Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

@tickling Yes Yes Yes, this is it exactly, and how annoyed to they get when there is nothing you can do to fix it, it is absolutely everything and I got to point where I had nothing left to give.

Help wanted today
Came home to dd1 in tears getting grief in school about drama and dance thats shes going to be a lesbian if she keeps it up.
She says she loves it but isnt going anymore because her own group of friends are the ones that are doing it.
She has been doing it now for 8 years and wants to acting when she leaves school. She didnt go to dance class was so upset. I rang the dance teacher who also is her drama teacher at school but i just broke down crying . She is going to ring me back later. Im devasted for my dd. I told her i dont mind her quitting if she doesnt enjoy it but no because of idiot girls giving her grief.

😱 i would think homophobic slur was a matter for the school/teachers, how appaling.

billybagpus me too 😁

Mines literally driving me insane. Mid GCSE, completely ignoring me, not listening to anything I say, beyond rude, constant battles over phone use, told me I can't make her go to bed, caught her wandering round at 3am when I woke up last week.

I've got medical issues but she refuses to do anything at all in the house, leaves mess (and food) everywhere
She's not gone to sleep until half 11 tonight. She has two exams tomorrow and then at an event tomorrow night so will be shattered.

She's shouted at me tonight for me making sure she got up for her exam this morning because she kept going back to sleep.

Straight on scoffs at anything I say. She's making me miserable tbh.

Good morning all!

Welcome to the thread Weddinggate and MrsPMT! Sorry you are going through such tough times

I'm nodding madly again because we've had a period of attempted school refusal (thankfully now resolved) , the being up at night (still happens sporadically), reluctance to shower (despite my best efforts, smelt of horse, dog and grime for tween years but thankfully transformed literallybovernight the day she turned 14 and now she hogs the bathroom for hours) and over-use of phone (still ongoing but improving ) and eating too much sugary rubbish (ongoing) and deception over whereabouts (ditto) - and I know how deeply irritating and frustrating each and every one of those issues is to handle! It's the sense of exasperated helplessness that gets to you, and the overwhelming feeling of "FFS life is hard and complicated enough battling every day to try and make sure you are safe, happy, healthy, fed well, well educated etc etc without you constantly doing silly unnecessary stuff to self sabotage! " (Patience not my strong point.). And then when it all goes on for too long the feeling of "FFS, if you are not going to put one ounce of effort in to making sensible choices then why the f should I bust a gut over it all, just ber off and suffer the consequences!". OK so I have never said that last bit out loud but ... .

It all just a phase. It's all just a phase. Rinse and repeat!

Exam season here - very very up and down - get snapped and ranted at for such "controversial" statements such as "please pass the water jug". Yet am "treated" to long "emotes" (YY to the "neediness" !) late at night on life, the universe and everything (usually as I am just going to sleep ) and am supposed to hang on to every word even though I've been on the end of such hatred and spite and vitriol only a couple of hours before. (Yes I know I sound horribly grudging but it does grate.) I feel like Gandalf - walking on eggshells and tense - because of the "on/off switch" nature of the moods

As Billy and Tickling said, as a "facilitator" I no longer have an identity in my own right (in dd's eyes anyway) and this lies at the crux of my ongoing battle with her - I am "less valid" than DH who provides financially. I think she'd be quite happy if I left and she and dh could live happily ever after ... .

Machinebee your DH sounds fab! . Sorry about family tensions and sympathies re: lack of respect (same here). I don't think your dd should be dictating the terms when you are kind enough to help her out with childcare.

Anotherlover hope your ds is ok bless him. Despite all the frustrations listed above, you can't help feeling for them when they go through such agonies of self-esteem.

Last but not least McMen oh your poor dd. That is awful! Was the teacher able to help? Hope the school are cracking down on the nastiness (and the homophobia). Those comments are most likely coming from a place of jealousy and I hope you can encourage your dd to carry on doing what she loves and is good at, despite the opinions of so-called "friends". It's funny isn't it, so many memes on Facebook and the like about "living the dream" and "being your best self despite all the hurdles" etc etc and yet in RL, the teens just don't join the dots ... .

My dd is at home a lot right now in between exams and (awful though it is to say) I am not looking forward to eight weeks of summer holidays with undiluted joy, so apologies for the rather Eeyoreish tone of this post. Just trying to survive day by day!

Keep going Po Ts! Wishing you all the patience and strength that I seem to be lacking currently! [Tiny violin plays in background.]
Seriously, hope you all survive the w/e without too much angst! . Solidarity! ✊

FFS, if you are not going to put one ounce of effort in to making sensible choices then why the f should I bust a gut over it all, just ber off and suffer the consequences!".

I can definitely relate to this. Especially since other parents seem to put in a lot less effort and get more appreciation but I am sure that is the grass is greener effect.

Dd currently thinking about getting up and going to school

Thanks for your input @Pegs....you are the glue that keeps this crazy thread together ....and a very talented writer I might add, I always enjoy a chew over your posts!

Quick bathing tip...tell em you've got the boiler man in tomorrow for a major overhaul, anticipate no hot running water for a few days, so use the shower while you can!

I'm not sure they'd fall for that every day Tinkobell

Just checking in with you all.
I really do enjoy reading all your posts

I currently don't have any problems with Ds1 (Year 10) which is very unusual!!

and since I started my new second part-time job 3 weeks ago, he has as asked, stepped up to the mark and been extremely pleasant. however he is bossing Ds2 around quite a lot, a bit too much and also he's just a bit too nice, in a kind of smarmy way and I've told him so! and so we will see how it goes.

Thank God for your last post, pegs. Just had a phonecall from DS (13)'s head of year, to inform me that there has been an "incident", ie nasty messages sent to another pupil from DS's phone. Just to compound things, the message was sent when DS told us he was in after school running club, and on a night where DS was meant to get the school bus home but didn't, resulting in me sitting at the bus stop 12 miles away for 30 minutes and DH hurtling across the city in rush hour to get DS from school.
I'd like to say this is a one-off, but DS has a history of incidents of unpleasantness to other pupils - name calling, minor scrapping, inciting them to do things he know will get them into trouble etc.
He has exams next week and really hasn't done enough revision. He's rude to us, nasty to DD and generally not very easy to be around.

We can do all the standard sanctions - take away his phone, stop his pocket money, take away the PS4 etc - and we will - but that's treating the symptoms: what about the cause?
I'm convinced DS just isn't very happy. We've tried talking to him, asking him if there's anything going on that he's not happy about, tried explaining that happy people don't behave like he is etc, and his general mood is pretty joyless ( he's always been quite Eeyore about life, tbh).
Any thoughts?

Evidently, I don't have a good handle on this myself (!) Alsoplayspiccolo but fwiw, yes, I do think a lot of teen behaviour is down to, if not unhappiness exactly, but massive uncertainty, frustration and insecurity owing to brain plasticity, feeling out of control in terms of emotional regulation, general impulsivity, exam pressure, societal pressure, wanting to be "adult" but not yet having the capability... . Hence all the attempts to make themselves feel better by asserting control, being nasty to others, withdrawing, feeling bleak ... taking their inner turmoil and releasing it on to those who (in their eyes) are "safe" recipients ... . Not at all easy for them or us.

The solutions? It's ideally fantastic if they have a "wholesome" activity that they are good at, which gives them a sense of achievement and mastery over something they can excel in. That's the theory anyway. (After years of pursuing a discipline she loved and was good at - my DD has kick-backed forcefully at the merest hint of any organised extra-curricular pursuit - but she will still go horse riding if arrangements are last minute or fairly spontaneous. )

Other solutions? Talking to someone older, experienced - without making too much of a "deal" of things - (god-father, uncle, older cousin, sports coach, friendly teacher, counsellor?) who can reassure them that the "out of control" feeling and all the other turmoil they are experiencing is totally normal and guess what, the vast majority of other teens are going through the same stuff and have the same worries too. I say all this because I think many teens have a tendency to clam up and think they are the only souls in the universe who are suffering in a uniquely "wierd" way. Simple and regular reassurance that they are fine, they are NORMAL, all is good, even adults have insecurities a lot of the time, we all make mistakes, life can be rough, everyone finds it hard at times, etc etc can help. Might be worth a shot? Possibly far far too simplistic though, sorry!

Aw thank you Tinkobell pathetically genuinely pleased to be helpful to someone as obviously not much help to dd here currently!

Huge congratulations on your new job Oblomov really delighted for you - as I recall you were besieged on so many fronts previously - glad things have improved a little!

Better late than never Whattodofgds!

Tinsel!

[Forgot to say to Shadypines waaay down thread ... I'm a stitcher too ... waves needles! Also have very little free time to devote to it. Going to dig out my patchwork this weekend (if I can find it) ... v therapeutic!]

Kick-backed?

Meant kicked back!

Agree with Alsoplays that you are doing brilliant job Pegs with this thread. So glad you started it.

Thank you Machinebee !

As ever, feeling better for offloading on here, so thanks to everyone for putting up with my whinging

Exams are over for another week. Can breathe again for a bit! Hope that's the case for other Po Ts enduring this stressful time. And hope you can steal a bit of time for yourselves this weekend!

Thanks for welcome Pegs

and gosh Eeyore is a good description of my son too, although there are moment most days when he's a happy larking about fun person too. We both like silly comedy (eg Fast Show, Ali G) and we really bond over that (time to get the TV on I think!) helps to forget the dreary stuff.

Have been reading some past MN discussions on school refusal for tips, we've gone with removal of priveleges, XBox etc as a sanction, and was concerned that I'm punishing him for something he finds hard to deal with. Think at the moment his refusal is just "I would rather be at home" than anything more troubling so we'll see how it goes.

Hi all - mid way A levels and GCSE's last week....mixed feelings, some good, some awful. DD18 I think is seeing CAMHS next week or maybe an adult service in additional to private counselling....we are still clueless as to what 'it' might be about?! Keep saying door is open. She eats well, sleeps well, smiles and laughs a bit.....so we are bloody clueless. DS16 has a delayed puberty requiring intervention. This is quite awkward and not something I feel can be discussed easily with any friends. He sees specialist next week and looking at a low dose testosterone over summer....I imagine then my angel boy will transform into Harry Enfields "Kevin". Dads chemo going fine. My sleep is shit. I'm knackered out. It's actually making me feel a bit sad. I know I will get through it but these weeks are hard. Hang in their mums! 💐

Anybody else's teen still out? Just got a text to say "I will be home later!"

I have texted back saying be home by 12 or we will come looking for you.

So fed up with this "what? I said I would be home sometime" attitude from a 14 year old.

Good morning!

Whattodofgds Sorry, only just seen your post. I hope your DS made it back safely last night and you all got some sleep.

Tinkobell good to hear your dad's treatment is going well. I know it's a cliché but I hope you can take some time out for yourself today to replenish your own "oxygen" supply in order that you can support everyone else's "respiration" . Good luck with your ds's medical appts and the next week of exams and I hope better sleep lies around the corner.

MrsPMT my dd's period of school refusal was exactly like that and as such, if it's any consolation, was short-lived. I think she just needed to know that she could exert her authority for 10 days (on and off) and that people were listening to her. It also coincided with a period of time when she was having difficult gynae issues which she needed some time out from. For those reasons, I was persuaded by my DH to take a more liberal approach than I would have done instinctively, and in hindsight, in dd's case, I think a lighter touch worked better than more draconian measures would have done. And I think the novelty of realising that she could physically walk out of school and come home for the afternoon wore off more quickly when we didn't react in horror and told her that we trusted her "mature"judgement (or words to that effect) as it kind of lessened the rebellious impact ifyswim. It's a very difficult line to walk though, and almost impossible to judge how much stick and how much carrot to apply/offer!

A tale of complete opposites here atm. We have a guest staying atm and as soon as he'd left for the afternoon, I was subjected to the usual venomous "I hate you, you're the worst mother in the world blah blah speech" (said with such intensity that you really believe it at the time) which DH nipped in the bud fairly rapidly thankfully. And quite a few hours later I had a near 1am visit when DD came and sat on the end of the bed and talked excitedly for 40 mins about potential uni and career options just as though nothing had happened, until DH came up. Whether she just doesn't remember the previous screaming , or she chooses not to, I've no idea, but I find the contrast between the two is quite difficult to handle. Not once does it seem to cross her mind that I shouldn't listen with avid interest to the latter (which I do in the main) or that I might still be upset by the former!

Wishing you all as calm and peaceful Sundays as humanly possible in the circumstances! !

Thanks Pegs we went and got her in the end. Although that didn't go down well with her or the Boyfriend.

 to MrsPMT and anybody else with school refusal. I have no answers but a lot of sympathy. I just keep repeating. It's a phase, it's a phase!!

So sorry Whattodofgds for that stupid mistake! I knew you had a daughter, apologies for not checking properly! (Can't scroll easily on this device!). I'm very glad to hear she is back safely!

And yes, re:school refusal. In our case it was just a phase (a short one at that) and meant to say DD has done a complete 180 and is very keen not to miss anything now so don't lose hope MrsPMT .

An adult friend of mine told me how her mother reacted when she caught her at home bunking off school unexpectedly. She apparently acted all delighted, took her DD out for lunch and over-enthusiastic clothes shopping. My friend said she felt so guilty that she never bunked off again! . Thought that was quite good reverse psychology - if a bit risky! And I would love to have that sort of confidence in my parenting actions decisions!

Lol Pegsinarow I didn't notice my brain just read Dd anyway.

Phew Whattodo!

And that should have read parenting actions/decisions!

Just preparing Sunday lunch for our guest. Slightly on tenterhooks that dd will be pleasant and "engage" at table. To be fair to her, she is usually pretty good with visitors while they are here ...it's when they leave I have to put the tin hat on again!