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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Please please help me to help my DD, I’m desperate.

81 replies

sweetkitty · 30/01/2020 00:07

I’ll try and keep it short, DD2 just turned 14. Tonight it all came to a head and DH had to come between us as she pushed me and was going to hit me.

Over the past maybe 6 months she has been getting increasingly horrid to me. Things like “oh wait until your driving” “yes then I’ll drive away from you” x20 per day. No thanks ever the usual.

She is generally an anti-social nasty person and I think it is stemming from her toxic friendship group. They talk to each other like dirt so then she comes home and talks to her family like dirt. I seem to be the main target but she can be horrid to DH and her siblings. She has one best friend for age 2 but I don’t think she’s a good friend for her, it’s not a typical girlie friendship. The two of them have always been tomboys which is fine but the way they talk to each other is shocking. I suspect DD2 is being bullied in that she is the butt of the nastiness and teasing but won’t leave her best friend as she will be alone.

I’ve tried talking to her but get nowhere. She doesn’t go out with friends, she comes home and would sit in her room on her iPad day and night. Very rarely talks to friends on it either. Getting her to shower is a fight in itself. She says she hates people and is anti-social.

After speaking to DD1 (not at the same school) I think she cannot handle the love and kindness her family show (me especially) as she is getting treated so badly by her friends. She will tell me snippets of being teased for being specky and ginger or weird.

I cannot get her to talk about it and now even if I say hello how are you I’ll get some nasty comment in return. Tonight I had had enough and did shout at her which was when she started swearing at me and pushed me.

I don’t know where to start trying to help her, have spent the night sobbing.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2020 00:09

What are the consequences for her horrible behaviour? Has there ever been any?

Thestrangestthing · 30/01/2020 00:13

Do you ever let her see that you are upset? I think I would love bomb her. No matter what she does keep showing her live, give her a cuddle when she doesn't expect it, tell her you love her.
Either she's going through some pretty shitty stuff or she's trying out the sulky horrible teenager act. I would go with the first one, if her friendship group is that bad.

Smellbellina · 30/01/2020 00:15

I don’t think ‘I’ll drive away from you’ is any worse then ‘wait until you’re driving’, either way it’s a dig.
Sometimes people don’t want to talk things through and be given lots of advice, they just want a hug and a bit of reassurance.

OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 30/01/2020 00:15

It’s hell being a teenager.

She’s probably got wonky hormones and a bunch of other awful stuff happening to her.

Is there anything nice you can do together?

I think it is fairly common for teenagers to be arseholes and hate their parents for a while, unfortunately.

LuluBellaBlue · 30/01/2020 00:20

I agree with love bombing her! She’s probs Lu an awful mix of emotions right now and you’re the safest person to take it out on as she’s in so much emotional pain ☹️

leccybill · 30/01/2020 00:21

I teach teens and on the whole, they are all grumpy, self-centred and pretty lazy, even the 'nice' ones! You just have to ride it out i think.
I know my nieces who are 12 and 14 have a once a week 'no devices' evening where they go out for dinner, or watch a film together or play a game. Could this work in your family?

theoriginalmadambee · 30/01/2020 00:27

I think you could do with reading this mn thread 'is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh', sorry can't link.

The thread continues to part two and three, I think.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 30/01/2020 00:32

Thank you
Firstly I do love bomb her a lot, I will go into her room sit on her bed for a chat to be told to go away, try to hug her you get a get off I hate being touched. It was her birthday last weekend and we went all out making it special for her.

Her nasty behaviour does get punished usually it’s the iPad off her for a night, I actually like this as she’s been known to venture into the living room and socialise.

The driving thing wasn’t a dig from me, it was more like once you can drive you can get a horse and go see it yourself (she loves horses” trying to be positive to be met with that response.

We went out for a family meal tonight, no phones allowed. She was nasty to her siblings and DD1 and I were talking and she jumped into the conversation to get a “dog” at me again.

We also try and have a no tech night at least once a week. She will just sulk in her room reading books or drawing.

OP posts:
Pieceofpurplesky · 30/01/2020 00:34

Ther are a couple of things in your post that would concern me that there is a bigger picture with your DD.
The name calling
Just being on an iPad and not talking to anyone
Not showering

Do you think she has really low self esteem? Maybe she is pushing everyone away? How is her behaviour at school?

Original poster
sweetkitty · 30/01/2020 00:44

@Pieceofpurplesky yes that’s what I’m thinking there’s something else going on.

School wise she is doing well, she’s always been very clever, great reports too set for everything, a very talented artist. Says she hates school though Sad I’m at my wits end I don’t know what to do.

She won’t open up won’t tell me what’s going on.

OP posts:
OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 30/01/2020 00:47

May I ask how your marriage is going?

Pieceofpurplesky · 30/01/2020 00:48

Is there another adult she is close to that she might open up to? Have you been in to school and spoken to her tutor or pastoral lead? They may be able to help

Oulu · 30/01/2020 00:52

Have you talked to her teachers about this? Is it worth looking into moving her to another school?

Original poster
sweetkitty · 30/01/2020 00:53

Marriage is fine ups and downs, we bumble along. DC all know we love each other though. We are a close family of 6, we have very little actual family and have had no family support. Not really any other adults she could talk to, like I said she hates peopke and would probably rather die than talk to someone.

DD1 says this is part of the problem she doesn’t have a nice supportive friend. DD2 has said in the past that when her friends are teasing her if she answers back they will say “oh she’s in a mood” so she says she just ignores them and puts her music on. It’s heartbreaking.

OP posts:
namechange1041 · 30/01/2020 00:53

I think the friends our DCs have, have a massive impact on how they behave.
I agree with you, I think the friends have maybe had a bad influence on her.

I do also think there is something else is going on to make her act in this way though.

Have you always been open with each other before now? Are you a 'strict' parent?

I ask that because she may feel as if she can't talk to you about certain things in case of how you would react.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 30/01/2020 00:56

No haven’t spoken to the school. I actually asked her tonight would she ever consider moving to DD1s school she said no chance she hated loads of people there. For info DD1s school was the feeder school, DD2 chose to go to another school with her BF (they were the only two of the class which went) she has made other friends but none as close as her BF. Her BF is under CAHMs for anxiety, panic attacks and self harm.

OP posts:
namechange1041 · 30/01/2020 00:58

Also....Now bear with me as I know this is a long shot.

But if you could get her into some sort of hobby or similar so she has a chance to meet new friends, that could be really beneficial.

That may only happen in you're dreams though OPGrin

Original poster
sweetkitty · 30/01/2020 00:58

@namechange1041 I would say we are middle of the road strict. We have boundaries (like no tech after 10.30pm) which is totally unfair according to the teens (school nights only) but not as strict as some friends. I think we are an open family in general.

OP posts:
namechange1041 · 30/01/2020 00:59

Oops sorry, *your!

Original poster
sweetkitty · 30/01/2020 00:59

@namechange1041 funny you should say that we kind of have, She and DD3 took up horse riding last year which she loves. It’s the only thing she does “outside”

OP posts:
K1999 · 30/01/2020 01:01

Take her iPad away. Tell her you love her and are always here for her no matter what it's about. Remind her you understand how difficult being a teenage girl can be sometimes. Let her know she's fighting someone who loves her dearly and only wants the best from her. But let her know you will not put up with this. Every time she's rude/nasty ect, there should be a consequence. Always let her know why and don't call it 'punishment', tell her it's a consequence for her actions. It will take time but if you stick to it it will get better. Plus this is a very difficult age regardless. God bless

namechange1041 · 30/01/2020 01:05

That's brill, really good that she's carried on going.
Does she have any friends there? If so could she socialise with them a bit more outside of school etc?

I suppose that wouldn't really help with the friend group in school but she may start to see the light a bit & realise that her school friends actually aren't very nice.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 30/01/2020 01:07

iPad most definitely gone I told her that if you pushed someone in the street that would be assault. If DH hadn’t of been there she would have knocked me over. DH went and spoke to her I was too upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetkitty · 30/01/2020 01:10

They have a few friends but not really that close yet. I’m saving up to send them both for a week at Easter. We paid for private lessons last weekend for her birthday. She really did get spoiled as I feel sorry for her having a January birthday as the little family and friends we do have tend to forget. Everyone else has Summer birthdays.

We are going to Orlando this year costing a fortune but we want to treat them before they get too old. She’s said she doesn’t want to go and it will be rubbish

OP posts:
TheSandman · 30/01/2020 01:12

OP, I've PM'd you.