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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Quick - teen help before Ilose face!

38 replies

stickyj · 21/10/2007 10:33

Right very quick info.My birthday on Friday,went out for meal with kids and friends who paid.Kids were horrible,bickering,poking,sulking etc so I grounded the three youngest for the weekend. Ages,14,12 and 9 tomorrow! Mortified at behaviour in front of friends and people were looking in pub! So yesterday 14DS was arsey and my dh was cooking a lovely meal to make up for the shitty Friday night. Long story but DS was fighting,being really rude and swearing at us. DH smacked his face when he called me a fing tw-t and then again when he called hima fing pratt! SOOOOO, ds is grounded and has gone to church after quoting Children's Rights Act at me and telling me he has every right to practice his religion! DH let himwalk out because what else can he do to him? He's grounded for two weeks as well extra so how do I save face now?Am thinking of talking to Youth Leaders at Church and shaming DS, who thinks they are the bees knees.Help,whjat shalI do?Have threatened to take everything out of his room,stop him going sking in Feb,which is already paid for and he's NOT coming out with us for DS's birthday treat.

IDEAS??

OP posts:
Original poster
stickyj · 21/10/2007 10:34

CUSTY whereare you?

OP posts:
Turquoise · 21/10/2007 10:41

Yikes.
This is what I would do (as mother of a stroppy nearly 13yo, and until Custy comes along).

Wouldn't stop the skiing as it's paid for and a bit of an overreaction imho.

I would take away something precious to him (playstation, mobile?) for the week, and get dh to apologise for hitting him and say because of that, he is not grounded the extra time - dh was in the wrong to do it.

I would not shame him at church, but try and have a conversation with him about his behaviour and say that you are finding it so hard to reach him, you are thinking of talking to his Youth Leaders - in a non threatening way?

Turquoise · 21/10/2007 10:43

I don't think it's so much a question of saving face, as regaining his respect after the smacking tbh, so it's not really backing down.

I tend to keep the punishments small but manageable - and stick to them.

3littlebats · 21/10/2007 10:47

Stop and think. This is escalating and you need to be very sure that you can, and will carry through any threats you make. I am thinking particularly of the trip you have paid for.

I have 2 teenage boys and have been to hell and back with ds1 and come through it.

What i would do:

Find a time when everyone else is out of the way. Try to find a job to do that ds can help you with - something physical like cleaning, gardening etc.

Tell him how his behaviour makes you feel - eg "I felt sad, angry disappointed when you....."

If going to church is important to him then you have a great starting point for addressing his behaviour - which, after all has been very unchristian.

I think talking together with the youth leaders is a good suggestion, but your object should be to address his behaviour, not just to humiliate him.

It is hormones, totally unacceptable, but you and dh need to be the adults here. Resorting to violence isn't the answer.

sorry i have to go now, but perhaps you could give it some thought, maybe talk it over in confidence with the youth leader?

HTH

Original poster
stickyj · 21/10/2007 10:48

But what about us gaining respect fromhim,you don't swear at your parents especvially if you're practising to be baptised soon! We've had to back down to avoid another scene and upset the other kids. He was in the wrong before all this started and played up loads.

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Carmenere · 21/10/2007 10:50

Well how about telling him that he cannot be baptised atm, he will have to wait anbother year as his behaviour has shown that he is not ready for such a serious and adult commitment.

Original poster
stickyj · 21/10/2007 10:50

He's got stuff in his roomlike PS2 which all the kids share but I am pissed off that we've grounded himand he's walked out. Without physically restraining him,which we wanted to avoid, he should be respectful enough to understand that he's grounded for a reason,not just 'cos we felt like it.

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Original poster
stickyj · 21/10/2007 10:52

He hasn't actually discussed it with me,I kinda found out through someone elseand I wanted to wait until he told me himself.

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jesuswhatnext · 21/10/2007 10:52

sorry not custy - but- i would def take everything out of room, tell youth leaders about behaviour, they will probs know how to speak to him about it without alienating him, (always good when they have respect for a descent outside influence) def don't take him to ds treat, also, let him know that the ski trip is in the balance - he has to re-earn that treat, showing a bit of respect for both you and dh for a damn start.

mind you, i think he will do alright in life, he sounds quite bright if he is quoting the 'right to practice his religion' already!!

Original poster
stickyj · 21/10/2007 10:52

Have an older DS (17) too so know about teens but I'm seething!!!!!

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Original poster
stickyj · 21/10/2007 10:54

He's v bright and I was trying not to laugh.Have said he can pretend he's a martyr and stay in his room and pray.Forgiveness should be in there somewhere,methinks.Sounds crazy,you're grounded...but I want to go to church...no you can't. Only in our house

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Tortington · 21/10/2007 10:57

you can stop him from going to church during his punishment, if he doesn't like it - tell him to phone social services and tel them to take him away for loss of his human right to proactice religeon after he calls his mother a twat.( great christian there)

there comes a point where shouting and taking things away is done and you can either leave it there

or it can escalate -now if your kids are still calling you names and being precocious then its time for a sit down talk.

no more punishments - but you ARE ABSOLUTLEY allowed to enforce what you have already put in place.

need to sit down and say how much you love him and how rubbish your birthday was and how much you were looking forward to it maybe eat ice scream of something

and just make friends.

but keep the punishment.

lots of over the top I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU for stroppy teen who wont talk - especially if you shout it after them as they are walking to school down the street at first you get the " you MORON" face - then eventually you get a smile - promise.

so make friends - but keep the punishment - try to get some guit working for you - becuase that would worry me in a " am i bringing up hanibal lecter?" way - that my son didn't care he spoiled my birthday.

hope that helps - no more punishments - keep the ones you have and enforce them - and think practically - if this went before a human rights judge ( which isn't fucking likley) and you said what happened, and that he wan't allowed out for 4 weeks? i doubt the judge would think it a very serious matter - and you might want to mention this to your son.

Original poster
stickyj · 21/10/2007 11:04

Custy what should I have done when he walked out though? Shows him he can do what he likes and there's f allI can do about it. DH was really mad and I went up to stop the "scene", horrible night Others were crying and I stuck my tea in the bin,was sos tressed out. So,does he go to Church tonight,do I just give in or what. Have had awful time with DS1, drugs,leaving home etc and cannot face going through it all again.They knew that my brthday meal was special and it really worries me that they didn't care enough to stop, even with me doing the evil eye. Friends were embarrassed tto.I sat them alldown on holiday in July and wrote down what I wanted to say. They listened and kind of did that FGS mum face.I am fed up with battling and am tired.I also have a headache fromeating bugger all yesterday and sleeping badly. I am ashamed of my kids sometimes and I wish I could go back to when they were little and try again.Maybe this time I could get it right

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Original poster
stickyj · 21/10/2007 11:08

Have to go in amin,got to go and get DS's pressies, feed my Dad lunch, take himshopping,clean the house,pile in the washing,do some business stuff,and think of a way to get DS bratface back.Trying to think of which Sunday lunch he hates most!!Any more quick ideas, Custy,anyone?[smile

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Tortington · 21/10/2007 11:09

my son often walked out slammed door

this was promptly followed by turning of key and locking of door

one can leave i find

but gaining re-entry is entirely a different matter. he has slept in shed on occasion.

i think a good comprimise would be to go to churc with him. tell him its a good idea and you both need to ask god for some help.

this way you have taken away the "you can't stopme" antagonistic angle and turned it into a nice thing

and when ( if i dont know if all churches do the same) you do the sign of peace- give him a love - dont shake his hand and tell him "peace i love you"

keep telling him you love him

Carmenere · 21/10/2007 11:10

I suspect that you are a bit soft on all your dc's. House work can be done by teenagers you know, particularly ones that have ruined your birthday.

Original poster
stickyj · 21/10/2007 11:12

He can't slam his door,it's off it's hinges! That was when he swore at me last time,and told me topoff out of his room.I told him to come out or I'd break it down, he laughed and I went through that door like a dose of salts!! Door still off btw. Custy I'm not a church goer any more,loss of faithn after horrid bereavement, but I'm really mad with him.I dolove him but he's got away with it know and I'm not letting himwin.

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jesuswhatnext · 21/10/2007 11:13

oh come on sticky, your that bad!!!

they know you love them and under all those horrible hormones they love you too!

you mention probs with ds1, don't take it as read the ds2 will go the same way!

don't spend all day beating yourself up, try and have a nice sunday family meal (with a nice big drink)

Original poster
stickyj · 21/10/2007 11:13

I think I'm quite tough but I've been worn down. They have to keep their rooms tidy or no pocket money. That's it really 'cos the moaning and fights is just not worth the effort to get help.They will,especially the one being a PITA now!

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Original poster
stickyj · 21/10/2007 11:15

I'm that bad?!

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Original poster
stickyj · 21/10/2007 11:17

Actually church is a good idea and it would really freak him out if we all went!!We could all stare at his girlfriend too,

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themildmanneredaxemurderer · 21/10/2007 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 21/10/2007 11:20

fine let him go to church teling him that it might be good for him - mass finished at ? so expect you home at ? at the latest. have a nice time...love you...say one for meeeeee.

i think the overall point i am trying to make without going into minutiae is that we all get to a point where we could just hate each other forever

as the adult - you have to culture a loveing rather than hating relationship - so sure be 'big bad mum' when it calls for it - but this must be tempered with a 'i love you' mum.

or you just become a sour old bitch hated by your kids.

and this doesn't mean to say that you have to be and less strict wth punishments

dole out punishment - then say " right thats done with - what dya want for tea"

Carmenere · 21/10/2007 11:22

Oh but moaning and being a pain in the arse is the classic teen way of avoiding housework. It takes effort to make them but you are doing it for their own good. They need to be taught responsibility for their home and that you are not a chambermaid in their hotel.

If my dc's had embarrassed me and given me cheek like yours have done, particularly on my birthday I would probably have put them all outside in the cold and told them I was changing the locks.

Whilst I do agree with custy's love bomb approach I think that before that is implimented that your ds needs a sever kick up the backside. Calling you and your dh names and ignoring your rules is totally out of the question. Nip it in the bud now. Before he turns into a thoroughly nasty person. Going to church is a load of crap if he is not listening and if he is like my dss used to be, he is probably only going as a social exercise anyhow.

Tortington · 21/10/2007 11:25

custy's love bomb

that should be a bumper sticker

i'd buy it!

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