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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Daughter started periods and didn't tell me

131 replies

seren2020 · 05/06/2020 16:27

After a quick Google, I've come to realise that it's not so unusual for a child to hide her period, but I'm concerned about her reaction when I tried to talk to her about it.

I've just put a load of washing in, and in there was the underwear she had taken off with her clothes last night when changing into her pj's, she had dumped them on the floor in a pile so I picked them up and straight into the wash basket.

Anyway, there's blood, most I've noticed before was kind of, brownish/reddish discharge stuff (sorry if tmi!) this is the beginning of period proper.

I went to talk to her (she's 12 in Sept) and she hid her face, screamed at me and refused to even listen. Put a cushion over her face and her fingers in her ears and there she stayed until I left the room.

Weird thing is, she had announced a few months ago that her friends had started their period, so why she's like this now, I don't know.

I don't use pads so what do I do?

Drop some in her room and hope she uses them? I didn't expect her to not want to speak to me about it at all, and I'm rubbish at this sort of thing. Raised by a mum who told me nothing at all so I'm quite cack-handed at starting sensitive conversations.

OP posts:
MrsWooster · 05/06/2020 17:22

Can you all stop with the chocolate??

titchy · 05/06/2020 17:22

Your post was unhelpful, unintelligent and unkind, however you sign it.

And illiterate Wink

Nihiloxica · 05/06/2020 17:22

Drop some in her room and hope she uses them?

Yes.

My DD had her first period recently and didn't tell her.

I got her all kitted out about 3 years ago and we used to talk about it openly and she was so excited to get boobs Grin

Obviously hormones and puberty changed things and in the event I had a similar reaction to yours when I noticed signs.

I just withdrew and said no more about it. A few weeks later I asked if she needed more pads and she said she had enough still.

I have just bought her more and will put them in her room without comment.

I have been able to ask her about whether illness she was feeling (sore tummy, headache) might have been period-related, so it's not a hidden topic any more.

I was super private with my Mum at that age. I don't think it means anything bad.

Just respect what she's telling you (while editing out the adolescent rudeness Smile) and support her quietly.

CakeWine

Cake for you both and wind for you and a hand squeeze from someone get recently where you are now. Smile

Nearlyalmost50 · 05/06/2020 17:23

I know someone else whose daughter did this, so it is not a vastly unusual reaction, but it is difficult because you can't give advice and support if they really refuse to engage. What about getting some period pants as well, so that if she doesn't work out the pads/want to to that for now, then there's an option? I would get the pants, the pads and talk 'at her' just to inform her of these products and then leave it for a bit.

Just because children talk about some things very openly and directly doesn't mean they are emotionally able to handle what can be quite a traumatic/difficult to process event (and others just breeze through like one of mine). Those implying they are the superior parent should do one!

nubbynubnub · 05/06/2020 17:25

Can you leave the necessaries and maybe a booklet in her room with a card that if she wants a different product or brand she can let you know by telling or texting or whatever and you will buy it without questions?

beelzeboob · 05/06/2020 17:26

Did she know what to expect when she started her period?

BarbedBloom · 05/06/2020 17:27

I am very very private and I didn't tell my mum either. I used pocket money to buy tampons. I am still very private though open with sex and periods with my friends. I just didn't want to talk to my mum about that stuff.

I would put a box of pads and some tampons in her room and tell her she could text me with any questions. It wouldn't have made any difference how my mum talked to me about it, I just wasn't comfortable

Mortgageandmoney · 05/06/2020 17:30

I was 15 (which was embarrassing enough) but even I struggled to tell my mum, not sure how I would have found it at 11. I think leaving some pads in her room, maybe with a note on how to use them will make things less awkward. I always found disposing of stuff in the bathroom bin very awkward, maybe get some of those little disposable bags so she can feel less self conscious about it.

maddiemookins16mum · 05/06/2020 17:33

Buy some stuff, put in a bag (with chocolate and a cuddly heat pad thing) and a short note offering support, comfort and reassure her you’ll respect her privacy.

Mortgageandmoney · 05/06/2020 17:33

I am a fully grown adult and close to my mum but definitely wouldn't talk to her about periods.

WwMILd · 05/06/2020 17:49

Probably would have been better to start talking when she had evidence of ‘brownish, reddish discharge’ as was obviously a sign things were starting. Maybe her recent reaction was to that, especially as she told you some of her friends had started. I think that was her opening up to you then.

Now she has started properly, you still need to have the chat. Ask what she would prefer. My DD actually wanted tampons as she found towels disgusting. Took her lots of try’s, but just explain that if she can still feel it they aren’t in far enough. Plus not leaving them in too long!

My mum never talked to me about periods, and was then most aggrieved when I went to my Nan first.

Don’t feel bad about anything, but start preparing for the sex talk next as you have time Smile

asmallplace · 05/06/2020 17:50

Oh man, I remember being like this. I started when I was really young. My mum bought me a book and gave it to me one evening when I was in bed. It was really good. It has sections for you to write in about how you feel. I then would give it to her to read so we didn't have to talk about it until I was ready to. Could you look at something like this? I also started straight on tampons. I really wanted to and bought them myself without telling my mum. She then found them and started buying them for me no questions asked.

WwMILd · 05/06/2020 17:52

Plus remember she is only 11, don’t know what DDs reaction would have been at that young an age.

Original poster
seren2020 · 05/06/2020 18:14

Thanks everyone, I'm glad I didn't see the 'insensitive, smug' reply Grin

To all those asking, when she just blurted out the whole period thing, we had a bit of a chat but as I say, I'm rubbish at all this stuff and she's getting on for needing a bra (or at least, should probably be wearing one to get used to the idea - I started developing at her age and unfortunately had a d cup by the age of about 14), but I can't get her to entertain the idea. She wears crop tops but if I broach anything more bra-looking (even crop type style things) she screeches at me to "stop it".

I do have an ASD child and one with ADHD and I do wonder if dd could have ASD too, mentioning that as I saw another poster had a dd who was possibly on the spectrum.

I honestly meant to get supplies, but I didn't start early enough and everytime I've been to the supermarket in this lock down things, there haven't been any teen pads or anything.

Lots of helpful advice on here though, I will try and find supplies ASAP!

Ps - thinking about it, she's reluctant to wear deodorant too, even though I've spoken to her about the need (as she does have slight BO at times). Same thing, screeching at me to shush, or screeching "I know!!!". So maybe it is the growing up thing she's not comfortable with.

OP posts:
notalwaysalondoner · 05/06/2020 18:16

I remember being pretty embarrassed. I’d also get her some tampons as I actually used them from my second month and never looked back - doesn’t matter if they just sit in her cupboard for now.

I kind of agree with @MrsWooster about not encouraging her to associate periods with comfort eating: my sister really binges around hers and hates herself for it so maybe this month it would be empathetic but don’t buy it every month...

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/06/2020 18:18

Have you discussed periods with your kids as young kids? Mine are under 9 (boy and girl) and both are aware of what periods are, why we have them, how I manage them etc. They also have books about the body etc in their rooms to read at their leisure.

I think, for now, all you can do is kit her out with what she needs (could you do her a washbag full of nice shower gels, deodorants etc plus sanitary products?). She doesn't need teen pads. Just any pads.

I think I'm probably going to go far enough here and say that you've been lax in not preparing her for this.

Buy a soft tape measure and leave a little set of instructions on how to measure herself for a bra. She can then give you the size to order some stuff.

dementedpixie · 05/06/2020 18:20

Lillets does a teen starter pack, you could probably get it online. Dd found the lillets stuff too short and prefers bodyform

Widowodiw · 05/06/2020 18:20

I’m not sure why you haven’t given her pads before ? She’s nearly 12 fgs. My daughters 8, had the period talk this week and I will soon get her supplies which will be put in bathroom. Then when she starts, if she doesn’t tell me i
Can just notice they have been used and replace them.

dementedpixie · 05/06/2020 18:21

And be aware that lots of Always pads are scented (horribly)

inmyshedsmoking2000 · 05/06/2020 18:24

Why haven't half of you nitwits actually talked to your daughters about this as they're growing up? What the hell...

Littlepoppet1 · 05/06/2020 18:25

What’s the difference between teen pads and normal ones? Just get regular ones! You can’t leave her on her period with no sanitary protection!!

CupoTeap · 05/06/2020 18:28

I didn't tell my mum when I started at the weekend and used tissue, when it was still there the next day I had no choice as I had nothing to use.

My dd doesnt want to entertain bras either. I have left some stuff for her in her room for when she starts but I fully expect her not to tell me unless she really has to.

Texting is a great idea.

IKEA888 · 05/06/2020 18:29

my daughter now 16 did this with her first period age 13 .
I was devastated that she didn't feel.she could tell me.
I now realise it was her thing .
I'm no longer upset

Branleuse · 05/06/2020 18:29

Teen pads are just a bit narrower i think.

dementedpixie · 05/06/2020 18:30

Teen ones are shorter and narrower I think. Dont leave her with nothing, buy normal ones. Remind her to bin, not flush. Maybe provide nappy bags to put used towels in before binning