Daughter started periods and didn't tell me

[seren2020]

After a quick Google, I've come to realise that it's not so unusual for a child to hide her period, but I'm concerned about her reaction when I tried to talk to her about it.

I've just put a load of washing in, and in there was the underwear she had taken off with her clothes last night when changing into her pj's, she had dumped them on the floor in a pile so I picked them up and straight into the wash basket.

Anyway, there's blood, most I've noticed before was kind of, brownish/reddish discharge stuff (sorry if tmi!) this is the beginning of period proper.

I went to talk to her (she's 12 in Sept) and she hid her face, screamed at me and refused to even listen. Put a cushion over her face and her fingers in her ears and there she stayed until I left the room.

Weird thing is, she had announced a few months ago that her friends had started their period, so why she's like this now, I don't know.

I don't use pads so what do I do?

Drop some in her room and hope she uses them? I didn't expect her to not want to speak to me about it at all, and I'm rubbish at this sort of thing. Raised by a mum who told me nothing at all so I'm quite cack-handed at starting sensitive conversations.

I'm over 60 and can remember the excruciating embarrassment of starting my periods (and my mother was very open about talking about periods before) ... but it was just so embarrassing at the time. I don't think it's that unusual to not really want to have a heart to heart with your mother about periods.

It's her body not yours. It's her boundaries, she's not ready to talk about this if ever.

Purchase the items that she would have had from when the school nurse did a talk at her school and put them in a place she feels she can access privately.

Also get her her own washing basket for her room and a bin for the bathroom.

When she next has friends over, if one of the friends starts talking about it... she might start opening up.

What's with offering chocolate and heat pads?? I never did this for dd. I did supply sanitary towels and disposal bags and a lidded bathroom bin

My parents gave me a puberty book at 9 (mum was 9 when her period started) but I was 12 when it finally happened. I was looking forward to it but thought I was dying when it actually happened. Definitely leave stuff for her, I think she'll talk eventually.

demented pixie
I agree. I gave dd painkillers, a hot water bottle, stayed with her and stroked her back...

I didn’t tell my Mum for months, in the end she asked me. We just didn’t have that kind of relationship and I found it hard to broach the subject. Maybe put her a little basket together of nice stuff, bath stuff, chocolate etc and put some towels in. Tell her you’re there when she wants to talk. Hopefully she’ll come round soon.

@seren2020 If you suspect ASD there’s a book called the Autism Friendly Guide to Periods which is apparently pretty good.

The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1785923242/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_EPO2Eb26D2JZ1?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

My daughter is now 16 but when she started at the age of 12 she hid it from me, but i had got some pads and left them in her room a few months before and that is what i have continued to do since. I have always been open with her and didn't hide my tampons/pads away so i thought she would have been happy to be open with me.

This month she asked if i could buy some tampons as she wanted to give them a try and that has been the first time she has spoken about her periods to me.

My daughter has always liked the Lillets teen pads.

What's with offering chocolate and heat pads

Because it's nice? Acknowledges the cramps and husband has been known to throw chocolate from a safe distance. It cheers you up during what can be a shit day.

The Modibodi range look good. Tempted for me too. I’ve tried to keep it all factual and just matter of fact. I certainly haven’t offered chocolate it back rubs! I have said she might feel a bit achy or sore and have have medicine for that if she needs it.

I hid my 1st period from my mum too, it wasn't anything against her, just my own embarrassment.
Dd recently started & told me straight away but we had been prepared for a while. Like previous posters have said we have pads in the bathroom cupboard&in dds underwear drawer, also a bin in both rooms. Obviously may not be an issue at the moment but Dd was terrified of leaking at school so bought her some of the cycling style shorts to go under her skirt. She also has a small bag to carry them inside her school bag so they aren't on show & needed a bit of reassurance that all the other girls wouldn't be able to hear her changing pads in the toilets. Poor things, it's a lot for them to deal with

The key is constantly discussing it from a very very young age. My two year old sees me changing my Mooncup, pads etc. We discuss what it is and where it comes from and that it's not the same as when you cut yourself etc. My mum use to do this with me and my dad too! My mum was on holiday when I started my period and I called my dad to bring me new knickers and a pad.

It sounds like she is embarrassed and over whelmed. Yes, pads, books, bubble bath, new pants. I'd stick in a card -saying I'm here 24/7. But above all, talk to her and keep talking.
Pads -we never run out ever- they never ask for them. Ever. There are packets of pads in the bathroom and when they go I take out the boxes from storage pile and replace the storage pile. Period pants are fab.

In your case I go into her room, and say you want a cuddle and a chat if she wants, but if she does -just a cuddle. And just do that. If she says 'la la la' I can't hear you -say fine and just get into her bed and cuddle her. Don't say anything. Just say I'm here for you. I love you. and keep doing it everyday morning / evening -until she opens up. My eldest wanted a code word -which she has -Mum I need to talk to your about Spain -and that's code for I don't want to talk in front of others but I've got a body thing I want to talk about.

I was 13 when mine started...first thing on a Monday morning at school. I had no sanitary protection and no money to buy any. I spent the whole day having to stuff tissue in my knickers...leaked everywhere on the back of school dress (light blue, thanks a heap) and so many teachers must have seen...and did nothing to help me.

This was in the middle of the Australian summer...I wanted to use tampons but my stupid mother wouldn't let me as if I did it meant 'I wouldn't be a virgin anymore'. Stupid ignorant cow. I first used tampons when I was 17 and she wasn't happy about it then, either. I also wasn't allowed to leave anything in the bathroom as that meant that shock horror my two brothers/father might have realised! I also had to flush the pads, no way on earth would she have used a bin.

One of my daughters is very happy to discuss these things, and the other, she acts like I'm trying to yank out her fingernails. It's hard to discuss with a child who doesn't ask any questions and avoids other resources, with two of my kids I've just set times for it that involved the 'treat' of staying up late and acknowledged the awkwardness as we went through the needed information. Not fun for anyone, but it's important - there are a lot of resources out there on the topics we went through as well as ones I've left them to look at their own. My older DD particularly likes My Little Red Book (about first periods) and the Keeping and Caring of You series (though a bit American).

I keep a drawer of disposable pads and tampons near the toilet for guests or emergencies, it's easy to spot in a red drawer. I use cloth pads, and during the first period, let my daughters pick out a set they like from weepods. This was especially important for one of them who has really sensitive skin. I also let them pick out an opaque big pencil case to use as an "emergency kit" to go in the school locker with plenty of disposables, small pack of wet wipes, and a few other things. Probably not needed now, but it was something I was concerned about getting after leaking at school more than a few times as a teen.

I remember my mother dragging me to the shops suspiciously soon after a school scoliosis test, never felt that was worth it, so waited for my daughters to ask -- and they've both ended up on crop tops as they want the coverage when they change most. I also waited with shaving, only my older daughter has any interest right now on her lower legs, and not regularly. Both of my daughters (and their brothers) have required some assistance into getting new hygiene routines as the got older, as I did. I think it's normal for a lot of kids, but something I keep an eye on. Once in the routine, it was fine...unless we have a major disruption.

God, I remember the horror when I started. I was 13.

Had to get a pad from the school nurse (which was like a sheet!) and suffered through horrible pains for the rest of the day.

Got home feeling like shit, sheepishly mentioned to my mum that I had started and she went full on 'Oh my baby. You're a woman now!' I cringed myself inside out.
Never mentioned it to her again. She just bought pads/tampons, baby wipes, nappy sacks and painkillers (+chocolate) with every shop and left them on my bed.
I always had a good stash.

Somehow she just knew when I was on. She'd come in with hot water bottles, would rub my back and stroke my hair while watching films in bed with me. She just knew what I needed without it being cringe.

God bless my mum. I miss her dearly

For those who say they talked to their kids from early ages.
What's the best way to explain (age appropriately) and keep an open dialogue?

My DD is 4 (Nearly 5) and hasn't really asked much just yet. I'd like to keep her appropriately up to date though.

The woman who brought me up never mentioned periods, but give her due she got me some small pads when I started, I thought it was such a life changer 49 years ago but soon accepted it as normal.

Make sure you get all sorts, some people like pads with wings some like without, my eldest has pads and refuses (as is her right) to deal with tampons, my middle one only wears tampons because she is sporty. My little one is pre puberty but knows all the options and I just leave the pads and tampons on the stairs for whoever to take to their room and bags for them to put them in the bathroom bin. It's a weird time with hormones going mental and she could be in pain too. She will relax about it soon enough xx

We had a bit of a chat just now. I acknowledged the awkwardness, made her laugh a bit, although she did still look embarrassed as anything! And told her that some more bits are coming tomorrow - and yes, chocolate is one of the 'bits' this time, but its ferrero rocher as a treat as she loves them.

I did say I wont mention it again unless she comes to me, but she has to promise to make use of the things that I will be giving her and let me know if she eeds more, or paracetamol.

That will do for now, I think. She seems to be slightly opening up and less embarrassed, and I've got past the awkwardness of having to bring it up, too.

Thanks for a the advice :)

I got my dd a stack of period pants before she started her periods. I explained what they were for and she was fine. I noticed recently she had started using them and has started her periods, she didn't say anything, but she's got what she needs to manage it 🤷‍♀️

My DD knew all about periods but when she started she screamed "not me, no not me, please this can't me happening to me!" You'd have thought she was being sent to the gallows She was much younger than I was when I started but,I'm sure other girls at school must have already been period professionals.

I just bought lots of different products, including the liletts starter packs with the little books. I keep her drawer of products fully stocked with a wide variety at all times and she slowly seems to be getting a preference for types and brands. My own DM didn't provide me with any sanitary products and never talked about periods, so I've gone the other way. DD is a bit "Oh mum is going on about periods again!" I'm sure your DD will get to grips with things eventually and will one day be happy to chat about periods, just like anything else.

If she needs you, she’ll ask no matter how red embarrassed she gets. If she doesn’t ask you, she’ll ask her friends.

I think you did well to chat, then let her come to you if she needs you don’t make big thing about it.

3 girls wow! Hope there not on there period the same week lol

I had the most amazing mum but even I struggled telling her when I got my first period at 12. I felt like I had disappointed her by "growing up," which sounds bonkers looking back on it, but I felt like I needed to keep it secret to protect her. It's difficult to explain, but it had absolutely nothing to do with her parenting. I'd equally have been embarrassed whether or not she had been "cool" about the whole puberty thing.