Desperately need advice on my 13yr old DD who no longer lives with me!

[Pepsimiddleton159]

I’m completely at breaking point with my relationship with my DD.
I’ve brought her and her sister (16) up on my own for over 10 years. When I left their dad he moved to Birmingham to live with his new girlfriend, and so hasn’t really been of any parental support, and has tried to punish me over the years with money, and letting me down with childcare in the holidays.
Anyway, my youngest has always been moody and if things don’t go her way, we all suffer. She strops off, is horrible to me and I’m often not good at handling her. Many meals out and days out have been ruined by her mood shift.
When she got to 12 it got worse, and due to other things going on in my life I was trying to deal with I was even more at the end of my tether with my daughter. She always threatened to go and live with her dad. What really pushes my buttons is that when I tell her off, she calls her dad and tells him how horrible I am etc etc. This literally is like a red rag to a bull and if I’m hormonal it’s enough for me to lose my temper. This one day that exact thing happened and she called her dad and he picked her up while I was at work and she never moved back. So now she lives 90 miles away and goes to a private school and I rarely see her.
The problem still continues, in that when she comes here, I’m bending over backwards to please her, when things don’t go her way, the mood comes and the threats to go back to her dads and the phone calls to her dad to pick her up comes.
Yesterday I took her and her friends to a music festival, something must have gone on with her friends but she took it out on me. Because I said I wouldn’t stay up to watch a film when we got back, she said she was calling her dad to come and pick her up. I tried to keep my cool but by the time we got to the car I totally lost it. I was so raging I could have crashed the car and killed us all. Not only that but I hit her on the arm. I can’t cope at all with her behaviour or the upset it causes and I don’t want to be this person. I know it’s hormones that make me lose it, but I can’t do anything right to please this child. I am not her dad, I don’t have his money, I’m exhausted trying to please her when I shouldn’t need to buy her affection.
I just feel helpless and a terrible mother.
I want us to see a family counsellor but my ex doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with my daughter and I am not to take her to a ‘shrink’. I often go for NLP when I’m troubled, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m broken.

Gazelda,
I said 11pm is too late to watch a DVD and I needed to sleep as I’m up for work at 6.

Papergirl1968
I feel your pain!
My eldest when she was 14, had friends who decided to self harm and dress like boys, I had to deal with that and luckily she moved away from that friendship group.
It’s awful isn’t it how teenagers treat us like shit. Although my eldest has recognised when she is doing it and apologises.
I don’t lose my shit all the time, in fact when I came home on NYE having let my eldest have a party, and found my Christmas tree on the roof, I was incredibly calm!!
I’m actually calm 95% of the time.
I’m glad you understand how tough it is, and hats off to you for adopting and giving some children a home xx

She is pushing your buttons because she is hurting. Taking her anger out on the one who does/ did most for her.
What age was she when you split ?
It appears to have affected her deeply
Would counselling help ?

Thanks Taichi Panda. I thought this was a support group too.

You need some distance from your youngest at the moment and you have been physically abusive, driven dangerously and then attempted to blame her for it because shes is moody and ungrateful - you say it got worse at 12, well she's just being a teenager. Your eldest has learnt coping strategies by adjusting her own behaviour in an effort to manage yours. Do not take this as a sign that she is good and your youngest is bad. It's actually just a sign that she has developed awful yet effective strategies. I suspect you wont believe it but wait and see what partner she chooses as they will likely have your worst traits. You can turn this around. Visit your GP and get help. Accept that you are the adult and most of the issue without blaming your children for age appropriate behaviour. Acknowledge that your youngest is currently best placed with her father and that once you work on yourself you can rebuild your relationship with her. Also checkout the empowerment triangle as it works on the same premise as the drama triangle but looks at changing the victim, rescuer and perpetrator; so the victim becomes the creator (of their own life and solutions) for example.

Hi @Pepsi I’ll second the ‘holding on to the rope’ thread in teenagers section mentioned by @mcmen71 upthread, I don’t post there much anymore but it certainly helped me put my own head into perspective after 5 years of being treated like this.

I really feel for you that it’s kicked in so early but it sounds like you’ve all had so much to deal with.

As for how to deal with her going onwards, you clearly can’t fight the calling dad as a means of controlling you, so go with it. The second the phone comes out just say, ‘oh that’s a shame I was looking forward to doing xyz with you when we got home, or oh dear we were going to go to breakfast tomorrow morning. Don’t lose it with her and don’t pander to her. Ignore her if she tries to strop it out with you just offer her the love and support when she’s ready for it.

Above all look after yourself, I’m glad you are at the gp, hope he can help. Unfortunately whatever you are trying to cope with, she won’t care so come on here for the support.

Teenagers live very much in the moment so even if you bought her the Crown Jewels in the morning that cheeseburger is the only thing that matters there and then so don’t try and point score with every thing else you’ve done as again she won’t care, she will remember it later though.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3584550-Holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-Po-Ts-where-parenting-a-teen-is-having-an-adverse-effect-on-our-mental-health?pg=31

Do hormones really make you hit someone? It sounds like an excuse to me.
What about female teachers, hormones don't seem to affect them and push them into abusive behaviour.

My dm was like you, I ended up living with various other family members and then care.

My relationship with my dm has never fully recovered. We aren't close, and although she has apologised to me and she is in my life, it's not as much as she would like and she lives with the guilt, even now almost 20 years later.

Ar the time she would also say it was my fault and my sister and brother were good and she was nice to them so it must have been me. She's lonely now, my sister and brother were only good because they were scared that they would be treated like me. Sort it out before it becomes irreparable.

Next time she threatens to call her dad, is there any possibility of you saying “OK dear, if you think that would help” and just leaving her to it? Because it sounds like she’s learned that’s the best way to piss you off.

Some of your posts come across a bit like “But we took you to stately homes” (“but I took you to swim with sting rays!”). But it’s hard to tell exactly what’s at the bottom of it all.

I hope the ADs help the PMS.

@Pepsimiddleton159

We’ve all responded based on the information that you gave us. None of us knew your backstory, what you’d tried or what your relationship with your DD is like. None of us are mind-readers.

You’ve updated with several long posts of relevant information but are now complaining that you didn’t!t receive the support you expected at a time when all the info we had as to go on was that you physically assaulted your child and almost crashed a car with rage.

The responses you received reflected the information that you posted.

One Constant thing in all of your communications is your absolute lack of taking responsibility for your actions (or lack of), your lack of responsibility for any aspect of your relationship difficulties, your unwillingness to engage with constructive advice, your focus on materialistic items, and your poor communication combined with your expectations of others just to ‘know’ things and support you regardless. If you convey these attributes to relationship with your DD then i’m entirely unsurprised that your relationship is poor.

And I absolutely agree that a lot of your posts reflect the ‘but we took you to..’ attitude that seems to reflect a belief that ‘stuff’ is a substitution for ‘care’

I think you are getting a hard time here too OP. Hitting is obviously not right but there is a difference between a one off slap of frustration and repeated beatings. If it was a one off and you are more than aware it was wrong, you are not an abusive parent, this is an extremely difficult and frustrating situation and it got the better of you. You can't allow it to happen again and I don't doubt you won't.

I know how you feel, it's hard being the parent who doesn't spoil the kid rotten in a separated parents situation once the kid wises up to it and uses it to their advantage. It feels like there's nothing you can do, and there isn't - even if you bend to their every demand they would just make more and more until you physically couldn't afford to accommodate them. At an immature age they're always going to prioritise who lets them get away with most and gives them the most treats over who loves them and nurtured them.

I honestly think the only way you can get her to stop holding the dad card over you is to just stop letting her think you will fall apart if she plays it. Let her go if you have to, spend some time enjoying DD1 away from the conflict, let DD2 know she is loved and welcome to come home but there are rules she needs to respect and threatening to leave won't change them. As she grows up, as long as she knows you did not want her to leave and have a home waiting for her, her perspective will probably change.

Or, if you really don't want to her to go, remind her she is a child and does not get to dictate who shows up at your house and takes her away. Whichever approach you take, it needs to be calm, because she is using your fear of losing her to manipulate you and that's not an attractive trait for a young teenager to be developing. She'd be better off at her dads than learning to be that sort of person.

I think that you need a new response to her threats to call Dad. She might use the threat less if you agree without emotion and let her go back to his. She's probably fully aware what your reaction will be if she says the words. Not reacting means those hurtful words lose their power.

I agree with the above

You can’t change her, you can only change how you react to her.

‘Here DD let me call your Dad for you’
‘DD are you going back to dads now because I need to get some sleep’
DD we can’t go to the movies, shall i call your dad now?

Think how you’d react to a friend in these situations. You wouldn’t shout or scream you’d be calm and ignore.

Tonight’s update:
Went to the cinema, had a lovely evening.
Left cinema, eldest daughter tells me she is staying at her mates again! I really want her to come home and spend some time with her sister as their relationship is awful. So because she is refusing to come home, now my youngest is in a mood. (Rejection) and now taking it out on me. Also I wouldn’t go to Asda at quarter to ten to buy crunchie ice cream so that pissed her off.
I just feel helpless with these two. I’m now sat on my own with my youngest refusing to speak to me, and a 16yr old refusing to come home. And now refusing to go and stay at her dads.
And yes I am calm. But I am devestated. Please get these teenage years over with. My girls hate each other and I have zero control over them.
I really don’t want to take them out on Thursday as I know they will end up arguing and I’ll end up crying or shouting.
Thanks AE18!
You’ve obviously been there too!
I’m assuming the comments from people being critical haven’t been single parents to teenagers.
I called my friend tonight to ask her to apologise to her daughter for me for my rage on Sunday night in the car. She said don’t worry, that her daughter had wound her up that much on the school run that she could’ve ran her over she was that mad!
These girls really know how to push our buttons.
I just want a happy family life. Instead I’ve had two daughters who hate each other.
I’m exhausted.
I need to get us all to a family counsellor but my ex won’t let me youngest go now she lives with him.

The reason I posted about the things we do, is because there were comments saying I don’t spend any time with her.
I don’t care for stuff, I care for shared experiences, hence the stingray swim etc.
I actually wish I hadn’t posted this. When I wrote it, I was distraught. I was being honest and looking for some helpful advice. There have been some comments which have been helpful, but there really isn’t any need to kick someone when they are down. As I have pointed out many times I completely understand my issues, no need for people to keep saying I’m not accepting responsibility, doesn’t anyone acknowledge my points that I have been for counselling? I’ve been to the doctors. My main issue is trying to break a cycle of behaviour we are all in and which isn’t working.

Greentulips, yes agreed, it’s an NLP technique, changing how I react because I can’t change he behaviour.
Her dad lives 90 miles away.
She’s on the phone to him before I could even say “should I call your dad for you?” Although it was already on my mind to try that if I got the chance, so thank you.
I just wish we could have some time together that didn’t end with her getting stroppy and spoiling it.
I’m actually dreading taking her on holiday. At least she can’t get her dad to pick her up if I say no to something!

Thanks @billybagpuss.
I’ll check that thread out.
You’re right about the Crown Jewels thing!

So I tried to talk to the girls dad last night.
He said my youngest is exactly like him and only he knows how to handle her because she is him. How he is a sociopath and so is she. (He says this like being a sociopath is something to be proud of and how if he wasn’t a sociopath he wouldn’t be so successful) That her behaviour is all my fault as she lives with me. How the kids don’t have any respect for me because I’m emotional and they know the outcome. How they have respect for him because they are shit scared of him and they aren’t scared of me. (I don’t want my kids to be scared of me)
Obviously because he is a sociopath he doesn’t give a shit about me only his kids. Refused point blank to accept that his attitude towards me and him not wanting to work with me as a parent until now, might also have affected our children (the kids often repeat things that could only have come from an adult) and to be honest I’m guilty as well of saying things, because dealing with a sociopath when you are an empath is basically the same as banging your head on the wall.
He refuses point blank to let me bring her with me to a family counsellor as it’s only me that’s fucked up and my problem is that I go to other people to solve my problems.
Said my other daughter is a chav and it’s my fault she wears fake tan. (I don’t buy it her, I don’t encourage her to go out looking like an Oompa Loompa but she does) I’ve told him I can’t stop her wearing make up and with kids you have to choose your battles, he said she’s a conformist and morphs into her friends. Isn’t this true of lots of teenagers who are trying to find out who they are?
Anyway, end of the story is basically I’m a shit parent, everything is my fault, if they’d been in his care they would both be privately educated and wouldn’t be disrespectful towards me and wouldn’t be wearing fake tan and make up.
(Except that up until recently he couldn’t have afforded two educations, and wouldn’t have been able to build his business if he had looked after them as a lone parent - refused to acknowledge this)
I totally take on board that their behaviour is shaped partly because of me. But that also includes all the good things about them.
Oh and apparently I only took them to swimming lessons and karate and on all these holidays because I care about how people see me as a parent not because I actually wanted them to learn to swim or defend themselves. It was all about me looking good 🙄
So now I need to swot up on sociopaths.
I’m never going to get him to change his opinion of me, and it doesn’t matter to me as I’m I don’t care for his opinion because it’s not all true. But it does affect me because over time it’s almost made me believe it, and that has had an impact on the kids.
It’s a vicious circle I have to find a way to break my habits. I can’t change his opinion.
After he’d finished telling me what a great parent he was, he told me he wasn’t arrogant. At that point I started laughing and said good night.
How on Earth we ended up married is beyond me.

@blackcat86
I’ll check out the empowerment triangle now.
My eldest and youngest both adjust their behaviour. When one of them is being difficult and they can see me getting stressed, the other one is then really well behaved. Like good cop bad cop.
When my mum used to have them whilst I was at work, they would be good as gold, the minute I walked in to pick them up, they would start fighting each other. I know these are all attention seeking behaviours.
If we go out for the day or for a meal, they start bickering with each other. If we sit and have dinner at home, and I’m trying to engage in a normal dinner conversation, they will wind each other up until one of them leaves the table. If this behaviour is my fault, I have no idea what I’ve done in bringing them up that’s created the animosity between them or their need to get my attention. I gave up my job and went back to college for 2 years so I could work from home part time, so I could be there at drop off and pick up and sports days etc. And do their homework and have friends for tea.
I’m far from perfect, no one is, but I’ve worked hard and mostly tried my best, and often under very difficult circumstances, but unless I can work out what has created this, how can I change it and make it better?
Feel so worthless right now. 16 years of lone parenting and still can’t get it right.

It sounds like a real tangle op. My teen is very similar at the moment- endless rejection plus demands for food and outings. Things that help are being around other families and having clear rules, and disengaging from any wind-up argument. In the car, you can decide to stop driving (safely!) and deal with it later. Obviously it would also help if ex agreed not to swoop in and ‘rescue’her - that’s really unhelpful.

You're absolutely right that you need to get to the route of the issues before moving forward. Bickering siblings are totally normal as are kids 'playing up' with their mum but magically behaving fine for others. Is there a 3rd party adult that the DDs trust and could talk to - maybe a cool aunt or family friend that they would be open with about what's going on from their point of view? I can sense a little undercurrent of resentment that you feel that you've done the right things to be there for your DCs but the reality isn't meeting your expectations. Could you start getting out and doing more for yourself now they're older? We changed other people's behaviour but we can change our own and have that be a catalyst for greater transformation.

Kids of divorced parents seem to get sooooo much given to them. My kids (nondivorced parents) spent weekends with friends at that age and didn't get bought icecream, taken on cruises etc etc etc.
And I didn't do much with them cos they were with their friends, or lolling in front of tv with siblings.
I think you should have counselling as you have ten tons of stored up anger and disappointment (not surprising due to DH) and you need to find somewhere you can vent that. And stop giving things to make DD happy, things wont' work, a stable home would be best. And if DD wants to destabilise it by going to her DFs then let her go, I don't see that you ranting or trying to stop her will work. And cut contact with DF. DDs horrible behaviour will pass, teens can be dire.

OP

Please seek out some proper counselling for yourself. Not NLP but proper therapy. You don’t Have to attend as a family. I think you need to explore strategies for putting up proper boundaries with your ex and for venting your own frustration

@QueenBeee
In my care, my kids would be like you said, out with mates etc. But in their dads care they have no mates where he lives, so has indulged them with purchases. I indulge the holidays as I get to enjoy making memories which are far more valuable in my opinion.
My eldest doesn’t care for objects and shopping. But my youngest is heavily influenced by sports cars, the latest ipohone (she has an iPhone X that her dad gave her). I try to balance it out by doing car boot sales to show her how little things are really worth and we also buy things there and she loves it.
Because she isn’t living with me, I can se myself falling into the trap of ‘buying her’ to stop the tantrums.