Teenager potty mouthed

[gandalf456]

My DD is 16 and has taken to swearing at us (i.e. telling us to fuck off) whenever we nag her to do something (e.g. turn the music down, keep quiet, your brother is sleeping or pick up your dirty socks) or when we disturb her in her room. This morning, I got it because she told me to wake her up at 9, which I did.

It has become a bit of a habit now and DH, in particular, feels very hurt by it, whereas my tactic has been to ignore it (or say it back if I'm in a particularly bad mood). But even I am finding it a bit much and it's time to try a different tactic.

I think it is partly a generational thing. She has no qualms about using the word, cunt, whereas people my age can't even say it out loud. To DD, it's just a word and, in her words 'not racist or anything', which shows she has some morals.

I definitely feel it is a respect thing. Even her friends pull her up on it sometimes.

@cola2019, Blimey, can’t believe there’s no punishment for a “fuck off do it yourself“. Open mouthed here! Am I in an alternate reality?!

My DH is like yours @cola2019 . He rises to it. I let things slide sometimes because it'll only escalate. His method doesn't work and neither does mine but I figure at least Ive kept myself calm. A happy medium would be good

@jessstan2

gandalf, you're not alone and it will be ok.

I went through a foul mouthed stage towards my mother when I was 15/16. It didn't last.

Thanks

Well my godmother is 84 and uses the word 'cunt' all the time

What a charming lady she sounds. Classy as hell.

...and to be honest there's a difference between 'oh fuck off mum' and 'FUUUUCCCKKK OFFF'

She is very classy in fact.

Yes, I got that.

Oh dear one of those...
I bet you say 'the eff word' and 'the c word' and go around with a packet of tissues.

Have we met? 😂

probably. ..

Neither of us likes confrontation but to say we never do it is a stretch

The difference is I think dd does and sometimes seeks it out when stressed or frustrated

gandalf456

She sounds like my niece. They actually thought she might be bi polar when she was a child and has been through cams ect..

She would swear be physically violent but she could hold it together in school and I genuinely believe it was because there was solid structure there.

I do think there were some parenting issues regarding boundaries. Minor issues would be turned in to big issues and actual big issues would be swept away.

She is now 21 and it’s a very responsible young woman who lives by herself and is creating a great career for herself so it can turn out ok.

But swearing back at your daughter has to stop. I mean this in the nicest possible way but do look at your own behaviour when dealing with her.

Hi OP,

My son is just 8, but he has a diagnosis of PDA and I recognise some of the issues you are raising.

Definitely recommend the advice in The Explosive Child, and applying the principles of low demand parenting, if you think she may be highly anxious. If you can reduce the anxiety, she will be better able to respond well to you and DH.

'Mainstream' parenting just doesn't work for some kids. Parents who have children who respond as expected to punishment and reward will not understand this. This does not make you a bad parent. Parent the child you have, not the child other people have. You need to get a thick skin for all the raised eyebrows and muttering this may illicit from other people!

According to C AMHS, they hold it in at school and let it all out at home. They called it the coke can effect. There is only so long they can hold it all in.

Yes, I agree with what has been said about mainstream parenting. It works on my son but not my daughter. It's knowing what doesn't work but not knowing what does that is frustrating and so you seek help and get all the mainstream advice again

@gandalf456 just wanted to send a lot of love from a similarly struggling household!!
Different situations, but sending your way.

Thing I need to keep remembering at the moment is that these teens have also just been swirled up into a global pandemic and been forced to be with their families 24/7. Now there is anxiety about what school will look like, after months of (blissful for the socially anxious teen) isolation.

There is loads of space for compassion. Personally the only thing I’ve found that helps is having a conversation about it before the situation and agreeing the terms when all is calm. Eg my younger teen knows that if she uses the F word it’s 24hrs with no phone, no warning. We have that Qustodio app which really helps.

I’m struggling myself, at this point- and it can feel v lonely! We have one poss SN also :(

Lots of trial and error, recognition that what works one day will not necessarily work the next, and understanding that in a highly anxious state, absolutely nothing works until the anxiety is dealt with.

There is no 'quick fix' I've found, and as a parent it is exhausting to need to be so highly adaptive.

Have just read @wejammin’s post - totally agree. We have three kids - ‘mainstream’ parenting only works on 1 - the other two are wonderful tributaries of the mainstream, going a different route through life. (Which in calmer moments I love)

@HolaVida I love the description of 'tributaries of the mainstream' - my son has so many wonderful strengths, it's my job to nurture them and be aware of why society challenges him and his gifts, not to punish him for not 'fitting in'.

I suspect my 5 year old daughter will also reject mainstream ideas, but interestingly I can see in my toddler a real conformity to rules that I have never experienced before!

Sometimes teenagers with their parents use the "fuck off" when frustrated and angry (which can be quite a lot as teen)

What they are saying "Leave me alone"

the language is different but the meaning is the same.

it's best to wait until they are calm to bring up the fact that their use of language is a problem along with the attitude.

So if you went into her room to wake her as requested, and she shouted "Leave me alone" you have 2 choices walk away and let her feel the consequences of being left alone and not getting up as they wanted too. Then later point out in future it's on them to get themselves up, and how her attitude of shouting at you is aggressive and why it's not acceptable.

option 2 keep nagging even though they have requested space, and to be left alone. The situation is likely to escalate.

The "Fuck off" is the same. So when they are calm address the attitude plus the language.

it's a learning curve for them to control their emotions and language. Keep repeating the expectations of them and why. When you are all calm. Eventually they'll get it.

PP idea of a swear chart is good idea.
(although it could with some teens course more anxiety)

Thanks New Year