AIBU to expect working DS to contribute to household?

[AuntieAl]

My 16yr old ds will soon be starting a full time paid apprenticeship. My dh and I both feel that he should contribute a percentage of his wage as a rent. Not actually for his upkeep, but more as a good habit for life.

He strongly objects to this, saying that if he continued at school as his two older sisters did then he would not be paying anything and we would be supporting him. As a family we are not well off and both my dh and I work hard and go without to ensure we do what we can for all our children. Both older girls went on to university and were/are still supported by us. Our eldest dd took a year out in industry and paid a percentage rent (which we put in an isa for her future, without her knowledge) and now she has just completed her degree, she'll be working full time and paying rent.
Our plan for our son is the same, to put the 'rent' away on his behalf until he is aged 21 (the same age that we supported his sisters) but we do not want to tell him this as we feel he will gain valuable life lessons about paying his way in the world.

I hope this makes sense, this is the first time I have posted so I am hoping for some thoughts or suggestions. Please be kind. 😃

Personally I wouldn't at 16, the apprentice wage is very low and you supported his siblings but I would expect him to pay for his phone, clothes etc. From 18 the apprentice wage increases/is on normal wages then your saving plan would be good, plus his siblings are borrowing a lot of money so they are paying in a different way from 18

Absolutely he should contribute. Presumably he chose to leave school and enter the world of work partly because he would be earning? Quite apart from the valuable life lesson. Or suggest he lives elsewhere once he turns 18 if he refuses to pay up.

My ds paid 10 % in 'board', he saved 10 %. He bought his own lovely house at 24 with his saved deposit!

I like your plan to put the money away for him, but I feel you should be honest with him that you're doing that. Otherwise I think he is right to feel that you're treating him unfairly compared to his siblings. To say "we're not, but he doesn't know that we're not" makes no sense at all to me!

Stucknoue* his wage is quite competitive and I worry that if I don't get him used to deductions from the beginning then he will struggle to adjust to that at 18. My thoughts were a percentage of his wage so it would not be an unreasonable amount.

He is no longer in FT education and is earning so should pay a token rent. The question is how much is fair? Work out how much his disposable income is after travel, work lunch, work expenses etc and base it on that.

Also encourage him to pay into a works pension if allowed/his work will also contribute.

You could point out that while his sisters stayed on at school you continued to receive CB for them, as he's regarded as working you won't for him.

Chitara We don't want tell him that we're putting the money away for his future because he is not great with money (he wants to spend every penny, always😜) and by him believing that money has gone on rent, then we hopefully can guide him to save independently as well. We aee trying to teach him good money management - whilst also saving him a nest egg for the future.

I have tried to explain about the child benefit ending, and that his sisters both pay rent at uni (and will have humongous debts when they leave, that he will not have)
Both of his sisters have logically explained to him that he is the lucky one, he'll finish his apprenticeship without debt, have a well paid career and a secure future. But he truly believes that he is being hard done by. We know he is still young, but it hurts that he cannot see, how dh and I go without too ensure that he and his siblings have what they need and that he is adamant we should not ask him for any contribution.

OP, I genuinely admire you for your good principles and aims. However, I do think this will be hard for your son to appreciate at the age of 16.

he truly believes that he is being hard done by I'm not surprised! I think most 16 year olds would find this very unfair. Yes, your daughters will have student debt, but that was their choice, they wanted to go to university and you supported them financially to do so. Look up one of the threads on here about adults who moan about being treated differently from their siblings - in many cases, their parents probably had good reason for their actions, that were not obvious to their offspring.

Please, be careful not to let your excellent intentions drive a wedge between you and your son.

YANBU. It's a good lesson to learn that if you earn money, you should contribute for your keep.

Chitara you have really given me something to think about. Yes, his siblings chose to go to university, but equally he made a different choice based in his individual needs and preferences. Hopefully I can explain gently that different life choices all have different circumstances and I will bear in mind what you've suggested when I talk to him about it again.
Thank you

Could you meet him in the middle and give him 6months-1years grace??

Not unreasonable but....I would class his apprentiship similar to your other children being at university. He will be training to hopefully have a good career in the future, the same as your children at university are studying so that they hopefully have a good career.

I agree he should pay a small contribution to household costs.

Don’t call it “ rent “ as presumably it also goes towards bills, cleaning product and toiletries and food. It’s not good for teens to think that these things are free, otherwise they will get a shock when they move out.

And he needs to act like an adult , keep his own room clean and contribute to housework. Assuming that his older siblings did this too.

Will you do his laundry or does he do his own?

Does he pay for his own phone ?

We had this discussion a long time ago even though Ds1 has only just turned 16. Our principle is that once you are earning, you get to blow the first month's money on whatever you want, go wild.

But after that we suggest the 1/3 "rent" 1/3 savings and 1/3 spending. That way they get used to not having all their money from their wage. If our financial situation remains the same then we will not need the "rent" portion and will bank that for him for a future date.

As adults myself and Dh are savers, then we spend it. Both my children save money from birthdays and Christmases. They are not bothered by branded clothing or trainers. More gaming than anything else but they are Steam games so £20 rather than XBox games.

We pay for their phones (Ds2 is 13) and they have gaming computers but access to that is given on the understanding that their grades remain high, their effort grades are outstanding or good, they do their homework on time and that they do their chores without complaint.

We talk as a family about finances and the importance of saving for emergencies/holidays/cars or just not living beyond your means. They know how much things cost in the real world, like how much a local house is to rent or a room in a shared house. They know the cost of food and the weekly shop. They understand about utilities and council tax, home insurance and the fact that a minimum wage job seems like a whole lot of money whilst you live at home with your parents. But it doesn't go that far in the real world. Ds1 says this stuff should be taught in schools

But yes, at 16 I would be taking some of that money. He should also be paying for his own phone, bus fares etc. He needs to learn to budget, a useful skill. He needs to understand you have lost £13.70 a week in Child Benefit by his choice not to be in education.

He should pay digs, even if it is only £10 a week.

It is a good discipline for him.

I think it’s perfectly fine. I got a load of stick on MN when I asked the same question but I suspect a lot of people are loaded 😂 My son currently has a summer job and last month took home £1150 plus tips. We decided to take 20%. Tips were untouched. He is going to college next month and an apprenticeship next year. He’ll continue to do this and we’ve had Barely a grumble. We explained that we would still pay his mobile phone contract, the fridge would continue to be full for him to take from and there would be lofts if required. I’ve also subbed him about £20 this month as the cheeky monkey has overspent before payday. Think he’s doing ok tbh.

*lifts

I wouldn’t at 16yo. Even to take, put away and give back later. I would leave that until later, for us that’s been post-uni first ‘real’/career job while living at home.

What percentage of his £3.90 an hour will you take?

What percentage of his £3.90 an hour will you take?

Some of them pay quite well and she says it’s competitively paid.

A small contribution to household costs is reasonable.

My 16 year old has just started working. We've agreed they pay 10% towards household running costs.

How much does he earn? I think that’s the big part of it.
I’m assuming that you won’t be giving me any kind of allowance now he’s earning and he’ll have to buy clothing, toiletries, pay for transport, phone contract and any social activities from that.
I’m not sure I would charge him as although I see your point I can also see why he feels it’s unfair compared to his sisters.
I would be telling him that at 18 he will need to contribute though. The apprenticeships are low paid on the basis that young people are still living with their parents so for me even if it’s competitive it slightly takes away the point.