Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

How was Sunday lunch, pegs?...and the aftermath??

A weekend of two halves here. I spoke to DS very calmly ( by my usual standards, at least) about the phone call from school. His version of what happened was slightly different from that of his HoY, so I'm going to have to wait to hear from her. That said, I think DS has been silly, rather than intentionally nasty, and in the grand scheme of things, it's not very serious. Nevertheless, we've made it clear that we won't tolerate it and as such, he's lost his phone and the PS4 indefinitely. I was expecting a huge kick off from him, but actually, he's been quiet and chastened all weekend, and even knuckled down to some work for his exams that start today.
We made it clear to him that we want him to be able to talk to us if something's bothering - big hugs, checking in with him etc.

DD, on the other hand, hasn't been as easy this weekend. We left her and DS home alone on Saturday whilst we went to a wedding. I left both a list of things they needed to do; top of DD's was tidying her bedroom and homework....neither of which she did. She stayed out on Saturday night ( pre-arranged), came home yesterday lunchtime and we told her she had to do what she was supposed to do on Saturday.
She still didn't.
Her bedroom, by last night, looked like it had been ransacked. At 7.15am this morning, she was still packing her bag, 7.17am she was brushing her teeth ( school bus stop is 3 miles away, bus leaves at 7.30am).

I'm just trying to summon up the energy to put the house back together again.

Found out what the problem is today folks. It is bad. Quite numb right now as news is fresh.

I’m a shit mum who never showed her own child how to open up and express feeling. I know this is self pity on a major scale. We think she’s safe. Hope she’s safe.

So sorry tinkobell, sometimes we all just need to self-pity, in order to move on. Hope you and your dd feel better soon.

Thanks @Tickling. I don’t know if I know the worst of it yet as she still doesn’t want to talk. I talk to her but it’s one way traffic. I can’t figure out if it’s embarrassment, fear of unleashing feelings, lack of self worth, inability to express, protecting others. I don’t know. I appreciate this thread deeply folks. This is one of the loneliest points I think I’ve ever experienced in my life: had a few too - PND, career shit, my own youth heart ache. Part of me wants to run. I’m trying so hard here. I need to keep going for everyone else but for how long I don’t know I can.

Tinkobell, so sorry to hear your news. Wishing you and your family strength to get through the next few days.

Sending you love and strength, Tinkobell.
I'm absolutely certain that you are the best mum you can be ( you're here, looking for help and answers, for a start). I guess you have to start afresh from here, with the new information you have. Keep reminding yourself that it won't always be like this - you're in the eye of the storm right now, but it will calm again.xx

I think I would approach that disclosure with caution Tinkobell, not least of all because it is guaranteed to press your maternal buttons. How much of it is healthy for to you to own?

I went through something similar with DS at the end of last year when I was paying £65 per session for him to blame me for his problems. I was on my knees. Until the point when I told him he really needed to start owning his choices in life, as that level of blame wasn't going to wash for ever.

Good morning Po Ts

Tinkobell I've just read your post. So sorry you are going through all of this. You are absolutely NOT a shit mum. You got your DD support and you are there for her; just as you would if you she had a serious medical issue. In that instance, you wouldn't be expected to diagnose/treat/operate yourself; you would access professional advice and that is what you have done. I know you want to do so much more (and your DD knows this too) , but is ok to share this with CAMHS or equiv, and hard though it is for you, it's good for your DD that she knows it's possible and ok to seek outside help as that will stand her in good stead in the future. Sending lots of Po T strength and love to you both X

Alsoplayspiccolo lunch and aftermath was ok thanks for asking. DD even cooked a bit of it and was quite helpful/talkative and we managed a rare enjoyable evening together by ourselves afterwards without anything kicking off. The only trouble is, it has all gone to shit again this morning, kicking off badly before an exam. I know it's probably nerves induced (although she seemed the opposite of nervous tbh; very bolshy and very confident) but it was very bad and I don't even know if she has made it there on time. So we're back on the rollercoaster as it were. ( Really wish I could get off for a bit now... .)

Waves to everyone else still in the thick of it, owing to exams, or just the "usual" hormone induced hideousness!

@tinkobell, I’m sorry too that you’re going through this. For some reason these big things seem to reinforce and amplify everything that has gone wrong in our lives before. It can be painful. Just keep in mind that it’s better to get all these thugs out, the worst problems are those that are suppressed. It’s really hard and it is just a phase we are all going through. That’s what I keep saying to myself anyway, we just have to stick with it 🙂 hope today is ok

*these things

Oh crap, I'm sorry Alsoplayspiccolo, totally self-obsessed with my own issues there and posted too soon! Really good to hear that your message got home to your DS and he took it on the chin as it were.

And I really sympathise over your wrangles with your DD. You are doing better than me, because I have virtually given up asking mine to help for fear of her reaction which is pathetic. Then I'll think "this is ridiculous" and talk to her when it's calm and say, right, from now on we would like you to do x, y and z. Then when it actually comes to doing it, she will cause such a fuss (expert diversionary tactic!) that it really depends on my energy levels as to how long I will persist. Sometimes I do. But other times I am afraid I will let it go. I agree though, it is incredibly draining.

For some reason these big things seem to reinforce and amplify everything that has gone wrong in our lives before

Absolutely Fleetheart Ain't that the case! And to that I would add "everything that is going wrong right now" too ... . . Hope your day is ok too!

Sorry you had to go through that NotaFlyingMonkey. It sounds really hurtful. Do you mind me asking, how is your DS now? Has he accepted responsibility? (As you can probably tell, absolutely everything wrong with my dd's life is "my fault" but the sun shines out of my husband's rear end .)

Right, I am just sat here in a useless snivelling heap drinking coffee trying to recover from this morning's tirade. I'd better go and do something useful and take my disquiet out on the laundry mountain or some equally mind-numbing task

Have a gentle one Po Ts! Give yourselves a break!

I am so sorry @Tinkobell. It’s good that she talked to you. But so hard to know. @Pegs I hope you can make yourself a bit of peace. I’ve been lambasted for ‘trying to ruin my life’ so often recently- I think my son actually means it, really thinks that being asked to do homework or pick up your mess is deeply oppressive! He’s only been back from half term ten days and I am longing for a holiday. Alone!

pegs i have been there, my dh was away a lot, at the time. But I was wondering... If your dd feels that way about her dad, perhaps you could agree with your dh that he takes over the 'nagging parts' for a while. By that I mean all the day to day stuff, chores, curfews in short as many conflict areas as possible. And then you should detach as much as possible (even not being around as much). I don't know how you would feel about that, but perhaps it is worth a shot?

tinkobell as I said previously, at a lot of times I have had too much info, but when my dd had a really bad time, she said absolutely nothing. I begged, nagged, suggested. She couldn't/wouldn't open up, when I tried, she felt pressured, but most important, she thought that ALL my suggestions were wrong and wasn't well meant, but just... Pressure. Please get all possible help for your dd, perhaps in time she will open up, but right now all you can do is be there for her and get her as much help as possible.
Strenght to you 💐.

Thank you so much Xerox and Tickling . Really mean that

I genuinely feel like walking out of the door this morning and not coming back for about five years. (Mature reaction I know! ). I definitely need to step back more but it's difficult to give DH the "bad cop" role because he simply isn't here enough, certainly not for day to day stuff. And he doesn't really "notice" mess or rudeness to a degree (because it's not directed at him). So it's a vicious cycle!

However, I know it's cycle, that being the adult here, I have to break. And I know it sounds pathetic (and a tad over-dramatic) but the more she "attacks" me verbally, the more beaten down I feel, the less able I feel I have the strength to break out ifyswim. I know I have to pull myself together and do it though!

On the positive side ...having been in this position before ...I'm beginning to realise it's a bit like the worst of childbirth, in that the onslaught comes, and then motherly love (or sheer fatigue! ) helps you forget the very worst of it ...until the next time.

And gosh yes, I so recognise that scenario of every suggestion one makes (desperately trying to be helpful) being "stupid" "wrong" "ridiculous" ... (sigh).

Xerox your post has made me think. I genuinely don't know if DD believes what she is saying or not. Maybe she does in large part and just can't "see" that being asked to take five school shirts ( that have been washed and ironed for her no less!) upstairs to her wardrobe, is tantamount to three days down a salt mine . She definitely does seem to hate me at times. Maybe they just need that level of revulsion to become adult and leave? Maybe I am a crap parent compared to others? (If I am honest, DH is much more naturally "maternal" than me in some ways.) Right now I am done with the analysing though and just want this "dark" period to be over.

Aww pegs of course you are not a crap mother. It is soo much easier to be nice, patient, easy going you name it, if you are not the one at gun point, taking the fall.

But please do detach for a while, being 'bullied' for this long by our teens, stays with you for a long time (for me at least). As long as you make sure she is safe, walk away from all situations 💐.

I agree. Being beaten down and bullied by your children really takes it out of you. Our only consolation is that they really don’t realise how much pain they are causing. I haven’t cracked it at all but I have certainly started just doing more (ie all chores), and they don’t do anything. I can’t be doing with the fighting. Anything to keep some peace.

Thank you again Tickling, I am going to take your good advice.

I am definitely not going to engage in arguments any more, in some way the "emoting" stuff is easier to step back from. Can you tell me though (sorry to be dithery as usual) but in practical terms, does "stepping back" mean just picking up all the crap after them and not expecting any help from them around the house?

Is the general consensus on here that if the level of antagonism is at fever pitch (on and off anyway) it is just not worth the hassle (and possibility of another explosion) of getting them to do practical stuff?

I am in two minds about this because I have already cut way back on the chores dd used to do as a child, and her behaviour hasn't really improved. And I want her to be reasonably competent at stuff when she leaves home.

Does anyone else have "minimum" rules like , emptying DW three times a week, walking dog at weekends, cooking a meal once a week, that sort of thing? Do you enforce them at all times or what happens when your teen is going through a "meltdown"? Do you let them off then? (And what if the meltdowns occur every other day? )

I'd be really interested to know, how does everyone else handle it?

Sorry Fleetheart X post, it took me so long to write that, you had already answered my question before I asked it

On my way out, so trying to keep it short.

A combination when it was me. No teen seems capable of the chores a 10-12 years old is. Mine had fixed chores (few) laying the table, loading dishwasher. But the trail of sh.. In the wake of dd being around the house, I ended giving up. Either putting her things back in her room myself or if too bad in a container in the utility room, for her to find and sort (eventually).

But I also detached by not engaging (ignoring ) when we couldn't have a normal conversation. Simply walked away, because I couldn't take anymore. Perhaps not the best approach, but in the end I had to save my peace of mind. If she was OK, of course we would have a nice time, but when she was abusive, she could be so by herself 😕.

Yeah, that makes sense and sounds fair enough - thanks again Tickling - enjoy your day!

@Pegsinarow, Chores in our house are minimal.
They clear dinner dishes everyone brings there own from dining room to kitchen.
Have a house dog so they clean up after it and its normally a squabble to say I will put it outside. (but I wouldn't really but the threat is enough)
They tidy their own bedrooms 99% of time I might do a big clear out an odd time.
Bring up and put away their washing.
Not many other chores.
When they are arguing, I just say stop or you are loosing your phone and there is complete silence. Dd1 big attitude on this morning but I kept calm just mentioned the phone and that was enough to silence them both. First day at school for a whole day for a week but just because she has an exam in afternoon. Long summer of tantrums nearly here. Hope we can keep this thread going for our rants and help to each other.

Thanks McMen71 I think minimal is definitely the way to go! And if DD turns around when she gets to university and says "why didn't you teach me anything useful?" I'll reply "because frankly it was a pita even getting you to pick up a mug and put it in the sink" .

Glad the threat of phone removal is working for you and well done for keeping calm! And crikey yes, the thought of a long summer of tantrums is not a happy one right now ... .

Minimal chores here too-I can't be belthered with a) the argument about it b) my own feelings of annoyance when they inevitably don't do them.
There is A heap of clothes on dd1's floor that I've asked her three times to put away. She hasn't. I won't ask her again but I also won't touch them-they will stay there as long as they do. That's my little stand I guess 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Dd1 is very closed off at the moment and very erratic in mood. Fine one minute, vicious and ragey the next. Pre teen dd2 and I just give each other a private nod of solidarity when she starts which does help both of us feel not as alone with it (their dad doesn't live with us). What I will do when dd2 starts is anyone's guess...

It's all very tiring I agree... I take a lot of long walks with the Dogs in order to reset myself.