Desperately need advice on my 13yr old DD who no longer lives with me!

[Pepsimiddleton159]

I’m completely at breaking point with my relationship with my DD.
I’ve brought her and her sister (16) up on my own for over 10 years. When I left their dad he moved to Birmingham to live with his new girlfriend, and so hasn’t really been of any parental support, and has tried to punish me over the years with money, and letting me down with childcare in the holidays.
Anyway, my youngest has always been moody and if things don’t go her way, we all suffer. She strops off, is horrible to me and I’m often not good at handling her. Many meals out and days out have been ruined by her mood shift.
When she got to 12 it got worse, and due to other things going on in my life I was trying to deal with I was even more at the end of my tether with my daughter. She always threatened to go and live with her dad. What really pushes my buttons is that when I tell her off, she calls her dad and tells him how horrible I am etc etc. This literally is like a red rag to a bull and if I’m hormonal it’s enough for me to lose my temper. This one day that exact thing happened and she called her dad and he picked her up while I was at work and she never moved back. So now she lives 90 miles away and goes to a private school and I rarely see her.
The problem still continues, in that when she comes here, I’m bending over backwards to please her, when things don’t go her way, the mood comes and the threats to go back to her dads and the phone calls to her dad to pick her up comes.
Yesterday I took her and her friends to a music festival, something must have gone on with her friends but she took it out on me. Because I said I wouldn’t stay up to watch a film when we got back, she said she was calling her dad to come and pick her up. I tried to keep my cool but by the time we got to the car I totally lost it. I was so raging I could have crashed the car and killed us all. Not only that but I hit her on the arm. I can’t cope at all with her behaviour or the upset it causes and I don’t want to be this person. I know it’s hormones that make me lose it, but I can’t do anything right to please this child. I am not her dad, I don’t have his money, I’m exhausted trying to please her when I shouldn’t need to buy her affection.
I just feel helpless and a terrible mother.
I want us to see a family counsellor but my ex doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with my daughter and I am not to take her to a ‘shrink’. I often go for NLP when I’m troubled, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m broken.

Can you address the issue with your hormones first? They seem to be ruling your life, and by proxy, your daughter. Maybe a trip to the GP would be a good starting point? Change the way you manage situations rather than changing your daughter would be my advice.

I hope things improve, it must have broken your heart when she didn't come back :(

You sound like my mum. You are the adult, she is the child. You need to do whatever it takes to sort this out, otherwise you will lose her and it'll be on you.

Can you address the issue with your hormones first? They seem to be ruling your life, and by proxy, your daughter. Maybe a trip to the GP would be a good starting point? Change the way you manage situations rather than changing your daughter would be my advice.I hope things improve, it must have broken your heart when she didn't come back

All of this too. I see how you are stretched to breaking point, but also do try to see how this looks through their eyes.
If a bloke had posted to say that his dd lived with her mum and every time she came to stay she'd end up calling mum and wanting to go home, then finally he'd lost his temper and hit his dd on the arm, what would you (or we all) be saying to him?

I hope you are able to find a way to connect with her calmly, 13 is a turbulent age and maybe she needed to find a way out of a negative cycle at home. NLP is not particularly well evidenced, have you tried CBT? Or even yoga/meditation/mindfulness?

You can't be hitting your daughter or driving unsafely. You do know that. The GP can help. Tell them everything you've told us.

Sorry but it sounds like the problem is as much with you as your DD. It’s not normal or excusable for hormones to cause rage to the extent that you are physically violent to a child.

You need to be looking at anger management courses and training to help you to manage when you are annoyed by your daughter. Is normal for teenagers to be infuriating but it’s not normal to hit them or drive so full of range you put lives in danger and almost crash the car. You sound abusive. This is your problem, not your DDs, and by the sounds of it I wouldn’t want to live with you either.

Get help for your anger and aggressive/ violent behaviour or don’t be surprised to lose your DD altogether.

OP it comes across very strongly in your post that you blame your DD. Does her dad have similar issues with her or is it because of your dynamic?

If the latter then you need to seek help. My own fairly normal teenage moodiness was a ‘red rag to a bull’ to my mum too and our relationship never recovered. You sound jealous of your DD’s schooling and her relationship with her father and you clearly have unresolved issues with your ex if you DD calling him is enough to make you angry enough to almost crash a car. If you’re not careful she’ll soon reach an age where she refuses to tolerate your abuse and you lose her.

You’re an adult, and from your description a fairly abusive/reactive one. Seek help alone. I would suggest proper counselling/psychotherapy rather than NLP which has very little evidence to support it.

Agree you need to address you anger and look at your reaction to some fairly normal teen behaviour and how to control this. Blaming "hormones" is simply not acceptable, teens have hormones too, maybe a perfect storm. NLP is probably not the best therapy to deal with this. Have you spoken to gp?

If you are bending over backwards to please her then that’s why she thinks she can get away with acting like this. As for your anger - you really need to get control over yourself. Go to some parenting classes, go to the GP, sort it out. You are the adult and she is the child and you can’t just keep losing it whenever she pushes your buttons.

Good advice. Let her go until you have yourself and your issues under control, then see if you can make a relationship. Her dad sounds as if he’s doing the best he can, providing for her, making her feel safe, allowing contact with when she wants it and rescuing her when you fuck up.
Are you struggling with your 16 year old, or is she more compliant and careful about upsetting you?

I am not like this with my other daughter.
She doesn’t play us off against each other.
My youngest, before she went to live with her dad, used to beg me not to send her, she called me on Christmas Eve begging me to pick her up. Only I wouldn’t because that’s not the answer.
I’ve been to see a counsellor who told me we had a family problem, she said that my daughter has created a drama triangle with her dad as the saviour, as he will always come and pick her up. She offered a Skype chat with him, but when she tried to book the call with him, he just slagged me off and was rude to her and refused to work with him.
I know my anger is unacceptable and I have tried many other ways of dealing with her moods and stubbornness when she doesn’t get her own way. Every weekend is ruined unless I give in to her.
Aside from on the rare occasion I lose it (which I know I need help with) any other suggestions on how to handle this behaviour?
To the people who have said I have issues with my ex, I’ve tried to be friends, but he has issues with me, he openly used to text me saying he had no desire to help me (when I asked for help with the kids) He has no respect for the fact I’ve brought them up alone, because it was my choice to leave him.
PS I’m not jealous at all of her schooling. I’m grateful. But very upset he hasn’t done the same for his other daughter.

My eldest daughter is grateful of everything we do, all our lovely holidays, the fact I work hard to provide for them.
She doesn’t constantly ask for things, she doesn’t throw a tantrum when I say no to something.
I have never lost my temper at all with her.
By the way my ex has a raging temper! He left my youngest alone in the house she pushed him to the limit. We all have them. I’m just not managing mine with her.

I agree with talking to your gp to get some help with your hormones, and counselling to help you deal with your emotions. You can't change how your daughter behaves, but you can change how you react to her.

Work out a different approach to access, start with just a day and build up to more when you are ready.

It's ok to not bend over backwards to make her happy during your time together, it's ok to say no to her if you need to. If she wants to call her dad to come and get her that's ok, don't get angry, you need to focus on stopping the cycle of constant fights with her.

You can change your relationship with her, but it will take time, you are the adult and will need to be the one to make the change. Good luck, you can do this!!

You need to sort yourself out. My mum was an absolute bitch to me when I became a teenager. Eventually I left too. Her excuse was always ‘but I can’t help it, I’ve got ishoooos’. Boo hoo. Be the adult, take responsibility and parent your child.

Dd1 has learnt to say the right things and get the praise. I doubt she is an angel but maybe her sister feels she will never live up to her.

I’ve been to see a counsellor who told me we had a family problem, she said that my daughter has created a drama triangle with her dad as the saviour, as he will always come and pick her up.

I’d see a different counsellor. Any professional who blames a child for their parents’ behaviour sounds dodgy.

It sounds as if your DD is trapped between two parents with a very dysfunctional relationship. She has to ‘favour’ her dad as his approval is conditional, and you resent and blame her for her relationship with him.

You’re both setting her up as a scapegoat for your own relationship conflict. Sort it out

I think you are getting a hard time here op. I don't think her dad sounds like he is doing the best he can at all. He should be cooperating in a reasonable manner with you to make sure that all the visiting arrangements regarding your DDS are upheld properly (same as you did when your youngest begged to be brought home from his house on Christmas Eve). Teens often try and play one parent off against the other and it requires parents to be rock solid and united in their response. That's difficult enough even when together. Your ex's behaviour has exacerbated the entire situation and made it much worse. I can see how enraging that would be because you feel very helpless and frustrated. So you have been cast in the role of evil mummy and your ex is fun protective daddy who is probably enjoying causing dissent all round. Your dd, despite being a willing participant, is actually a victim of the fallout.

So my advice would be to calm all the drama down. Get some support and advice for your anger and understandable frustration. You may have "lost" your dd temporarily but she is a very young teen. In time, if you remain calm, supportive and reasonable, and make it very clear to her that you love her to bits (teens tend to assume everyone must against them) then she will come to see that her dad's behaviour hadn't been fair at all (what loving father would fund one child's education in a private school and not the other?). She loves you and she will come back to you if you get support and don't make the situation worse (even though I understand you must feel really desperate right now). Play the long game IP and it will all come good.

Sorry op not ip!

You have to accept that when parents split up, children are often damaged. This is the harsh reality of it. That's not to say you shouldn't have split up but it does mean that you have to live with the consequences for your children and support them with their emotions for probably longer than you might imagine.

Your eldest child would have been older when you split up, therefore more able to deal with it. Your younger daughter less so. OP, you need to find more empathy for your child and feel less anger towards her. The situation she is in is of your (you and her dad) making, not hers. Truthfully, she probably feels like she has little control or power- hence trying to assert some. The fact that she seems to want to be with the parent she isn't with tells me that she is struggling.

She is living a long way from you, has changed schools and so probably also lost friends. She asked to watch a DVD with a mum that she doesn't live with and you flew off the handle to the extent that you wanted to kill all of you??? Come on OP. Grow up a bit.

She’s a little girl, a child and you’re not behaving as a reasonable parent.
You clearly favour the other child, you think it’s all the child’s fault and you scream at her and hit her.
You blame your hormones.
Never your fault is it?

Yesterday I took her and her friends to a music festival, something must have gone on with her friends but she took it out on me. Because I said I wouldn’t stay up to watch a film when we got back, she said she was calling her dad to come and pick her up. I tried to keep my cool but by the time we got to the car I totally lost it. I was so raging I could have crashed the car and killed us all. Not only that but I hit her on the arm.

I’ve just reread this. It seems like she was potentially v excited about the festival but ended up having friendship issues instead and so wanted to go home and watch a film with her mum. But you weren’t interested/available. Is it possible that she's Attempting to reach out for emotional support from you but being rejected and that’s why she’s then getting upset and running back to/phoning her dad, which you in turn then perceive as a rejection, creating your anger?

You clearly recognised she was upset when you picked her up. Did you offer any support/ask how she was? Why didn’t you want to watch a film with her?

Do you think you could focus on carving out some positive uninterrupted time with her where you could positively reinforce your relationship and really talk and listen? I suspect that if she doesn’t Live with you, and when she does visit, you reject her suggestions to spend time together, that she’s Potentially feeling pretty rejected herself.

I think you probably need to decide on what your rules are, stick to them calmly. If she says she wants her dad to pick her up tell her that you would much rather she stayed but don't get angry or upset. Don't allow her to use that to control you.

That's a bit harsh Cherrypavlova the op has said "she doesn't want to be this person" and "I just feel helpless and a terrible mother" . I think that is a recognition of her own failings in this situation.

You blame hormones.

What about DDs hormones? She’s 13.

You compare her to your eldest a lot. Is there a clear favourite child here and youngest DD is now old enough to notice and realise this?

Also you say she’s never grateful, she wanted to sit and a watch film with you (which costs fuck all)and you rejected her.

Yes a bit harsh but an awful amount of abdication of where responsibilities lie. I’m sure it’s hard; parenting is. That is not a young child’s fault. It’s easy to say you feel awful about your behaviour but the harder bit is changing your behaviour .
The behaviour that needs to change first is the patents. The child’s behaviour will follow on and improve when her mothers does.