Help! I kicked my 17 dd to her dad's house after a bad row

[shawarmakarma]

Hi, I need advice please.
My 17 year old DD lives with me and her stepdad, and has done for 10 years. We have had her 90% of that time. No other young kids.
Her dad lives 10 km away. We co-parent very well, though he is pretty wimpy and has always sided with her, given in to her will and defied anything I ever tried to impose on her in terms of rules, when she was young and when we were still married.

She is a lovely girl in many ways, but I also find her very rude and selfish (only child). She is beautiful and smart and she will often send me texts to say how much she loves me (normally accompanied by a selfie, at a party).

But...she is entitled and selfish. She has a whole wing to herself in our house with two spare bedrooms for sleepovers with friend etc...
We bought her a car after she passed her license recently. Shared cost with her dad. It's a Peugeot 206 - nice car, I think. Butt her friends all have Audis and she thinks her car is a piece of shit. She goes to a private school and has had plenty of international holidays.

Her rudeness to me over the years has caused problems with her stepdad, my DH, who doesn't put up with it (and has two, very well adjusted 30 year old kids). He's military. I'd say he has been a bit cold towards her over the years because of her attitude. She spends weeks with us, then a week with her dad, then back to us.
She has told me umpteen times that she prefers staying with us because it's close to her friends and she saves on fuel living here. But that she prefers to stay with her dad.

Anyway, to make a long story short, she behaved incredibly selfishly the other day (as usual). I slept downstairs because I had insomnia that night. I also had a nosebleed in the night and I left a single piece of toilet paper on the floor in the corridor in her wing of the house. When I woke up in the morning, I didn't notice it and called out a cheery "good morning" to her. I then got a comment about the toilet paper. I said "oh, I had a nosebleed in the night, it must be from that". I was already irritated by her comment. She then yelled out "this is a shared space, you know", really bitchy and slammed the door in my face. I reacted badly and swore over and over under my breath "fucking bitch, fucking bitch". - Yes, I know this was wrong but I was at the end of my tether after weeks of rudeness.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I tried to talk to her about it that afternoon after school/ work and it descended into chaos. She heard my comments and wanted an apology, which I was unwilling to give. She screamed at me at the top of her voice that I should fuck off and get fucked and fuck off some more. My husband came in to try to calm her down and she screamed at him to fuck off too. Bad decision. Anyway, it got worse and worse. I told her then that I couldn't live like this any longer with her swearing at me and asked her to leave for a while to live with her dad.
She started crying/screaming, asking me if I was kicking her out. I replied that I felt guilty about it but that I definitely wanted her to leave and that she was only living with us because her friends live 5 minutes away. Then she called me a cunt. She called me a cunt of a mother. The worst fucking mother in the world.

And then she left. I texted her dad to tell him what had happened. He replied 'ok'. This was 5 days ago.

She came home a couple of times during the week to collect some things. My husband was working from home and had an unfortunate confrontation with her. He told her to text us when she comes over to get her stuff because living here is a privilege and that he would change the locks on her for her behaviour.

She has phoned me tonight, screaming at me that changing the locks on her is abuse and how can I be married to someone who would do that to her. I told her that I can't listen to her screaming at me and I hung up.

I still pay her allowance and her gym membership.

She will be 18 in 5 weeks.

She also screamed at me that she told everyone what we had done to her (kicking her out and changing the locks) and that everyone is on her side.

From my viewpoint, I wish my husband hadn't said that about the locks, but he was so fed up with her coming and going after she was so rude, and thinking that nobody was home so she could skulk in and get her stuff.

To be honest, I am bereft, sad, desperately grieving. I am also glad that all the drama is gone. But I can't enjoy that she's not here because I feel so guilty. When the drama kicked off in her room while we were arguing, why didn't I just walk away? I feel like I contributed to it. I feel so guilty.

Please, some advice. xx

She'll soon find out that it isn't a bed of roses at Daddy's house either.

Least said, soonest mended.

Please believe me , I know how you feel. She sounds incredibly privileged but terribly spoilt and entitled and that only comes from the parents.
Don't feel bad , she's got a safe place to go , she's got money. If she can't be civil to you maybe it's her dad's turn to put up with her for a while ?
I was a vile teenager and sadly didn't appreciate my mum till I was older.

I was sort of kicked out at 17 as well after a row.

Honestly, your daughter sounds like a brat who will not ever cope in the real world without somebody at her beck and call.

Does she have a part time job, or do you just pay for all these things, no questions asked?

If I were you, I would cancel the gym membership and allowance. I would send her a text explaining what you've done, saying she can get a part time job and pay for them herself. Ignore any abuse, delete the messages before reading if you can.

If her dad gives in and pays for them, well that's his problem. But at the moment your daughter sees you as $$$ and has no respect for you.

Tell her she's welcome back when she apologises.

She is spoilt. Your husband is doing what should have been done when she was three...drawn some boundaries. There is no way on gods earth I would tolerate my children speaking to me like that and sending her away is the best to do for her. She's free-wheeling and she needs someone parenting her. Thank goodness you'd husband has stepped up.

You reap what you sow. You've raised her to be spoilt... and now she's spoilt.
You stood there telling her that you wont listen to swearing... but you started the swearing.
You've stood by whilst she was told, at only 17 years old, that living in her own home is a privilege? Seriously? It's a privilege to have a home with her mum now?

You should be deeply ashamed.

She's turned out bad, and you wont be able to undo that when your response is to swear at her, throw her out, allow your husband to threaten changing the locks without then telling her that you wouldn't allow him to do that etc. You're not covering yourself in glory here.

Having a wing of the house is a privilege. Having her car is a privilege. The gym memberships, the treats etc. All of those are things you can and should remove for her behaviour.

But her home is not. Telling her that having a home with you is a privilege is disgusting.

Your both as bad as each other really

Shes incredibly spoilt. But also you ahould have apologised for calling her a fucking bitch, I can see where she gets it from

Hopefully some space will do you both good

If I told my parents the car they bought me was a piece of shit my father would have taken it off me and I’d been made get my own. She sounds very privileged indeed i can’t comment on how lucky she is because when my national insurance fell through the door I paid my own way and worked for everything as well as studying.

Just re read that she called you a cunt!!! Fuck that for a game of soldiers I’d cut her allowance, take her car as it’s a piece of shit anyway, cancel her gym membership and let Daddy sort it. I would not have that at all.

She sounds very spoilt and that’s why she’s behaving the way is, screaming and booting off like a toddler who can’t have an extra sweetie.

Also living with your parents is not a privelage, thats a really horrible thing to say to a child. Changing the locks is horrible.

You sound like very similar people.

Sounds like you gave too much, without teaching her how privileged she was. I understand you felt that it was your responsibility as parents to provide as much as you could, but maybe it was never removed if you felt she wasn't appreciative or taking everything for granted? I know families who are very well off and provide their kids with great life styles, but they all understand they are fortunate and it's due to their parents hard work.

@reinacorriendo I mean if your mum calls you a fucking bitch multiple times, clearly calling each other vile names is normal

She sounds like a right little madam - my mum would have slung me out much sooner.

I think her Stepdad being cold towards her for years might be the problem. It's probably a good thing she's gone to live with her dad.

The hormones in her brain are trying to make her become an adult and be independent of you. They do this by making her feel hatred , anger and embarrassment towards their parents. Like everything teens get it to different degrees.

Lockdown is not great in these situations as teens are being forced to be around parents when their hormones are screaming at them to do the opposite.

Read 'get out my life but first take me and Alex into town' it will help make sense of the awfulness of it.

I would write to her. A letter gives you time to digest , reread and is not confrontational. Tell her you love her. You miss her. That you understand that she is struggling with her feelings towards you. That you don't want to argue but everyone needs to respect each other. You felt really hurt that there was no concern about your nose bleed or the bad night you had. That you are sorry it ended up in a screaming match.

Only allow her home once youve read the book. I read it late in my D teens and wished I'd read it years earlier. It turned our house into a home. Don't get me wrong there were the nasty remarks but I dealt with them better so they didn't escalate and happened less.

Plus agree with her. Your D. 'I look shit in this dress'
You ' no you don't you look lovely'
D ' I look shit and you don't know what your talking about'.
You 'don't say that it's rude. You look lovely , it's a beautiful dress'
D 'shut up you don't know what you're talking about' so on so on and boom argument.

Don't fix stuff. Agree with her.
Say ' I know how you feel. Sometimes I put an outfit on and everything feels horrid on, it's an awful feeling'.
Normalise her feelings , make her feel you get her. She doesn't want you to fix stuff. Do this with what ever. Homework is so boring and hard. Etc etc.

Best advice I was ever given. It'll be ok.

I agree with other people that you and her sound very similar. You don't like her shouting and swearing yet you did that to her. Children are only a mirror image of ourselves. She is spoilt because you have spoilt her and don't blame her dad.

Sell the car.
Stop the gym membership
Stop the allowance

But don’t change the locks

She is a lovely girl in many ways, but I also find her very rude and selfish (only child).

She's rude and selfish because she's an only child? Get to fuck with that nonsense. I'm an only child, and the only reason your daughter is such a brat is because you've raised her to be one. You sound as out of control as she is, honestly. Your husband is right to be fed up with her and you.

I agree, sell the car, stop allowance and gym membership. But tell her she will always have a home with you. But I'd stick to one bedroom for her. She doesn't need 'a wing', a bedroom will suffice

[quote DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon]@reinacorriendo I mean if your mum calls you a fucking bitch multiple times, clearly calling each other vile names is normal[/quote]
Oh yeah the name calling on both sides @DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon is terrible but I particularly hate that word and I’d be absolutely shocked if my child said that to me. It’s a desperately sad situation I mean I argued with my mum growing up but wouldn’t have dreamed of calling her a cunt.

It was a petty row which you escalated by calling her a fucking bitch.

You absolutely should have been the adult and apologised for it.

For your husband to say that a minor living with a parent is a privilege is disgusting. For you to agree is a complete rejection of her.

You were both as bad as each other - but you escalated first - with the bitch comment and by not supporting her when your husband said that her relationship with a parent is privilege.
She's 17, you're an adult - what's your excuse. Where did she learn that behaviour - likely from you if you call your kid a bitch in an argument.

"She heard my comments and wanted an apology, which I was unwilling to give."

Do you mean that she heard you calling her a "fucking bitch", but you refused to apologise?

You're supposed to be the adult.

You verbally abused your daughter and refused to apologise.

And you're surprised that she verbally abused you back?!

Then you kicked her out. Nice.

You’re the mother, you have to be the bigger person and apologise. Sounds like you need family counselling tbh as you hardly seem innocent in this . You shouldn’t have given her so much in the first place?

You called your daughter a fucking bitch. You let her step father become the disciplinarian. You have fucked up - big time.

How is living in your mothers house a privilege? Just because she has a wing and two spare rooms doesn't make it a privilege - it's meant to be her home. Yes it's nice to have a fancy home but it's still just her home.

However, she does sound like a bit much, but what teenager isn't? I'm sure you'll work things out. You should've said sorry for calling her a bitch, I'm not surprised she called you a cunt, you've invited that language into your relationship.

Although it’s perhaps harsher than I have been, I do kind of agree with @BobbieDraper.