Teenage son, stay or go?

[Gnicole]

I hope someone can help with my difficult decision. My 14 yr old son is literally driving me insane, he has no respect & cannot be told or made to do anything. He wants to live in my house like a bachelor doing exactly as he pleases. Ignores me, refuses to eat with me, refuses to go to bed, tells me to shut up. Everything I ask him to do just doesn’t get done, he requests nice things such as the latest trainers (£115) which I refuse to buy because of his awful behaviour and attitude. He refuses to wear the pair of trainers to purchased fo £40 (plain black Nike). It’s a battle everyday, I took his phone because I found he had recorded himself smoking & sent the videos on Snapchat asking friends if they want to join him. I’m constantly receiving emails & calls from school about his behaviour attitude & lack of respect. Doesn’t bother with school work, I’ve tried to help him find his interest but he’s simply too lazy to do anything. Yes he has always been lazy but it’s getting worse as he’s got older. It’s difficult to explain how awful life is & we live alone. There’s no one to intervene. I’ve tried speaking with social services and the school many times and getting nowhere. My dilemma is do I send him to live with his dad or continue with this suffering? Bearing in mind that his dad is all or nothing, he’s willing to take our son but will have a court order for full custody & I won’t get much of a look in from there on. His dad is not willing to co-parent with me but willing to take my son completely. I’m asking here for some advice because I would usually speak to my mum & my grandmother but I’ve lost them both last year to COVID. Feeling so lost & scared of making the wrong decisions but my son is breaking me. What do I do?

Why don't you draw up an agreement with Social Services that he goes to his dad's for a month's trial with you having contact with him either by phone, text and visiting once a week.

If his dad is all or nothing - it probably wont work out but he will see that living with you is the better option and he needs to buck up his ideas.

To all the posters on here piling on the guilt trip - the OP is exhausted and is having difficulty dealing with a disrespectful teenager. She has said she recognises that her pulling back will negatively impact him, but while this might be the case in the short term, in the long term she is teaching him that she is a person too, and as much as she loves him, she also deserves respect. As it is she is being bullied by her son and her ex. OP - please put yourself first for a bit so you can carry on being the best mum you can be. There a lot of mum years ahead.

I really feel for you OP.
My son has pushed me educationally and emotionally for 7 years, 4 of which almost made me lose myself completely. He ran out of school, refused to work, went out until late, turned off his phone, smoked weed and wouldn’t listen. I felt like a failure but knew I was a good mother and my patience was unconditional. Since he passed his driving test and turned 18 he has suddenly become the human being I have been wanting to love. He thanks me, apologises quickly and finally engages in education without too much pushing. It will be too late for great results but at least he is there.
I also had major problems with his dad but he seems to have realised that he has been a total loser and is trying now to work with me to have more contact with my son.
Again, I lost my mum during this time and felt desperately unhappy. I turned to a couple of my closest friends and they helped me by listening. School were also very patient and we were on first name terms.

Keep the faith, it sounds like he is a very very lucky young man to have you as his mum.
I wish you lots of strength and love and keep believing that at some point you will have a turning point and all this will be worth it. In the meantime, I hope you find the support you need. Even coming on here is good as you don’t feel as if you are the only one going through such a situation xx

I was a 'difficult teenager' (though many who were around at the time have since told me that I was no more difficult than 'normal'). I was 16, not 14, so a bit older and my mum just booted me out. I spent two years in hostels, sometimes on the street, and often in very perilous situations. I was a very bright girl and university plans were derailed (I've only just got my degree, 20 years later!) I know your situation is different, as there is a dad involved who your son can go to (even though he doesn't want to). I'm really sorry about your situation, but just to give you the perspective from the other side - my relationship with my mum is slowly repairing, but I know I won't ever be able to fully forgive her. I could never, and would never, do that to my own daughter. It really did wreck my life for a time, and it took me many years to claw it back.

Apologies for the brutal honesty. Just want to give you the other (retrospective) perspective!

It really sounds like you’re at the end of your tether and trying to grief and live in a bad situation. I hope you find light at the end of the tunnel.
Have you considered family counselling for the 2 of you? Your GP may be able to organise some given the situation. A counsellor may provide a safe space for you both to talk and they could help the other person to understand each other’s point of view.
Have you ever asked your DS why they’re so angry, so often? I.e. given him a chance to explain his side, rather than just defend it? I have a stepson and I’ve had lots of these conversations in the past with him, when he was living with us. I had to make myself sit back and listen to him, rather than trying to reason with him. I found that he often realised how unreasonable his behaviour was, as he was trying to justify it. Another technique that worked, was asking him to list out all the things he wanted/had and then a list of responsibilities or behaviours he needed to have, to be able to get those things. It was a way of getting him to take part in finding a solution. He would then WhatsApp the list to me, along with consequences he’d agreed to, if he reneged on his commitments (e.g. losing his phone).
The reason it was so effective, was that he hates being in the wrong (no one else to blame).

I have been having counselling once a week on the phone with Mind. I sourced counselling for my son however the social worker informed my son he doesn’t have to attend any counselling if he doesn’t want to therefore he chose not to. I’m also feeling tired of it always being about me & my mental health & my ability to cope with matters. Where I see his awful attitude and total disrespect disregard. Yes teenagers can be difficult but this constant not doing anything he’s told is unbearable when loaded with disrespect and a bad attitude. We’ve had a good social worker who spent time speaking & explaining consequences of bad choices. He took time to try to get through to my son but it’s fallen on deaf ears. No I obviously don’t want to send him to his dad but do I keep him & let him drive me into the ground?
No I don’t have any other family, I have a daughter who is 27 with 2 young children. She has tried speaking to her brother several times & he just ends up disrespecting her until she gets upset and angry ( which I can’t blame her, he’s rude & she doesn’t have to put up with it as she lives in her own home) she is the only person I’ve been constantly talking with about this & it’s not fair either, she has her life to get on with & I don’t like been a burden to her.

True
Our relationship might be Unrepairable however his behaviour is pushing me over the edge and making me feel like life isn’t worth living. I’ve been at the point of feeling suicidal ( I wouldn’t kill myself, I just didn’t want to live anymore)

If he doesn’t want to go to his dad for the weekend, I don’t know that you can genuinely consider him living there long term. Totally appreciate you’ve had enough but it is worth telling him the consequence if his behaviour doesn’t change. I’d do this with a neutral third party and ideally someone he feels safe with (any extended family member he trusts?)

@EarringsandLipstick

A different perspective here - I couldn't remotely imagine sending my 14 yo to a parent who won't facilitate contact / will do everything to block me.

I think that will feel like abandoning your DS.

I do really sympathise with your situation. It's extremely tough for you. Is there any possibility of more involvement from his dad, if you explain the situation, that would back you up? Is he involved now? If not, please don't consider sending your DS to live with him.

The social worker's advice sounds baffling, I agree. Sorry if I missed it - why has he a social worker?

I appreciate how hard it is (single mother, teenage children myself) but I think you've to stick with him. As hard as it is, you're his parent, the person he trusts.

His dad is a parent as well...

I think his dad is saying all or nothing to put you off making him take some of the responsibility. He wouldn’t get a court order for 100% custody to him with no access for you, the court would listen to your son as well.
Tell the social worker that you need more support and a break from your son and his disrespect so you can recover. Cheaper for them to help you now than to provide foster care for your son later, and I suspect his dad doesn’t really want him full time

My son is too lazy to do any activities
He definitely doesn’t want to do anything with me
I can’t do right from wrong
He wants to stay with me because he’s the ruler of his life with me.
I don’t have any brothers & I’ve asked about mentors for him. Getting no where & going round in circles

What’s going on at his dads that he hates going there on the weekends? Is there resentment there that causes him to play up?
This is a really tough situation.

His dad is a parent as well...

Sakura clearly not in any meaningful way.

Does your son know what you're thinking about? I had some struggles with my son but not in your league. A therapist showed me some detail about what's happening in teenagers brains. I don't remember the actual names but their brains are in huge flux. There are major changes happening and the consequences are all the things we complain about with teenagers- lack of empathy, disregard of consequences, lack of planning. I don't have any books to recommend but I'm sure it's widely known. I eventually got my son into CAMHS and he was diagnosed with ADHD Inattentive Type. All the chaotic behavior, the frustration of his poor organization, etc all made sense. He's on equasym now & doing a bit better. I think I'm coping better when it hit home that his behavior wasn't aimed at me directly and wasn't my fault. There were other factors at play.

So here's what we know with your boy:
He's likely to come out the other side of this.
It's not your fault and not 100% his fault.
You're in a bad place with your recent bereavements, the struggles of COVID and lone parenting.

In the short term is just go into survival mode. Instead of trying to solve these problems just try to not make anything worse & on your own health. Just focus on day to day and any behavior that would have long term consequences. He can catch up on schooling, but what would effect him long term? Criminality, hard drug use, behavior that could do him physical harm. I think I would be totally honest. 'I'm struggling to cope and I may need to ask your dad to take you for a while.' He'll probably go 'yeah right' but he needs to understand how his behavior is damaging his own life.

His dad is probably trying to duck his responsibilities with this 'all or nothing' bullshit. I don't agree with the pp's who basically told you to suck it up. You're not kicking him out on the street- he has 2 parents. His dad more than likely wouldn't get away with completely cutting your contact. You are in crisis and probably depressed. if you're struggling this will have long term implications on your relationship with your son. It's a big part of growing up when you realize that your parents are just human and usually trying as hard as they can.

All the best xx

Ask Social Services to arrange with his Dad to switch the arrangement so you have him at the weekend and he's at his Dad's for the rest.

Provided his Dad provides a safe home with rules then thats fine. It sounds like you and your son have both had a rough time and maybe he's just not comfortable sharing that with you yet or at all.

As a teen my Mum struggled with her mental health and I would never have shared my own problems with her because she couldn't have coped, she wasn't coping with her own. It admittedly made me very angry at times and often made me feel like I was the adult in the home because I was coping with both our problems.

Most of what you describe sounds completely normal to me but I'd imagine everything you have going on at the moment means that even little things can be really hard.

If he wants trainers and you can afford them then tell him he can earn them by doing x y z if he doesn't care enough to do it then he doesn't get them etc.

Thank you so very much for your comments, they are a great help. To have someone not say “you can’t send him to his dad” is comforting. I’m not sending him into social care it’s his dad. Yes his dad isn’t nice to me but it’s his dad. He’s not 2 years old that I will struggle to see him when he wants. I’ve tried explaining to my son how difficult he’s making life & that he will have to live with his dad if he can’t work with me. However he just says” yeah whatever “ he doesn’t think it’s going to happen even though I’ve ended up walking out last year in a complete state. He’s driving me into the ground and I feel I’m going to end up with mum sooner rather later if I allow him to continue walking over me. I’m a single parent but he’s never hot had anything he’s needed or wanted. He’s had a decent life but it all means nothing. I’ve been living in survival mode for a while & letting a lot of stuff just go but it hasn’t worked. He couldn’t even give me my Mother’s Day card because he was behaving so awful. I found the phone he stolen from my bedroom in his pocket & he lied about just taking it & when I checked he had been using it for 3 weeks. I set up a debit card for setting Boundaries about what he can buy & within the first month he was buy balaclavas and contraband from Amazon etc. It’s just a non stop battle & I don’t have any more strength. I am also tired looking at me like my mental health is the issue not his disrespectful manner & bad attitude.
I’m so lost with this, it would of solved all problems if I didn’t wake up this morning xx

He doesn’t care & I’ve done exactly that with the trainers. He’s not getting them but refuses to wear what I’ve purchased & will be in trouble at school for not having trainers

It does sound to me like he could be acting out due to grief. Maybe you both should speak to a counsellor like the school counsellor, to try and find a way of helping you both find a way of communicating in a healthier way. He may have lots going through his teenage mind and losing two significant family members I can’t imagine what that’s been like for either of you. We lost my mother in law last year too, although not due to Covid but it has been really hard. Especially on ds. He began struggling more during the second lockdown and had been speaking to the school counsellor about feelings, school etc since. He feels it’s helping. Might be worth a try x

@EarringsandLipstick

His dad is a parent as well...

Sakura clearly not in any meaningful way.

His dad is a parent who took me to court for all the access he could get, school holidays bank holidays weekends etc then refused to use the access he fought for. He’s a arrogant being but he has a wife & two young children so he can provide care for his son.

@Ivchangedmynameforthis

Please don't do this OP. I'm saying this as someone who did this very thing and have spent 2 years having counselling coming to terms with the loss of a child that is very much still alive but not a part of my life. I thought living with him was hell on earth but living without him is very much worse. I will admit that the household as a whole is a better place for his absence but at a cost to my mental health.

I hear what you’re saying as we had a short break in December for 5 days & it was a nightmare realising that I had lost him. I desperately wanted to to come & I let him. We had lots of proper discussions about his behaviour and us working together his attitude etc but he didn’t change. He only cares when it’s too late hence one of the schools gave him several warnings that he will be asked to leave if he’s behaviour doesn’t improve. Losing him is probably going to kill me but equally he’s killing me everyday & im not able to function like this. Example having diarrhoea all day every day from the nerves in my stomach

Your son and ex clearly like to think they have power over you and I think you would benefit from your son staying with your ex for a period of time. He fought for access then didn't use it, says it all, I don't think you'll have an issue gaining access once you have had some head space. I don't think your ex really wants him full time but says so to make you feel shit and like you can't go to him for help. Teenagers can be ruthless and I feel your pain, the only person who can change the situation is you

@gonnabeok

Why don't you draw up an agreement with Social Services that he goes to his dad's for a month's trial with you having contact with him either by phone, text and visiting once a week.

If his dad is all or nothing - it probably wont work out but he will see that living with you is the better option and he needs to buck up his ideas.

To be honest he’s already seen that living with me is far better than living with his dad as he had a short taste of this last year. He ended up with his dad for 5 days as a result of Literally having a meltdown with the grief and his behaviour. It was a horrible experience for us both & I thought we had turned a corner when he came back but no change. I can’t even remember the last time my son actually spoke to me. He thinks I’m totally ridiculous I should get help because there’s nothing wrong with his attitude or behaviour. It really doesn’t help with him hearing that it’s normal teenager behaviour because that just gives him the go ahead to not do anything he’s told. This all takes such a toll on my Physical, emotional and mental health. I truly thought he would have bucked up his ideas after all of that x

To have someone not say “you can’t send him to his dad” is comforting.

Sorry OP. I didn't mean to cause you further stress with my posts.

What happens if you stop doing things for him? So like, you ask him what he would like for dinner and he doesn’t answer so you just make yourself beans on toast and leave him to sort his own dinner? Or you ask him to come down to dinner and he ignores you so you let his food go cold. Or you’ve asked him to put his dirty clothes in the machine and he’s ignored you so you leave them on his bedroom floor and he runs out of clean clothes to wear? No arguments, just showing him that he will need to do these things for himself if he is not willing to engage with you about them. If school calls you about him not completing work agree you’ve noticed he doesn’t seem to be working consistently and then pass him the phone or put them in speaker phone so he has to answer to his Head of Year or whoever it is himself. Does this strategy work at all with him?

Going against the grain here then, I'd send him to his dad. Write your son a letter saying that you love him but can't live with the level of disrespect and abuse he is subjecting you to.
Then try to put out of your head that you have "lost him" and take a break to get your balance back and recover
He will come back to you, but needs to learn a lesson
I agree that this may make him feel rejected, but the current situation is making him feel that he can be abusive to get his own way