my daughter with respect. The only time I would ever habe considered it was if I thought something was very wrong, and even then I don’t think I’d do it “on the sly”

I honestly can’t believe how some people raise their children, they are humans and the way to teach them respect is to treat them with it.

@Bluntness100

I never even considered doing this and treated my daughter with respect. The only time I would ever habe considered it was if I thought something was very wrong, and even then I don’t think I’d do it “on the sly”

I honestly can’t believe how some people raise their children, they are humans and the way to teach them respect is to treat them with it.

My daughter was being groomed. I'm really glad I found out and was able to put a stop to it, even if it contravenes your idea of treating her with "respect".

My 10yo got a phone for Christmas and we check it as and when we choose, this is a condition of him having it. DH or I usually check it every night and yes we do read through all the messages etc. The only social media he's allowed is WhatsApp and we check that too. We also check the internet search history. He tends to use WhatsApp for calls mostly. We know all of the people whose numbers he has, and their parents so can raise any issues if we need to. He had one school friend sending inappropriate memes etc but he text him and said 'please don't send me stuff like that as my mum checks my phone' and it has stopped.

There are group chats with sooooo many children, and then other chat groups splinter off and so on.
With a change of school plus LD it's dif to keep up with who's a friend - "friend" means what anyway?
Sure, there are friends of many years and friends of just a few days - but surely impossible to keep up with everyone children may be messaging.

Bluntness, my DD was 12 when we found a number of dick pics on her phone, mainly from kids in her school, mostly 2-3 years older, one had just been elected head boy. I guarantee you , most of them would have parents who were trusting them to be sensible. I kept her phone for a couple of days and she had messages popping up from school friends trying to persuade her to send explicit photos/videos. I was horrified. I wish now I had tracked down and spoken to each of the parents but we left it with school safeguarding officer and have no idea how it was dealt with.

Holy moly @vdbfamily were you able to talk with her, is a useful/productive way ? if not abt the pics specifically, perhaps around what brought them about?

in*

I don't do it on the sly. I tell them I need to check their phone and they hand it over!

My Mum did right up until I was 18. She said it's because she thinks I'm "very vulnerable", because of a four year brain delay. I'm 19 now and she still asks me about my friends and what's going on in my social life (I really don't have one) but she tends to take my word for it now. She's always had a shield on the wifi to prevent us from viewing porn/inappropriate content etc (not that I've actually tried, I'm not interested in that all). But kids that age, I'd be really quite cautious over what they do on there phone, who they talk to etc. But I'd also want to make sure I don't invade their privacy as all this will do is make them more distant from you, because the chances are you won't find anything anyway

Norah, I am not sure we really got completely to the bottom of it but as a result she came off all social media and seems to now prefer gaming online to her phone. She has difficulty with normal socialising and very likely is autistic but does not want to be labelled but it's having CBT for some sensory issues currently and the psychologist thinks we need to get her assessed. This may have been a factor that in order to try and make' friends' she thought engaging in this sort of thing was expected. It was a horrible time but very eye opening as to what some of the well thought of boys in her school were engaging in( with a much younger girl) She is also an August birthday so always trying to keep up. Was not really old enough to be on social media but all her friends were and it felt hard to say no when that was how they all chatted.

Surely it's better that they know you're reading there messages? That way they are much less likely to send anything they shouldn't (I'm sure you know what I mean by that) to anyone.

hi there.
ive come on here (14 yo daughter) to say that if you feel like your child is in danger/has a serious problem, then i would go to them and read their messages, and tell them you do/did that. when my mother used to read my messages behind my back while i was in no danger whatsoever, it felt incredibly invasive. i wasnt hiding anything, but when me and my friends are having deeper conversations i am so uncomfortable with parents reading that.

@megletthesecond what is it you’re concerned about with your daughter when you say you don’t trust her?

Thanks @teenperspective and @britboy, though I disagree. Everyone has a right to privacy, bit how realistic is it? I don't think it's unfair to say that children will tell their parents what's "safe" to tell.
And do young adults/adolescents need support/protecting or not? (And everyone does in a way).

To many adults and parents, teenagers are thought of as irrational , unpredictable etc etc Whether that's right or wrong is another matter. I know many adults who hold that opinion of young adults, and in that mindset will easily find reasons, point to irrational behaviour thereby justifying a course of action - just out of love for their offspring and wanting to take care of them.
Seems a very thin line between what's ok and what's intrusive, when you're just trying to do the best you can.

toomany about anything. She doesn't talk to me. Can be violent and destructive. I don't think she's as savvy as she thinks she is.

I never did this. What would I do with the information?

I did when they first got phones (around 13) Especially as one had a friend aboard, I wanted to check she was actually a 14 year old girl and not someone dodgy. So I read through some of their (boringly normal teenage) messages and checked she was real. If they had social media they had to add me until they were 16.

I don't track them or anything like that because when they go out they can go where they want, and I trust them to behave, and don't really limit them on times they can be out (they always come home for dinner because they like food too much to miss it) Not that they go out much (now or before The Disease)

Mine are boys though, so I'd probably worry more about girls, with harassment etc, knowing what some of my friends daughters have been through from a young age. I've had words with them about harassing girls, sending pics etc. I hope they would never do anything like that.

Yes I do as my dd has always been so secretive and has additional needs. I never planned to but last year there was a big incident at school which she wasn’t opening up about and the school needed information. It took a few months to settle down so I kept an eye on her interactions. I planned to stop checking but lately there is always something else that comes up. Sexting strangers on snapchat, hanging out with boys who get drunk, smoking, vaping, weed. This week the boy she has a crush on is in trouble with the police for sexual assault. It doesn’t really do my mental health any favours but I’m learning which of her friends I can trust and that she is where she says she is. Plus I can bring up subjects subtlety that she’s dealing with and be ready to intervene if needed.

Teachers, who have a wide overview of what is generally going on with kids/teens wish to god that fewer parents would think that allowing their kids unfettered, unsupervised phone use was somehow virtuous (“I trust my kid”) and actually do the responsible thing and monitor it properly. So much devastating stuff happens online and through social media to kids - it’s not just about whether you trust your kid, but whether you trust everyone on the internet. The answer to that should be no. And kids need help with that. Look how many adults end up being scammed/groomed/in tricky situations - don’t assume that your kid will recognise when something isn’t right and come to you for help.

I stopped checking after the age of 13. They know the rules, and how to use things appropriately. I would have a look if I was concerned about anything, I know all the passcodes etc (that's the deal with having a phone) but generally, I respect their privacy. I know I would have been horrified at 15 if my mum had been reading the letters my friends and I sent to each other.