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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

77 replies

Loopymum19 · 17/12/2019 14:17

Hi, its my first time on here but i hope someone can help. My 18 year old Dd is insisting she's going out for new year into a city centre with her 23 year old boyfriend, his mates and their girlfriends. His friends are all aged 23-26 And she's never met any of them or their girlfriends before. She has never been out drinking before or even into a busy pub. Dd maybe 18 but she's very petite for her age. I know I can't control her but city centres are busy enough at weekends let alone new years eve. I've never even spoke to her boyfriend as she will never invite him round. It's 8 days to Christmas and all the arguing is tearing our family apart cos I really don't want her to go. Am I in the wrong? I'm Sick with worry. 😢 I have tried to explain my reasons but nothing I say helps.

OP posts:
KrampusTime · 17/12/2019 17:28

Of course you're being unreasonable.

She's 18, legally an adult. She's old enough to drive, get married, leave home, drink.

Your anxieties are not relevant. It's her life. Stop trying to control her.

BalsamicVin · 17/12/2019 18:28

Bloody hell reading a couple of these comments, you shouldn't be suggesting anything! Shes an adult and you're only making it worse.
I'm not buying it if she's still arguing, so I'm not believing you've dropped it

pointythings · 17/12/2019 18:53

You haven't done her any favours by sheltering her so much. Now she's kicking back - you're going to have to live with it. Stop suggesting alternatives and let her get on with it.

You are entitled to your feelings - all parents of children who are growing up are - but it is up to you to deal with them, not up to her to pander to them.

Goldwispa · 17/12/2019 19:01

I know it can be worrying when your child goes out drinking but she is eighteen and an adult. Don't show her your anxious, the anxiety is your problem and you need to find a way of coping with it.

Hillaria · 17/12/2019 19:18

Does she know her way around the city centre? Know where the bar is? Know where/how to safely get a cab eg minicab office or have a number saved to call? Does she trust that if there's a problem she can call you and you'll help rather than overreact?

My 15 yo (my youngest) knows all of this. Confused

Palavah · 17/12/2019 19:22

@Hillaria exactly...

cptartapp · 17/12/2019 19:25

And this is what happens when things like alcohol are out of bounds until they're 18. She's had no experience of trying and managing it in a safer controlled environment like home.
What does her dad say? Or is it just you and her?!

LuluBellaBlue · 17/12/2019 19:28

Yabvu

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 17/12/2019 20:30

My advice is that your DD should do what I did at her age - go and rent a room in the city, go out to work and share a flat with another girl or two. Then she will have fun and you wont have to worry. And she will very soon learn to get along fine and you will feel a lot better.

For what it's worth I am also petite. But I'm not stupid or babyish. If your DD is out with her boyfriend and group of friends then they will look after each other, if anything she is better off with a bunch of 20+ year olds than with a whole gaggle of 18 year olds all out for the first time.

countdowntochristmas · 17/12/2019 20:40

Yabvu
I mean this in the nicest possible way but let you children make their own way and mistakes in life and do not do it for them . Do you not remember being 18 , how would you feel ?
My dd went away to uni at 18 she was very shy didn't drink but was adamant she wanted to do it . Her dad was reluctant and said she wouldn't like it .she did enjoy it most of the time but after a few months was home sick so for 2nd year she moved to a uni close to home .her dad was a bit like I told you so but at least she tried it and that's what she wanted to do even if it didn't work out. That's what I'm trying to say let her decide what to do not you .
You are going to have a very difficult relationship with her and she won't thank you for it . Think on .

SophiaLarsen · 17/12/2019 20:47

I love the fact the OP has asked if she's in the wrong and when people say yes she gets all annoyed 😂

Hillaria · 17/12/2019 20:57

OP, I just wanted to add that I was absolutely not a 'going out' kind of teenager. I just sat at home and read books, then went to university and read more books. I had lots of friends, but just wasn't interested in 'going out'.

My teenagers are, however, very much the 'going out' types. I imagined I would have similarly homebody/bookish types, but that isn't the way it has turned out. So I have been on a bit of learning curve with this - but have kind of let myself be guided by them, and by trying to balance what I want (namely for them to be safely inside, reading) and what they want (namely to be out on the town). It's kind of like holding your nose and jumping in the deep end, and trusting that you won't drown. So I do sympathise, but still think you need to take a deep breath and not get involved.

SonEtLumiere · 17/12/2019 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2019 21:25

I love the fact the OP has asked if she's in the wrong and when people say yes she gets all annoyed

Actually it's not very pleasant. She's come back and said she's not arguing it's her daughter that is . And that she's just innocent and just suggesting other places. It's clearly untrue. But to lay all the blame on your daughter for your issues because you don't like the responses is fairly shitty stuff.

Bluerussian · 17/12/2019 21:28

You're not unreasonable to be concerned op but your daughter is an adult and has to find her own way. She'll have her boyfriend with her to take care of her - but you don't know him.

I really don't understand why she doesn't want you to meet her boyfriend, after all it doesn't have to be a big event, just casual a couple of times; surprising he doesn't wonder the same.

VioletCharlotte · 17/12/2019 21:54

I know it's hard, but in the nicest you really need to back off a bit and let her grow up. My DS is 18, him and his mates will be going to another city NYE to go clubbing. The club closes at 6am. I went to London clubbing on NYE when I was 18.

I do get your concerns about the older bf, but in all honesty shes probably safer with twenty somethings than she would be with a crowd of 18/19 year olds. Try and stop the arguments and see if you can build a relationship with her and her to know the bf.

saraclara · 17/12/2019 22:05

She's 18. She's an adult. She could have been married for two years.
You are being incredibly controlling, and it's that that's tearing the family apart, not her wanting to do something entirely reasonable.

Apologise. Let her know that you have faith in her, and that you just let your over developed maternal instinct get the better of you.
If you carry on your present path, you will lose her.

lifeisgoodagain · 17/12/2019 22:11

She's 18, I strongly suspect she has more experience than you realise! My 18 year old copes fine are university, they are adults!

TrainspottingWelsh · 17/12/2019 22:30

Yabvu.

Your anxiety is your problem, not hers. It may not be intentional, but imo it's emotional blackmail to be so ott controlling, and then tell her it's only because you love and care for her in the hope she'll back down.

Dsd was late summer born and turned 18 just before going to university. So last year of school she was doing everything her peers were, despite being almost a year younger. Then from a rural home and private school she suddenly had to adapt to student life in a big city. She's absolutely fine and loving life, because we've equipped her to, not because we treated her like a preteen.

fedup21 · 17/12/2019 22:38

The arguing is dd not me

It takes two to argue. Presumably she is not happy because you want her to go to a different venue on NYE and she wants to go out with her boyfriend and his mates to this one.

Why doesn’t she want to bring him home to meet you? That might be the crux of the problem?

Be very careful, OP. She is an adult now; if you pull too hard, you’ll lose her.

saraclara · 17/12/2019 22:44

I can imagine that she might not want her boyfriend to visit because he would witness her being treated like a child by you.

If he's 23, she's going to want, at the very least, to appear her age. Not to appear childlike because of the way you treat her.

Original poster
Loopymum19 · 18/12/2019 09:20

Thankyou for all the advice that helped me feel that it's ok to be anxious and helped me realise that I need to let her do this. But some comments were just mean and made to make a point rather than trying to help someone that just wanted advice and reassurance. I apologise if the way I explained things came across wrong. I'm not a bad parent and do not wrap her in cotton wool, I had a bit of a wobble in my parenting life and wanted someone else to talk to about it. But I'm glad some of you found my worries amusing.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/12/2019 09:46

It is hard OP when they start going out but you have to let them.

I do think it’s a mistake to make booze so forbidden under 18, I’d hope by that age they’d know their limits by having experimented a bit

ILoveAnAgathaChristieMurder · 18/12/2019 09:58

Are you sure she's never been in a pub? How do you know she's not met these people? I was at uni at 18 drinking every weekend. 16/17 I was also out a lot drinking in pubs well trying to. I didn't tell my parents, I was petite ( was now petite height and fat) but my boyfriend was with me, so fine. At 18 university age what do you think kids do every weekend on campus ? With total strangers?

Lunde · 18/12/2019 11:11

It is hard - but you smile and wave them off