Hi, I need advice please.
My 17 year old DD lives with me and her stepdad, and has done for 10 years. We have had her 90% of that time. No other young kids.
Her dad lives 10 km away. We co-parent very well, though he is pretty wimpy and has always sided with her, given in to her will and defied anything I ever tried to impose on her in terms of rules, when she was young and when we were still married.
She is a lovely girl in many ways, but I also find her very rude and selfish (only child). She is beautiful and smart and she will often send me texts to say how much she loves me (normally accompanied by a selfie, at a party).
But...she is entitled and selfish. She has a whole wing to herself in our house with two spare bedrooms for sleepovers with friend etc...
We bought her a car after she passed her license recently. Shared cost with her dad. It's a Peugeot 206 - nice car, I think. Butt her friends all have Audis and she thinks her car is a piece of shit. She goes to a private school and has had plenty of international holidays.
Her rudeness to me over the years has caused problems with her stepdad, my DH, who doesn't put up with it (and has two, very well adjusted 30 year old kids). He's military. I'd say he has been a bit cold towards her over the years because of her attitude. She spends weeks with us, then a week with her dad, then back to us.
She has told me umpteen times that she prefers staying with us because it's close to her friends and she saves on fuel living here. But that she prefers to stay with her dad.
Anyway, to make a long story short, she behaved incredibly selfishly the other day (as usual). I slept downstairs because I had insomnia that night. I also had a nosebleed in the night and I left a single piece of toilet paper on the floor in the corridor in her wing of the house. When I woke up in the morning, I didn't notice it and called out a cheery "good morning" to her. I then got a comment about the toilet paper. I said "oh, I had a nosebleed in the night, it must be from that". I was already irritated by her comment. She then yelled out "this is a shared space, you know", really bitchy and slammed the door in my face. I reacted badly and swore over and over under my breath "fucking bitch, fucking bitch". - Yes, I know this was wrong but I was at the end of my tether after weeks of rudeness.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I tried to talk to her about it that afternoon after school/ work and it descended into chaos. She heard my comments and wanted an apology, which I was unwilling to give. She screamed at me at the top of her voice that I should fuck off and get fucked and fuck off some more. My husband came in to try to calm her down and she screamed at him to fuck off too. Bad decision. Anyway, it got worse and worse. I told her then that I couldn't live like this any longer with her swearing at me and asked her to leave for a while to live with her dad.
She started crying/screaming, asking me if I was kicking her out. I replied that I felt guilty about it but that I definitely wanted her to leave and that she was only living with us because her friends live 5 minutes away. Then she called me a cunt. She called me a cunt of a mother. The worst fucking mother in the world.
And then she left. I texted her dad to tell him what had happened. He replied 'ok'. This was 5 days ago.
She came home a couple of times during the week to collect some things. My husband was working from home and had an unfortunate confrontation with her. He told her to text us when she comes over to get her stuff because living here is a privilege and that he would change the locks on her for her behaviour.
She has phoned me tonight, screaming at me that changing the locks on her is abuse and how can I be married to someone who would do that to her. I told her that I can't listen to her screaming at me and I hung up.
I still pay her allowance and her gym membership.
She will be 18 in 5 weeks.
She also screamed at me that she told everyone what we had done to her (kicking her out and changing the locks) and that everyone is on her side.
From my viewpoint, I wish my husband hadn't said that about the locks, but he was so fed up with her coming and going after she was so rude, and thinking that nobody was home so she could skulk in and get her stuff.
To be honest, I am bereft, sad, desperately grieving. I am also glad that all the drama is gone. But I can't enjoy that she's not here because I feel so guilty. When the drama kicked off in her room while we were arguing, why didn't I just walk away? I feel like I contributed to it. I feel so guilty.
Please, some advice. xx