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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

77 replies

Loopymum19 · 17/12/2019 14:17

Hi, its my first time on here but i hope someone can help. My 18 year old Dd is insisting she's going out for new year into a city centre with her 23 year old boyfriend, his mates and their girlfriends. His friends are all aged 23-26 And she's never met any of them or their girlfriends before. She has never been out drinking before or even into a busy pub. Dd maybe 18 but she's very petite for her age. I know I can't control her but city centres are busy enough at weekends let alone new years eve. I've never even spoke to her boyfriend as she will never invite him round. It's 8 days to Christmas and all the arguing is tearing our family apart cos I really don't want her to go. Am I in the wrong? I'm Sick with worry. 😢 I have tried to explain my reasons but nothing I say helps.

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 17/12/2019 14:19

you are in the wrong. she is 18

SpoonBlender · 17/12/2019 14:20

You're in the wrong. Let go those apron strings.

dorisdoughnut · 17/12/2019 14:20

She’s an adult- her choice. At least she’s told you where she’s going

Mrskeats · 17/12/2019 14:21

Seriously?

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2019 14:21

Yes you're in the wrong. She's 18 and an adult, she can go out for New Year's Eve.

15 you'd have a point, but not at 18. Tell her to have fun.

tinkering · 17/12/2019 14:22

You sound like my mother. Her worries over things like this has ruined me - I am anxious, I don’t have a social life, and she still doesn’t ‘let me go anywhere’ so I am resentful. Let her go or risk ruining your relationship

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2019 14:22

Sorry, should have added, you need to apologise to her.

BrokenWing · 17/12/2019 14:23

Can understand feeling worried. But yes you are wrong. 18 = adult. You've had the last 18 years to loosen this strings, time to let go and let her make her own decisions.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 17/12/2019 14:25

She is 18. You need to trust her

RhubarbandGin · 17/12/2019 14:26

Well she is 18 so it is really up to her, but could you try and compromise? Book a taxi in advance so you know she will be coming home at a certain time? If she is out with her boyfriend and his friends then surely they will be able to keep an eye on her and make sure she is safe.

moonsandstars · 17/12/2019 14:26

She's 18 so I really can't see why not, it's what most 18 year olds do. I was out every Friday and Saturday clubbing at that age and my parents never once told me they weren't happy about it. I think they liked their evenings to themselves are we're glad I was out having a good time and socialising. Let her enjoy being young and care free.

AnyFucker · 17/12/2019 14:27

Yep

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2019 14:27

You are absolutely crippling her and suffocating her development. I think there's a very good reason or reasons she hasn't brought her boyfriend around. You sound very very controlling.

BarbedBloom · 17/12/2019 14:27

She's 18. Time to step back a bit.

BalsamicVin · 17/12/2019 14:28

You are MASSIVELY in the wrong !

She's 18! Stop trying to control her

Winterdaysarehere · 17/12/2019 14:28

At 18 I had a house and a dc...
Yabvu...
And will likely drive her away...

SophiaLarsen · 17/12/2019 14:29

What 'reasons' have you given her?

The actual reason is your own fear and anxiety.

Tell her your actual reason then tell her you know you are being irrational and perhaps she'll give a nod to your anxiety and promise to text you halfway through the evening. But if she doesn't DO NOT CALL THE POLICE 😂

TheReluctantCountess · 17/12/2019 14:29

She’s 18. Let her go.

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2019 14:30

And for goodness sake don't book a taxi for her to come home. That's so controlling.

I don't understand why she's never been to a pub etc at 18. Has she been brought up in an overly controlled environment?

ChristmasCroissant · 17/12/2019 14:30

You are in the wrong.

What do you mean about the arguing tearing your family apart? Do you mean that you keep raising the subject because she won't do what you want her to - at age 18?! Drop it OP. You are being controlling.

kristallen · 17/12/2019 14:31

She's 18. The only thing you can achieve with this is making sure she leaves as fast as possible and moves far away. Apologise, tell her your sorry, you love her, want her to be safe but forgot she's already an adult and you'll always be there for her if she needs you.

Then back away and stay there.

eenymeenyminyme · 17/12/2019 14:32

You're NBU to advise her, and she's NBU to ignore your advice, she's 18.

Autumn2019 · 17/12/2019 14:32

I can see why you are worried for her OP. In this day and age i would be worried too. Yes she's 18 but if she lives with you -then it's your house, your rules. That said, it sounds a bit unreasonable for you to not let her go out with her bf on NYE at all . Why not invite her bf over for Christmas or boxing day or any day for that matter before NYE so you get to meet him, and also give her a curfew to be home by? She has to be able to compromise if she is living under your roof.

formerbabe · 17/12/2019 14:33

You are being ridiculous...sorry

GetOffTheTableMabel · 17/12/2019 14:33

What exactly are you worried about?
This is a genuine question, not a goady one. Are you worried she’ll get drunk? Separated from her friends? In a fight? What is it exactly that bothers you? It doesn’t sound as though you have a particular concern more that you have generalised anxiety about your daughter going out?
Is she still at school? She’s probably safer with a group of young adults than with a bunch of sixth formers. Either way you have to start to let go. This is your opponent to support her as she learns how to spend her time as an adult. You wouldn’t want her to go off to university or leave home having been thoroughly sheltered throughout her teens, would you?
I worried a great deal about my daughter being out while in sixth form but I took responsibility for that and didn’t put my worries onto her. I did cope by never drinking myself while she was out so that I could always follow through on my promise to go and get her if she ever needed me. (There were two occasions when she drank too much and I needed to do that.) You need to think about what would help you to feel better and what YOU can do about it., not your daughter. This is your problem to solve.