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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Don't know what to do?

78 replies

Shoegal0305 · 17/08/2020 21:33

So I posted recently about DS 17, 'temporarily' leaving home to do a summer job in the field he eventually wants to work in. He's 18 is 2 months. Currently about to start 2nd year of A levels.

Since he's been doing his summer job he's expressed his total dread at returning home. Where he is now is about 2 1/2 - 3 hours from home. He's staying with friends who are on the uni course he eventually wants to get onto. They are lovely lads, switched on etc I have no issues with that. DS is tipping up money for his board and lodgings. All good.

Today however he's hit me with the decision he's not coming home!!! He's found a course at a local college where he is now, one year, will give him the equivalent of 3 A Levels. I'm distraught beyond belief. He reckons he can work where he is now to pay his way, ditch his A Levels and do this other course and then get to uni that way???

I'm a lone parent with no support. Im so proud of him as he's showing such initiative towards what he wants to do, however, I'd kind of mapped out in mr head that he had one more year at home, then the humdrum of uni, grants/loans etc........... I'm so worried he'll crash and not manage. I selfishly want him to come home as I wasn't mentally ready!!! He's agreed to at least come home and talk, but his mind is made up???

Help!!!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 19/08/2020 08:34

There isn't a one year course that is the equivalent of A levels, though. He needs to check that a uni would accept the qualification. Is it a BTEC? A college would expect him to take a two year course and a uni would expect distinctions. How does he plan to support himself while working for top grades?

AuntieJoyce · 19/08/2020 08:35

I don’t understand the interplay of BTEC and A levels in 1 year rather than 2. I think you will need to get a handle on that

Speaking from my own experience I got a summer job in between A level years which could have led to vocational qualifications and was persuaded to go back to finish my A levels instead. I regretted it very quickly and did very badly because it wasn’t what I wanted to do. Your DS needs to feel like he has made his own decision

Try not to let it keep you awake on a night now, just do your research for when you visit and see how the land lies then Flowers

TabbyStar · 19/08/2020 08:46

My DD is 17 and decided not to finish her A levels, and a few weeks ago said she might move in with her friend, I'm a lone parent too, and I completely understand the preparing for it. It's not realistic for her at the moment but I would be really upset at the change of plan.

I also thought that a 3 A level equivalent BTEC takes two years, so I'd echo that advice to check it out in more detail. When my DD decided to leave we checked out uni access courses as a possibility for the future, and they are one year, but I don't know whether they apply to 6th form age kids.

PhilCornwall1 · 19/08/2020 08:51

I also thought that a 3 A level equivalent BTEC takes two years, so I'd echo that advice to check it out in more detail.

I certainly agree with people saying this. Mine took 2 years of full time study to complete the course.

Original poster
Shoegal0305 · 19/08/2020 09:03

I've emailed the college for more advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shoegal0305 · 19/08/2020 18:01

Can anyone shed some advice on having to deal with the 'grief' I'm feeling at the minute? I was expecting him home and feel like my arm been chopped off 😞😞😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Shoegal0305 · 20/08/2020 07:01

Anyone? Sorry, don't really have anyone in reality so I look here for comfort

OP posts:
TabbyStar · 20/08/2020 07:17

It is grief, it's the loss of a relationship as you had it, and these things take a while to settle in your head, you'll need to renegotiate how you both relate now but that might be difficult if he's focused on new things at the moment. Take it easy on yourself and expect to feel like this, and start to think about how you can make a different life for yourself now. It's similar to any "empty nester" really except it's happened suddenly and you haven't had time to prepare.

I'll be going through this soon and I'm not looking forward to it. Obviously I know DD needs to move on with her life but I want to keep her forever! I think as a lone parent you can end up a bit isolated too for various reasons, so there might be more social connections to build up again.

Do sort out the practical stuff with him though about this course and whether it really will get into uni, but calmly and try to keep to facts! Good luck.

Original poster
Shoegal0305 · 20/08/2020 07:39

Thank you @TabbyStar that really helps.

I am a loner, I like my own company, I do suffer from a bit of social anxiety.

I am awaiting the response from the college, I've arranged to go to see my DS this weekend staying in a little B&B near where he lives. 😞 he's very adamant he's staying, I will have a proper chat tho.

I feel the house is now alien to me! It doesn't feel like home. Keep going into his room and crying. Will this ever end? I miss him so much and I'm struggling with the fact I thought I had another year to prepare. Keep thinking of the last night he was here and how relaxed it was as thought he was only going for a few weeks. The pain is unbearable.

OP posts:
TabbyStar · 20/08/2020 08:16

It's early days, it's probably a bit of a shock. How you feel now isn't necessarily how you'll feel next week, it can take time to sink in. You might want to think about talking to someone though. In the mean time you could make a list of the things you can do to distract yourself.

Maybe Google empty nesters if you haven't done already to see how other people have coped, that might give you some idea of the different feelings people go through and the timescale to start to integrate the new situation into your mind and your life.

Original poster
Shoegal0305 · 20/08/2020 08:20

@TabbyStar lol all I've done is google empty nesters! Thing is 99% of the sites refer to situations where you KNEW your child was leaving so gives you advice on the run up to it etc.... I've just had it suddenly thrust upon me! Also almost 100% of the sites refer to partners and support and rekindling your relationships!!!

OP posts:
SillyCow6 · 20/08/2020 14:26

www.netdoctor.co.uk/parenting/teenager/a26910/empty-nesting-single-parent/

It is a type of grief, like Tabby said, be patient with yourself

Original poster
Shoegal0305 · 20/08/2020 14:39

@SillyCow6 thank you that's a great link. I'm doing everything 'right' I think? Just wish I didn't feel like a have a huge weight on my chest!!! I know I'll feel better when I've seen him? Well, I hope I will! I've heard back from college they seem to be quite sure it's a two year course and full time. I asked about how my son would be able to work outside of college hours and they seemed to suggest working weekends, evenings and the odd full weekday. This doesn't fit in with my sons choice of work - it's in the hospitality/attraction sector so no evening in this particular place, also it closes from early November to March! When I challenged DS about how he was earning his living then he's obviously thought it thru and is convinced he's going to get bar/hotel work! Also he needs a certain number of UCAS points to start uni. Year one of this particular BTec offers 84 points ONLY with a DD * pass!!!* *
*
I need to convince him to come home, quit 6th form if need be that's not the issue, study a BTec closer to home, he won't have to work to sustain himself so more chance of getting his two *distinctions!

Also he can get his driving text under his belt, his dad has promised him a bit of money towards a car, he can still travel to see his friends there as and when!

It's making him see sense I'm worried about and I can't drag him home kicking and screaming! Apologies fir the bold text I started putting* the little star symbols on and it somehow turned the text bold!!! 😂

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/08/2020 14:44

If he does that course he just won't be able to support himself and it lasts two years.

If he stays at home he could spend every holiday there and this time next year he'd be living there.

Is there a girl involved? Is he able to do things (drink etc) there that he can't do at home?

coldcolder · 20/08/2020 15:56

You don't have control of the situation, and he'd be angry with you if you did. All you can do is write to him in a calm factual way - directing him to websites etc as much as possible, so that he doesn't think that you're exaggerating in order to keep him at home. Make it clear that it's his choice.

coldcolder · 20/08/2020 15:57

And you should be clear about the extent to which you can and can't support him financially. Be upfront about it to avoid arguments later on.

coldcolder · 20/08/2020 15:58

Mention Covid, obviously. Who knows whether bar work will be available.

SillyCow6 · 20/08/2020 17:01

I agree with coldcolder. If you try and force him to stay home then he will resent you. You need to lay out the facts for him then let him make his own decision and be honest when you say you will support him (not necessarily financially) even if it doesnt work out - as in allow him to come home and do his final a level year, if thats even a possibility, could you ask the school if he could return in a year or so if things dont pan out?

It's really tough but I think sometimes you need to let them make a mistake so they learn for themselves rather than being told it wont work

Original poster
Shoegal0305 · 20/08/2020 17:23

Thank you all, all your replies are really helpful.

My plan is to go down next week see him face to face, give him the facts and take it from there. I just feel it's happened so suddenly that's why I'm feeling so shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shoegal0305 · 20/08/2020 17:23

Covid will get a mention lol

OP posts:
ssd · 20/08/2020 17:26

Don't give him the facts. Give him a big smile and a hug. His facts will be different to your facts.
He sounds great
Be proud and let him grow up

ssd · 20/08/2020 17:27

And remember, this is his time, it's not about you.

Original poster
Shoegal0305 · 20/08/2020 17:27

I don't think there's a girl involved? What do I know I'm only his mum haha. There's three of them living in a shared house, one is a 20 year old girl who I've met once she seemed lovely. Not sure if her relationship status but I'm guessing if anything she is mothering him lol!! Or if there IS anything going on? Well? Who knows? He can't drink in pubs where he is as it's heavily student populated so they constantly get asked for ID which he obviously can't produce! I allow him to drink sensibly at home but he's not a drinker and his house mates as far as I'm aware aren't too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shoegal0305 · 20/08/2020 17:28

@ssd he is great I'm extremely proud of him I just don't want him to make a decision even he hasn't got the facts 😫

OP posts:
ssd · 20/08/2020 17:29

Stop trying to read his mind. He has to be allowed to grow up.

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