Don't know what to do?

[Shoegal0305]

So I posted recently about DS 17, 'temporarily' leaving home to do a summer job in the field he eventually wants to work in. He's 18 is 2 months. Currently about to start 2nd year of A levels.

Since he's been doing his summer job he's expressed his total dread at returning home. Where he is now is about 2 1/2 - 3 hours from home. He's staying with friends who are on the uni course he eventually wants to get onto. They are lovely lads, switched on etc I have no issues with that. DS is tipping up money for his board and lodgings. All good.

Today however he's hit me with the decision he's not coming home!!! He's found a course at a local college where he is now, one year, will give him the equivalent of 3 A Levels. I'm distraught beyond belief. He reckons he can work where he is now to pay his way, ditch his A Levels and do this other course and then get to uni that way???

I'm a lone parent with no support. Im so proud of him as he's showing such initiative towards what he wants to do, however, I'd kind of mapped out in mr head that he had one more year at home, then the humdrum of uni, grants/loans etc........... I'm so worried he'll crash and not manage. I selfishly want him to come home as I wasn't mentally ready!!! He's agreed to at least come home and talk, but his mind is made up???

Help!!!

He'll know more than he's letting on

@ssd probably

I do think he needs the facts about the course that he seems to think he can do part time for 1 year but in reality it is a 2 year full time course.
Maybe he hasnt looked into it properly or has heard it from somewhere else and got dud information.

Yes he needs to know facts

I would also be devastated and worried that it would all go wrong. However my guess is it will go wrong - he's very young and it's not thought through - but I think he'll be back with you very quickly. However he may then be returning to you with financial commitments elsewhere- so this needs talking through before it happens not after!

I'm here in the town where my DS is staying. He messaged me last night and took offence that I was coming and said I'd told him I was coming tomorrow? To be honest I can't remember what I said as head is mashed! However he categorically said NO that I'm not coming today! I am and have, obviously!! Said he was busy? I asked what was so important he said he was working till 7 then just wanted to chill! So I've arranged to meet one of the lads he lives with for tea! He seems to think DS is making silly decisions too!

Id be a little careful about how you manage this. He sounds like he's behaving quite immaturely but if you try and push him to do something he doesn't want to do, then he will likely dig his heels in and it'll cause big arguments and bigger problems.
I'm not sure what to suggest, you know best how your son will react but just be careful of going in and saying he is wrong
Good luck for tomorrow!

So I am staying in a B&B - feel so alone. Met DS and it awful - I tried to stay calm but ended up breaking my heart.

He was petulant and cocky, I broke my heart, he is completely adamant he’s staying here! He wouldn’t go out for lunch with me, wouldn’t have a coffee with me, refused to even make me one. So we went for a drive, he drove, up to Alton Towers and I’m now back at the B&b. Told him I’m coming down next week fir the lodge which he’s not arsed about as needs ‘space’ so I told him the boys were coming anyway for food and hot tub!!! He said he’d get his ‘budget’ drawn up by then with lew and matts help to prove its viable! It was awful I’m
Sat with a wine!

Im so sorry @Shoegal0305 I think this might be one of those times that you have to let him make his own mistakes and be there to help him when he comes back with his tail between his legs. I dont mean paying for everything but supporting him. It will be a hard fall for him, but I think if you break down your relationship now then he'll find it hard to come back and admit his mistakes and could end up in a worse situation eventually.

I really think he has had his head turned by staying with students doing the same course that he wants to get onto. Probably not intentionally on their part either. However, living with students is not the same as being one and his plans are unrealistic to my mind. I do hope by the time he realises that, it's not too late to complete his A levels. If at all possible, start to focus on building a life for yourself - at least to give you some resilience. From your posts, it does seem as if your are living some of your life through him by proxy.

Thank you both. I do love my life thru hi but it's hard not to there's only been a two since he was 3 😞

LIVE * haha not much loving going on 😂

I think you have to prepare yourself for the fact that he almost certainly won't be going to uni next year. Maybe think of this year as a gap year? Then if he's genuine about uni he can come home next year or the year after and do an Access course.

Thank you it breaks me heart to especially how cocky and heartless he's been towards me

Anyone there? I am desperate. I am going to try and get some professional help when I get home - I'm sat in my B&b crying again desperate yo go home, I'm heading home in a bit, but also I don't want to go home as Jon's isn't home any more

This sounds hard. Have you friends in real life you can talk to? You need support.

Definitely do get help once you're home, it's been a shock to the system.
In the meantime maybe start trying to work out where these feelings are coming from.
What is the main emotion you're feeling - is it sadness, or fear? Are you afraid of being alone or afraid of things not going right for your son? Or both?
I find if I can work out why I'm having a bigger than 'normal' reaction to something, then I can normally start sorting things through in my head and working through the emotions. Often times that's enough for me, and hopefully it might help you work through everything.

I dont want to put words in your mouth, especially as I dont know your past - but is there an element of being worried he is leaving you the same way his father did? Or is the cockiness similar to the dad, something like that might have triggered an even stronger reaction, as if you're dealing with this situation but also reliving a past hurt maybe?

Maybe he was cocky because he thought you were there to try to change his mind. Maybe send a short text saying something like ‘I’m really proud of you. Sorting out a course and a job shows maturity. I want you to be happy and hope everything works out well. I don’t want our relationship to suffer though’
The most important thing is your relationship with him. He can ‘mess up’ this year and next year do a uni foundation course or a 2 year BTEC. Or maybe an apprenticeship. I’m a bit surprised the college doesn’t do A levels for him to continue, but maybe they’re different boards & different syllabus. Regardless his career can take those twists and turns but your relationship with him needs some stability. I’d offer him that and try my best to trust that he’s making those decisions for the right reasons and kind of let him. But ready to catch if needed - but not tell him that. Doubting his ability will annoy him, I think.
Focus on you for a bit!!

So I've got DS home. He's shut himself away in his room and I can hear him laughing and shouting to his friends online. He's said he doesn't want to talk today, I'm happy with that as I feel
Like I've been run over by a steam roller myself. His grandad died last night too (dads dad) which I'm heartbroken about as I was close to him. So all in all I'm none the wiser.

How's things, op? Did you get some counselling for yourself, as you said up thread?
Kindly said, it does seem like you are living his life instead of yours. He is practically a man now.

@Longlockdown thanks for asking..... I'm feeling ok at the min. I guess I got myself so worked up and stressed over it all I finally reached the point where I realised I couldn't do any more. I do appreciate what you say about me 'living his life' for him and you are probably correct. I just feel I don't want him to mess up but I'm slowly realising this is something he has to do himself. Something 'clicked' the other day and I actually felt positive for the first time in ages. I don't have any close family - or hobbies for that matter, working and bringing up my son has kept me busy. So I am trying hard to think of just myself and every day do something for me. It's small steps. Even going out and buying a scented candle is an event. But it's a start. My DS still doesn't know what he wants to do. He's currently back down doing his 'summer' job. I ended up going into school
Last week whilst he was home, he refused to come. They gave him options. I can do no more. I'm still having the counselling and it's helping.

It's tough for both of you but you seem to be doing a good job. It's difficult, but I have to try to step back a bit. I even say to myself, "step back, think about it for an hour / evening" when something is going on.
Teenagers & difficult divorced dad's, huh!

@Longlockdown damned right lol.

He's just sent me a pic of his work yesterday, he's being trained on a new team within his workplace. He looks so happy. But that's not the issue, it's very complex. Because he's 2 hours from home and living with student friends, he needs to be able to sustain himself and that's my worry. He's earning minimum wage. I'd rather he went into the industry via university with a grant and education behind him.

Sometimes happiness IS the issue, OP. It can be difficult to find, but it sounds like he'll do ok. He'll probably exist on very little money at all for a while, pick up extra hours where he can and make it work.
He has a home / room with you if he needs it.
He can restart / retrain / resit at aged 20/30/40 even 50, if he wishes.
Try to remember the analogy about opening the cage, then holding your hand out for a canary so it can rest, then fly away again, rather than holding it and squashing it so tightly in your fist that it loses its colour.
When you see him happy, think yellow, and what a good job you are doing as a canary owner.
Good luck!

@Longlockdown thank you that's a lovely positive message.