Help - need to know what is reasonable for teens within the home/ at parties, alcoholwise?

[Wisteria]

We've always allowed our dd (now nearly 14) to have the odd drink at home, no problems with that. We are now entering the 'party' stage and they are all having the odd bottle of WKD etc when they're out and about. I trust my dd, she's very responsible generally but am worried that I allow the correct amount etc.
Part of me thinks I should let them have what they want (within reason) so they learn the hard way - at home where they're safe. But the other part of me is worried for them and I don't want to be the 'easy' mum IYSWIM.
Any thoughts/ advice/ experience?

This weekend I have said she can have an end of term party and want to know what you would allow/ if anything? I don't want to force them out onto the park etc as I don't tolerate that at all.

Sorry that was quite negative. I don't really know what the answer is. Just that I would be very careful about allowing 13 year olds alcohol in my house. They are going to get drunk quicker than an adult, so the amounts they are drinking are not comparable. I would also worry about the expectations that a social event = an event where you have alcohol. That's a big pressure for a 13 year old and I think it is the wrong message to give them - that YOU expect that they will want to / need to be drinking every time they get together in a group.

No, sure you're right. It is a fine line and I wonder how many actually get it right?
So much depends on your child's personality as well doesn't it? My parents were very strict about everything and that worked the opposite for me so I guess the middle ground is where I need to be!

The one thing I will do differently because of this thread is to just leave the bottles in the fridge and leave it up to them to choose between that and J20/ shloer etc.
Of course I will make sure that they drink responsibly too (and one of them doesn't neck all 5 bottles!).

The rule book would be a best seller.
(I do have a virtual answers-to-daft questions book which comes in v handy at times).
Have a good party.

Wisteria, in a rush so haven't had time to read all the posts - will come back and do so later as really interested! We have a close group of friends who we spend a lot of time with socially. Our DS and several of the other children are yr 9s. Alcohol consumption has become a bit of an issue as views range from very liberal, "let them have what they want learn the hard way if they overdo it" to very strict "nothing at all". I'm against banning it because it makes it more attractive but also against totally liberal view because I think 13/14 year old bodies shouldn't be being abused like that (one has been sick on several occasions, but her parents still don't seem to be restricting what she drinks)
I think you need to speak to each of the parents and ask them what they feel, and be very clear that you are talking one little drink each. Not sure what happens if all except 1 say ok, mind you, but I do think you need to check with the other parents. And watch out for them sneaking extra booze in, they can be very devious!

Our children are have been allowed tastes of our drinlks from the age of about 10 ( only wine and beer and only sips). DD1 is now 20 and not living at home now. She does drinkbut is very sensible about it. DD2 17 does not realy like alcohol although she has had the occasional bucks fizz and she does go to parties where i'm aware that there might be alcohol although her none of her friends are really into drinking. They still go to under 18's clubs where alcohol isn't allowed and they are very strict on searching bags. She is allowed to have a small amount of drink at parties as I trust her to be sensible. I would not have allowed her to go to parties where thier was alcohol at 16. DD3 15 doesn't drink alcohol and I would not let her go to parties where any was available.
I would not provide any alcohol for under 18's parties in my home.

Most people I know who have had the "liberal upbringing" with parents who encouraged drinking have ended up with some sort of alcohol dependency. My husband is an alcoholic (now sober) and grew up in this way. My own judgment of what is a "normal" amount to drink is skewed by my own liberal upbringing.

Alcohol is addictive and we drink far, far to much of it in this country. What annoys me about this thread is that it is implied that without alcohol a party cannot be fun or enjoyable. This really is a cultural norm in this country. Would be good if this could be changed.

Am off back to the dependent drinkers thread now.

It is a hard one. Have a 14 DD and she does occasionally have a glass of bucks fizz etc with us. Not sure if she has had bacardi breezers etc at parties (wouldn't be naive enough to think she hasn't) but I personally wouldn't be responsible for other children in my house drinking.

It is hard enough being responsible for my own dc - don't want to worry about other peoples'. Haven't had a party here, but have had friends back on a Friday night. I just get grown up snacks (dips and tortilla chips) and have J20's and non alcholic bucks fizz etc. Seem happy with that at the moment.

It is a fine line in not wanting to make it taboo and not wanting her to think it is normal for 14 yr olds to be drinking alcohol.

Bloody hard work this teenager lark

I don't think anyone implied that a party couldn't be fun without alcohol did they? (I certainly don't think that)
I take your point Oyu and feel sorry that you've had to see the other side of alcoholic life, I have seen it too through an xp and a very good friend but personally feel that teaching young adults to enjoy alcohol responsibly is all part of parenting in the 21st century. I can only go on personal experience and know that a complete ban is just as damaging, as they are more likely to want it.
I have phoned the other parents now and they were all fine about it, saying that 2 bottles is ok. I don't agree personally and shall only be providing one and lots of alternatives. I shall be checking them all (and bags) too.

Many thanks to everyone for your varied suggestions and views.

I don't think that it is necessary to provide alcohol to the event. A gathering of 6 people does not constitute a 'party' where one might expect alcohol. When my DD had girly-get-togethers at this age, the thought never even entered my head!
It will send a bad message to your younger DD and her mates (in fact, they provide a handy excuse for not having alcohol, without seeming like a kill-joy).

Would someone like to do some psychoanalysis on Wisteria's comment "I still love a drink (glass of red nearly every night without fail)"

Auntyflo - that's harsh! I think it is fairly good for you to have a glass of red a night, well medical opinion seems to think so anyway!

I love a glass of red as much as the next woman but it was the 'without fail' part that did it for me!
What messages are your DD getting?

They are getting the message that their Mum enjoys a glass of wine with her dinner in the evening!
They have never seen me drunk, as I don't drink to excess (although did in my youth).

I also suffer with chronic pain and it helps to relax me. I think your post was overly harsh, sorry.

I have 3 DSs - 19 (nearly 20), 16 & 14 and have never provided alcohol for under 18 parties. The 16yo is offered a small glass wine/ beer if out for meals. I certainly wouldn't be happy for the 16 or 14yo to be offered alcohol at a party and would hope that the parents would let me know. I think you are right to tell the parents Wisteria, if you are going to have some available at your party. You are clearly a responsible parent or you wouldn't be asking for MN opinions. God I sound such a prude - always felt I was laid back with my DSs - obviously not!

Mum - thanks, I was beginning to feel like a burgeoning alcoholic mother!
I think you are really lucky if it's not been an issue for yours, I was really shocked a few months ago to find out that other parents thought it was the norm at their age so have had to radically rethink my own views and after the telecons last night feel that I am one of the more restrictive parents, not (as I thought) one of the more laid back!
Luckily (I suppose), dd1 went to a party the other night and came home totally shocked that one of her friends had drunk so much she'd been sick, she thought it was disgusting - I hope that bodes well for the future.
They won't be doing that on Friday, believe me!

Sorry just received this mail from a friend and thought it was funny so would share it; given the topic of discussion....

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Remember:

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I am obviously joking before you all shoot me down in flames!

In my expereince the only difference between my friends with liberal parents and those with strict parents was that the liberal parents knew where their children where and what they were up to and the strict parents got lied to.
Of course the strict parents would have sworn black and blue that thier daughters were more responsible, mature and not really that interested in drinking compared to the "others". In fact they were often the worst of the lot!

Still, 14 is pretty young to be drinking I would have thought, but hey, I'm 30 and already totally out of touch with teen-culture!

Sweety - how true! I lied all the time to my ultra strict parents and my best friend didn't to her liberal hippy parents (she was even allowed to smoke in the house, dope and tobacco!; we did the same things together and both survived to tell the tale but she found it much easier to stay on the vague path that her parents had mapped out for her whereas I took my rebellion too far and left school .
I think talking and keeping the channels of communication open is far more important than anything!

I'll never drink anything less than 100% proof vodka again!

Sorry but i would be raging if one of my friends parents allowed or even worse condoned alcohol at end of term party at 14.
Is it legal ?
I am friendly with many of dds parents and i know they would feel the same . Do 14 yr olds actually want to drink alcohol ? I know im a little niave but what are they going to do 18 or at Uni if thay`ve already done it all at 14.
I thought alcohol could be served at home at 14 but not sure if its legal to give it to other peoples children-good job really imo.

dd is going to a party on friday night - a lot of kids are going, all 14, and they have ordred 200 bottles of WKD allegedly. Im not happy but have instilled it into dd that she is only allowed 1 drink!

Hello - I think it might depend on your dcs peergroup and area that you live tbh but I think you might also be being a little naive.

I'm afraid they do drink at that age, whether they admit it to you or not (maybe your dd doesn't). We didn't wait til we were 18 and at uni when I was younger, did you?? Tbh I would rather my dd gets a hold on responsible enjoyment now while she is coming home to me and I can pick up the pieces (which hopefully there won't be) than when she is at uni and possibly (if previously unaware of her reactions to alcohol) a bit naive to the effects amongst strangers and what that could entail.

Yes i see what you mean.
we have always allowed our dc to have a little wine as they got older , but with a meal or on a special occassion.
I would never presume to give it other children tho.

ds1 is 13.5 and I regularly allow him small amounts of alcohol. However, if I was hosting a party for his friends then I would never provide alcohol at this age without consulting all the other parents first. If they all agreed I would let them have one WKD each and the rest of the time it would have to be soft drinks.