Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

*Full time (good hearted) male

Just checking in to see how everyone is...
The weekend is nearly here so at least no more school morning arguments for a few days.
A rough few days here as dd2 has been poorly which resulted in her needing hourly medication through the night (nothing serious as we caught it in time hopefully).
Reminded me of the newborn stage. I never thought I'd miss that phase as much as I do. It was a hard slog-I had two under two, but that was all it was-hard physically-none of the mind games my two pull on me now!

@Fleetheart....blimey. These boys should be stepping up and looking after their mums not abusing them. Give me the nod and I'll come round and box their ears. I'm only 5ft but have a filthy temper when provoked and am reliably told that I'm freakishly strong! 😁

@Tinkobell; you’re very welcome to pop round! yes agree they should be. I actually know that he cares about me, but doesn’t stop him using every thing at his disposal when he wants to get his own way. And because I am single mum I am comforter, disciplinarian, educator bad cop, good cop etc. Doesn’t really work on the discipline front with him. It does with my daughter; she’s not so oppositional, more of a standard teenager

@Tinkobell - sorry for the delay in getting back to you.

Re what I’d do differently?

Mainly I would have aimed to be less try-hard. Let them come to me rather than me doing lots and expecting thanks. Often what I did do was met with a grunt or a ‘I didn’t ask you to do xyz’.

I’d also loved to have been able make quick come backs as PP have suggested, but I really don’t have the right voice or personality for that and it usually comes out badly when I try.

I wasted too much time trying to please them when I should have been building my own interests - something I have done now, but could have done sooner. It has shown them they aren’t at the very centre of my universe, which I think is healthy for everyone.

And I would have been less worried about things not being perfect. Sometimes you have to let the plates fall - so others see what happens when you don’t step in/aren’t there.

But most of all, I’d have made it less about me. ‘I’ needed to sort out the mess, ‘I’ was the one doing it wrong, ‘l’ was too emotional and needed to control my feelings better, it was all ‘my’ fault, ‘I’ had a marmite personality, ‘I’ need to be a perfect mum for them etc etc.

I wish I’d been able to be kinder to myself much more without feeling guilty. I am better at doing that now and it has made a huge difference. It hasn’t been easy and I still slip into my old ways now and again.

Your use of the word entitled is interesting as this is how so many kids are these days. I blame L’Oreal for constantly telling them they are worth it!

We’re all getting this stuff aren’t we? I would love someone to call my son out for the presumptiveness and the abuse. I yelled tonight because I’d splurged on takeout food that he really wanted and then couldn’t be arsed to come to the table. Food ‘s a perpetual struggle atm. I don’t want to exacerbate it, but I won’t tolerate the foulness either. So bored of being cross!

@xeroxrama what do you do if son is rude to you?
Another day survived!

Walk away/ give two warnings before a phone ban. But often it’s last thing at night or as he stamps off to school and we just let it drop. It festers all day. I know punishing it doesn’t work!

Looking back, I think that the mistake I made was trying too hard with my teenage DCs. Because when it came down to it, whatever I did was never enough. I also allowed their criticisms of me to affect my self worth, which really became a downward spiral, as my MH became too affected by their criticisms. I wish in retrospect that I had kept up my own interests and social life instead of just working, doing housework and being a carer for my DM, as essentially I turned myself into a doormat.

@notaflyingmonkey - it’s never too late. I went back to music after a 30 year gap. I cannot imagine life without my music mates now. So many local groups welcome newbies/returners. Or try something totally new. Anything to distract you, get you out of the house and make you slightly less available.

I agree @MachineBee, I've got a degree in art, but haven't so much as held a pencil for many a year, and yet it is something that I enjoy. I was thinking recently I should start by buying myself a sketch book.

I think for me, so much of this is tied up with the guilt of working full time, and thereby punishing myself by not carving out 'me' time. Hence having turned myself into a doormat it does me no favours to then not like it when I am treated like a doormat.

Good morning all! for breakfast anyone? . One more week of exams to go here

Hope you are as ok as can be in current circs Tinkobell and @ Fockers reference! Good to hear AA helpful.

Notaflyingmonkey and MachineBee reading your posts with forensic interest! Trying hard to be less of a people pleaser here. Good advice to let the plates drop once in a while.

Xerox I'm with you re: being so weary of all the policing and bad feeling.

I can't wait for this "bit" of parenting to be over which is rather really, as I am also very conscious of the totally opposite feelings of "this will be one of her last holidays with us", "this will be one of her last birthdays at home" etc etc. We have a few years to go yet but I desperately want her memories of home to be happy ones, not just a sense of brooding resentment.

I hope your dd2 is feeling better now Historysock

Fleetheart seriously, hats off to you and all single parents dealing with teen angst alone

8Fencingwire sympathies re: appropriate attire! We have a bit of a daily battle with the school skirt and rolling it up! Yes that old cliché is still alive and well in the 21st century! I'm just letting it go it now though because it's nearly the end of term frankly and I CBA!

Solidarity fist bumps to Mercedes and MrsBlondie being the target of constant rudeness and insults, and almost goading, is extremely demoralising. Chins up everyone! (She says with a bit of a wobbly one herself!)

Waves to Tickling McMen Billy and to everyone else!

Have a good weekend Po Ts!

If it's any consolation Notaflyingmonkey I did give up work (save for a few minimal part time hours a week) and DD still hates me and treats me like a doormat (in fact one of her main bugbears is that I don't have a stellar career like all the mothers of her friends do apparently) so you really can't win! One of the lessons I have taken from this thread is that they'll rebel against anything which they happen to have to rebel against! So try not to take it personally

And speaking as someone who loves drawing and painting too (and sewing) I am right there with you when it comes to getting back to it! Planning on starting an oil painting class in Sept. Hope you can carve out some time for yourself!

@Pegsinarow and @Notaflyingmonkey - they will find whatever is your guilty spot and press it hard. This is the point when you have to move the goal posts and wrongfoot ‘em!

Oops posted too soon! I was going to reference the scene in Shirley Valentine when her DD comes back in a strop and instantly demands hot chocolate in bed.

Shirley was anything but a doormat but her family treated her like she was and then got a big shock when she did what she wanted to do.

Hi all,
Haven't checked in for a while as everythings been 'ok'. When I say that I mean my ds (15) is still moody, grunts, doesn't engage at all, but no outbursts....until today.
He was winding up his younger sibling, and really hurt him, (didn't see it, so not sure what happened exactly).
We've always been tough on him when it come to physical violence so dh went upstairs to get his phone off him as a consequence.
Ds then has a complete teenage temper tantrum, telling dh he has ruined his life, screaming at him to get out the room, saying he wants him dead (they haven't had a great relationship the past year or two, dh tries but ds hates him for no reason)
Dh came out of his room and I went up to try and get him to give me the phone, he then starts screaming and crying that he's depressed and he hates us and wants us dead.
I tried to hug him and tell him we'll help him in anyway we can, we can go to see a doctor, but he just says he never going to the doctors with us.
He has said stuff like this before and only when he is in a rage, when I try and talk to him when he's calm, he refuses to talk about it.
I don't know, it's bloody killing me I can't help him, he won't let me. Or is he just sayo g these things when he's getting told off.
Looking for any support and advice please.

Hi Whoopigoldberg'scat that sounds very hard indeed. Not sure what to advise because DD will speak to me between outbursts (although I raise issues extremely tentatively for fear of provoking another one!). Could you write him a letter, a text, or an e-mail by any chance, saying you are worried about his depression, reassure him that it is a treatable condition, maybe include links to Young Minds and put doctor's number on it and reiterate that you love him lots and are there to support him whenever he says the word? I have no idea if this is good advice or not mind you. It's so difficult to know when we are playing a guessing game half the time. As has been said earlier, it's so very difficult to know how much to intervene and how much to step back in all areas of parenting a teen! It really is the hardest thing.

Noted about the wrong footing Machinebee and will have to revisit Shirley Valentine too!

New to this thread, but so good to read and see that I’m not the only one. Although I’m sorry that so many of you are having to deal with this.

My DS has Year 10 exams starting next week, and he won’t revise at all. I’ve taken the Xbox now and just taken his phone and he kicked me quite hard as I took it as he wouldn’t give it to me. He says he hates me, and I really think it’s true. He likes my DH because he doesn’t tell him to do homework!

I guess I wonder if it’s worthwhile carrying on trying to make him work, and he might then end up passing some GCSEs, or I could back off, improving our relationship but then he could end up failing most subjects. I know I can’t win whatever I do...

Whoopi I wonder if he's just saying it to get a reaction to some degree-if he only says he's depressed when he's getting told off?

Maybe talk it though when he's calmed down a bit and just remind him that if he genuinely feels that way you will need to decide what to do together to fix it-but if he just said it in anger it's not really ok....

It's bloody rough and sending you lots of love through the ether...

A better week with dd1 who has seemed cheery-until today when she is in a foul mood for no real reason. Got player of the match at football this morning-still in a foul mood-is going to see the Spice Girls in some sort of fancy box this evening, (taken by her friends Dads company)-still in a foul mood.
She just left and I have to say I'm quite relieved as otherwise there probably would have been words before bedtime.

I'm determined to get through the weekend without a row...

When mine kicked off my oft-used phrase was ‘I will always love you, but I don’t like you very much at the moment/when you behave like this/are so rude’. And then walk off and refuse to engage with them for a while.

Don’t know whether that’s worth a try?

historysock
He always says things like this when he's been told off, or we give him consequences, but will never talk about it when he's calm.
I'm sure he's just saying it to get us to feel sorry for him and go easy on him, but there's always a part of me that thinks what if he really is depressed!
I feel so helpless, life was so much easier when he was small!

And it felt hard enough then! Got to 10 pm without a row here, then a stream of ‘I hate you, no reason, you’re just a bitch’. Think because I yelped when the football hit the olive oil bottle. So unreasonable! No revision happening here either, apparently the teacher does it all in class. Suuuure.

Thanks @MachineBee for taking time to give such considered reflection. Read it through and chewed the cud with DH. We are both very "could've" "should've" right now in the aftermath of the last week. Keeping everything crossed that maybe we are turning a corner now but with a long long way to go.
@Pegs....rid of the builders yet I hope?!
We've briefly ran away from the bunker for a night! Bliss!

Aaaaah. My people. I have a teenage dd. She’s snarky and rude, she’s not a bad kid, she works hard and isn’t getting into trouble but she makes little digs at me all the time. Everything I do is met with eye rolls and snappiness. It is a bit like dealing with a growling dog most of the time. My dh escapes most of it and is, in honesty, a bit wet with dealing with her. He’ll always find an excuse for her behaviour. I love her to bits but the targeting, open hostility and dismissive attitude are exhausting and pretty depressing to be around.

My mum used to do a lot of ‘woe is me’ when I was a teen so I try not to do that but the temptation to shout ‘I am a person, I have feelings, don’t speak to me like that’ is hard to fight sometimes.

She’s conforming to all the expected stereotypes so I try not to take it to heart but I hadn’t realised how much living with a teen can grind you down.

I would like to join..my DD is now 16 and just confessed to me she has an alcohol and weed addiction ..I knew things werent great but am horrified how bad it is..she has just finished her GCSEs and admitted last night she was high on weed for most of them.she has also confessed to stealing bottles of wine from the supermarket alone.And got caught once but they didn't ring the police or me.she is apparently banned from the store now.
This is a girl who in year 6 was top of the year and headmasters pet.I feel like I have lost her and she will end up in jail or dead !
I am a single full time working mum with one other ds age nearly 11.