At a complete loss over dd age 14

[Carrotcakeforbreakfast]

This is going to be long so you have my apologies.

Up until now my dd has been a lovely teenager to be around. We were really close and got on.
She has quite a negative opinion of herself looks which I find ridiculous even removing bias.

She hadn't had a boyfriend until this May and she " met a boy" on Instagram. He knows one of her Male schoolfriends and they started chatting.
I wasnt concerned at all.
He lives 50 miles away so I thought this will be good really as she won't see him so much that it will have a negative effect on her schoolwork, family, hobbies and friends.

How wrong I was.

She has changed so much and I just need to vent really. I know what I think deep down.

I have met him and felt guarded towards him but put that down to being protective mum etc.
A few weeks ago she asked if she could attend a party at one of his friends house ( a friend I do not know and who lives by him) so miles away.
I was at work until late and said I didn't want to drive over as i had an early start. Plus she had seen him at our house 2 days before.
Anyway she was furious at this and suggested she got the train. I point blank refused as she hasn't ever got the train alone before due to her going to school in a rural area. I tend to drive her in or a school bus collects her.
That aside it is an hour and a half journey. 2 stops, passing through to different cities and she wanted to go at 7pm and get the last train at 11pm.
Again I said nope. Too young, too alone, too unsafe and as I didn't know where she was going it wasnt going to change.
She completely lost her temper and screaming how much she hates me etc.
I checked her phone later that evening and this boyfriend was saying stuff like
" your parents don't care about you baby, they just care about upsetting you"
" your dad is a wanker and your mum is a bitch"

I spoke to her about it and she said he was just angry.
I asked her to text him and say look it isn't going to happen just leave it.
And as she picked her phone up he messaged and it said
" I am going to wank in your face and then slap you"

I took the phone off her at this point. I'm not naive enough to think they talk about the weather. I was a teenager once but I was majorly uncomfortable with this.

When she had her phone back I told her I wanted to check it as and when I felt the need.
One evening she had fell asleep with it next to her ( earlier than phones downstairs time)
So I took it and brought it downstairs to charge.
A message popped up

" you said we could do bondage and make porn, you would if you loved me"
I then messaged him and said this is her mother and I suggest you rethink what you have just said.
He then dumped her as I'm such a bitch.

She seemed happier and said she wasnt talking to him but I found out yesterday she still is and they are back together.
And he has been applying for part time weekend jobs for her so I cant take her phone off her if she pays for it.
She has changed beyond all recognition and clearly hates me right now. She is utterly besotted with him.

Other messages I have seen off him go on about her being imperfect but this makes her more appealing princess

I cant help but think it all seems very manipulative.
I'm not even sure why I am writing this I'm just so worried about how much she has changed.

Any advice?
Give me a toddler any day. Jesus christ

So we had a turn of events this morning.

She stayed with her nan and grandad last night as I said previously and had a lovely night.
I found out yesterday that she had been intending to sneak out and meet him ( bloody miles away)
My parents were watching her like a hawk and noticed she used my mums phone to text me but had sent another text and deleted it. She had obviously memorised his number.

She then came clean to my mum. Told her she was planning to sneak off to meet him. Mum spoke to her and said why are you doing this? He is not making effort and lying for you can you not see this. Have you told me this to ask for help?

And she said yes my dad then told her that I spoke to the police yesterday
He thinks she is frightened as she has sent messages back and from what I saw they were very grim.

But I feel like we have got through.
I just spoke to her and she said I'm so sorry.
I told her not to apologise and that I was proud that she told her nan and I said do you worry that you'll upset him/make him angry? And she said yes a little bit.

I agree - you're doing a great job here.
I second the point about accessing social media through other devices. She can get on WhatsApp on a laptop, IF her mobile is switched on. So, if you have that mobile on in order to monitor messages/activity, then she can also be on WA, even out of range (although of course, you could see what she's posting).

Oh I hope this is the start of her seeing this for what it is!

One thought - could her reaction be because he texted her back to fuck off (given he texted her phone "fine, ignore me")?

Well done OP. Sounds like she is starting to see him for the low life that he is.

I'm not sure what he said to her on mums phone but she blocked his number on that phone after my parents spoke to her.

She did it off her own back without any prompting and I've just done the same on her phone here (again!)

What other devices does she have access to?

Oh gosh, so glad she seems to becoming around.

We have a laptop but she rarely uses it and the xbox

I know she has played online with him so while she isnt here I'm going to see how to block people on that. I'm okay with phones but xbox I'm not savvy.
I'll send DH to do it

Please don't forward any messages etc to his parents or the school. The police have been informed and the sgt is probably a specialist in dealing with child abuse, grooming and coercion. Just keep screen shots of all the messages, it would be very easy to mess up any evidence at this stage. No doubt her phone will be taken as evidence by the police.

I'm sorry your family is going through such a horrible experience.

I’m really glad she’s starting to see and understand. Your parents sound fantastic.

I'm not sure what he said to her on mums phone but she blocked his number on that phone after my parents spoke to her.

She did it off her own back without any prompting and I've just done the same on her phone here (again!)

This is really positive!

God this is grim. Sending you OP. I'm so glad that you and your family seem to be getting through to your DD, but don't give her an inch. She's been thoroughly groomed and her low self esteem could easily mean her contacting him again. You're at the very start of this process, so you need to be ultra vigilant. Do talk to the school's safeguarding team. I went to an evening of cyber safety talks at my DS's school earlier this term and was a) impressed by now savvy they are and b) utterly horrified by what they told us about grooming and porn. I felt very old, clueless and prudish by the end of it - but more than that I felt utterly sad that teenagers these days are exposed to so much grim stuff at such a young age. Their childhoods are being stolen from them by the peddlars of hard-core porn and it's horrifying

I struggle to see how you're not being a good mum OP. We have lots of safeguarding training at school and lots of behavioural conflict can be resolved by "change of face, change of pace".

You've absolutely done the right thing getting a bit of perspective between you.

Hang in there

Fucking hell OP this is so awful you're doing so well though.

One of my friends at school got into a cycle around that age of meeting and being used by boys who were similar.

Her parents were super liberal and IMO took it way too far, taking pride in "letting her make her own decisions" even at 14 about things that were way too adult for her to healthily consent to.

Anyway, she has said as an adult she was so, so relieved when her parents finally stepped in because she could say no to people and use her parents as a reason.

She felt before that she didn't have a good enough reason so you are putting in place boundaries and consequences she will appreciate one day.

It sounds like this may even be happening already. Thinking of you

Okay so another update

We have had a long chat

Photos have been passed between them

She said he started it and sent some then asked her for some if she felt comfortable so she did.

Any advice on this? As I believe she could face legal implications from this too.

It is all coming out now. She was scared not to see him in case he showed the photos. I believed he even made reference to that in a call

Don't let that stop you reporting that to the police. She's a victim of coercion. She won't be in trouble.

You are doing amazingly.

Abusive people seek out those with low self esteem who will be too scared to stand up to them.

He sent photos. She returned them. Alongside evidence he coerced her throughout so hopefully police will see that she was groomed into it through fear.

Is there anyway you can arrange something this afternoon for you both (or you her and her sister) and you can show and tell her how proud you are of her for opening up. She knows now you are there for her and will protect her - good time to restore some 'normality ' in the parent/teen relationship.

Contact the boys mother asap

The mum has been in touch around 10 minutes ago
As it now with the police
I decided not to tell her the ins and outs.

I asked for her full support in him not texting her ot replying should she message him somehow.
I told her I had seen messages way above what i considered normal for teens and left it at that.

She agreed and said she hasn't seen any messages and I told her they were not good.

The rest the police can deal with.
For now the communications have stopped and that can only be a good thing
Everything else can follow.

I cannot believe she sent photos. I have always warned her about these kind of things.

I actually think you’ve handled this really well. You trusted your instincts all the way and it looks like you’ve taken back control (as much as you can at this stage).

Why didn't you tell his mother everything?

Op,I have had some phone based drama with my eldest this week. We have installed an app on my and his phone called MMGuardian. (I don't work for them!)
It allows you to block access to certain websites and apps so that they can't use them, and also see what websites and apps they are using and for how long. However, my favourite feature is that you can read all incoming and outgoing text messages (on SMS, WhatsApp, Facebook messenger) and receive alerts if any of your chosen 'trigger words' are written. It will also alert you if photos are received or sent that are of questionable content.
As far as I can tell it is free for the first month.

Taking a phone away completely is a pretty illogical and difficult task for a teen. DS is fully aware of the control I currently have over his phone, and I do not plan on having it forever.
Might be worth a look?

I didn't want to give them the heads up in all honesty.
Excuses ready.

She will no doubt see the messaged eventually but the police can show her.

I'll have a look at that app now. Thank you

Now that the boys mum knows all about this, I can imagine he'll be in for some tough times. I have a son, he's very young but if this was my son, I would be disgusted with him and question what it was I did that let him be exposed to this sort of thing at 15. I would probably welcome the police talking to him and research ways to stop my son being so sexualised - if there is a way to do that.

From the things you've posted, it's quite scary to see and I'm a 30 year old woman. I've never spoken to a male and had them say they would wank on my face and slap me so it's sickening to hear that a 15 year old boy is saying this to a 14 year old girl. They shouldn't know graphic details of BDSM and things like that at such a young age. They should just know about sex and intimacy on a basic level. Jesus, I was in my mid 20's before I even heard about half the stuff that goes on these days. He has probably been free to roam the internet with little monitoring and has seen all sorts in porn videos and on forums. Yuck! I will do everything in my power to ensure that my son doesn't see things like this and hassle a young girl into sending photos and things.

Your DD must have some low self esteem which makes her vulnerable and in turn will comply with the requests of someone that claims to like her. It's a sad state of affairs and we all have times of low self esteem in our lives so it's not abnormal that she lacks self esteem, especially at her age. It's just unfortunate that she met such a sexualised boy. If she had met a boy that was more timid and hadn't been exposed to all sorts, the experience of her first boyfriend would have been a lot better. There's nothing you could have done as a parent to ensure she met a 'nice' boy. It's just one of those things where she was unlucky enough to meet someone 'bad'. I hope the parents of the boy take some responsibility and realise they could have done a few things to prevent this. At the very least, they could have been checking his phone and internet use to keep tabs on what he was seeing and saying before it got out of hand

When are you speaking to the police next? I'm glad his mother has been in contact & I think you did the right thing not giving her the full picture. Let her son show her or the police. If I was her, I would be going through that phone & likely losing my fucking shit.

I hope you're feeling a bit better, I know the photos revelation isn't good, but you can see how this happened. And the very fact that she was too scared to stop contact after he threatened her, speaks volumes!