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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you tell your moody/attitudey teens that you love them?

102 replies

Vestinium · 29/01/2021 22:36

Just wondering about this as I say I love you to my children as a habit every night as I say goodnight to them. My fourteen year old (dd, if that makes a difference) usually never responds, but I say it anyway. Today I jokingly repeated it, louder, to which she said ok. It felt pointed and made me feel really hurt. She never says she loves me.

It also made me a bit mad. Like I was some needy slave begging everyday for affection from the master Grin. Don't get me wrong, as a mum of teenagers I know to have a thick skin and ignore their nonsense, but I am human too.

How does it go in your home?

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 02/02/2021 11:11

Yes I say it to mine at least once daily. 16 and 19. Mostly they say it back. Sometimes I joking say 'love you too mum'. I want them to know they are loved. Even if we aren't getting on at that time.

Notcoolmum · 02/02/2021 11:13

@Randomrebel she will come back. I've been through some awful times with my 19 year old DD. And she still has the ability to drive me mad with her selfish behaviour. But things are so much better than when she was a younger teen.

bendmeoverbackwards · 02/02/2021 11:14

Yes of course, I tell them I love them often usually daily. Even the youngest (nearly 14) who has a pretty horrible attitude a lot of the time.

It has never occurred to me that they should say it back! How weird.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 02/02/2021 11:19

Yes we do, one says it back, one doesn't. Doesn't bother me at all as I know that they do actually love us very much.

Emptytank · 02/02/2021 11:22

Yes and I never expected it back. Every one yells ‘love you’ as they are leaving the house. My eldest when she was around 15/16 (25 now) actually responded better to to touch, not full on hugs but a quick arm rub, touch her arm whilst talking.. and lots of compliments Grin

Wotapolava · 02/02/2021 11:35

For anyone fretting over children leaving home and tensions - don't.
I had some quite upsetting experiences with my eldest in his late teens as he was (as teenagers do) experimenting with freedom.
He got into gambling and once blew his hard earned months salary on an accumulator bet.
I ended up pushing him to move out by giving him a date by which to find somewhere else to live. He was 19 by then.

He says to me now, "Mum, we get on so much better now."

True!

Emptytank · 02/02/2021 11:42

@Wotapolava

For anyone fretting over children leaving home and tensions - don't. I had some quite upsetting experiences with my eldest in his late teens as he was (as teenagers do) experimenting with freedom. He got into gambling and once blew his hard earned months salary on an accumulator bet. I ended up pushing him to move out by giving him a date by which to find somewhere else to live. He was 19 by then.

He says to me now, "Mum, we get on so much better now."

True!

Ha I did similar! I encouraged my eldest dd to move out around 18. Kids need to fly the nest. She’s 25 now and we speak most days on watsap or phone calls
Wotapolava · 02/02/2021 12:12

@EmptyTank,

Brilliant!

NovemberR · 02/02/2021 12:14

@wowbutter

I always ask my parents, is your self esteem so low you need that validation?
What an utterly unpleasant thing to say to anyone.

I hope you're not a 'grown up'.

Exhausteddog · 02/02/2021 12:20

My DD (also 14) has said I love you once as far as I can remember in her whole life....and it was years ago where I had reached the end of my tether one day and absolutely lost the plot (and felt completely shitty and awful immediately afterwards) I couldn't believe she would say it to me then. Ive never felt like that again, and I tell her often I love her, I'm proud of her etc, we have a good relationship generally, but she doesn't say it back. But I don't remember telling my mum I loved her at that age either.

Exhausteddog · 02/02/2021 12:22

Ds tells me often but hes always been more affectionate than DD

LetItGoGo · 02/02/2021 12:22

My teen gave me a hug last week. It was a landmark event!

Original poster
Vestinium · 02/02/2021 21:58

@bendmeoverbackwards

Yes of course, I tell them I love them often usually daily. Even the youngest (nearly 14) who has a pretty horrible attitude a lot of the time.

It has never occurred to me that they should say it back! How weird.

It has never occurred to me that they should say it back! How weird.

Hmm This is getting competitive now. Not expecting a child to say it back is one thing, thinking that it's "weird" is quite another. Biscuit

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 03/02/2021 01:20

Always. Every day say I love them. Teen never says back but then I don't expect it. She's a teen!

TheOtherBoelynGirl · 03/02/2021 01:25

"This is getting competitive now. Not expecting a child to say it back is one thing, thinking that it's "weird" is quite another. "

It's weird to expect them to say it back. Don't you remember being a teenager yourself? Were you really sunshine and roses all the time?

stilllovingmysleep · 03/02/2021 07:44

@formerbabe

My ds once told me he hated me. I told him the more he hated me, the more I loved him. So he said, ok I love you mum, what now. I said the more he loved me, the more I loved him. so he could love me or hate me,and it wouldn't make a difference. it made him laugh!
This is brilliant!

I do think @formerbabe humour & 'lightness' of touch works best with teens. Also keeps us sane too.

With mine (DS 12.5) I have the same- I say I love you regularly but he doesn't say it back. Usually ignores. I'm used to it & don't expect him to respond. But it does hurt sometimes and I can identify with the OP

stilllovingmysleep · 03/02/2021 07:46

Reading through this thread has made me feel less alone in my feelings about this.

But also- it has made me reflect on the fact that I never tell my own parents I love them. They are 68 and 78 and I'm 47. I have become even closer to them during lockdown, as they are in a different country so I can't see them. We have a drink & meal over Facetime & chat every couple of nights. They often say they're proud of me & that they love me. But I never ever say it back.

So this thread made me think!

MarshaBradyo · 03/02/2021 07:47

I say it

I don’t need or expect response from teen but he does say in return every so often

LetItGoGo · 03/02/2021 11:24

I grew up in a family where we never said such things. It was just considered unneccesary to say it out loud.

I got to young adulthood and decided I'd be the one to say it and not wait for the other to do so. I'm holding to that now.

borntohula · 03/02/2021 11:26

Daily and I guess I'm lucky because my dd says it back.

Quit4me · 03/02/2021 11:28

Shower them with love, love and more love. Let them know you are proud of them and how much they mean the world to you. Even if they don’t say it back or look at you like they want to kill you.
It all goes in, even if they don’t show it on the outside, and it will all be stored for future years.

Wotapolava · 03/02/2021 15:09

I'm no expert on these things but I dont see any negatives to saying you love them or they live you.
It isn't a legal requirement.
They react in different ways. Some might reciprocate in a cute way or run and hide under the bed.

This thread was never intended to be a competition on compulsory parenting.

Chav07 · 06/02/2021 06:30

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Chunkymenrock · 06/02/2021 06:43

Not really tbh. But we show our love by offering the grumper a cup of tea and other random acts. I don't like saying it when I don't actually feel it, for example when they've just been incredibly rude and had a terrible attitude. I see it as completely wet to say it then. I say it when I feel it.

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 06/02/2021 07:00

I’ve just come from the thread about how no one tells you how hard motherhood is and I’d say this is one of the things that makes it hard.

Yes, you shouldn’t say it to expect it back, yes you shouldn’t be a needy parent but being a mum doesn’t make you a robot.

After years of that cosy feeling of being loved and needed, of being told that our job is to give our all to our kids, then bam!, we are just supposed to turn our needs off and not care.