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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help - need to know what is reasonable for teens within the home/ at parties, alcoholwise?

84 replies

Wisteria · 16/07/2007 13:11

We've always allowed our dd (now nearly 14) to have the odd drink at home, no problems with that. We are now entering the 'party' stage and they are all having the odd bottle of WKD etc when they're out and about. I trust my dd, she's very responsible generally but am worried that I allow the correct amount etc.
Part of me thinks I should let them have what they want (within reason) so they learn the hard way - at home where they're safe. But the other part of me is worried for them and I don't want to be the 'easy' mum IYSWIM.
Any thoughts/ advice/ experience?

This weekend I have said she can have an end of term party and want to know what you would allow/ if anything? I don't want to force them out onto the park etc as I don't tolerate that at all.

OP posts:
RGPargy · 16/07/2007 13:19

In all honesty, i dont think it's up to you to dish out the booze to her mates as i'm sure their parents wouldn't be too happy, especially if they ended up worse for wear. Having said that, my DS had a couple of beers/smirnoff ice etc if he went to a party, but would tend to drink more if he was staying there the night. I didn't mind if he was having a couple of drinks but would hate it if the parents of the kids weren't responsible enough to know when enough was enough, IYSWIM. Once (and only once) did my DS throw up an entire bottle of red wine over my cream carpet, and i was absolutely not pleased at all!! He was even less pleased when i made him clear it up and scrub the carpet!!

I think personally i would have just a few bottles of WKD etc around so that it's not possible to overdo it and then just make sure you have plenty of other stuff for them to guzzle, i.e. Schloer type stuff, coke, etc.

HTH

HuwEdwards · 16/07/2007 13:22

at 13/14? I think I would feel the need to check with the parents of the kids invited to make sure they were ok, tbh.

WendyWeber · 16/07/2007 13:24

Agree that a few bottles of eg WKD would be fine but suggest you pat down all the visitors (and watch them as they arrive to make sure they don't hide anything outside. I am serious!)

Original poster
Wisteria · 16/07/2007 13:24

No to not my responsibility to dishing out to mates, but I think you and I are alone in that thought, I would have expected a phone call or otherwise from parents checking it's ok but have never received one and have come to the conclusion that although I thought I was quite laid back, it seems other parents are moreso.

Can I ask what age your ds was when all this happened?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisteria · 16/07/2007 13:25

She's only having 5 friends but my younger dd is also having 5 friends so it has to be controlled and responsible.

OP posts:
RGPargy · 16/07/2007 13:37

My DS was about 15 at the time of the carpet incident, IIRC. He's just turned 17 now and isn't really into boozing (as far as I know, anyway!!). He has the odd beer on a Friday/Saturday night, but that's about it.

If she's only having 5 friends, then i would say that perhaps just allow one bottle each as two bottles at that age could make them quite tipsy - not good! You could also just make sure it's the older ones that get the WKDs by giving one to them personally, in case any of the younger ones get any clever ideas!!

donnie · 16/07/2007 13:38

just obey the law . Simple.

Original poster
Wisteria · 16/07/2007 13:43

With all due respect, that's easier said than done Donnie. I think making it taboo leads to more abuse outside the home personally.
RGP - my initial thought was one bottle each so am glad that you agree, thanks for tips about younger ones but they're all 11 and not at all interested; I will be keeping my eyes on them anyway and not allowing them to stay up all night downstairs using computer, ps2 and dvds as her friend's parents did last weekend

OP posts:
fairyjay · 16/07/2007 13:45

Long discussions in our house on this one Wisteria.

Ds is 15 and is going to a number of parties this holiday - several of them sleepovers - where I know alcohol will be available. He has been told that I trust him to be sensible, and if he misuses that trust, he won't go to any further party.

Ds and dd - who is 14 - are having a joint party at the end of the holiday. I have put on the invitation that limited alcohol will be available, so that the parents who do not want their children to be tempted, can keep them away!

Having said that, consumption will be carefully monitored by me, dh and various other adults - and very limited choices and quantities available.

Anyone got a recipe for a non-alcoholic punch that I could tell them was alcoholic!

EmilyDavidson · 16/07/2007 13:46

13 is very young to be hosting a boozy party. In all honestly I wouldnt have let my dd go to a party like that at 13. They do need to learn to drink responsibly but not at such a young age. If her mates go to the park and do it anyway then thats very sad but not your issue.
My dd started going to parties with drink available when she was 15. She was absolutely as drunk as a skunk at the first one ,but has been very moderate since.
Personally i wouldnt ever have a load of drunk teenagers in my house!

mumblechum · 16/07/2007 13:48

My ds (13 in Sept) has never shown any interest in alcohol, so I have this to come, however I'd be very careful about what they're bringing in.

A friend of ours let his sons have a NYE party with strictly limited alcohol being supplied by him, but the friends were bringing booze in by the rucksack and inevitably it ended in tears.

Is there really that much of an expectation that 13 and 14 yr olds will have alcohol? Maybe the reason the other parents haven't phoned is that they don't realise drink will be available? >

Original poster
Wisteria · 16/07/2007 13:48

who mentioned a boozy party!!?? I am talking about allowing a small amount so that they don't feel it's a taboo and hopefully that will lessen the chances of them getting drunk on the park etc when I can't supervise!

OP posts:
malovitt · 16/07/2007 13:49

Donnie, it's not against the law for children to drink alcohol at home as long as an adult is present.

Original poster
Wisteria · 16/07/2007 13:50

No they know, because they buy it for them!

It's very difficult to strike the right balance I think and also very easy to have strong opinions until your dcs come to that age.

OP posts:
EmilyDavidson · 16/07/2007 13:50

But wisteria if you allow booze they will bring their own as well as drinking yours cos they will probably think it is going to be a boozy party

fairyjay · 16/07/2007 13:51

To be fair Emily, Wisteria is having a group of 5, so it is really little more than letting friends have a glass one wine with supper, when they're over for the evening.

We have done that from 13, when we know friends' parents would be happy about it.

My ds (15) has just had his first two 'boozy' parties, and having been subjected to mammoth discussions - including making him read about the 13 year old boy who overdid his partying and ended up having his stomach pumped - he has been very sensible, and just had a couple of drinks at each.

I'm sure the time will come that he will go ott, but at the moment he's being treated as a sensible kid, and is responding.

Piffle · 16/07/2007 13:51

Ask all the other parents first. If all agree on a set amount then fine.
I'd be absolutely effing livid if my ds (13)was offered a drink at someones house with their parents knowledge.

the odd bottle when out and about?
What around the parks? Supermarket carparks?
Classy and responsible indeed. Sorry find it hard not to judge here after trying to be non judgemental

Original poster
Wisteria · 16/07/2007 13:55

Well if trying not to be judgemental then maybe asking what I meant by out and about first would have been better advised .
I meant at other parties/ friend's houses!

OP posts:
chopchopbusybusy · 16/07/2007 13:56

DD1 is 13, nearly 14 and I would not even consider allowing her to have alcohol at a party. She wouldn't want it anyway. She has tried wine and beer and is not keen. I know her friends parents would think the same tbh.

Original poster
Wisteria · 16/07/2007 13:56

Emily - yes I understand what you mean but I know they won't be bringing any extra as they are all well known to me and I will check anyway - I was a very rebellious teen so do have some idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisteria · 16/07/2007 14:00

I wouldn't have allowed it at parties etc myself if it wasn't happening anyway at other friends' houses. I don't want to alienate them by not allowing something that they see as the norm and force them to go elsewhere. That's why I started the post, as I wanted a general consensus of opinion.
I would much rather not have to deal with this yet but there it is and I would rather be in tune with them all now than lose them - at least she does still tell me everything at the moment.

OP posts:
Lilymaid · 16/07/2007 14:10

Watch out for the vodka put in a lemonade bottle. There is usually somebody who tries to get spirits in at a party at that age. Be prepared to sniff bottles to check on this.

Original poster
Wisteria · 16/07/2007 14:15

Lily - think I'd better sample everything .
That's a good point, will add to list of checks! They've never bothered bringing their own stuff yet - prefer me to shell out I think!

OP posts:
RGPargy · 16/07/2007 14:21

At the end of the day, everyone is different so nobody can say that all teenagers at age 14 will do X, Y and Z. I also was a rebellious teenager and would quite often be served with half a lager at the age of 13 (i'm sure bar staff are 1,000 times stricter these days), and as well as that, if there was a party going, i would be sure on getting p*ssed there if i could!! (maybe not at 13, but deffo by 15!).

I think you are being sensible Wisteria, by allowing your DD and her mates to indulge in one drink of WKD (or whatever). I think it will make them feel very grown up and responsible and i'm sure they will feel priviledged that you have allowed them to have it at your DD's little get together. It will show them that you think of them as little ladies, rather than children so will earn you lots of brownie points!

Perhaps just to cover your back, you should just check with the other parents that they are happy for their kids to have the one bottle, under your strict supervision.

EmilyDavidson · 16/07/2007 14:26

wisteria how about telling your dd there is one WKD each in the fridge and if you want them thats fine. So its kind of up to the kids if they want to. Have plenty of J2o or whatever in fridge too. That way no-one will feel pressurized into having alcohol if they dont fancy it.

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