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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenager potty mouthed

97 replies

gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 11:05

My DD is 16 and has taken to swearing at us (i.e. telling us to fuck off) whenever we nag her to do something (e.g. turn the music down, keep quiet, your brother is sleeping or pick up your dirty socks) or when we disturb her in her room. This morning, I got it because she told me to wake her up at 9, which I did.

It has become a bit of a habit now and DH, in particular, feels very hurt by it, whereas my tactic has been to ignore it (or say it back if I'm in a particularly bad mood). But even I am finding it a bit much and it's time to try a different tactic.

I think it is partly a generational thing. She has no qualms about using the word, cunt, whereas people my age can't even say it out loud. To DD, it's just a word and, in her words 'not racist or anything', which shows she has some morals.

I definitely feel it is a respect thing. Even her friends pull her up on it sometimes.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 02/07/2020 11:07

If you get a chance, record her, then play it back to her. She probably thinks she sounds cool, whereas in fact it sounds really awful. Tell her - do you have any idea how horrible this makes you sound?

Original poster
gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 11:12

Oh, that wouldn't go down well at all. She is pretty feisty at the best of times, although we have told her it makes her sound awful.

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 02/07/2020 11:14

Why would you ignore your teenager telling you to fuck off? Confused
Mine would get short shrift from me, she obviously assumes you're fine with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hailtomyteeth · 02/07/2020 11:14

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Thisismytimetoshine · 02/07/2020 11:16

Oh, that wouldn't go down well at all
Sorry, what? What sort of pushover are you? Confused

00100001 · 02/07/2020 11:16

Dear lord.

Tell her to stop swearing at you. There's no need.

I'm ok with my DS16 swearing mildly, bit never at me. Eg he can say 'the bloody washing machine is broken" but he's not allowed to say "bloody hell mum I'm doing it'"

If she carries on, remove privileges eg...WiFi... Stop washing her clothes etc.

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/07/2020 11:19

I agree with the PP, an occasional swear word is ok, but swearing at you is not ok.

SeaToSki · 02/07/2020 11:20

I would be less bothered by the actual words and more by the attitude. A friendly fuck off is very different from a hate filled one.

If it is hate filled, address that with consequences. If it is just word choice, maybe let it go for a while and hope she grows out of it

gotothecooler · 02/07/2020 11:21

I would be less bothered by the actual words and more by the attitude.

This.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 02/07/2020 11:23

Lack of WiFi will give her time for reflection..
Or remove her phone charger. Nothing worse for a teen than watching that battery draining...
Ime
Grin

Original poster
gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 11:25

I am not interested in inflaming the situation, which is exactly what fighting fire with fire does with her. So things like taking phones, Wifis etc does not work with her. It never has and, God knows, we have tried it consistently in the past.

What I am interested in is getting through to her and maturing her, so she realises that this is, in fact, not OK and just not taking us for granted, which, yes, is my fault for letting her.

For the person who asked my age. I am 49. I do not know anyone over 30 who bandies around the word, cunt, so I am intrigued to know which circles you move in - especially if you are in your 60s. My mum is from a very rough area and is in her 70s. She would probably still belt me one if I ever dared call her a cunt. She is perfectly comfortable with hearing the word, fuck off, occasionally, as am I. I'm not prude but it is the blatant disrespect I am getting tired of as I am of the sheer volume of swearing.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 02/07/2020 11:26

If any of my teenagers had sworn at me like that the consequences would have been severe.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 02/07/2020 11:28

Inflaming to you is taking back control to me..
You admit your dd rules your house.. Bet she knows it too.

gotothecooler · 02/07/2020 11:28

No consequences for being rude and disrespectful isn't going to 'mature' her. Get a grip of this now before it really is too late. It's bad enough that she thinks that is an acceptable way to talk to you as it is without letting it escalate further.

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/07/2020 11:30

Most 60 year olds don't go round randomly calling people cunts (sorry, Hailtomyteeth, that really isn't the norm, whatever you may do in your own circle) so don't get sidetracked by that, op.
I will never allow my children to tell me to fuck off without major consequences, though. Letting it pass is just reinforcing the idea that you don't expect respect from her, so you're not getting any.

HunkyPunk · 02/07/2020 11:32

I'm not a particularly strict parent, but if any of my dc spoke to me like that, I would go ballistic! I'm not naive enough to imagine that none of them have ever uttered a swear word, but they know they'd get short shrift if they spoke to us like that. I think you've ignored it long enough. That tactic isn't working. You need to let her know it's unacceptable at home, whatever she's like with her friends.

BelindaBl1nked · 02/07/2020 11:35

You're not interested in inflaming the situation? Wow. Id understand that viewpoint if she was sulky or messy or flouncy or lazy etc - you gotta pick your battles. But her telling you to fuck off on a daily basis? You're actually mad for accepting that.

I have two teens - well one is 20 now. I'm trying to think how I'd react if one of them had told me to fuck off. I wouldn't be ignoring it and wondering if it was a generational thing that's for sure.

I'd remove privileges immediately and sit her down to have a serious chat about how it won't be tolerated going forward

All of this tip toeing round her does you no favours

pollyhampton · 02/07/2020 11:39

My kids are allowed to swear as much as they like as it's simply not the hill I am prepared to die on.

However, swearing outside the home or at someone is absolutely forbidden and they get that totally.

I don't think 'getting through to her' will particularly work ( I am also the owner of a 16 year old) but calling her out every single time she does it might. And letting her know it is totally and utterly unexceptable.

ellsom · 02/07/2020 11:39

I was brought up in a no swearing household and my mum would have been offended if I swore at or around her so I never did.

I have never sworn in front of my teenage son and have never heard him swear.

However dh swears a lot and DS thinks nothing of swearing and using the word cunt at him, you set your own boundaries, they learn by example.

orangetangerines · 02/07/2020 11:40

My mum and dad were never naive to the fact i swore, i was allowed to swear infront of them (if something went wrong or was relaying a conversation) but jesus christ i would have never ever sworn at them. It's not a generation thing, i'm only 5 years older than your daughter. All it is is a complete lack of respect towards you and her dad.
You really need to get a grip of it now before she does it to somebody who won't just 'ignore it'

Original poster
gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 11:41

Right, ok, has anyone on here had a teenager like this and turned it around?

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 02/07/2020 11:45

You said that you do swear back at her.

If that's the case, you're a hypocrite and you both have a long way to go to change direction.

How about trying a mutual pact - will she stop swearing in the house if you do too?
Her friends pulling her up on it will probably have more impact.

Inthebelljar · 02/07/2020 11:59

Wow. So basically, you both allow her to swear at you and tell you to “fuck off” because neither of you pulls her up at any point? My mum would have hit the roof if i’d told her to fuck off at 16Hmm You need to grow a bit of a spine i’m afraid or she’s going to think this behaviour is acceptable to do to other people. I also don’t agree it’s a generational thing either, as i’m also only a few years older than her, and would never disrespect my parents like that!

Sunnydayshereatlast · 02/07/2020 12:10

My 13 dd had her tech removed for 3 weeks recently...
She transformed pretty much instantly..
My ds is 16 and knows the repercussions would include zero cash /no phone too up /charger removed /no WiFi.
I can honestly say none of my dc have ever sworn at me to the degree you describe..
Would like to add my ds's went nc with exh due to lack of his boundaries...

Original poster
gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 12:12

Erm, no, nowhere did I say that I allow it and definitely not H. She has been told unacceptable as I've said further up.

Yes, occasionally , I bite back but not many times. Other times, I might let it slide because it makes her worse as do consequences.

So I need someone to post on here who has been through this and has made positive change with a child who becomes more unmanageable if issued a 'punishment .'

Those who wouldn't have dared or, with whom phone confiscation works, thank you, I realise this is the norm but I need a more novel strategy from a fellow parent who has been there.

OP posts: