Desperately need advice on my 13yr old DD who no longer lives with me!

[Pepsimiddleton159]

I’m completely at breaking point with my relationship with my DD.
I’ve brought her and her sister (16) up on my own for over 10 years. When I left their dad he moved to Birmingham to live with his new girlfriend, and so hasn’t really been of any parental support, and has tried to punish me over the years with money, and letting me down with childcare in the holidays.
Anyway, my youngest has always been moody and if things don’t go her way, we all suffer. She strops off, is horrible to me and I’m often not good at handling her. Many meals out and days out have been ruined by her mood shift.
When she got to 12 it got worse, and due to other things going on in my life I was trying to deal with I was even more at the end of my tether with my daughter. She always threatened to go and live with her dad. What really pushes my buttons is that when I tell her off, she calls her dad and tells him how horrible I am etc etc. This literally is like a red rag to a bull and if I’m hormonal it’s enough for me to lose my temper. This one day that exact thing happened and she called her dad and he picked her up while I was at work and she never moved back. So now she lives 90 miles away and goes to a private school and I rarely see her.
The problem still continues, in that when she comes here, I’m bending over backwards to please her, when things don’t go her way, the mood comes and the threats to go back to her dads and the phone calls to her dad to pick her up comes.
Yesterday I took her and her friends to a music festival, something must have gone on with her friends but she took it out on me. Because I said I wouldn’t stay up to watch a film when we got back, she said she was calling her dad to come and pick her up. I tried to keep my cool but by the time we got to the car I totally lost it. I was so raging I could have crashed the car and killed us all. Not only that but I hit her on the arm. I can’t cope at all with her behaviour or the upset it causes and I don’t want to be this person. I know it’s hormones that make me lose it, but I can’t do anything right to please this child. I am not her dad, I don’t have his money, I’m exhausted trying to please her when I shouldn’t need to buy her affection.
I just feel helpless and a terrible mother.
I want us to see a family counsellor but my ex doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with my daughter and I am not to take her to a ‘shrink’. I often go for NLP when I’m troubled, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m broken.

@Veterinari agreed. That conversation with my ex was a bit of an eye opener. I’ve always considered him a narcissist. But a sociopath is a whole different level, and yes I am absolutely frustrated! Over 10 years of it (separated) and of course I was with him for 7. And he worked away so I was alone with the kids anyway.
The NLP has really helped over the tears, but I’ve done NLP for other reasons, relationship issues, personal issues about myself to resolve, getting the right job etc.
But I think something else might be in order for this. I have private healthcare, I need to dig out the policy booklet and see what help I can get through there.

@blackcat86 I do get out quite a lot. Much easier now I only have one teen in my care.
You’re right about my family life not meeting my expectations!

@QueenBeee
Cutting contact with DF...
Oh I try. And it’s much better when I don’t have contact. But the mother in me who wants what’s best for us all, who wants us to work in a team, keeps going back to him. Now he’s admitted he’s a sociopath, I know nothing I say will ever make a difference. And to stop trying.

Obviously your younger daughters behaviour is inadequate but she is a child. What is your excuse? You clearly can’t control your daughter but you can control yourself. Just stop reacting, if you can’t control yourself through will power alone then seek medical help. If you receive her brattiness with grace and patience thennobe day she may grow up and realise how wrong she was. If you scream at her, hit her etc then that’s all she’ll remember.

@bogglesgoggles.
I don’t and didn’t shout at her all the time. I actually know that the best way to deal with her is to ignore her. But I am only human. The ability to stay calm 100% of the time is difficult. And the worse her behaviour got, the harder I found it. I had to walk away from her refusing to go to school although I had spoken to her sternly about the ramifications of her not going.
She most likely will only remember the times I’ve shouted. And not the other times.

People can learn to be completely calm or walk away if they try. I completely sympathise, I get shouty when I am anxious too, but I am doing something about it. Bring human isn’t an excuse, I know humans who never shout. You need to recognise what you can control instead of setting yourself up to fail.

Your DD sounds very much like my best friends DD - right down to the obsession with the latest gadgets and nothing ever being enough for her. Most teens are a bit of a pain anyway, I love DS but at 13 gawd he's a selfish toe rag and it is hard to keep calm sometimes.

I think you just need to keep working at the NLP and detachment. See if you can get something for your PMT - I now don't have any breakthrough bleeding because I take the pill all month due to endometriosis so is that an option?

Labelling a 12 year old as a sociopath is unhelpful. Why are you listening to your ex ? You know that nothing good can come of the conversation so cut calls as short as you can and discuss logistics only.

@rookiemere
My ex labelled her a sociopath as in his words “she is him” except that of course she is also has my genes. And she’s still a child.
I agree, speaking to my ex is not helpful. It actually makes me feel worse. I keep thinking we can work together, but we can’t.
The last counsellor I saw said his words are just words not facts. Try not to dwell on them.
I try so hard to use my NLP when it comes to my ex. But it’s so emotive, my emotions take over. I get frustrated and angry and upset. My behaviour is so disappointing. I’m such a strong person in so many ways, but somehow I let him under my skin.

So it sounds like you have great self awareness of why you are behaving in a certain way and what your triggers are.

The tricky bit appears to be how to recognise when you're about to hit a trigger and alter your response.

With your ex you know that conversations with him will not be helpful. There may be occasions when you absolutely have to speak to him, but where possible just avoid it. If you get a call then let him leave a message so you have time to respond and always do by non verbal communication where you can.

With your DDs I think you need more realistic expectations. teens are stroppy ungrateful creatures that's in the job description. Can you try to lower expectations and stop sweating the small stuff? Like does it really matter if eldest DD came over today in grand scheme of things ?

What do you think to going to the doctors about your pmt ?

So it sounds like you have great self awareness of why you are behaving in a certain way and what your triggers are

I disagree with this, the OP thinks she knows why she gets stroppy and cross, but only because that suits her current narrative (to herself)

OP if you really want to change then a good starting point is to have a long hard look at your own behaviour and ask yourself if your DD is reflecting this back to you ?

@rookiemere
I went to the doctors about my PMS, she gave me some low dose AD’s which have been reported to help alleviate severe symptoms of PMS. In talking to my mum, she said she also went to her GP when she was a similar age to me as she felt she could ‘knife someone’ 🙈 (I’m still alive)
I’ve spoken to my healthcare policy provider and they are sending me a list of counsellors I can choose from.
Going to sit down with both of my girls tonight and see if we can discuss things. Might try that technique with a ‘talking stick’ as I have to admit I talk more than I listen sometimes.

OP, I'm confused. Does your youngest live with you or her DF? You mention in your post of 0633 that she lives with you?

Regardless, her df is a shit and I'm so sorry that you've had to battle him while your girls grow up.

But I do think you owe it to yourself as much as your DDs to seek proper counselling. Make it a priority to check if your healthcare insurance covers it.

My DC isn't a teen yet, and I'm aware that we'll no doubt face dramas over those years. Your DC can't rely on their DF to steer them happily through their teens, so could you and the girls go to family counselling as a threesome?

@Gazelda she went to live with her dad in Feb, I have her for a few days this week. She’s going back tomorrow.
My ex is refusing to allow her to go to counselling, he says she is like him so she won’t go or listen to anyone else.
However, I think I will go and have some sessions (I’m covered) and then look at taking the other girls when the youngest is in my care. Not much he can do about it then.
I also see a reiki healer now and again, and my eldest has been and found it really helped. I’ve touched on this with my youngest, and I think she might agree to that. All I know is, we have over 10 years of damage to fix. It won’t happen over night x

OP things like NLP and reiki are nice ‘therapies’ that may make you feel better as they give you ‘time out’ but there’s zero evidence that they actually work. You need proper help and you’ll only get that if you use proper therapies that are known to work

I think the fact that you’re having these ongoing issues is testament to how little these ‘therapies’ have actually given you any tools to deal with your ongoing issues

You need to learn how to de-escalate your emotions. Try doing mindfulness meditation. Your ex is out of your life now, he's clearly not going to co-parent effectively. It's now about accepting that rather than listening to his rubbish and getting upset. Don't get drawn into this drama.