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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenager potty mouthed

97 replies

gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 11:05

My DD is 16 and has taken to swearing at us (i.e. telling us to fuck off) whenever we nag her to do something (e.g. turn the music down, keep quiet, your brother is sleeping or pick up your dirty socks) or when we disturb her in her room. This morning, I got it because she told me to wake her up at 9, which I did.

It has become a bit of a habit now and DH, in particular, feels very hurt by it, whereas my tactic has been to ignore it (or say it back if I'm in a particularly bad mood). But even I am finding it a bit much and it's time to try a different tactic.

I think it is partly a generational thing. She has no qualms about using the word, cunt, whereas people my age can't even say it out loud. To DD, it's just a word and, in her words 'not racist or anything', which shows she has some morals.

I definitely feel it is a respect thing. Even her friends pull her up on it sometimes.

OP posts:

BelindaBl1nked · 02/07/2020 12:32

Ah it's a different ball game if you're also telling her to fuck off sometimes. No wonder you're having problems

Splattherat · 02/07/2020 13:09

Watching with interest.
During lockdown with two teens and as I have been shielding I have turned a blind eye to a few things to make life more bearable all
round. For example largely ignoring very messy bedrooms, not expecting them to do anything around the home and the odd swear word.
Anyway yesterday morning DD 15 1/2 swore at me I ignored it as she hasn’t been in a good place recently and she was due in school for half a day in less than 20 mins. DH had a word with her about it and she said F U to him. He went ballistic. When she came home from school i told her she could have her technology until 4pm for school work (but then I was removing everything at 4pm as her behaviour was totally unacceptable). She kicked off a bit but accepted it and she was lovely and even spent some time witb us downstairs. We even had a nice game of scrabble. DH dislikes confrontation and punishments so I always look like the baddie when I insist. I think although she kicked off and was angry OP she did calm down and I think somehow she felt happier.

Original poster

gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 13:13

Please can experienced parents share and advise. Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 13:15

Thanks, splattherat. Sometimes it's better to talk to them when calm, isn't it. I'm glad you and your dh came to an agreement. It does help

OP posts:

mbosnz · 02/07/2020 13:27

I think, OP, you're unlikely to get many suggestions as to how to get your teenager to modify her behaviour without any pain being suffered on both your part and your teenagers, in the form of having to impose and follow through on consequences, and her kicking off about that.

Original poster

gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 13:31

Well, at the moment, 95% of replies have been from 20 somethings who apparently wouldn't say boo to a goose or parents of children like that.

Anyone with experience with children with a feisty personality care to share tips??? Many thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 13:32

Or even anyone struggling want to commiserate?

OP posts:

mbosnz · 02/07/2020 13:39

Nah, I'm a 49 year old parent of a couple of fairly feisty teenagers myself. However, I'm feistier.

If they behave according to the rules of the house, life is pleasant for everybody. If they don't, then it rapidly becomes unpleasant for them, until they get back into line. Kicking off about the unpleasantness only results in it becoming more unpleasant for them, until they do get back into line.

And that's the way it's always been. We have the power.

But we also discuss, negotiate and compromise with regards to the rules. However it's non-negotiable that nobody swears at or verbally abuses any one else in the house.

jessstan2 · 02/07/2020 13:45

She has no right to use such foul language to you and her attitude is appalling but it's a phase some go through.

Tell her you won't tolerate it but at the same time, keep out of her space. Youngsters of your daughter's age need their privacy and not to be treated as kids - however, grown ups don't swear at their parents.

If she wants to be woken at 9am she needs an alarm clock.

Foxglovesandprimroses · 02/07/2020 13:47

Read The Explosive Child - a game changer if your DD doesn't really respond to consequences/ rewards

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 02/07/2020 13:51

I'm in my 40s and have a son who is 20. He was never allowed to swear growing up, i had a mental threshold of around 18 for being OK with him swearing. I am not naive and I told him as long as it wasn't in earshot, I was fairly certain he swore when with his friends, but i didn't want to hear it. Even now, he rarely swears in front of me. Bloody is an exception, never considered that swearing, and piss and shit i hear occasionally, but even then he will look at me guiltily after saying it. I never tell him off but he still has that idea that I disapprove, despite my own sailor's language...

Anyway in relation to your DD I agree with others that you need to reset the boundaries and take back control because the language is only one part of the problem if she is ruling the roost. If you don't agree on house rules now, you will find it harder when she is 17 or 18 and out drinking and staying out for days with boys or friends without telling you. If things like wifi or device removal don't work, then you know that isn't her currency. You have to work out what her currency is - everyone has one and it is by understanding that, that you will be able to set the boundaries. It could be an incentive rather than a punishment. You just need to think creatively.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 02/07/2020 13:53

My 13 yo dd is very feisty. As a young dc any 'crime' was worth doing regardless of what she knew the punishment to be..
Small immediate punishments always carried out. No far fetched ones she knew weren't going to happen. She caught on about secondary school that I don't mess about. Especially now I have tech as a tool... No tidy room - no mates /no TV on in there. No homework - no tech. Backchat - off out for a ddog walk to calm down. More serious 'offences' include recent removal of all tech for 3 weeks. She admitted being too dependent on phone and sm.

Original poster

gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 13:54

The problem is, if I come back feistier, it doesn't work - especially if she has not calmed down. Sometimes, if I am firm when she is calm, it works better. But if I come over all 'I'm in charge', which is something we have done countless times, it is like red rag to a bull and she has always been like that. Therefore, we need to change tack but to what? We have been through CAMHS, CBT etc, and it did help a bit. Along with a diagnosis of OCD, she had a lot of underlying stresses and anxieties to do with school and they were reassuring of those and made her see things in a different way. But the calming techniques they tried to teach her such as taking a deep breath, counting to 10, she said to them herself they do not work. They did say she had traits of ADHD but not full blown enough for a diagnosis so, unfortunately, we haven't had support with that.

The problem is, I am not a person who relishes confrontation and neither is DH and so constantly battling is something that I find extremely stressful.

OP posts:

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/07/2020 13:57

The problem is, if I come back feistier, it doesn't work
You're backing down too quickly. It won't work immediately, there's a lot of work to be done to drag this back.

Original poster

gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 13:58

Oh, I have done a lot of work. She has been in and out of 'the system' since about 4

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Thisismytimetoshine · 02/07/2020 14:12

Oh.

Railingsohno · 02/07/2020 15:29

Wow no way would I put up with that. Cheeky madam! You’ve let her get away with it too long. There would have been huge consequences in my house if any of my teens had said that once! Actually one did once and apologised the same day, never done it since.

I think you need to sit her down and talk about respect. It’s disrespectful and it upsets you. Tell her and decide on some consequences and see it through. You sound scared of her! And for goodness sake don’t swear back at her!

gotothecooler · 02/07/2020 15:32

Well, at the moment, 95% of replies have been from 20 somethings who apparently wouldn't say boo to a goose or parents of children like that.

That's a wild assumption with a side of the attitude your DD seems to have picked up.

Anyone with experience with children with a feisty personality care to share tips??? Many thanks

A feisty personality? She is disrespecting you big time and you are enabling her.

gotothecooler · 02/07/2020 15:33

Oops I seem to have missed the huge drip feed

Inthebelljar · 02/07/2020 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 15:35

Got anything useful to add, gotothecaller? Any suggestions? What year were you born in?

OP posts:

Inthebelljar · 02/07/2020 15:35

Ah, same as @gotothecooler apparently

Railingsohno · 02/07/2020 15:35

Might have been helpful to have had all that info in the original post OP!

Original poster

gandalf456 · 02/07/2020 15:37

You missed the bit where I said I tried that. Got anything else I can try that actually works for my dd? Any experience with Camhs, anxiety, ocd? Any experience with early childhood problem s?

OP posts:

Railingsohno · 02/07/2020 15:38

@gandalf456

Well, at the moment, 95% of replies have been from 20 somethings who apparently wouldn't say boo to a goose or parents of children like that.

Anyone with experience with children with a feisty personality care to share tips??? Many thanks

That first paragraph is offensive and disrespectful. Not say “Boo to a goose” - oh you mean decent respectful 16 year olds who don’t tell their parents to fuck off?!

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