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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Don't know what to do?

78 replies

Shoegal0305 · 17/08/2020 21:33

So I posted recently about DS 17, 'temporarily' leaving home to do a summer job in the field he eventually wants to work in. He's 18 is 2 months. Currently about to start 2nd year of A levels.

Since he's been doing his summer job he's expressed his total dread at returning home. Where he is now is about 2 1/2 - 3 hours from home. He's staying with friends who are on the uni course he eventually wants to get onto. They are lovely lads, switched on etc I have no issues with that. DS is tipping up money for his board and lodgings. All good.

Today however he's hit me with the decision he's not coming home!!! He's found a course at a local college where he is now, one year, will give him the equivalent of 3 A Levels. I'm distraught beyond belief. He reckons he can work where he is now to pay his way, ditch his A Levels and do this other course and then get to uni that way???

I'm a lone parent with no support. Im so proud of him as he's showing such initiative towards what he wants to do, however, I'd kind of mapped out in mr head that he had one more year at home, then the humdrum of uni, grants/loans etc........... I'm so worried he'll crash and not manage. I selfishly want him to come home as I wasn't mentally ready!!! He's agreed to at least come home and talk, but his mind is made up???

Help!!!

OP posts:

jojojoeyjojo · 17/08/2020 21:54

Why are you 'distraught' my DS who is a similar age and has severe mental health issues. If he was forging his way, living independently and had lovely friends I would be utterly delighted.

Original poster

Shoegal0305 · 17/08/2020 22:09

@jojojoeyjojo you're right, I didn't mean any offence. I'm distraught at losing him so suddenly ...... selfish? Yes! I've been on my own with him since he was 3. I has mentally prepared myself for him leaving for uni next year and this has taken me by surprise 😞

OP posts:

jojojoeyjojo · 17/08/2020 22:28

But you haven't lost him..you've obviously done a great job to raise him to be so confident and independent. He'll always be your son and you can visit him and he can visit you and you will appreciate those times together. This could be your chance for your own independence and freedom after being a single mum for so long.

Original poster

Shoegal0305 · 17/08/2020 22:37

@jojojoeyjojo thank you. I'm
So feeling sorry for myself I need a kick up the booty! 😂.

I'm sorry to hear about your boy? I'm sure your still immensely proud of him x

OP posts:

SillyCow6 · 17/08/2020 22:42

I can understand you not being ready to wave him off permanently, it's well known really that this happens. I can understand jojo looking at this from a different set of circumstances and feeling differently but you have a right to feel the way you feel, both of you.
I think when he comes home you need to talk about the financial side and make sure that is realistically manageable for him. Then work on your feelings and be kind to yourself about it all

Original poster

Shoegal0305 · 17/08/2020 22:47

@SillyCow6 thank you that's my intentions. I just feel so empty so suddenly. I'd prepared myself for another year at home with him so this has hit me hard. I do understand @jojojoeyjojo take on it tho.

OP posts:

flowerrful · 17/08/2020 22:50

You have to let him go. He's obviously found the right way for him.

jelly79 · 17/08/2020 23:01

Don't be hard on yourself! It's ok to be freaked out and sad at the thought of him leaving never mind earlier than you are ready!

Original poster

Shoegal0305 · 18/08/2020 02:03

@jelly79 @flowerrful thank you for replying. I am freaked out! I k low I have to let go but it's taken me by surprise. Maybe not entirely as I knew he wanted to stay where he is, but there's loads to consider. He won't get a grant until he's at uni so will Jane to work to provide for himself. Worry! Silly things like GP, dentist, finances, so many things he has rooted at home and all of a sudden I have to accept. He needs to go to school and tell then he's not coming back, I need to fully look at this new course, it's part time, will he be ok? It's 2am and my mind is racing! I'm up at 5am for work 🥱😴

OP posts:

Original poster

Shoegal0305 · 18/08/2020 19:44

It's hit me today! Been really tearful but I guess that's normal 😞😞

OP posts:

jelly79 · 18/08/2020 22:50

Oh bless you OP

To be honest I'd be exactly the same! Most people would! Just support his independence and help him plan knowing you are there with jk. X

jelly79 · 18/08/2020 22:51

Him not jk

Original poster

Shoegal0305 · 19/08/2020 05:05

I'm feeling so bloody sad. It's come completely out of the blue a whole year early! Yes I know he was going anyway but I had another year to get us both ready. I'm super proud of his confidence and independence but I still still he's making a mistake. But the hard bit is allowing him to do so. I'm lying awake and haven't slept for days.

OP posts:

AuntieJoyce · 19/08/2020 05:52

Why do you think he is making a mistake shoegal ?

When will you be seeing him next?

weathervane1 · 19/08/2020 05:53

I'd be more concerned to find out about the alternative course that he has found. Will it really give him the equivalent of three A levels and enable him to go to Uni or is it more that he just wants to stay with his new mates (who have already done their A levels and have no real duty of care towards him)?

Original poster

Shoegal0305 · 19/08/2020 07:55

@AuntieJoyce @weathervane1

I had hoped he was going to complete his A levels. He's already done a year. I've looked at the course he wants to do it is a level 3 BTec? It says it's the equivalent of 3 A levels.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shoegal0305 · 19/08/2020 07:57

@AuntieJoyce I have booked a little mini break for myself at the end of the month staying near where DS is. Was so looking forward to it, got loads of wine a books ready 😂😂. It was to coincide with bringing him home

OP posts:

PhilCornwall1 · 19/08/2020 08:03

If BTECs are anything like when I did one, which was back in 89/90, it will be the equivalent of 3 A Levels. Mine was and it got me in to University with no problems at all.

Original poster

Shoegal0305 · 19/08/2020 08:08

@PhilCornwall1 yes it is I've looked into it.

I just feel (maybe selfishly as I don't want him to go yet) that if he did this course close to home he won't have living costs, he can pass his driving test as I take him out in my car all the time he just hasn't put in for his test yet, and he's working in the travel and tourism sector, what if covid strikes again and where he works shuts again? I can't make him see it. He wants to work where he is now, study for this BTec and then do uni. I know I have to step back he's 18 in 2 months but my god it's so difficult!

OP posts:

onlinelinda · 19/08/2020 08:15

It's hard to see how he could do a l3 BTEC in a year and earn enough to stay away and self support.

PhilCornwall1 · 19/08/2020 08:21

[quote Shoegal0305]@PhilCornwall1 yes it is I've looked into it.

We're parents, we will always worry about them. It's a job we'll never retire from! Oh and the pay is crap.

Laburnam · 19/08/2020 08:27

In reality he might find it really tough to study and work the hours needed to be able to fully support himself

Original poster

Shoegal0305 · 19/08/2020 08:28

@onlinelinda it's a part time course and where he is currently working have offered him a job. He's living with 3 others (all doing the degree he wants to do) in a shared house so rent isn't that much. He has assured me he can manage and said he'd rather be happy and skint!!!!! Like I say I feel totally helpless I can't physically force him home and if I somehow dud it would ruin what relationship we have. I'm stuck between the rock and the hard place!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Shoegal0305 · 19/08/2020 08:28

@PhilCornwall1 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Shoegal0305 · 19/08/2020 08:29

@Laburnam he's so bloody head strong, which is a good thing I guess!!! He's supported himself so far but I do obviously worry 😞

OP posts:

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