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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Holidays with 15yo dd - your experience?

41 replies

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 17/08/2019 23:26

Dd is 15. Went to France and Italy this year on hols - gorgeous villas with private pools.

Dd was v lackadaisical about what she wanted to do, about sight-seeing, beaches, our lovely pools, and preferred to spend a lot of time in her fricking room on her fricking phone.

Is this normal for this age??

But depressing. We have an 11yo ds who is super-enthusiastic about everything. Such a contrast.

Makes me feel like booking next year’s holiday depending on on what we want to do, not Dd...

Advice?

OP posts:

Winterlife · 17/08/2019 23:28

Very typical. However if you force her to go to activities, she will remember it in the future.

Winterlife · 17/08/2019 23:29

^should add, she’ll remember activities mostly positively.

Itsonlytuesdayqwer · 17/08/2019 23:37

Yeh very typical, DS will be the same when he gets too that age! My DSS was the same, I was the same at that age too.

DSS last hol with us last year & his mum and her partner have said the same.
It was a choice, do you want to come with us? “Do I have too?” “Not if you don’t want too”...:
He’s a lovely 16 year old, can’t fault him in any way shape or form... .. he just is honest and doesn’t want to go away and would rather see his friends! A lot of his friends are the same!

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 17/08/2019 23:49

It's normal, it's a bit shitty to demand enthusiasm for something which is your choice not hers.

I actually went home alone from a boring, clostrophobic, frustrating UK holiday with my parents and younger sibling when I was 15, but I'm quite old and I guess those were different times (the excuse was I was taking the dog, who was also not happy, home, which allowed everyone to save face in a family where it would have been unthinkable to actually be honest - I took the train).

My eldest is a similar age and I absolutely sympathise. She'd prefer 3-4 day city breaks over beach holidays with her little siblings. I really do understand and don't expect enthusiasm or gratitude, she can stay in the accommodation if she prefers and all I ask is she not spoil things for the rest of us. I've talked to her and she knows that as long as she gives us no reason not to trust her she can stay home once she's 16. I try to do a mini city break with her too sometimes - we went to Paris last year, just the two of us, and she lived that. Her younger siblings would have hated it.

I sometimes wonder how so many of my peers appear to have such complete cognitive dissonance when it comes to their own memories of being a teen and their expectations of their own teens. Can it be that lots of people really don't remember what it was like? Or is it, as a suspect, a case of chronic double standards and choosing to believe we're not like our parents and our kids should therefore not feel the way we did 25/ 30/ 35 years ago...

Original poster

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 18/08/2019 00:21

So, we discussed with the dc what we wanted from a holiday before we went, and we booked with those things in mind... for dd to decide she ‘didn’t mind’ about any of it after we’d landed...

If dh and I had said ‘we’re going here, so tough’, that would be one thing. But we didn’t.

Chuh.

OP posts:

Original poster

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 18/08/2019 00:23

nothing - I asked my parents if I was the same at 15 this weekend! They said no...

And I can’t remember being the same. not that we were ever lucky enough to book private villas. It was hotels and pools.

Maybe that’s part of iit - we spend so much on our own villa and pool, not hotels, then the dc are not grateful enough...

OP posts:

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 18/08/2019 06:44

It's pretty dull for a 15 year old to stay in a private villa with just their family - it's completely developmentally appropriate for them to be peer focussed not family focussed at 15.

It's also weird to expect significant gratitude for money spent if that's your usual lifestyle and she's never known different. Contrast is required for gratitude, nobody is ever really genuinely grateful for unless they know and understand a different reality and believe that a sacrifice has been made for them (after all would you have gone to a cheap 2 star hotel in a bargain basement location if not for DD's taste for lovely private villas?)

I think the problem is your expectations, though if your parents say you weren't a typical teenager yourself it's understandable.

At least she was non committal not stroppy - if she'd been actively unpleasant that would be different, but gushing enthusiasm about time with the family in nice surroundings would be a pleasant surprise but not an expectation.

She also quite possibly doesn't know what she wants - very typical if teenagers with the combination of lack of experience and limited outlook giving them the basis for genuine choice, and the hormonal madness and all the other pressures on them (school and social).

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 18/08/2019 07:00

My mum has a great photo of us outside the Sistine chapel as teenagers - all four of us just look so fucked off and annoyed at being there.

If phones had been around then we would definitely have been on them.

Normal, I would say

applepieicecream · 18/08/2019 07:09

It’s totally normal. However lovely the villa with a private pool might be I imagine that most 15 year olds would find it deathly boring so I would suggest that you try to not think about how lucky she is to have private pool - most kids prefer the busyness of a shared pool where they can either play with other children if they are young and look for fit guys if they are teens. Being stuck just with family can be v dull.

We have had to adapt our holiday as kids have got older. We stay in villa or apartment complexes with shared pools and try to go within the vicinity of where we know some of the kids friends might be. Much as it’s not my idea of a perfect holiday it does make life much easier and they are most enthusiastic about doing things with us because they know that they’ve also had some social time. They do spend a lot of time on phones too

KickBishopBrennanUpTheArse · 18/08/2019 07:14

I stopped going away with my family at 15. My first holiday with friends (one set if parents 5 mins away) was age 13. Four of us camped for a week. This was mid-80s.

I would love for dd to have that independence. But even if I was comfortable with it her friends' parents wouldn't be. And no campsite would take them.

My dd is 17 now and does enjoy holidays with me but we had a few stinkers around 13-15. I have learnt to build in some down time where she can have a few hours away from me and lie in bed on her phone.

I think as they become adults you have to realise that holidays test those relationships more. After all if I go on holiday with friends they often drive me insane after a weekend. Why shouldn't you be driving her insane from such confined contact. Go out for an afternoon and give her some space. She might be better company in the evening.

BobbieBrewster · 18/08/2019 08:24

Totally normal. At 15 we sat down and decided as a family what we wanted to do - in all honesty a holiday we could all survive. In the end we went for a short city break (we live by the coast so beach holidays have never really gone down well). Four days when we all made an effort to see something new, eat together etc.

Parsley65 · 18/08/2019 12:36

We're recently home from two weeks at a villa/private pool holiday with dc 19 & 16.
We have never had such a luxurious holiday before and it was sold as a one-off as both teens would rather go away with friends next year.
They were both invited and accepted. They spent much of their time on phones in their air conditioned rooms.
We did some stuff together as a family, but DH and I had lots of time to ourselves and we all enjoyed it in our own way.

GreenTulips · 18/08/2019 12:41

We go to those parks with kids entertainment and they can meet up with other kids, hang round in a group. Last one had a water park on site and they all disappeared to play on the slides. They made friends.

Some days we went out and they came as long as they could head back to the water park.

They also had access to a pool near the bar, free drinks, and we could watch and relax.

Mischa more active and less boarding than a villa

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 19/08/2019 05:56

We just came back from a similar holiday. We'd scheduled a few outings....places to go, things to see. Once she was away from the wifi at our rental then she'd no choice but to join in and it was fine. Not great, but fine. They had their cousins too, which helped. As a rule, we try to holiday with friends or family at least for one of our holidays in the year as the kids have more fun that way. Careful selection process though, obviously!

They have a lot more access to their phones than they do a term time, but I do limit them still, they can't be on them 24/7.

boringbertha · 19/08/2019 06:02

Yes, absolutely normal I'd say... DD15 and I have just returned from a week abroad at a friend's small villa and she basically resided in the bedroom on her phone unless we went anywhere. In hindsight we should have invited her friend.

Fast forward to this week and she's away at camp with cadets and is having an absolute ball, so definitely a case of being with her peers instead of boring adults.

youarenotkiddingme · 19/08/2019 06:05

Private pool and villa I'd say yes - probably normal.

They tend to make friends in hotels/campsites with kids their own age.

Charley50 · 19/08/2019 06:05

I also think it's normal. That's what 15 year old DS did last time we went on a beach holiday, stayed in air-conditioned room on
WiFi with occasional dips in the pool. However this summer we went away with friends and kids and did activities. He loved it.
I think French campsites where they can meet snog other teens are good, or city breaks.

poolblack · 19/08/2019 06:10

Mine would have hated that kind of holiday at 15. She is all about the city breaks. Tourist stuff, sightseeing and activities. Oh, and shops! I suppose it depends what they like.

Bonkersblond · 19/08/2019 06:52

We have same age DC, went to France camping, booked family activities for days out, kayaking, Canyoning, DS15 joined in not as enthusiastically as DD but when back at site was on his phone although came alive at night as most teenagers congregated at football pitch in the evenings. DD didn’t make friends, she was with us the whole time and very enjoyable company. On way home we stopped off at Paris, this was by far the highlight for him. We tried to do something for everyone. Didn’t think DS enjoyed camping as much but on way home he’s asked if we can go again next year🤷‍♀️turns out he made some really good friends who go to same place every year.

AuntieMarys · 19/08/2019 06:55

We never did a family holiday after they were 15. A total waste of money.

Awks · 19/08/2019 07:02

Totally normal. Ours used to sit and watch Jeremy Kyle on Sky rather than come to the pool, or wander round the lovely Spanish town. They deigned to come out with us in an evening but probably because the WiFi was better in the restaurants!

stucknoue · 19/08/2019 07:07

Typical, that that I think it's right. We picked a nice apartment at that age so we could walk to restaurants, dd chose to stay there (I gave her money to buy food in the market, she basically lived on quiche and noodles she had stuffed in her case (unknowing to me, she's veggie).

stucknoue · 19/08/2019 07:08

Ps, we did go out and about in the day time though, she had no choice

Backinthebox · 19/08/2019 07:10

We went on a Family Adventure holiday this year booked through Explore. I booked with them because it did the kind of holiday I enjoy but with other families with kids. Of the 4 other kids booked, 3 were 14-16 years old and loved having other teens around. They adopted my DS8 and everyone had a ball. They taught him chess and all went off on the kayaks together (within sight of us when they had DS.) I’d definitely go with them again with kids.

Mittler · 19/08/2019 07:11

I loved family holidays at that age, joined in with everything, liked being with my parents and sibling etc (my 17 yo is the same). However, my DD is 15, and there's no way on Earth I'd take her on holiday because she would, yes, spend the entire time glued to her phone and would give me the evil eye if I dared to suggest doing or seeing anything else. So it seems to be very normal, albeit incomprehensible to me.

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