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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Do you tell your moody/attitudey teens that you love them?

102 replies

Vestinium · 29/01/2021 22:36

Just wondering about this as I say I love you to my children as a habit every night as I say goodnight to them. My fourteen year old (dd, if that makes a difference) usually never responds, but I say it anyway. Today I jokingly repeated it, louder, to which she said ok. It felt pointed and made me feel really hurt. She never says she loves me.

It also made me a bit mad. Like I was some needy slave begging everyday for affection from the master . Don't get me wrong, as a mum of teenagers I know to have a thick skin and ignore their nonsense, but I am human too.

How does it go in your home?

OP posts:

DinnaeFashSassenach · 30/01/2021 00:10

I always do, and I also run in to her room sometimes and start giving big smooshy kisses until she laughs and tells me to feck bugger off.
Or I'll say "I love you!" and immediately hold my hand up (or place a finger on her lips) and say, "No no, you don't need to say it. Save your voice baby girl! I know you love mummy. I know."

I wonder if all the eye rolling she does will damage her eyesight.

Our household is rarely serious.

Beamur · 30/01/2021 00:14

@wowbutter

I always ask my parents, is your self esteem so low you need that validation?

What a horrible thing to say to your parents..

RosyPrimroseDoll · 30/01/2021 07:02

@wowbutter

I always ask my parents, is your self esteem so low you need that validation?

Or maybe their self esteem is just fine, and they're trying to build up yours. Or maybe they just want to tell you because that's how they feel. Parents tend to love their children regardless of their self esteem level FYI.

Monty27 · 30/01/2021 07:30

@Strugglingtodomybest

I tell my two that I love them every night before bed. DS1 (16) has recently started mumbling it back, which has been pure joy for me. DS2 (14) ignores it resolutely.

Yes I often get a mumbled "you too" Even on the phone nowadays He's 25 😃

doadeer · 30/01/2021 07:32

I never ignored my mum and always said it back. So does my teenage brother now. He tells me everytime we speak on the phone too. We are all very close I guess

MrsBobDylan · 30/01/2021 09:45

My Mum told me she loved me all the time (eyes filling with tears and a dramatic speech about how she had given us everything). It was bollocks but because she was abusive, I always said it back because I was scared of her.

I tell my teen I love him. I like that he knows he doesn't have to say it back to me. My love for him is free he doesn't have to do anything other than be the person he is. However, I sometimes ask him to make me a cup of tea and it is important to me that he does it - to me going out of your way to brew up is an act of love. He knows it means this to me so it is our coded way for him to say he loves me too.

TeeBee · 30/01/2021 09:55

I do numerous times every day. My little DS (15) always replies the same, and sends me little hearts throughout the day, the 17-year old will grunt back or say 'ok'. Makes no odds to me, I love him so I tell him and show him. Even though he can be an arrogant, annoying, grumpy troll, I know he loves me, I don't need him to say it. Of course, there's a chance I might be delusional

TeeBee · 30/01/2021 10:00

MrsBobDylan, I think my DS shows his love in a similar way...through service. He offers lifts to his brother and does any heavy lifting that needs doing around the house. He also always goes out of his way to buy me lovely presents on my birthday or Christmas or orders cards that he knows will make me laugh.

smoothchange · 30/01/2021 10:03

I wonder, for people that don't tell their teens they love them, when they stopped. Or is it just that some people never tell their kids they love them?

HappyFlamingo · 30/01/2021 10:06

My three DC are aged 11 to 15 and I tell them I love them often. The 11yo still says it back freely, the 15yo occasionally mumbles it, the 13yo is somewhere in between. It's textbook!

I say it to my DH it too and he doesn't always say it back - not because he doesn't love me, I know he does from his actions, but the words don't come as easily to him as they do to me.

Like a previous poster, I genuinely don't say it expecting or hoping for a response. I say it because I want them to know it.

cariadlet · 30/01/2021 10:20

I still tell my 17 year old dd that I love her. She's pretty much come out of the stroppy stage now. When she was a bit younger and being rude or obnoxious, I used to sometimes say that I didn't like her at that moment or that I didn't like her behaviour but that I still loved her and that I would always love her.

cariadlet · 30/01/2021 10:22

I don't often get an "I love you too" back but that's ok. I know that she does.

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2021 10:24

Yes, sometimes randomly but always last thing at night
Nobody ever said it in our house growing up and I think it’s important, especially if they are being stroppy.
If I hear it back it’s a bonus

PatriciaHolm · 30/01/2021 10:24

Every day, and every bedtime. They usually say it back - well boy always does, girl mostly!

Randomrebel · 30/01/2021 10:26

Yes, still say it. DS 17 says it back (mostly) but DD 15 almost 16 is absolutely dreadful, rude, nasty, calls us by our christian names and has the most appalling attitude and tone in her voice. I always tell them both I love them but it is very hard with DD. When I say it now it gets her back up. When she shouts I really hate you I shout but I really love you (which she probably finds even more annoying than if I said I hated her). I am hoping she will come round eventually but but no let up so far. Good luck.

Shodan · 30/01/2021 10:42

Yes, all the time.
Ds1 is 24 now and says it spontaneously, often before I do- always when he leaves to go home and always at the end of a phone conversation.

Ds2 is only just 13, so not fully into the teenage thing yet but he grins when I tell him I love him and, like his brother, always says it back.

But I don't always say it in a 'soppy' way. I remember when ds1 and I were having a bit of a row, and he shouted that I was 'so annoying' and I just shouted back "yeah, well, I love you so suck it up, buttercup". There was a pause and then a muttered " Love you too" followed by a bit of stomping off.

And with ds2, if he doesn't answer me straightaway ( if he's on his tablet or something), I say "OI! listen to the mother who loves you!". Always provokes a grin.

DenisetheMenace · 30/01/2021 10:42

All the time, especially now.

inchoccyheaven · 30/01/2021 10:52

I tell my ds18 I love him most days and he will reply or he will tell me but it wasn't always like that. Ds20 never says I love you if i text it and I think he must have been quite young when he stopped saying it.he has usually given me hugs though whereas ds18 refused physical contact for many years. I don't tell ds20 i love him every day and haven't for a long time as I feel it makes him uncomfortable.

Original poster

Vestinium · 30/01/2021 13:03

Thank you. You're all right of course, they need to hear it even when they're at their worst.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vestinium · 30/01/2021 13:06

@wowbutter

I always ask my parents, is your self esteem so low you need that validation?

What was their response? Do you feel ashamed of your words now, as an adult? I'm assuming only a teenager would say such a stupid thing to parents saying they love you.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2021 13:10

Yes of course. My love isn’t conditional based on good behaviour or saying it back, I’m a grown up and a parent. My job is to ensure she knows she’s loved irrelevant of whatever daft behaviour occurs

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 30/01/2021 13:11

Ohalrightthen your grandmother was a wise woman! Thats got to be one of the top ten pieces of advice to ensure a child takes on board, up there with not touching the hob when it's hot and always telling someone where you're going if you're meeting someone new...

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 30/01/2021 13:19

Mine are nearly 16 (girl) nearly 14 (boy) and nearly 10 (boy) and tell them I live them every bedtime and lots of other times - not soppily though, just "night night sweetie, live you!" they do always say it back, in the same way, but they don't have to.

There is nothing worse than a clingy, demanding or needy parent - my children owe me nothing except politeness and civil behaviour. They don't owe me sentimentality or even love. A healthy parent/ child relationship isn't symetrical or equal and can't be. The parent has far more power and with it the vast majority of the responsibility. That's as it needs to be. Children should never, ever feel responsibility for their parents'emotions.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 30/01/2021 13:20

I wonder why love always autocorrects to live

MollyButton · 30/01/2021 13:21

When I tell my children "I love you" I am trying to get that to be part of their internal monologue - so they can hear my voice saying that. It is not to get them to respond (especially as young teens when the whole thing is embarrassing).
I also find the idea of "Love Languages" interesting, so try to use that too. (But if you read the book - especially the one for teenagers, I did find a certain section cringey/creepy.)

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