Holding on to the end of the rope; life in the bunker with the Po Ts, where parenting a teen is having an adverse effect on our mental health

[Pegsinarow]

With thanks to Billybagpuss for inspiration for the title and to Ticklingcheese and many other parents of teens who are emerging from the worst, or currently going through it, this is a support thread for parents who are being driven to despair by their teens. It is a continuation of this previous thread where many of us clubbed together to exchange experiences, possible strategies and understanding of what can be a very draining, isolating and distressing time for all!

Tin hats on everybody for round two!

Just popping on to say hi, hope all the exams are going well, all done here waiting for the results now.

It's me back again...stressful half term and sooooo glad they are back at school now.

DS has girlfriend - well - a friend who is a girl and he talks about her a lot - we suspect she is a girlfriend but we are not privy to any more information than than!

He went out for a meal with her family and came home in such a bad mood. He thought they were going for pizza (safe food for him) but they ended up in a steak house - worst possible place for him (He can't watch other people eating big lumps of meant and he says someone had a steak with the blood still running out of it). He had a portion of chips and he says they kept looking at him and asking if he was feeling ok. Girlfriend querying why he didn't join in and is now embarrassed to go out with him for food again.

Then the usual homework/end of year exams stress - well mine not his. He reckons he is going to wing it and "it will be ok mum - there is nothing to worry about". I told him that if he fails his GCSEs then he still be staying on in Sixth Form to retake whilst his mates are at college - something may have twigged - this would be a nightmare for him.

Hope every one else is coping - onwards and upwards!

Thanks for the lovely welcome! for all

She's lying about her whereabouts today. Gone to meet friends after school and caught her on way home with someone else. Find my phone says she's not where she is saying she is-she knows if she doesn't answer her phone I will erase it.
Don't have the headspace to deal with it today so as long as she is home at the time I said I'm not letting myself get stressed.
However we will be taking a trip to the apple store for them to explain that the map thingy is not a mile off from her actual location! See how she squirms then!

@Anotherlover.....your DS shouldn't feel bad about not enjoying people chomping bleeding steak, that's not his fault. DD is vegan, she's not crazy about seeing people chomping beef....in fact quite a lot of people aren't mad about that IMO.

anotherlover I'm a meat eater but I would find that very unappealing.
Hopefully your GCSE chat will get through to him

We had a great end of HT with my youngest joining me for a fundraising event and his DBS came and cheered him on.

My eldest DSS (25) has now had a go at my DH (his DF) saying he takes no interest in him and basically said everything that’s wrong in his life is my DHs fault. This is a grown man who since I’ve known him (I met his DF when DSS was 12) has been secretive, charming, manipulative and capable (of making a success of anything he turned his hand to). For the record my DHs marriage broke up because his Ex had an affair, got found out and she left.

My own DD (33) has now decided that I can have my DGD to stay for the weekend to help them out as they have a wedding to go to, but I’m the only who can look after her the whole time because her DH doesn’t like the idea of non-bio family looking after her. FFS my DH adores the little girl, is dead chuffed to be her Grandad and is really excited to spend time with her.

machinebee there is always something, isn't there. Hope you can resolve things with Dss. As for dd (and dsonil) if she is a fairly new mum, I'm sure that she in time will be less protective. Your dh sounds amazing, being in the seventh heaven about the baby 😀.

Here we have 'national day', GE and fathers day all today. Both dcs visiting, dd22 has new bf so back to hormonal 🙄, but still much better than teens. Will be driving them round, so they can vote, where they are supposed to and then a yummy restaurant visit 😀.

Heatwave here, hope you all have nice weather and a peaceful day.

You’re so right @ticklingcheese. I had this weird notion that as I got older I’d become the wise old bird that my family looked up to and respected. Nope. I just remember my own parents and grandparents opinions and preferences were always more important than mine growing up. Now my DC (bios and steps) have taken over that position. Sorry folks, just needed to vent!

I actually have a senior job where I am valued and respected and the attitude from DCs at home simply grates.

And yes - my DH is a gem and we both know we’re lucky to have found each other.

Enjoy the sunshine and celebrations.

Ah PoTs. Another day, another downer. I have caught up on posts, nodded, sympathised with you all and felt grateful that I am not alone in all this.

I'm struggling this week. Migraine brewing and ds finding this week hard as college timetable has changed for a "study week" right after all the exams have finished. He has done nothing today again, and has had some plans fall through so is miserable and really down. I have tried to ask if he wants a walk or a chat and just get "No, go away" on repeat. Have given up but am on tenterhooks for one of his escapes - sometimes he will just leave the house and go awol leaving me worrying that he'll do something silly. He has GP apt and CAMHS this week so am hoping that one of them can help him find a bit of inner peace. I feel that coming off the meds hasn't been a good thing for him.

Mine has mocks in a couple of weeks and, surprisingly is taking it seriously but it is like walking on eggshells. Even when she's calm, I am on tenterhooks. How does one deal with this and switch off without alcohol?!!

oh good! Time for a bedtime phone argument!

xerox poor you. I went to bed angry and upset for about 2 years after the phone argument.
I eventually got an app which I could use to switch it off remotely.. This did at least avoid me havjng to argue but her reaction was like that of a heroin addict who can't have his next fix 😩

I wish phones never existed. I have limits installed but there is still wailing because 9 pm is too early, etc.

Ah mobile phones, love hate relationship for sure. Feeling your pain.

My DD is addicted to hers but more for reading fanfiction manga not social media. I set the icloud internet controls but she seems to have managed to get around these. We've had numerous arguments about leaving her phone downstairs at night time and to date we haven't managed to control this. I swing from feeling like a failure as a parent and that I'm letting her down, to thinking she needs to learn self control. I know she's on her phone at night when she should be sleeping (even though she lies about doing it), but I can't seem to get through to her how bad it is for her well being. Unfortunately my husband grew up in a violent household and tends to avoid confrontation which leaves alot of this down to me. When other parents happily tell you how their children willingly pop their phones downstairs at bedtime it just makes you feel even more rubbish....should I be wishing for a child who is like this or celebrating my feisty, independent but lying DD?

Feeling at a complete loss, out of my depth, floundering....who knew parenting could be such fun, lol. I know I need to keep reminding myself that actually it is fun at times, she is amazing as well as frustrating.

I do sympathise! If it’s an iphone you can use Screentime. Or threaten to stop paying the bill? I feel we have to be bodyguards for them, when technology sets out to addict them to this extent.

machinebee Thank you 😀.

I totally get it, somehow you are always in the middle of the sandwich or always the one to problem solve and take care of others. Eg menopausal? Noo you're just moaning, everybody else has more valid problems 😁.

To some extent I think we have ourselves to blame, we care!

I have been wondering... I think we (parents) are not looked upon as persons in our own right (but as caregivers). Not necessarily a bad thing, but explain some dynamics. I have certainly been guilty of that, my parents were just mum and dad, always there, always accountable... Atleast way up in old age, then the tables turned but that a different story.
Hope it makes some sense, if you think about your relationship with your own parents. Or perhaps it's just me 😊.

I think this is the only place I can ask this question without being reported as a perv- how often do you manage to get your teens to shower? Don't they have a pungent smell at this age? I'm only achieving it every other day,and I'm wondering whether it's a battle worth picking or not.

@ tickling that actually makes perfect sense, I think I have spent the last 20 years with no identity of my own and it gradually being eroded away into 'care giver' and yes I think my parents were always there too although I was certainly never as emotionally needy as my kids have been. I do now seem to have started getting my life back the last month or so, it feels weird.

@tinsel, yes it is a battle worth fighting for their own sakes they stink, I only noticed it with mine once they stopped swimming daily.

Every day. I found once it was routine (in the morning while he’s still half asleep) it was less problematic. Weekends can be a struggle...

@Tarrara ....it sounds like you're trying so hard with little reward. So tough. I always find with DS16 that food ain't a bad place to start. I know that sounds over simplistic but he can be utterly rank and then 15 mins later after downing a large pizza he's all smiles....DH is the same. Hope that CAMHS can as you say redirect him back on track. I get migraines too - awful, I feel them building a couple of days beforehand. Honestly, if you can do it, a couple of solid nights kip do help.
Re: showering, I just say "I think you need a shower X...tonight, in fact why don't you pop up right now and have one". DD18 is fine in that dept, though DS16 far less. A bath with an iPad tends to tempt him though.

Maths GCSE not good today. He came back v unhappy. DD seems so so with A Levels. Just trying to keep it all calm.

@tinsel well I'm lucky if it's twice a week! Luckily she doesn't tend to pong but that's not really an excuse. I nag and I nag but other than that she's bigger than me so I can't physically lift her into the shower. I'm hoping one day it'll all just click.

Regarding the phones, we tried using the iphone screen time restrictions but again it's an easy work around if you're determined enough. I think we'll have another "chat" and hope that works, shakes her head doubtfully. She's already restricted on wifi but again she can use up her data allowance which I've kept pretty low for this reason.

Hi, really need this thread! DS (14) is an almost school refuser, he feigns illness a lot to not attend and is generally negative about everything.

I know its just "teenage" stuff but its so stressful, he seems awfully down a lot of the time about everything, saying there's no point in anything. I have long term depression (on ADs which mostly work and keep me on the level although I have instances of depressive thoughts almost every day) and worry that he's going to be the same

I've read through and its reassuring to hear similar experiences and tips on dealing with difficulties, thank you

Bathing, I simply don't get it. Teens have always been notorious for using every last drop of warm water. My dd showered at intervals? I put that down to being a 'horse girl' (you wouldn't dream how the bathroom at the stables look 🤮). But then competition between girls in school and a desire to have a bf changed bathing routines for the better. My ds has always been really good at it, it's the shaving that is sporatic 😀. Best advice is to tell them what their peers think.

billybagpus as with the bathing, I find it equally weird (yet also good to some extend) how open and emotionally needy my dc are/have been. Of course it was different times, but I would never ever have confided in my mum the way my dc have. It has been lovely that they trust me and feel secure. But at times it has been everything that has been shared/they thought I could solve for them. I know, I shouldn't complain, but it has been/is draining at times. Then when my dd has had real problems, I would have had better conversations with an oister 🙅‍♀️.

Now I feel old, reading what I have written, I can see that times have just changed from when the dinosaurs walked the earth, and I was a teen 😢.