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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

77 replies

Loopymum19 · 17/12/2019 14:17

Hi, its my first time on here but i hope someone can help. My 18 year old Dd is insisting she's going out for new year into a city centre with her 23 year old boyfriend, his mates and their girlfriends. His friends are all aged 23-26 And she's never met any of them or their girlfriends before. She has never been out drinking before or even into a busy pub. Dd maybe 18 but she's very petite for her age. I know I can't control her but city centres are busy enough at weekends let alone new years eve. I've never even spoke to her boyfriend as she will never invite him round. It's 8 days to Christmas and all the arguing is tearing our family apart cos I really don't want her to go. Am I in the wrong? I'm Sick with worry. 😢 I have tried to explain my reasons but nothing I say helps.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 17/12/2019 14:34

In this day and age i would be worried too

Why? What's different in this day and age?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 17/12/2019 14:37

I did also insist that she had the Find My Friends enabled on her phone and I promised never to use it to spy on her, only one stop myself freaking out. She wasn’t keen at first and I did say we could keep reviewing it but, since I pay for the phone, I felt it was a reasonable request but if she wanted to take on paying for her own phone, I would respect that and not mention it again. Funnily enough she was fine with on reflection.

WWlOOlWW · 17/12/2019 14:43

It's hard to see your kids grow up, but part of being a parent is giving them the skills to risk assess for themselves.

She is 18, an adult and hopefully you have given her all the skills she needs to make sensible decisions and choices.

My 17 yr old often wants to do stuff that I'm not entirely comfortable with (nothing bad - just would prefer if he never went out and he would let me wrap him up in cotton wool ) but he needs to do these things and I have to manage my own anxieties.

Toddlerteaplease · 17/12/2019 15:07

Do not impose a curfew! She's 18.

Original poster

Loopymum19 · 17/12/2019 15:10

The arguing is dd not me. I would never stop her completely I'm simply trying to suggest other things she could do. If it was any other weekend there would be no problem at all, I just know how busy it is going to be that night. I am trying to compromise by suggesting a slightly smaller venue. Yes it is my anxiety because she has never been out drinking before simply because she has seen what it does to people to not have control of your self when out with friends and because She has been 18 for 3 weeks and was taught and respected that she should not drink alcohol until she was 18. I am not controlling, I simply love my Dd and was really hoping for advice on how to control my own feelings on the situation. And asking am I wrong for feeling this way, not am I wrong for stopping her because that's not what I'm doing! I will not apologize to my Dd for telling her how much I love and care for her.

OP posts:

Spitsandspots · 17/12/2019 15:13

I'm simply trying to suggest other things she could do

But she doesn’t want to do other things, she wants to go out with her boyfriend and his mates.

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2019 15:14

So if you're not stopping her and only suggesting different things to do, what were you talking about in your op with the arguments tearing the family apart. She can't be arguing with herself, and it's a bit shit to suggest she is and she's doing it for no reason and you just stand there innocent. Talk about throwing your kid under the bus.

Look, just because people have told you you're wrong, don't try to change the story.

Take it on the chin, and apologise to her, and stop what ever it is you're doing. You're wrong.

End of.

FairyBatman · 17/12/2019 15:18

That your DD feels the need to keep arguing about it would suggest that you haven’t really accepted it and let her get on with it though, or she wouldn’t have a reason to keep arguing.

Stop suggesting other things and other venues, you are only giving her the message that you want to control.

Stop telling her that you are worried about her, you’ve said it and if you keep going on it’ll come over as if you are trying to guilt trip her.

I don’t know how you manage your own feelings, but I do know that projecting your worries will come over as controlling and ultimately will have the opposite effect to what you intend.

AstonMartini · 17/12/2019 15:26

OP, I would say that you have done well to get a child to 18 without her bending the rules at all. However, I'm not sure it's such a good thing, if it ends up with you being so anxious about someone who's technically an adult. Of course you will always worry about her, want to know that she's safe, etc, etc, etc. But part of looking after our children surely involves very gradually letting them go, so that once they are 18, they are equipped to deal with whatever they might reasonably encounter?

I would love my teenagers (16 and 17) to be safely at home with me all the time. However, they are not. I have asked them not to go into any detail about what goes on when they are out (unless I actually need to know), as it could only ever make me not want to let them go out again.

Swirlygirl · 17/12/2019 15:32

LoopyLuna22 your not in the wrong for caring about her so much.

I was a bit of a wild child growing up so was worried to death when my dd1 started going out Incase she was as ‘wild’ as me

Do you drive? I’d tell her you will be in hand if she needs picking up.

There was an occasion when my dd got separated from her friends and phoned me up drunk from a phone box in the city center I couldn’t for the life of me order a taxi as it was Boxing Day. I didn’t drive at the time and was ringing round like a mad woman trying to get a lift for her - then she rang me saying it was all ok she’d found her friends and they were all in a taxi!

It’s really hard to let go and actually I’d find it uneasy about not meeting her new boyfriend but sometimes you just gotta go with it.

Be available if she needs you to pick her up and ask her if she doesn’t mind to check in with you once or twice if she can.

MN is an odd place sometimes. On one thread your still classed as a young person and still need looking after if your 17 yet on another thread the day you turn 18 your a fully fledged adult who is expected to have the maturity of a 40 year old!

My eldest dd is 25 and travels the world for her job. My nerves were shot to pieces at first!

ChilliMayo · 17/12/2019 15:33

I absolutely understand your worries. I have a just 18 yr old, a tiny tiny chihuahua of a girl (with a Doberman personality). She looks so young that she often gets stopped by the police when driving as she doesn't look old enough. We live rurally so big city life is a little alien to her. She is on medication which clashes with alcohol so has very little experience of drinking or of seeing people drunk. School is dominated by people more into their horses and ploughing competitions rather than drugs and teenage carousing.

But I have never stopped her doing anything. She goes shopping to London, she goes to concerts at obscure venues in towns, she's planning solo walking holidays, she wants to go to Florence on her own this time. And I shit myself every time.

I have her set up for payments on my internet banking app so I can transfer money quickly if needed. She carries a power bank just in case phone runs out of charge. We use Find Friends and also have What3Words on her phone. She has a money belt with some emergency cash (I hadn't seen one of these for decades, but very handy!).

Don't continue to block her because she's going anyway like it or not - you're making it very hard for her to contact you IF something does go wrong. She won't want to because of the 'I told you so's. And that would be even worse.

AstonMartini · 17/12/2019 15:48

I second you having some way to transfer money quickly to your DD, should you need to (I have this with my teenagers). I have also been known to surreptitiously insert some cash into pockets etc, as an emergency fund. They also know, one hundred percent, that I will always get them home safely, one way or another - and that I will never ask too many questions or say "I told you so".

I wouldn't ask her to check in with you. People couldn't do this before mobiles. If you asked her to, then didn't hear anything, your anxiety would go through the roof - when she'd probably have no signal/battery, or would just be having a good time and forgetting to text you. My assumption has to be that if I don't hear anything, they are ok. If something goes wrong, someone will let me know.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2019 15:50

My children are in their 20's now, and I know how gut wrenching it can be when they start living their own lives. No matter how old they are, you always worry about them.

However, you have to allow your daughter to grow up, and you definitely need to stop burdening her with your anxieties. If you don't, she will either become an insecure adult with no confidence, or you will lose your closeness with her. You can't shield her from the world forever.

corythatwas · 17/12/2019 16:34

If this is simply about your suffering anxiety but not stopping her, then there should be nothing to argue about. Quite frankly, suggesting different alternatives to going out with friends on New Year's Eve was always going to fail, unless your alternative was to leave home and let her house a massive house party (note: I do NOT recommend this solution).

What you are doing with this angsting is suggesting to her that there is no other way to handle alcohol and parties than to lose control over yourself. She would be much safer if you could cheerfully and calmly discuss strategies for staying safe, predicted on the assumption that she is capable and can be in an environment of drink and drugs without going absolutely haywire. Anything from practical advice on not mixing drinks (except with lemonade), always watching your glass, use a reputable taxi firm, stay sober enough so a driver will take you, watch out for her friends etc.

Let her feel that you are so tough and capable that she can phone you whatever happens.

NerrSnerr · 17/12/2019 16:39

If you're not stopping her from going then why is there arguing.

My mum was massively over protective and didn't let me out when I had just turned 18- I massively made up for it when I went to university and went hugely off the rails!

bigTillyMint · 17/12/2019 16:48

@Loopymum19, can you suggest she goes out with her bf before Xmas so she can get an idea of what it's like in the pub?

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 17/12/2019 16:53

Sounds like she's going to be surrounded by a group of large adults, all experienced in going out/navigating new year's eve.

Shell be fine. Stop treating her like a little girl - or your stress levels will be a million times worse when she leaves for university.

After all, isn't it better for her to get used to the environment before Freshers' Week?

ChristmasSpiritsOnThRocksPleas · 17/12/2019 16:54

Bloody hell. At her age I got married. I think I would have just left and cut all contact if my parents tried to control me to this degree.

kenandbarbie · 17/12/2019 16:59

People go to uni at 18 and are totally in control of their own lives. Doing their own thing with their parents in a different city.

You shouldn't really even suggest other ideas, she has her own plans.

I second the idea of encouraging her to go out to the same or similar venue before Christmas so she can get used to it. Also of facilitating a taxi home for them.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 17/12/2019 17:00

You are not wrong. You have valid reasons for your concern. Unfortunately she is 18. That makes her a legal adult but doesn't confer any common sense.

GreenTulips · 17/12/2019 17:03

Most teens dabble with a few drinks prior to 18, that way they don’t go mad and out of control. You’ve done your DD a disservice here.

Give her advice, hold on to her bag, watch for spiked drinks, have money separately for a taxi or a back up plan to dry somewhere safe. Stuck with friends and don’t wonder off.

I’m not surprised she won’t let you meet him. You sound hard work.

foamrolling · 17/12/2019 17:05

If she has got to the age of 18 and made sensible choices about alcohol she's unlikely to go out now and get legless. She's probably safer with a crowd of older people than a bunch of daft teenagers too. The worst that'll probably happen is the crowds of other drunk people will be really annoying. Everywhere will be packed and expensive to get in.

Palavah · 17/12/2019 17:08

Before NYE:
Take her to a busy pub (surprised that at 18 she hasn't already done this - how come?)
Invite her boyfriend over so you can meet him?

Does she know her way around the city centre? Know where the bar is? Know where/how to safely get a cab eg minicab office or have a number saved to call?
Does she trust that if there's a problem she can call you and you'll help rather than overreact?
She needs to learn to navigate the risks of the world herself. It's easier if you support her in doing that and she know you're there if she needs you as a safety net to begin with.

Palavah · 17/12/2019 17:10

I'd also be hoping that she had a drink at home before NYE rather than start on a long night without knowing how alcohol affects her.

Lunde · 17/12/2019 17:18

Sorry but YABU

I have 2 dds aged 21 and 23. It is an anxious time for most parents when your kids start going out to pubs and clubs but you need to learn to bite your tongue and let them go. In a few months she could be away at Uni and you will have no idea what she is getting up to.

She is an adult now and you need to be careful that you don't push her away by letting your anxiety limit her life

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