Teenage son, stay or go?

[Gnicole]

I hope someone can help with my difficult decision. My 14 yr old son is literally driving me insane, he has no respect & cannot be told or made to do anything. He wants to live in my house like a bachelor doing exactly as he pleases. Ignores me, refuses to eat with me, refuses to go to bed, tells me to shut up. Everything I ask him to do just doesn’t get done, he requests nice things such as the latest trainers (£115) which I refuse to buy because of his awful behaviour and attitude. He refuses to wear the pair of trainers to purchased fo £40 (plain black Nike). It’s a battle everyday, I took his phone because I found he had recorded himself smoking & sent the videos on Snapchat asking friends if they want to join him. I’m constantly receiving emails & calls from school about his behaviour attitude & lack of respect. Doesn’t bother with school work, I’ve tried to help him find his interest but he’s simply too lazy to do anything. Yes he has always been lazy but it’s getting worse as he’s got older. It’s difficult to explain how awful life is & we live alone. There’s no one to intervene. I’ve tried speaking with social services and the school many times and getting nowhere. My dilemma is do I send him to live with his dad or continue with this suffering? Bearing in mind that his dad is all or nothing, he’s willing to take our son but will have a court order for full custody & I won’t get much of a look in from there on. His dad is not willing to co-parent with me but willing to take my son completely. I’m asking here for some advice because I would usually speak to my mum & my grandmother but I’ve lost them both last year to COVID. Feeling so lost & scared of making the wrong decisions but my son is breaking me. What do I do?

However when he’s in a decent mood and I speak to him and ask if he’s having problems at school, does he forget to do what he supposed to do is he struggling in anyway what’s stopping him from doing the right thing etc he will openly say there really isn’t anything he’s struggling with & it’s that he’s lazy & can’t be bothered

This is exactly the same conversation I had with my own mother because I just couldn’t do even simple tasks. You do think it is just laziness. The only way I can describe it as is even simple tasks are like climbing Everest but you must be lazy because everyone is capable of climbing Everest each day without any problems
If you have been called lazy because you can’t do something then lazy you must be.

Does he realise if you can’t look after him and he doesn’t want to go to his dads then whether you want him to or not he will have to go into care. It won’t be up to him SS will have to house him.

Also should mention I ended up in care because my own mother had MH problems and had several nervous breakdowns/suicide attempts over the years.

If he has his dad to go and you can work out visitation then I think it would be better than care but I don’t think any situation is ideal.

I would get him tested but I would ask that it wasn’t just about ADHD but to take into account other things

Join the army cadets

How are you getting on?

Has the social worker went into further detail on local authority care? Could you ask if there are any places within a residential school available?

I wrote a long update but it’s vanished!
So since the last update, I have had a proper discussion with my son that is on his very very last chance as I didn’t let social services take him into care. Obviously this didn’t take more than one or two days to revert back to the same behaviour. The day after me explaining to him that me sending him to his dad’s is not a punishment it’s because I can’t cope & cannot parent him any longer, I’m very broken & can’t pick up all the pieces while being crushed daily. If he can’t work with me then he has to go, he desperately doesn’t want to go but makes no effort to allow our home life to work. I asked his dad to have him over the Easter so he could have time away & I could have a bit of respite. I also said if he can’t have at least some time with his dad over this school holidays then to start the Proceedings of looking for a school to take him full time.
His dad would only agree to have him good Friday to Monday morning! I knew this isn’t enough, I’m crumbling everyday. Good Friday morning I smelt gas & it turns our I have a gas leek. Therefore gas has been turned off Good Friday, no heating hot water or cooking facilities.
I messaged his dad that due to the unforeseen emergency with no gas to please keep his son. I agreed he could collect extra clothes during the week. His dad message the social worker asking her to have me sectioned!! Th social worker explained to me that I haven’t done anything wrong, it’s ok to have an emergency & ask his dad to keep him longer.
so his dad brought him back to me yesterday asking for clothes & when I let my son in his dad drove off. I’m not sure what to do as I’ve nowhere to turn. I’m far too broken to do all the wonderful parenting that pp have advices. I don’t want to be here at all anymore, I’m not living Just barely surviving every day. His dad clearly doesn’t want him & my son has said his dad was being abusive swearing shouting and calling me all sorts of names also his wife was joining in. Maybe care or foster care? Is it possible this can happen on a temporary basis? Just scared of what’s going to happen next. This has been going on for too long now & its not improving its getting worse. My son probably feels rejected by both parents now, I just don’t have anything left to give. I wish I could disappear which must be horrible for my son. When you have no support or family, dealing with all this alone is almost impossible. I want to Thank you all for the support, advice & kindness

I think you can get respite foster care?
I'm so sorry to listen to all of this, can't imagine how tough it is for you. So going to his dads didn't make him realise how much you do for him?

He absolutely hated spending good Friday to Monday at his dad’s. he was dropped off to his grandparents house for a few days then dumped at my door. I have asked about temporary racer for respite but was told that is only available for disabled children. He truly doesn’t see how broken I am & how further this is crumbling me. I’ve spoken to him & he really doesn’t understand the connection. The other side I’m seeing clearly is I’m not good for him like this, he needs more than I have to give in strength right now. He must feel like no one wants him & my reassurance in words isn’t matching with actions of trying to get him to live with his dad. It is really hard because I can’t cope but I also know it would be a nightmare for my son living with his dad because he’s 100% unreasonable & openly admits he’s a horrible nasty person because that’s just how he is.
Can’t believe the electricity in home has completely stopped working this morning. No gas because I have a gas leek, was given electric heaters that I’ve been using that had over heated & blown the electric circuit in my home. It seems to rain & pour at the same time here

My dd behaved similar at 15 and it nearly broke me, and I have a loving partner (her dad) with me. We called SS too as we couldn't cope, we couldn't keep her safe. So, you are coping with a lot on your own. One thing I found really helpful was the SS put me on a Barnardos course called "Talk to Teens" which was a short course. It was brilliant, can you ask about that?

When kids push like this they are often struggling themselves, they need to hear your boundaries and feel your love. But they also need to hear how much the behaviour is affecting you. Good luck.

Could he go back to the grandparents?

@crossstitchingnana I speak with his social worker regularly & he has a social worker because I reached out to them crying for help. They put these family plans together that don’t work because there’s no consequences for anyone that doesn’t follow the plan. The fact his dad would rather me be sectioned or dead then coparent with me makes it much more difficult.
I’ll have to wait till Monday to speak with his social worker again. He doesn’t see how his behaviour is affecting me, I’ve tried explaining & showing him.

@NCTDN his paternal grandparents are too elderly to look after him full time and his grandfather is in & out of hospital with health issues.
Someone said about joining him to the cadets but he’s not willing & none of these organisations will take children against there will.

@Gnicole
I am so so sorry to hear that things have got so bad. You appear to be battling severe depression yourself and in no state to put first the needs of a deviant stroppy teenager who is also fighting his own demons. I really wish there was a way for us to help more. If you lived in our village, I would be round with a cake for you and to take your kid off you for a few days to give you a break. But this is the internet and there is no such possibilities. Your ex husband sounds a nightmare (no wonder he is your ex) and clearly not a good source of parental support for your son.

I hope that social services come up trumps for you and find a way for you to have a break. If you aren't already seeing a doctor for your depression, then I really advise it. When I lost a parent, I hit the depths and needed help. Life doesn't have to be this hard!

Please keep us updated, this might be a virtual forum but we do care and want you and your son to have the help you both need to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy

God his dad is awful! What exactly was the point in him going on about only wanting full time residency transferred yo him if he can’t even handle having your son to stay for the school holidays. Something like boarding school or cadets could be brilliant but obviously only if your son was willing to give it a go. Covid makes everything ten times harder too. I guess no short term residential programs for off the rails teens (think outward bound but specifically for kids who are having family/behavior issues) are running at the moment either.

@Lovinglifeand @Babyiskickingmyribs
Thank you for the encouragement advice & virtual support. Things are getting worse by the day. The social worker says she cannot make my son go to his dad even though I can’t manage his behaviour. His dad has put himself as next contact for my son with social services but is making excuses. I have made the decision I definitely can’t keep my son. Yesterday social worker told his dad that I’m going into hospital Friday & he needs to have his son. He refuses saying he has to go to work. The social worker made it clear if he doesn’t collect him his n Friday then she will have to find emergency Authority care. Obviously I don’t want that to happen but I can see this is what is going to happen. I am out of options I’m literally having a breakdown & I’ve tried my best it just wasn’t enough. His dad doesn’t mind his son going into care as he’s saying that’s my doing not his & if I cared about my son I wouldn’t let that happen.
Not sure where he’s going to end up but I’m going to hospital & can’t be home at the same time. My son has been spoken to but no change in his attitude or behaviour. All of this could have been avoided if he could have simply tried working with me. Seems his dads DNA is strongly running through my son.

Honestly it sounds like you've done your best. You need to get yourself well now . If your son goes into care on friday it's his fathers fault, not yours. He sounds like a huge part of the problem here. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this . Please do not put off your hospital admission , you are important too xx

You are right, you can’t possibly be home for your son and in hospital at the same time. You have been doing your best and you are still doing your best. Working with the social worker is doing your best for your son. Asking his father to step in while you’re unwell is doing your best for your son. There are ways you can still show your son that you are trying your best and supporting him even when he is not living with you - like keeping in regular contact with his school and his social worker, trying to organize regular visits - you could take him to lunch every week maybe, sending him regular messages (even if they just say I hope you had a nice day today, love you, mum), or financial things like continuing to pay for his phone contract or topping up his prepaid phone account regularly, or perhaps sending him a gift card for his favorite clothing or shoe shop when you know he will need new things. (Obviously you could send money, but an asos gift card can’t be easily wasted on video games or alcohol or cigarettes if that becomes a concern at some point). Even though you can’t be resident parent for him at the moment, he will know you still care if you keep showing him that.

Wishing you the best OP.

Please don’t lose your nerve.

As another poster said - please do not put off your hospital admission , you are important too.

A temporary foster may be the godsend ds and you need. It could put things into perspective a bit. His dad is clearly useless, from ds point of view NC may even be the best option, but that doesn’t help your current situation.

Hopefully you will be able to recover quickly after your hospital visit, but I think going forward you are going to need some strategies, there is some truly excellent advice on this thread but I think mostly at the moment you can’t see the wood from the trees.

You said up thread he had refused counselling, it is very clear he needs it and I do think a lot of his behaviour recently may stem from grief at your losses and what we’ve been going through, even if it means bribery it might be worth trying again.

The only other thing that has struck me, make it easy for him to earn the praise, rewards. I’m thinking about your friend with the shop, giving him so much notice with a you behave and we’ll do this, was doomed to failure, it was too long for him to behave and the requirements weren’t specific enough. What you’re wanting is for him to be a model son and that’s just too huge for him right now. If you have something cool like that, make the requirements one very specific thing he has to achieve (maybe attend one counselling session)

Sending you all the best, it does take a long time to heal from something like this.

I’m so sorry for your terrible losses OP

I also agree to not make any decisions whilst grieving so deeply

As everything is so twisted

I’d make your immediate focus your mental health
See a GP explain your situation and explain you are literally not coping
If you can get meds take them
And if you can beg , steal or borrow it get some therapy

For the moment focus on your mental health

I completely understand how you feel
I’ve felt like that about my 13 year old many times
It’s exhausting and horrible
I feel like I’m failing him
And I know he would be worse with his father

But you need to be in A clearer headspace to make any decisions

See GP and therapy as a priority

And screw buying your son expensive trainers ! You come first now

Just read updates
Bloody hell OP
I hope you get your admission xxx

@Thisisworsethananticpated, er, you might want to read the OPs updates.

Xposted

Op hope you are ok x

@Gnicole, how are you?

Send him away but don't ever expect your relationship to recover.

My parents did the same at 16. To a relative.

I'm 28. Seen my mother three times since then. She's never meet my 3 year old. No animosity but no relationship either.

It's your job to work through this with him.