Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Good morning and welcome to newcomers!

Mango373 sorry you are going through all of that, you must be worried sick. There are others on here going through similar things who I'm sure will be along to advise soon. Although it is not what you wanted to hear, it is very much a positive that you and your dd are talking.

Randallandhopkirkreborn I could have written virtually every word of your post and identify with the growling dog comparison! It is very wearying isn't it? I feel beaten down by it too.

Whoopigoldberg'scat probably not everyone's approach, but I personally favour taking any declaration of a MH issue face on (even if you are doubtful it's true fyswim) taking them at their word. That way you haven't ignored it if it is true ifyswim and they have to face the consequences of lying about it if not. Much easier said than done though.

So happy to hear you escaped for a night Tinkobell yay! And yes, builders have gone for now, until the next time, thank heavens. (Managing two renovation projects currently which is not good for the stress levels!)

Glad to hear your week has been better Historysock! Hope the Spice Girl experience banished a bit of the "foulness" too! Wasn't one of their songs about their relationship with their mothers iirc?

Again, you are not alone raisinsraisins (and again, isn't it interesting on here the number of dads who miss taking the brunt of the verbal aggression like we do). Kicking you is not on and I hope her dad stood up for you then

And yy to the eternal dilemma wrt how much we keep on at them v maintaining the relationship. Personally, I've gone for the former because she seems to hate me when I back off just as much as when I don't, so it doesn't make much difference! But I do worry about our long term relationship if I'm honest. Not only her coming back around to us and giving us the benefit of the doubt once in a while, but because - again being very open - I have started to feel a little nub of resentment building in me recently. I used to forgive and forget very quickly and start each day anew etc, but the drama and the verbal nastiness has been going on for so long now, I'm aware I'm not forgiving as readily as I did which is something I need to work on.

On that cheery note , waves to Machines and Xerox and all Po Ts!

Gin for breakfast again everyone? . .

It must have been full moon last night or something, mine was vile again.
I hear you all.

@mango373.... hugs 😩💐 you were obviously up late last night feeling shit! I've had many many a night like that trust me.
Honestly, I think a couple of things. If she's doing all this stuff mainly alone, it reads of depression or anxiety. She's struggling and in lieu of having proper support and meds, she has been self medicating. If there's others involved, I wonder if she's just lost her way and been dragged down by a bad crowd, been susceptible. So there's two scenarios there which you need to figure out.
The substance abuse sounds more like a dependency than an addiction. I'd get round to the GP with her. You need a referral for MH support ideally. Due to her age she might need psychiatric assessment, you won't just walk out with a prescription for AD's. this is the beginning. Forget the past. Please applaud her honesty with you now. She's come back to you. I'd suggest a promise of no booze etc in the house ....a solemn promise.

Hi,thank you for your replies .
I do feel so alone and out of my depth.
My DD has known she has anxiety for years,but CAHMS were completely rubbish here.They gave her six counseling sessions which she said didn't help.And then after a psychiatric assessment they offered CBT or IPT sessions which I think are completely pointless when she is currently obsessed with getting hold of weed or alcohol.when she confessed use of these to cahms they said "you must stop using these or we cannot help you" .No help offered to actually do that!!

Also she is very honest with me every so often ,confesses things and then the next day is back to saying she's fine and wants me to back off and leave her alone.

Def. A full moon. Horrible night here too. DS wants to be put up for adoption as those parents would be nicer than us! Xbox hss gone again....help me....rough day ahead...but it was adding to the anger.

@Xeroxarama does your son apologise for that horrid remark?! Big online hugs.

@Pegsinarow I feel the pain. This has only been going on here about 2 monthd but already I worry about our future relationship if he wont stop. I feel like counting down the time til he is 18 and can move out....he's only 13...Im a dreadful parent really

@mango373....well it sounds like whatever she's been getting has evidently fallen short (that's not an attack on you but her care plan).... could you get 2nd psychiatric assessment and view of possible AD's for her. There's a determination here needed of whether she's sad or bad in a nutshell. To me she sounds sad.

Sending hugs to all, thanks for reading. It does help to write it down, and know that I'm not alone.

Let's hope we can all go on a thread in 5 years time saying how wonderful our young adults are!

Hear hear to that Whoopi!

Your poor DD Mango (and poor you) it's disgraceful that the mh support is so patchy at best and non- existent at worst, leaving patents to struggle on alone. You'd think the powers that be would recognise the economic argument of catching conditions such as anxiety early before they spiral out in to other issues, even if they don't recognise the moral, caring one!

Great advice from Tinkobell

Wishing you strength for the day ahead MrsBlondie . Sorry, can't help but at adoption comment! Like many teens (inc. mine!) he evidently doesn't know or appreciate how good he has it!

Waves to Fencing wire, and to everyone else!

raisinsraisins sorry that should have read " his dad" , not "her dad" below!

Tinko- she is also already on ADs which definitely helped a bit with the anxiety.but she chases the high from weed and alcohol.she finds if she feels stable for any amount of time it's just too boring and feels numb?!.she says she craves excitement and drama.
She isn't a bad or nasty person at all.shes actually really lovely albeit self absorbed ,but I hope that's a phase.

Thanks to others for the support too.

Thanks pegsinarow. I’m so lucky she’s not doing anything too destructive and for that reason feel a bit silly complaining about her but living with someone who seems to find your whole existence rather annoying and unpleasant isn’t that fun.

Has anyone, kids or parents, tried the Young Minds line? I think they also have a family helpline that is useful if you can get to it. I also accessed phone counselling via my workplace which was ok. Also Relate do online chat for family issues.

Having had older DDs - now I’m 30s - fwiw my experience does suggest that they get through this and usually turn into flawed adults. Just like us. But the damage to our self esteem runs deep and it can be hard to heal those scars. But it is important to find ways from within ourselves to make them heal. So my plea to everyone is to truly believe that you are all loving parents, you are doing the best you can and try not to blame your selves for this rubbish time.

If all else fails, then cake is helpful.

Doh! That should be ‘now in their 30s’. Damn autocorrect

Xerox I had a call from YoungMinds, and it was quite helpful. TBH it was all the stuff that I least to do with DS when he was young and diagnosed with ASD - stay calm, be concise in what you are saying, etc.

Mango give Catch 22 a call, they offer services for young people who are abusing drugs/alcohol. I got DS an appointment but unfortunately it didn't help as he refuses to acknowledge he has a problem with drugs (he does).

@mango373 - I admire the way your DD is opening up to you and able to articulate what it is she's seeking from substance abuse. You must be struggling to think what to do next, good to hear that AD's are curbing anxiety. She's 16....when 17? Driving has been a major motivation for my DD. Her licence is everything to her - freedom to see friends etc. if she's close to getting her provisional licence, surely you need to know that she is clean. The other thought I've had is that a lot of ex / recovering alcohol dependants go on to mentor and provide support to others around quitting. I know she's so young, but could she do something whereby she is helping others - if she's a peopley person. Sorry if suggestions are naive...,they're well intended. 😬

Evening all, mixed weekend here. I’m working very hard at being calm and it has stopped any massive rows but it’s like @MrsBlondie says, it wears you down and i’m exhausted with the effort. A PP mentioned eggshells and it really feels like that.

We’re all changing our behaviour which feels instinctively wrong when our teens aren’t even trying to change theirs? I think I need to get over that feeling or that resentment will definitely grow, I can really feel that @Pegsinarow

On the flip side my DD (8) has been snarky at me all weekend. I don’t need her telling me i’m an “unsupportive mother” . I have her for at least another 10 years!!!

@MrsBlondie....up for adoption! The cheek of it. If he intends to continue to pursue the verbal tirade, he might struggle to find any willing candidates to take him under their wing! He sounds like a fantastic contraceptive for anyone contemplating parenthood if you don't mind me saying 😁😂

Up for adoption-the little blighter... hope everyone's days went ok...

Dd1 had the time of her life at Spice Girls-she met two of them, Adele, Will Young and Keith Lemon! So was buzzing today.
Dd2 and I had a rather quieter but nice time around at a friends last night.
They are now at their Dads-and not one two all weekend (though it was close). I think I'd forgotten what that feels like!

Best wishes for a better week for us all and our T's this week

I totally get the resentment at having to be the ones to change behaviour. Originally my DH used to tell me I needed to change too - until one Xmas when I went to my Dad’s and left them to it.

I came back to an inevitable shit-hole inhabited by a lonely and angry DH. His DCs didn’t have me around to treat like shit, so they did it to him. Not a finger lifted, barely a thank you for the presents and they vanished to their rooms for most of the time only coming down to eat. DH isn’t a Christmassy person but even he was shocked at how self absorbed they were. And although my DSCs knew when I was due back they left 2 days early, leaving DH on his own until I got back.

A lot of pennies dropped for both of us that year. We both realised that his DCs bad behaviour was not my fault. I also realised that I no longer had to take their shit. I could disengage on occasion, either physically or mentally, and the sky didn’t fall in. Indeed it could even make things better for me. DH no longer tells me I’m the one who needs to change and is getting better at backing me up.

My DSCs (the middle two) still cause problems but the eldest is much better and the youngest is fine.

The youngest doesn’t go along with what his older siblings do and is much more his own person. It could all change in a blink as teenage hormones kick in, but for now I’m happy to have at least one easy teen.

Hi just had the worst sat nite ever
Dd1 messaged ay 8pm to ask if she could stay at bfs house i said ok but then she msg he hadnt asked his dad yet and would come back to me later to let me know if she needed a lift. then her phone was dead i couldnt get her so went out looking tracked down the house of what was supposed to be her bf and he said he was never her bf and he didnt know where she was he went looking along with others and they eventually found her walking with another boy who she now addmitted to been her bf for 3 months and the first boy she had been seeing but he denies to his dad . I really dont know how to handle all these lies. She involved so many people in last nites search. Im utterly embarrased no sleep last night spent hours scrolling on her phone. I have grounded her limited phone use.
I am totally gutted at her behaviour.
The boy I thought she was with told me and his dad she was last seen down by the river drinking which turned out to be a pile of lies from ex as she hadn't been drinking but he had been drinking himself. I am glad she is ok and the reason she said she lied was because I wasn't keen on her moving from one boy to another to quickly but she said this is easier to get over heartbreak. Sorry for the ramble. Cried out at the minute.

I'm so sorry to read all the updates. It really does feel that life is throwing us all a big pile of lemons at the moment...

Hope now dd is home mcmen71 you can get through to her that we WORRY if we don't know where they are. MachineBee I'm at the stage now where I feel like I need to disengage for a time. Interesting, and lots to think about. Mercedes519 I am tired of changing my behaviour and think I have to do something different. Sick of walking on eggshells.

DS is not engaging with his college work, and is just burying his head in the sand. He had a party to go to last night, and asked if he could stay out later than normal. I said yes but home by 1.

1 came and went and he, wouldn't reply to texts or calls. Finally i snapped at nearly 2am and texted that if no reply in 10 mins then I would be cancelling his festival tickets. He called within 2 mins. Said he was staying at his friends and would return at 8 this morning. I am still waiting - his phone now out of charge. All cried out and totally frustrated, worried and anxious in equal measures. I have to go to work in a short while, so have left him a message saying how I love him but am worried and disappointed, and that we need to have a chat about college and his behaviour... I don't know whether to go ballastic or smother him with love. AAAAAAARGHHHH!

Tin hats on PoTs... love to all x