Teenager potty mouthed

[gandalf456]

My DD is 16 and has taken to swearing at us (i.e. telling us to fuck off) whenever we nag her to do something (e.g. turn the music down, keep quiet, your brother is sleeping or pick up your dirty socks) or when we disturb her in her room. This morning, I got it because she told me to wake her up at 9, which I did.

It has become a bit of a habit now and DH, in particular, feels very hurt by it, whereas my tactic has been to ignore it (or say it back if I'm in a particularly bad mood). But even I am finding it a bit much and it's time to try a different tactic.

I think it is partly a generational thing. She has no qualms about using the word, cunt, whereas people my age can't even say it out loud. To DD, it's just a word and, in her words 'not racist or anything', which shows she has some morals.

I definitely feel it is a respect thing. Even her friends pull her up on it sometimes.

@gandalf456 Sit down with her when she's calm and say you need to talk about something that's upsetting you. You don't like being sworn at, and it needs to stop. She doesn't swear at you, you don't swear at her. In terms of consequences for breaking the rules, you say she doesn't care about tech, WiFi etc, so find something she does care about and make that a consequence.

@gandalf456 also, ADHD and mental health issues don't generally make people into rude, entitled, disrespectful brats, so I'm not sure what any of that has to do with it. Ive got the latter and my sister has the former, neither of us ever swore at our mother.

I know you’ve said punishment doesn’t work but have you tried (kind of) natural consequences? So if she swears at you when you wake her up (as she asked you to), walk away and don’t react but don’t agree to do it again. Or if she won’t pick up her dirty laundry don’t wash her clothes anymore. If she

I’m 40 something and do swear but I don’t swear at people eg fuck off. I think that’s a respect thing not an age thing.

It sounds like you’ve had a rough time of it.

If she wants a civil relationship where you do the things she asks you to she needs to behave with civility to you.

Got anything useful to add, gotothecaller? Any suggestions?

Nah, I'm not adding anything to this crap.

What year were you born in?

Really? I mean, really?

And you wonder why your DD has an attitude problem

OP, have you considered PDA? There's a brilliant description on the autism society website. There is also a dedicated PDA site.

DD probably has it, we went through camhs in the UK and CMPP in France and they all had it down to us.

Basically, withholding things didn't work, neither did consequences, nor rewards - she got almost hysterical with anxiety if she didn't get the reward first

We had the local police and ambulance to the house more times than I could say.

Good luck, op

Jesus, op. The fact that you even think "not saying boo to a goose" is the converse of telling your parents to fuck off unchallenged says a lot about how you and your daughter got here.

There’s a fucking world of difference between using swear words within a sentence (see what I did there...) and swearing at people to be purposely disrespectful. The former is being a ‘potty mouth’ as you say - the second is really problematic behaviour. It’s not the same thing. The way your daughter is speaking to you is unacceptable and there needs to be consequences for that kind of behaviour. You must have been extremely lenient in all manner of situations for her to see this as acceptable.

Thanks for the support. Yes, when she is calm, she is really sweet. She is kind and generous to her friends and very loving - gives a lot of hugs and all that. She knows it's wrong.

Unfortunately, she lets it all hang out both positively and negatively.

I did try natural consequences the other day. She wouldn't listen and remove her headphones when I was trying to tell her something important. Unfortunately, it meant something I planned clashed with an outing with a friend so she couldn't go.

Ive seen pda. Yes, very helpful xx She was assessed for autism twice but came back negative

I think there is big difference between being sworn around and sworn at.

How about this for an option

Sit down with her and DH when everyone is getting along

Say that you want to draw a line in the sand for house rules for everyone over swearing

Say there is going to be a blanket policy about no swearing at all for any reason, and then when everyone has cleaned up their acts, you may loosen the rules to allowing swearing when you stub a toe, but it will never include swearing at a person

Because it might take a while to get in the swing of it, it will be a three strikes and then consequence and it will reset every day at midnight

Each of you volunteer a consequence for yourselves. You and DH need to suggest something that will actually annoy you, and then see what she volunteers for herself, allow her to raise the stakes, but this is where you show her that you are serious about this being a team effort

Stick a piece of paper on the fridge and have a column each.

If anyone swears, a line goes by their name. 3 lines and consequence happens

So when she swears, dont get agro, dont yell at her, just go and calmly put a line on the paper. And you HAVE to follow through on the consequence if she gets to three. Being calm in the moment is very important as this will stop escalation. Maybe sympathise with her that she felt so wound up that she swore

Try and accidentally swear a bit and get a consequence yourself so she doesnt feel in it alone.

After a week, have a check in and see if the system still feels fair to all and make changes if you agree on them

I've taught for a very long time and it is exceedingly rare for even teenagers whose behaviour is challenging to use "cunt" or to tell their teacher to fuck off (as opposed to using the f word but not aimed at anyone). I have also never sworn at a pupil despite swearing outside of work.
Which leads to me think that we can all for the most part control our language and only use certain words when we feel the consequences won't be too bad.

I like the idea of a swearboard i don't actually swear much but occasionally when angry. Same with dh.

As for not swearing at teachers, this is true though the relationship is a different dynamic. I

DS tried this on for size when he was 17, (the language not the unruliness) we used to just look at him and say where has your vocabulary disappeared to ?

I am commenting every time lately

I've had this. And yes I would never have dared talk like this and ds does it quite a lot. Successful responses have been fines, phone/screen detentions (in lockdown, so I stop him going online after school work for an extra 15 minutes). Even more successful has been treats (usually £) if you don't swear. Some kids respond to The Glare, mine doesn't. And it's worth remembering that attitudes to swearing are very class, age and region-specific, no point bashing OP for saying, or not saying, particular words. Is it possible, OP, that your teen is pushing the boundaries in a lockdown-related way? Because she has no school or other authority to fight with? And would benefit from simple consequences? it doesn't sound like she has masses of other issues, so maybe you can crunch this.

I do think lockdown is an issue, yes. She has found it highly frustrating plus she was geared up to do gcses and they were cancelled. She is due to start a new sixth form too so another big change there. We are talking through her worries and giving plenty of positive advice. I have given her a bit of slack

To the person who advised on the book, thank you. I read it years ago and found it to be helpful. I'll have another look..

I have a boy very similar to yours. I have tried everything. Consequences mean nothing. Challenge escalates. Nothing I do works. I’ve listened to him for nearly two hours shouting abuse at people he’s playing games with on PlayStation. If I text him to keep it down after 10pm he does, so he knows when he should be appropriate. I can only suggest that your girl will grow out of it and for your sanity pick your battles. Especially when all the normal stuff simply doesn’t work. I close my sons door over. I keep my mouth shut when he swears and calls me names. I’ve tried every consequence under the sun. They do not work. I’m told they will grow out of it. If they don’t, they’ll almost certainly become independent. Or we can run away. 😄. My point is, there’s light. It will get easier. I would have counselling for me if I could afford it. Good luck. It will be ok. I promise.

Thanks so much bulbousbob. I felt a bit teary and angry earlier and reading this thread in that frame of mind was not helping either. My confidence as a parent is shot as it is.

It means lot for someone to say I am not alone and it will be ok

You’re truly not alone. It will get better. It’s so hard to ignore rude behaviour. We think we should challenge it. But with our kids it’s not helping. For whatever reason they’re pushing boundaries to the max. I think if we continue to love them unconditionally they will come through it. I know if I don’t react so much he settles down. Every child is different. Some of us have very challenging teens. My friends teens are angels. Our kids will be ok. We love them. We will all come out the other side eventually. Sending you a big virtual hug.

Hi folks

Can we remind everyone that Mumsnet is about advice and support - and if there's one thing all parents need, is a little bit of understanding and support.

Please do bear this in mind before posting.

Peace and love.

gandalf, you're not alone and it will be ok.

I went through a foul mouthed stage towards my mother when I was 15/16. It didn't last.

It's not a generational thing, just poor parenting. And your swearing back is stupidly immature- wonder where her attitude is learnt from?

This is a difficult one. I was always allowed to swear but didn't often as actually got no attention for doing it. Hubby is exceptionally against it and detests it with a passion- DD rarely swears at me as she gets no attention but often does round her dad when asked to do some thing as she loves his reaction. I think you need to work out if it for a reaction. Taking privileges away from my DD doesn't work either it just escalates the situation- positive reinforcement and helping her sort through her issues works better. So if for example if I ask my DD to pick up her towels up after shower and she says "f off do it yourself" I will not do it for her but I won't ask her again. I will walk away and then 5 minutes later she will do it and say "mum I,ve picked up the towel" then I will go back to parenting techniques of positive reinforcement I used when she was a toddler and say "thank you so much, they won't smell now" then get talking to her about something that interests her, whereas if she her dad,asks her to do something she will swear at him and then they will shout and swear at each other for about 30 minutes until he loses his temper and tells her to not to speak to him for the rest of the evening but she has had her dads full attention for an hour which she never gets as he isn't a particularly interested in anything she does. So
swearing at him provokes a reaction!! As long as it isn't constant and done with pure malice I don't actually think it is a bad thing ignoring it.