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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you tell your moody/attitudey teens that you love them?

102 replies

Vestinium · 29/01/2021 22:36

Just wondering about this as I say I love you to my children as a habit every night as I say goodnight to them. My fourteen year old (dd, if that makes a difference) usually never responds, but I say it anyway. Today I jokingly repeated it, louder, to which she said ok. It felt pointed and made me feel really hurt. She never says she loves me.

It also made me a bit mad. Like I was some needy slave begging everyday for affection from the master Grin. Don't get me wrong, as a mum of teenagers I know to have a thick skin and ignore their nonsense, but I am human too.

How does it go in your home?

OP posts:
Flatcokeisnojoke · 30/01/2021 14:41

Haha, I never expect them to say it back

My teen DC sometimes get cross or dismissive, but some days there is a little smile and I take that as a win

#loweryourexpectations Wink

lovelemoncurd · 30/01/2021 14:51

Up until last week my 15 year old used to tell me she loved me. Now suddenly she's turned into a completely stroppy teen who shrugs when I say it. What happened? 😥

HmmSureJan · 30/01/2021 14:56

About ten times a day no matter how obnoxious they're being.

HmmSureJan · 30/01/2021 14:57

They usually say it back.

UrsulaVdL · 30/01/2021 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whoamitojudge · 31/01/2021 20:32

I say it to my 17yr old DD many times during the day and she always says it back.
I get random messages during the day too which end with ILY

Theredjellybean · 31/01/2021 20:38

I just said it to my 17 Yr old dsd.
I am Lyng on the floor of her room, on suicide watch... Again.
I say it all the time.. Cus I do love her and she needs to hear that.
Once she asked me why... I said that many yrs ago I fell in love with her dad, she, in my eyes was an extension of him, so I loved her too
Now I love her in her own right.
But boy does her illness make it tough sometimes...

Wotapolava · 31/01/2021 20:42

Always.
So do they.

Reading comments on here where some get responses which may seem disappointing but kids just assume you know they love you.
Don't feel disheartened.

Children are much more in the know these days and if they aren't picking up the phone to childline, all is probably well!

I had some tough times with my first teen. The youngest - much easier.

citychick · 01/02/2021 03:20

It's cold comfort reading these.
Good to know I'm not the only parent feeling as if I'm losing my child/ mind.

DS can be quite horrible and it's very hard not to be horrible back. I've retaliated once too many times.

It's the selfish nature of a teenager. I feel beaten down by it. We have one TV. He hogs it constantly. On his PS4. It dominates our living room. It's all he wants to do and when we ask to watch something for ourselves he just flies off the handle.

Of course we tell him we love him. But it's hard when he's just so egocentric. Thankfully he is still able to tell us he loves us too.

Rosebud2005 · 01/02/2021 12:22

Always. They still need to hear it even if they are grumps! My ds 15 has become so detached from humanity it’s actually worrying me. Even recently we had a really scary time with an elderly parent very close to us and he always stayed with her when he was younger but it’s like he isn’t bothered whenever I mention it. I know deep down he must be but to see the difference in how things just don’t affect him is hurtful. I know myself he doesn’t mean to show himself in this way and probably doesn’t know how not to be like this but still. I just don’t know how to improve his attitude to having compassion for others

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 01/02/2021 12:33

@citychick can I ask if there’s a reason why he can’t have his own tv for the Xbox? There are probably excellent reasons but my goodness that does mean a pretty constant cause for friction at a time when things are difficult enough.
I put a cheap second hand tv in my ds’s space (under the stairs) and then arranged for it to ‘break’ when I’d had enough 🤫

megletthesecond · 01/02/2021 12:39

Yes.
Mine have never said it back though.

Imapotato · 01/02/2021 19:29

I tell my dds 16 and 13 that I love them every day. Dd1 is the most likely to say it back, but then at other times it really seems like she hates me. Dd2 rarely says it back, but is generally nicer. 🤷‍♀️

I say it to the to reinforce that no matter how grumpy and teenagery they are I will always love them. They don’t need to say it back.

citychick · 02/02/2021 01:23

ifeelmuchlessfat

We live in an apartment, not in the UK. Whilst we have plenty of wall space we have decided not to put TVs on bedroom walls.

Many kids here do have TVs in their bedrooms but I just couldn't cope with junior shut in his room all evening.

He still has a phone and laptop anyway...😔

I have taken away the PS4 indefinitely due to the tension it has caused. He's just replaced it with his laptop. 😣

IsleofDen · 02/02/2021 01:38

Not only does your teen love you, they are so secure in your love that they can take it for granted. They will grow out of the moody behaviour, but the relationship you have will last a lifetime.

OTTYrevolution · 02/02/2021 01:57

OP I feel like a stroppy teen and my mother VERY rarely says she loves me. Growing up I heard a lot of “I dont like you right now, but I do love you” 👍😂 lol!

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 02/02/2021 02:03

Yep.
More than once most days. But always when one of us is leaving the house and bedtime.

If DS2 (14) is in a bad mood with me he usually replies "mmm hmm". But he says it back most times. Sometimes he even says it first.
I still get kissed and hugged at bedtime too.

PeanutButtaCups · 02/02/2021 02:12

I don’t have teens, but as a moody teen my DM always told me she loved me, multiple times a day. It meant a lot to me knowing that she was there for me, even if I didn’t say it back. I have DC of my own now and I say it all the time, I also tell DM I love her multiple times a day as well, over text/on FaceTime/in person (in my bubble). Since becoming a mother myself I understand the love she has for me, and that makes me love her even more. Your DC will grow out of this stage

TheOtherBoelynGirl · 02/02/2021 05:41

Wowbutter is harsh but honestly I agree with her. Your children aren't on this earth to bolster up your self esteem. They don't need to love you. But you need to love them. And they need to know it. Whether they are lovey-dovey themselves or not, they need to hear it.

My husband grew up in a culture where saying "I love you" and physical affection are rare. But his parents are very affectionate - his dad is this gruff older guy but tells my husband all the time that he loves him. And I see a huge difference in my husband's confidence and well-being compared to his friends.

I was never ever told I was loved without the caveat "but I don't like you". Even when I was being a dick, hearing it would have been amazing. ESPECIALLY when I was being a dick. Children need to know they can count on you.

TheOtherBoelynGirl · 02/02/2021 05:43

"Once she asked me why... I said that many yrs ago I fell in love with her dad, she, in my eyes was an extension of him, so I loved her too"

That seems like a pretty fucked up thing to say.

TheOtherBoelynGirl · 02/02/2021 05:46

"When I tell my children "I love you" I am trying to get that to be part of their internal monologue - so they can hear my voice saying that. It is not to get them to respond (especially as young teens when the whole thing is embarrassing)."

Exactly.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 02/02/2021 05:59

I have always told DS1 I loved him, usually at bedtime and we made a joke out of him never saying it back as a teenager. Now at Uni he says it back and has occasionally said it first.
DS2 has always aid it back but he's way less stroppy than his brother, they most need to hear it when they are trying to distance themselves from you IMO.

striation980 · 02/02/2021 06:48

I try and say other positive things too. Ds might hear them if he took his earbuds out...

Wotapolava · 02/02/2021 10:27

My eldest son usually says it when he is leaving to go home after a visit or at the end of a phone call.

My youngest is told on a daily basis and has his bedtime cuddles which he said he was too grown up for a while ago but he asks for them still.

I was in the kitchen cooking tea recently and my youngest walked in and said " Are you alright? You don't look your usual self ."

I said ,"Yes, it's just one of them days."

He replied, " Count your blessings."

Me," Yes. Good idea."

Then he said, " For a start, you've got two gorgeous sons who love you."

I told him I loved him.

Usually, he walks in and says something randomly funny and walks off again but he can read me well.

InsanityOf2020 · 02/02/2021 10:45

Tell my 13yo boy i love him daily, he says it to me often. Sometimes he squirms and runs away at those sort of conversations though. Its not a routine thing we do verbatim though, just when the situation calls for it