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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Who reads their tween/teen's phone messages on the sly?

100 replies

NorahNorah · 03/04/2021 02:30

Who does this, and is there any moral dilemma?
If you're ok with it, please explain yr reasoning - and if yr not, say why.
Getting lots of white lies at the mo and worrying more and more.
Thnx in advance :-)

OP posts:
aretherereally4Hs · 04/04/2021 07:16

I checked my daughter's recently as she was behaving oddly. There was nothing (I think it's just hormones) but I needed to check.

Most of the time it's a string of emojis or gifs 🙄

Oblomov21 · 04/04/2021 07:16

And when they rarely are sat next to me, and I glance at their messages, it's just nonsense, one word messages they all send. Utter bollocks most of it!

Thebestposter · 04/04/2021 07:47

See “I don’t understand what they’re saying” is a really lame excuse- they are your children the most precious thing you have.

sort yourselves out and find out what they’re talking about. I’ve spent just under 30 years teaching and the last 10 have been horrific for this kind of thing- you really need to wise up guys

midnightstar66 · 04/04/2021 08:19

So true @Thebestposter. DD doesn't join in the group chats. She's dyslexic and struggles to keep up with them as they are so fast moving and the text speak is confusing for her. No bad thing considering some of the things I've read. The things I've seen over lockdown one were horrendous. These dc were 10 at the time. It's calmed down a bit now but it could be as it was reported to school by one of the few parents of one of the dc who was a target that did actually bother. I know there's been issues for that dc since though so I think it's just I'm not seeing it as much because the kids have had the sense to take it out of the group chats. Also some really concerning things on DD's friends instagrams, obsession about how they look taking about how ugly they are 10 year olds dressing and posing like young adults with completely open accounts.

Iyiyi · 04/04/2021 09:23

I look at 11 year old DS’s phone regularly as he got in trouble before for posting stuff he shouldn’t to YouTube. DS is 14 and I don’t check his at all. It’s naive imo to think that monitoring a phone means that you know what’s going on with your teen.

Shieldingending · 04/04/2021 11:40

What do you do about Snapchat? That’s how my DD and friends message each other and the messages disappear don’t they ?

parrotonmyshoulder · 04/04/2021 11:47

I read the messages on DD’s regularly - it was part of the agreement to her having a phone. I question things sometimes, but mostly it’s just monosyllabic stuff. Obviously she could delete anything she didn’t want me to see, but doesn’t so far.
She got very quickly involved in a falling out when she first got the phone and it was really helpful to be able to look through what was said and talk about it.
She’s only y7 though. No social media at all so it’s only text messages. She isn’t currently interested in any SM, so it isn’t a battle, but I would still be saying no.

Ermintrude74 · 04/04/2021 12:04

@Allington

DD is 13. A bit young to be messaging anything intimate. Once she is old enough to pay for her own phone she is old enough not to need supervision.

And as I have said, her school has far higher levels of automatic supervision on her laptop, for her protection.

Last year I checked my daughter's phone (she was 13 at the time) and was horrified to discover she was being groomed. The content of the messages was very explicit. Also discovered that some of her friends from school were on hugely inappropriate group chats. So we involved school, who notified Social Services, and we also involved the police.

I imagine we made ourselves unpopular amongst some of her mates whose parents were contacted by the school, but I don't give a shit. Nor do I give a shit about any of those parents who objected to us reading the messages their kids were sending.

The potential outcome of all this running amok and unchecked because parents insist on their kids right to privacy, was that my daughter could have found herself either in a physically threatening situation, or having photos of herself circulated around the school.

I check her phone only sporadically these days, but that's because her ability to add or use most apps bar the built in text messaging has been removed. Most apps have messaging functionality these days even if that's not their primary purpose. Keeping up with the number of instagram accounts alone that my daughter had, was impossible. And believe me they know all the ways to try and keep several steps ahead of you.

Seriously - some of you are not living in the real world.

Allington · 04/04/2021 14:26

If you read what I said, it was that I DO look at DD's messages, and her only other access to the internet is on her school laptop which is monitored through their software.

My comment about 'intimate' messages was to a PP who suggested it was an invasion of privacy. Any explicit messages at 13 would be very worrying.

Spied · 04/04/2021 14:29

@avamiah

My daughter is 11 and I bought her a iPhone when she was 10. I monitor her phone but we have a great relationship and no secrets .
Famous last words...
Ermintrude74 · 04/04/2021 16:13

@Thebestposter

See “I don’t understand what they’re saying” is a really lame excuse- they are your children the most precious thing you have.

sort yourselves out and find out what they’re talking about. I’ve spent just under 30 years teaching and the last 10 have been horrific for this kind of thing- you really need to wise up guys

This sums it up.
Thebestposter · 04/04/2021 21:59

@avamiah

My daughter is 11 and I bought her a iPhone when she was 10. I monitor her phone but we have a great relationship and no secrets .
Lol. And you trust everyone online. Naive / negligent
OrangeSamphire · 04/04/2021 22:05

I check my 12yr old’s phone.

Some of the behaviour from other children in whatsapp groups during school closures/lockdown has been unbelievably awful.

Lots of unsupervised kids at home while parents at work.

Including the children who sent my daughter porn, fake self-harm pictures to trigger her, and told her to kill herself when she was deep in depression.

Without checking, and screenshotting this stuff, we’d have had no evidence as the sly kids then delete their messages.

DD needed my support to deal with this stuff and the fact she knows I check her phone meant she never had to pluck up courage to begin a difficult conversation.

Ermintrude74 · 04/04/2021 22:42

@OrangeSamphire

I check my 12yr old’s phone.

Some of the behaviour from other children in whatsapp groups during school closures/lockdown has been unbelievably awful.

Lots of unsupervised kids at home while parents at work.

Including the children who sent my daughter porn, fake self-harm pictures to trigger her, and told her to kill herself when she was deep in depression.

Without checking, and screenshotting this stuff, we’d have had no evidence as the sly kids then delete their messages.

DD needed my support to deal with this stuff and the fact she knows I check her phone meant she never had to pluck up courage to begin a difficult conversation.

Sadly I can easily believe all the above. The stuff I saw being circulated amongst my daughter's friends was pretty vile, although not as bad as what you describe. We eventually curtailed a "friendship" because (amongst other things) of the abuse and the language that was being hurled around. I'm so glad we found it, it was utterly toxic.
OrangeSamphire · 04/04/2021 22:50

It’s quite shocking isn’t it. My DD has now made the decision to block all those people. But she became suicidal for a while last year and needed hospitalisation. Being exposed to this stuff was a big factor. I wish I had protected her better, ie no phone at all.

Original poster
NorahNorah · 04/04/2021 23:50

How many of the children that your children message do you know?
Have you met all their friends, do you know their friends' parents?
Lockdown has made it difficult to meet anyone, but knowing who their friends are, and ideally the parents - if only by name - does anyone do that?

OP posts:
avamiah · 05/04/2021 01:11

Thebestposter ,
Who the hell are you to post I’m negligent and Naive ??
I know every friend, app, browsing history, friend request , history , every film she has watched etc.
Because she is my daughter and I’m here to protect her .
You got that .

Stopsnowing · 05/04/2021 06:10

I do check dd phone. She had set up a secret Instagram account and was being followed by a sugar daddy. She is not
Allowed sm apps except WhatsApp. And she is not meant to delete msgs but she does. I wish I could set up her phone something could be deleted. There is no privacy online and it is basic best practice not to send or post anything you wouldn’t want the world to see.

Stopsnowing · 05/04/2021 06:11

*so nothing could be deleted

unexpectedthird · 05/04/2021 06:24

I don't do it 'on the sly', I do it openly and it's a condition of them being allowed a phone.
We don't check it every day or trawl through every message/app each time but we dip in and out.

Mollymalone123 · 05/04/2021 06:29

You should be monitoring phones- too much experience of parents giving their children iphones etc and massive safeguarding issues.

MsMarvellous · 05/04/2021 06:31

My having access to her messages is a condition of her having a device.

midnightstar66 · 05/04/2021 07:08

How many of the children that your children message do you know?
Have you met all their friends, do you know their friends' parents?
Lockdown has made it difficult to meet anyone, but knowing who their friends are, and ideally the parents - if only by name - does anyone do that?

I know my daughters friends, she's been at the school for 6.5 years now and has the same friendship group as when she was 4. I've volunteered across the classes and on every school trip. I know all the parents well as pre covid our school was amazing for parental involvement and things like movie nights where parents to sit and chat, but food and wine while the kids watched the movie. I know the parents from brownies vaguely from drop offs and pick ups. Her out of school friends tend to be through people I know. I've never seen a message from anyone on her phone that I don't know. Obviously this will probably change when she moves to high school although I know my neighbours daughter 3 years in hasn't really moved from her primary friendship group so maybe not. Things will probably be different with my younger dd as I've worked since she started school so I'm not part of the school run gang and more than a 3rd of her school life has been in lockdown or restricted access. We do mostly vaguely know each other through the WhatsApp group though.

picknmix1984 · 05/04/2021 07:25

No because that sly behaviour will come back to bite you when they have a really significant issue and they don't feel they can trust you and know you don't trust them. No matter how sly you think you are being. Your child will know you have been snooping!

MazDazzle · 05/04/2021 07:29

My daughter is nearly 13 and has ASD. When she got the phone the rules were she didn’t take it up to her room at night and that I knew the passcode.

I skim through occasionally. Not interested in the details of chats with her friends, but just for general I unpleasantness. I’ve picked up on a couple of bullying issues by checking her phone.