Please please help me to help my DD, I’m desperate.

[sweetkitty]

I’ll try and keep it short, DD2 just turned 14. Tonight it all came to a head and DH had to come between us as she pushed me and was going to hit me.

Over the past maybe 6 months she has been getting increasingly horrid to me. Things like “oh wait until your driving” “yes then I’ll drive away from you” x20 per day. No thanks ever the usual.

She is generally an anti-social nasty person and I think it is stemming from her toxic friendship group. They talk to each other like dirt so then she comes home and talks to her family like dirt. I seem to be the main target but she can be horrid to DH and her siblings. She has one best friend for age 2 but I don’t think she’s a good friend for her, it’s not a typical girlie friendship. The two of them have always been tomboys which is fine but the way they talk to each other is shocking. I suspect DD2 is being bullied in that she is the butt of the nastiness and teasing but won’t leave her best friend as she will be alone.

I’ve tried talking to her but get nowhere. She doesn’t go out with friends, she comes home and would sit in her room on her iPad day and night. Very rarely talks to friends on it either. Getting her to shower is a fight in itself. She says she hates people and is anti-social.

After speaking to DD1 (not at the same school) I think she cannot handle the love and kindness her family show (me especially) as she is getting treated so badly by her friends. She will tell me snippets of being teased for being specky and ginger or weird.

I cannot get her to talk about it and now even if I say hello how are you I’ll get some nasty comment in return. Tonight I had had enough and did shout at her which was when she started swearing at me and pushed me.

I don’t know where to start trying to help her, have spent the night sobbing.

Something else that may seem strange but worked in my house growing up
When my brother started acting out (punching TVs breaking things etc) my mom redid his bedroom
It gave him something he was looking forward to (he really wanted to do it but didn't think it would happen) and something to shift his focus on. He became so fixed on cleaning up his room and getting it ready to paint and redecorate and his behavior shifted.

It’s sounds like you are doing everything right and just have to ‘ride through it’. I hated being a teenager, didn’t want to spend time with my family, preferred to lock myself in my room and read. My Mum irritated me as did my siblings. I did well at school, enjoyed being with my friends and didnt get in to any trouble but I was mean to my Mum when she showed affection (I just didn’t want it). I also begrudged going on holiday with them, didn’t matter where it was I just didn’t want to be there.
All turned out fine in the end. I have a great relationship with my Mum and my siblings but this didn’t get better until I left home to go to uni.
Your daughter is lucky. My 15 year old has to be in bed at 9pm (with the option to read a book) and no electronics from 8.15pm. Weekends I let him on iPad etc until 10pm at the latest. I’m sure she will already realise this (my son mentioned only yesterday that most people start leaving games at about 9pm even on weekends). Maybe she is pushing boundaries, but you sound fair and she sounds similar to me as a teenager. Although I didn’t ever push/bit my Mum as the consequences wouldn’t have been worth it, I’d have been grounded for a month).
Just keep being there for her and she will come out the other side of the hormones at some point x

How's it been the last few days @sweetkitty?

Sorry I just picked up on this. I’ve scan read quickly but am I right that you are a family of 6 and you work and she is 14 and you don’t get much support? Hard for you all. There is a book called blame my brain on Amazon all about teenage brains and what happens to them at this age. Maybe you could read it together ? Try and make one to one special time with her ? Tell her when she is in a less reactive mood that you thought it may be nice if you did something together just the two of you ? Let her chose what it is. While you are together maybe mention how hard it is to split your time with everyone but thought it may be a nice thing for you both to make that time every couple of weeks? Her anger and frustration is a way of communicating something to you of how frustrated she feels? Giving her “special” time and space and talking about how it feels to be a teenage girl in the 2020s? Tell her how being the same age was for you? Share experiences and how differently you deal with them. I use the analogy that your relationship is like a house...sometimes the foundations need underpinning, especially when one person(as she is in teenage transition) is in the process of change. It can be very scary for teenagers these days with all they have to worry about in the world. Help her to feel safe and she may start opening up to u? X

Why does Dd2 have to wait until DD3 is 12 before she can volunteer at the stables?

Think of the stables as therapy. Would she have to wait for her sister to be older before she got therapy?

I know teenagers aren't easy, but exposure to horses helps massively.

The way teenagers interact with each other can be chocking to adults, and they do that on purpose to wind up the oldies. It is best ignored, but you have to be firm that you're not one of their mates and disrespect won't be tolerated.