Desperately need advice on my 13yr old DD who no longer lives with me!

[Pepsimiddleton159]

I’m completely at breaking point with my relationship with my DD.
I’ve brought her and her sister (16) up on my own for over 10 years. When I left their dad he moved to Birmingham to live with his new girlfriend, and so hasn’t really been of any parental support, and has tried to punish me over the years with money, and letting me down with childcare in the holidays.
Anyway, my youngest has always been moody and if things don’t go her way, we all suffer. She strops off, is horrible to me and I’m often not good at handling her. Many meals out and days out have been ruined by her mood shift.
When she got to 12 it got worse, and due to other things going on in my life I was trying to deal with I was even more at the end of my tether with my daughter. She always threatened to go and live with her dad. What really pushes my buttons is that when I tell her off, she calls her dad and tells him how horrible I am etc etc. This literally is like a red rag to a bull and if I’m hormonal it’s enough for me to lose my temper. This one day that exact thing happened and she called her dad and he picked her up while I was at work and she never moved back. So now she lives 90 miles away and goes to a private school and I rarely see her.
The problem still continues, in that when she comes here, I’m bending over backwards to please her, when things don’t go her way, the mood comes and the threats to go back to her dads and the phone calls to her dad to pick her up comes.
Yesterday I took her and her friends to a music festival, something must have gone on with her friends but she took it out on me. Because I said I wouldn’t stay up to watch a film when we got back, she said she was calling her dad to come and pick her up. I tried to keep my cool but by the time we got to the car I totally lost it. I was so raging I could have crashed the car and killed us all. Not only that but I hit her on the arm. I can’t cope at all with her behaviour or the upset it causes and I don’t want to be this person. I know it’s hormones that make me lose it, but I can’t do anything right to please this child. I am not her dad, I don’t have his money, I’m exhausted trying to please her when I shouldn’t need to buy her affection.
I just feel helpless and a terrible mother.
I want us to see a family counsellor but my ex doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with my daughter and I am not to take her to a ‘shrink’. I often go for NLP when I’m troubled, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m broken.

She seems to be crying out for time and attention.
Why didn't you want to watch the film with her? Did you offer to see it with her another time? Or explain why you didn't want to/couldn't see it when she wanted to?

I bet she was scared after your reaction. Did you apologise for how you reacted and reassure her?

Cherrypavlova When a poster says "I don't want to be this person" that surely indicates that they wish to change themselves.

It sounds as if your older daughter has developed the skills to survive living with an abusive parent. Don’t cause conflict, don’t dissent, don’t protest. Keep the abuser happy, be grateful your sister is the target and avoid getting in the way. Be the good girl.

I'm glad a few others have pucked up on the fact a 13 year old wanted to watch a film with her mum which costs nothing in money and tbh very little in energy you can just lie there and watch fairly passively and she was rejected.

You say your other daughter isn't like this is that because she has learnt never to ask anything of you even something as simple as watch a film with you.

I really do not understand why think it was ok to ignore and dismiss your daughters request to do something nice. Why your blaming it on friendship issues.

You seem to want to blame your daughter or your hormones. And say a counciller blames a child too. Woooooowie. Did they really or do you just take this as justification for your behaviour.

Taichipandas, perhaps but then I’d have expected them to say I’ve been to the GP to talk about my hormones and enrolled on a parenting teenagers course. No use telling the world how bad it is if you still blame the child and don’t actually DO anything to sort out the real source of the problem.

Unless OP hits everyone she disagrees with there is an entirely voluntary component to her behaviour. People tend not to want to spend time with people who screech and hit them.

If a man behaved this way towards his spouse but said they had ‘driven him to it’, he wanted to change but he couldn’t help it really, what would the consensus be? I suspect not to say poor chap, try and get your spouse to understand your boundaries. Your spouse shouldn’t be winding you up, mmmn not usually what people say, is it?

It’s also worrying that you lost control whilst in charge of other people’s children. ’I was so raging, I could have crashed the car and killed us all’ is a terrifying line.
The other children must have been afraid to be with you.

Wow, there are some very harsh responses on here.
Op, you have my sympathies. My dds, 17 and 15, are adopted, lots of issues, and very stroppy. I bend over backwards but nothing is ever good enough for them and yes, I’ve lost my temper with them at times because they’ve treated me like shit.
Oldest dd left home at 16 and says she now bitterly regrets it but we can only have limited contact as our relationship is difficult. Youngest dd is Jeckyll and Hyde. However I’m a single parent so neither can play one parent off against another.
I wish I had some answers.

Cherrypavlova I agree with almost everything you say but in your initial post you were blaming rather than suggesting parenting courses and gp visits.

Posters piling on the op one by one telling the op what a terrible mother she is when she already feels terrible is not going to help the situation. This site is meant to be supportive of parents when they post in frustration and desperation. Some posts like Veterinari's were incredibly constructive and helpful. Other posters (not referring to you in particular here Cherry) seem to take joy in kicking people when they are down. Its something I've noticed a lot on Mumsnet of late. I thought the op was brave to post what she did. It's getting to the point where no one can post about their parenting failings any more for fear of being piled on.

For example, few people appear to give anyone the benefit of the doubt any more . I'm sure the op can give her own reasons about why she refused to watch the film. The op had just collected her dd from a festival after all. That was a nice thing to do. Maybe it was late when they got back? Maybe she had to go to work early the next day?

I'm not saying shouting and hitting are ever acceptable responses to moody teen behaviour but has no one on here ever lost their rag out of frustration when trying to manoeuvre their way through a hard parenting situation?

Everyone brings different experiences to MN. Some of us have been in that position, as a child with a volatile, angry parent prone to rages and violence and shrieking words of blame. Trapped in a car with an infuriated driver.
She’s a child. Teenagers are difficult, some moreso than others. If you can’t cope, disengage. Stop trying for a while until you have control over yourself.

Yesterday I took her and her friends to a music festival, something must have gone on with her friends but she took it out on me. Because I said I wouldn’t stay up to watch a film when we got back, she said she was calling her dad to come and pick her up. I tried to keep my cool but by the time we got to the car I totally lost it. I was so raging I could have crashed the car and killed us all. Not only that but I hit her on the arm.

I don't get what you were so mad about here tbh. Kids wind us yes, but this is just typical kid/teen behaviour. You know that raging at her achieves nothing, you need to count to ten and leave the room. Say 'ok xxx, if that's what you'd prefer. I'd rather you stayed here though as I'll miss seeing you tomorrow.'

My son used to act up between his dad's house and ours. His counsellor said it was his way of testing if the rules had changed and if he'd be sent away/testing if he was wanted. He just wanted to know that even when he was away nothing had changed and his home life was the same no matter where he was.

His dad is a total dick too, and sounds like your ex has also done nothing to be amicable and get along for the sake of your kids. You can't rise to her behaviour, you have to just have a mental guard to it. Remember it's not personal. Respond very calmly and unaffected, tell her you love her and she can talk to you when she's ready. My son usually needed time on his own to calm down and would then come and talk.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell my daughter I can’t watch a film with her at 11:00pm?!
How is that refusing me her time? I’d done everything she wanted to do since 6am including taking her to two car boot sales (her request) and taking her and her friend to a music festival. No child should be up that late watching movies.

This literally is like a red rag to a bull and if I’m hormonal it’s enough for me to lose my temper. This one day that exact thing happened and she called her dad and he picked her up while I was at work and she never moved back.

You talk about 'hormones' and 'temper', I'm wondering what your actual actions were that caused her to literally flee and not return whilst you were at work. I'm guessing yesterday wasn't the first time you've been violent to her?

Thank you to the people that have shown support. I am perfectly able to recognise my own failings which is why I have sought help, and actually am sat in my GP whilst I speak.
But as someone else kindly pointed out, you need a supportive ex, not someone who has belittled you for 10 years yet hasn’t been there for a single sports day etc etc.
It’s tough juggling teens and a job.
I don’t favour the eldest over the youngest. If anything the youngest has commanded far more attention and the dramas have affected her. She’s always getting told she wishes she was dead etc.
I love my children equally, I have treated them equally. But I do think the split has affected the youngest more.
There’s 4 parties involved her and all their thoughts and feelings. My ex will have guilt for not being there for his kids and never taking them on holiday as he only takes his wife, my youngest has all her hormones and she will no doubt have issues having not had a dad around.
As someone else pointed out, kids are able to manipulate things and her dad gives her everything. I don’t agree with half the things he gives her. He treats her differently to my eldest.
My eldest said she can’t imagine not living with me. They both have my support and even when they are difficult I always tell them I love them more than anything.
When my youngest says she hates me, I reply with - well that’s a shame because I love you.
Someone pointed out to me recently that you can’t parent all your children the same as what works for one won’t work for the other. I’m still trying to find out what works my youngest. It’s so exasperating.

That's good advice to disengage Downbytheriverside I have been on the receiving end of a shouting parent waving a wooden spoon and it's very unpleasant. Nowadays I am confronted with a teen who can be delightful one minute and screaming hateful words the next. Both situations deserve understanding.

Can I just add, that when you flare up when she's lashing out, it just confirms for her that you're unreasonable and she's justified in being aggro with you. You've got to try and not react angrily, even if you feel like you might spontaneously combust.

Hand hold to op
There is another good thread with lots of advice
Holding onto the rope it's in the teenager section.

My dd doesn't say a lot of hateful thing just that she wants to run away if she doesn't get what she want's. But as of yet she hasn't follow through.
Sometimes it's better to just give them the silent treatment when they are in a mood.
I had to start taking Ad's for my own mental health to try and get through the teenage years.
You are not alone we all struggle at times unless we have the perfect family.
I would let her stay a few weekends with her dad as well as during the week and maybe the novelty would wear off if he is in complete control of all the worrying where she is.

To glitchstitch,
We have had a difficult 8 months, my grandma had a bad fall, my mum was ill, then my grandma died, my eldest was struggling with her GCSE’s and I had to sell my mums house and find her somewhere cheaper to live as her mortgage was up, and I had to get my daughter some tutors. It was pretty stressful. Whilst all this was going on my youngest really started playing up, refusing to go to school one day, she was always scowling. I had recognised something was wrong and tried to talk to her but she couldn’t explain it. She also says she hates her sister and my boyfriend. From my point of view I think she was demanding attention as clearly my attention was on my mum, gran and sister and I started a new job fairly recently which was more senior and I was on probation. It wasn’t an easy time. When my youngest starts a drama, her sister steps in to back me up as the second parent. This then winds her up as she feels ganged up on. I’ve had words many times with my eldest to try not to do this.
Up until New Year she hadn’t even wanted to go to her dads. He let me down on New Year’s Day when he was meant to meet me to pick them up. She was relieved as she had been texting me all morning from her mates house begging me not to send her.

Thank you McMen71
Since this has happened to me, I’ve come across 2 friends whose daughters went to live with their dads in their teens. And also 3 different friends who themselves ran off to live with their dads in their teens!
Doctor has given me AD’s for PMS. Showed me some studies that show it improves with a low dosage.
I’ll check out the other threads on teenagers. I know I’m not alone!

OP

I know this is tough for you, but a lot of your posts are about making excuses for your own behaviour and scapegoating your DD. If it’s coming across on here you can be certain that she’s feeling it.

How much quality time do you actually spend with her one on one? When you take to things eg car boot - how engaged are you? Or are you just a reluctant taxi driver?
It sounds like you’re keeping tabs on all the things that you do for your DD but your resentment around her lack of gratitude is clear. Have you ever thought that what she’s actually doing is bidding for your attention and that you're Both ending up frustrated and disappointed when that doesn't Work? I strongly suggest carving out some quality time with your daughter before you drive her away. Your own behaviour is dangerous and abusive but you can improve this. You need to work on your own behaviour before you can support her to work on your mutual relationship.

What is your youngest DD’s relationship like with your boyfriend?

Ok in response to people’s comments:
Reason I didn’t watch a dvd with her - it was 11pm and she was on the phone to her dad telling him she wanted me to pick her up because there was no point in her being there.
I am a lone parent of two children. If you read my posts I acknowledged she needed attention, but I am not super woman! I have a full time job, I had my grandma in hospital after a fall who then went on to pass away, and my mum was Ill, and I had to put her house on the market, sell it for her and help her buy a new house. And my eldest daughter was doing her GCSE’s.
My kids have not been brought up in an abusive household. They have had a mum who left a good job, and retrained so she could work part time to be there at school picks ups, sports days, parents evenings etc. I’ve taught them everything, riding a bike, took them to karate lessons until they were both black belts.
I have taken them on amazing holidays where they have swam with stingrays, gone though jungles to reach waterfalls, they’ve been to more countries and had experiences that other children haven’t.
Yes, I suffer from bad PMS but not all the time. In terms of lashing out badly, that’s the fifth time in 15 years it’s happened and 2 of those occasions were towards my boyfriend.
In terms of quality time with my youngest that’s what I’m trying to do. I plan things for us for the weekend, the reason her mates came to the festival was because she wanted them there.
My youngest has always demanded more attention. In fact up to age 11 she was hilarious, she made us laugh all the time. If anything you’d have said I gave her more attention than her sister.
My eldest has had to sacrifice things because my youngest kicks off if we didn’t do what she wants. Her behaviour a lot of the time is not good. For example, I said she couldn’t have a McDonald’s on Saturday as we were on our way to my mums. (I’d just spent the morning shopping with her) When I said no, she pulled a face and shouted at me that if I didn’t get her a cheeseburger that I should drop her off home and she wasn’t coming to grandmas. Are you all seriously telling me that this stubborn demanding behaviour is acceptable? That’s not a cry for attention, it’s selfish.
The reason I’m only replying to your comments now is because we did watch the dvd she wanted to watch, last night, at a reasonable time not 11pm. We also made fajitas and popcorn etc.
Also, because of her unreasonable behaviour when it’s just me, her and her sister on holiday, and I can’t cope with her stropping off because there isn’t anything she wants to eat on the buffet or whatever it is, I booked two holidays this year so that both girls get quality time with me. My youngest is coming on a royal Caribbean cruise, I’ve already upgraded our package so she can have a steak dinner (her fave) And priority access on the zip line etc.
We are also going to the cinema tonight and Alton towers on Thursday. But I know it STILL won’t be enough, and at some point I will have to say no I’m not buying something and the phone will come out and she will call her dad moaning that I’m a horrible mum.
Historically her dad has not supported me, he would love to have seen me in the gutter. He gets off on me having a hard time.
To all the people giving me a hard time, the reason I made the post in the first place was because I was devastated I had behaved like that. I was frightened and upset.
My friends all tell me I’m amazing, I’ve juggled so much and kept my kids in a nice house, what was a good school and they don’t go without. But yes, I agree they could both have done with more of my time the last year. But I’m only human, supporting my mum and my eldest had to take priority.
My ex husband hasn’t been around much in 10 years. Working abroad. Moving 90 miles away etc. Never taking much of an interest in their schooling. Then bang, I have a row with my youngest and he comes and takes her whilst I’m at work. Have you any idea of the trauma of coming home to not know where your child is? My eldest and I were out of our minds. He literally took her without telling us and never brought her back. My eldest cocked up two GCSE practical exams because she kept breaking down at school.
It’s been a rough ride. I don’t need sympathy, I don’t need criticism, I’m perfectly able to recognise that I need help but my youngest needs help to. And I was crying out for support on how to deal with a stubborn teenager who throws huge tantrums when things don’t go her way.

Oh someone asked what her relationship is like with my boyfriend.
Well she hates him, obviously, unless he is bringing her sweets then she likes him.
Her dad is married. I asked her why it was ok for her dad to have his wife, but it wasn’t ok for me to have anyone and she said it was different because they were married! But on the other hand she used to text me saying ‘why did dad have to marry such a horrible woman’
I’m in a lose lose situation.
My boyfriend doesn’t come round much when she is here.

As for the reluctant taxi driver comment, that’s really unfair. I love a car boot sale, it’s the one thing she loves doing with me.
I’m just gobsmacked that people think her stamping her feet and stropping because I won’t do something is acceptable because I’ve not given her enough quality time??
Saturday I drove to pick her up, took her shopping then we had to see my mum so I could set up her router and tv, then we were invited to my friends for her kids party, we got there and she didn’t want to be there (after she said she did) so we left she went home and watched a dvd.
Sunday - up at 6, 2 car boot sales, home, lunch, get ready, pick her mates up, go to a festival. Home at 11pm.
I’ve done no cleaning or washing this weekend yet I’m still being told I’m not spending enough quality time with her. I’ve not even seen her sister!

In terms of lashing out badly, that’s the fifth time in 15 years it’s happened and 2 of those occasions were towards my boyfriend.

So three were towards your children? What do you mean by ‘lashing out badly’.? If it is behaviour similar to how you reacted in the car, that isn’t normal. It is abusive behaviour. It doesn’t matter how many holidays you took your children on, that doesn’t change that.

By the way, I’m not seeking gratitude from my youngest, I love doing things with them both. I’m a firm believer that memories are more important than objects. But it’s a constant smack in the face when you have spent time and money doing things for your youngest, for her to then call her dad and says she hates you and wants picking up, just because I’ve put my foot down and said no to buying something or doing something. It’s very hurtful. And that’s why I feel like shit.
Their dad doesn’t even take them on holiday.
I’m struggling here in a very difficult family dynamic that I would love to improve.
I’ve been passed the details of another family counsellor so i’ll give him a try.

Lumene,
You are very lucky that you don’t suffer from PMS. It’s horrible. It’s irrational and uncontrollable. But I’ve been to the GP now as Sunday nights was the worst.