Do you tell your moody/attitudey teens that you love them?

[Vestinium]

Just wondering about this as I say I love you to my children as a habit every night as I say goodnight to them. My fourteen year old (dd, if that makes a difference) usually never responds, but I say it anyway. Today I jokingly repeated it, louder, to which she said ok. It felt pointed and made me feel really hurt. She never says she loves me.

It also made me a bit mad. Like I was some needy slave begging everyday for affection from the master . Don't get me wrong, as a mum of teenagers I know to have a thick skin and ignore their nonsense, but I am human too.

How does it go in your home?

I do but its bloody hard when you're spoken to and looked at with contempt by them.

They still need to hear it. They need parental love more than ever when going through the turbulent teens, and especially during these strange and uncertain times.

Mine are past teenage now, but I always told them I loved them. You can say it in a way that does not seem needy - but they need to hear it.

As a rule, you should never, ever say the words "I love you" and expect to hear them back. It is a thing you are giving without being asked, not an agreed exchange. You tell someone that you love them because you want them to know that you love them, not because you want to prompt them to say it back.

My Grandma taught me that when i was about 7 or 8 and i truly believe it is the most important lesson i ever learned.

Yes I do. They do tell me they love me, but we have had our "dry" periods where my eldest dispised us all. Hurt at the time but at 17 hes almost a lovely human being again

I always ask my parents, is your self esteem so low you need that validation?

Yes, it does embarrass them though, but maybe that is part of the fun!

My kudsctell me they love me, particularly my 17 year old son. They have their moods are are generally upbeat and chatty. As long as I don't say it in front of their friends it's fine.

@wowbutter

I always ask my parents, is your self esteem so low you need that validation?

Ouch!

I think when they are at their absolute worst is when they most need us to be there for them & to let them know we love them unconditionally. My God it’s hard though! DD12 is already full on with the strops, mood swings & attitude. I sometimes say “ I Love You” through gritted teeth!!

Yes, all the time. Sometimes they say it back, sometimes they ignore me.

I try and say it more than once a day, sometimes that's really tough because he's frankly a shit at the moment for various reasons, so I'm glad I still have that habit of saying 'night night love you.'

My ds once told me he hated me. I told him the more he hated me, the more I loved him. So he said, ok I love you mum, what now. I said the more he loved me, the more I loved him. so he could love me or hate me,and it wouldn't make a difference. it made him laugh!

All the time. They need to know.

I tell my two that I love them every night before bed. DS1 (16) has recently started mumbling it back, which has been pure joy for me. DS2 (14) ignores it resolutely.

Rarely. She never replies saying she does. I think she's said it to me twice in her life when young and only when ill.

I always do as I remember being a moody teenager and wanting to hear it, even if I would have probably scowled anyway.

Yup. I don't think I could go to bed and sleep if I didn't - young/pre-teens now, but I still believe they need to hear it, particularly in these stressful times.

All the time. They never say it back but that's okay. I never want them to be in any doubt of it.

I say it to my 2 teenage boys all the time and they say it back. Also to my adult DD although not quite so often as she doesn't live with us anymore. They do say it back and will sometimes instigate it.

However we are at the stage of them preferring their own company and not engaging with us as much as they used to so some days it's almost the only thing we say to each other (with the exception of "what's for tea" 🤣)

I think it's important that they hear it whether or not you get it back.

My DH has an entirely different but just as close a relationship with them so when they come to give me a hug he will say where's mine, sometimes he gets a hug and sometimes he gets a rude gesture 😮 but he knows it means the same thing.

I have also been told I am hated and my response is a jokey 'I hate you too' and it does the job of lightening the mood and they realise it was a pointless thing to say as we both know it's not true.

Just keep on being you and say it as much as you like but wait for them to choose to say it back. It needs to come from inside them rather than out of guilt because they think you need it said out loud. They will respect you for accepting it's true without having to hear it.

Yes! Its hard to keep trying when you get nought back

Yes, every night before bed and when I leave for work in the morning. They reply with a gruff 'you too'

@wowbutter

I always ask my parents, is your self esteem so low you need that validation?

Don't mince your words now will you?

Yes, every morning when I drop her at the bus, every night before bed & at the end of every phone call. She always says it back even when she's being a massive arse. It's hard being a teenager. Keep them close.

I say daft things to them.
As to them returning the favour: No expectations or pressure.

Having said that no rudeness either.