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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Help - need to know what is reasonable for teens within the home/ at parties, alcoholwise?

84 replies

Wisteria · 16/07/2007 13:11

We've always allowed our dd (now nearly 14) to have the odd drink at home, no problems with that. We are now entering the 'party' stage and they are all having the odd bottle of WKD etc when they're out and about. I trust my dd, she's very responsible generally but am worried that I allow the correct amount etc.
Part of me thinks I should let them have what they want (within reason) so they learn the hard way - at home where they're safe. But the other part of me is worried for them and I don't want to be the 'easy' mum IYSWIM.
Any thoughts/ advice/ experience?

This weekend I have said she can have an end of term party and want to know what you would allow/ if anything? I don't want to force them out onto the park etc as I don't tolerate that at all.

OP posts:

Lilymaid · 16/07/2007 14:26

The vodka is often in half bottles or something that can be carried/hidden on them. Sorry that I am a bit of an old spoilsport but it isn't much fun taking a young teenager down to A&E (and dealing with furious parents) when they have drunk half a bottle or more. The majority at that age won't try more than a sip of strong liquor but there is always one who will.

PenelopePitstops · 16/07/2007 14:31

wisteria you are being really sensible about this, and your theory is correct. My mum allowed and brought us alcohol at homefrom about 13/14 in small amounts and now we are 18/19 we are responsible, unlike some of our friends to which drinking is still a novelty and inevitably they binge drink.

donnie there is nothing illegal in what wisteria is doing, taking them to a pub and buying them drinks would be illegal but children are allowed in your own home

all teenagers are different and if your dds friends have had partiies with alcohol then you should let them have one bottle each and monitor it. Being such a small group they probably wont try and sneak more in or anything. hope you and they enjoy it!

PenelopePitstops · 16/07/2007 14:32

that should say children are allowed to drink at home!

Haylstones · 16/07/2007 14:42

I would personaly be horrified if my under age child was given alcohol by anyone (dd is only 3 so not an issue but if all other parents have agreed it's OK then you have to judge the situation based on your knowledge of the individuals- 1 WKD would be more than enough IMO and as other posters have said I'd be checking everything and everybody very carefully! Shouldn't be too difficult with only 5 of them though.
FWIW, my parents were very strict about alcohol and yes we used to smuggle some out to friends' houses and drink at parties but I can honestly say I never drank so much it affected my senses or behaviour before 18. Even after 18 I drank responsibly and now don't drink at all...never. So banning it at home doesn't necesarily lead to an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
Good luck

Original poster

Wisteria · 16/07/2007 14:52

Thank you for all your opinions, views etc. It will be in the fridge along with plenty of alternatives J20 etc and a plain fruit punch (I did toy with making a punch and pretending it was alcoholic but decided that would be stupid and dishonest - lying is my big bugbear).

When my children were 5 etc I would not have dreamt that this would happen so soon or that I would be providing it but wait until it happens to you before you judge etc!

Haylstones, maybe you never enjoyed it enough anyway I think you are in a minority tbh . I still love a drink (glass of red nearly every night without fail) and I would not expect my dcs to grow up without getting mashed on occasion, think that would be unrealistic - just would rather they were a bit older first!

OP posts:

Haylstones · 16/07/2007 14:59

I'm sure my dd will drink too much on occasion but I don't think it'll be because I don't allow her to drink at home. I fully expect her to do so and I will discuss it with her; I just won't be encouraging it. My biggest issue would be with other adults allowing her to have it but if the other parents have agreed then there is no issue. FWIW, I work with teenagers and do know about how they mix with alcohol! SOme of their parents are more laid back than others but tbh I personally don't see any difference in attitudes. I admit I don't know everything about them though so that's just my glanced opinion.

Tortington · 16/07/2007 15:03

im not a prude but i think 14 is too young.

now your taing to the mother who wnt nd bough bottles f stella for her 17 year old to go hand around some skatepark.

but 14 - no way. not without me being there spcial reat kind of hing

i certaily would not have other peoples children in my house - cavorting it around like its the norm.

I wouldn't let it happen -the WKD etc.

would not entertain 'party' at 14 wit wkd full stop

noddyholder · 16/07/2007 15:05

I agree with custy they are too young to think this is 'ok' and 'normal'behaviour for 13 yr olds.A couple of beers at 15/16 is one thing but alco pops are the work of the devil at any age.Be careful with other peoples kids too it could end in tears

Original poster

Wisteria · 16/07/2007 15:08

So if it's happening everywhere else (ie, at other parties) what would you do Custardo?
I am worried that if I go against the flow then they will choose not to have their 'get togethers' here and I will then have no control or knowledge about what goes on - as they say, you can't choose their friends although at times we'd all like to!
We are talking about 1 bottle (little bottle) each, not copious amounts and certainly not on the park (that's an arrestable offence).

OP posts:

Tortington · 16/07/2007 15:11

i wouldn't let them go to other parties if thatwas the case.

RGPargy · 16/07/2007 15:12

At 14 tho, they all think they're grown up and will try god knows what, with or without their parents' permission!

Kids these days are alot more grown up than I ever was (or at least they think they are!!)

Original poster

Wisteria · 16/07/2007 15:13

Hmmm - I'd be worried about setting myself up for huge teenage girl rebellion, as my parents did! Not a pretty sight I assure you!

OP posts:

RGPargy · 16/07/2007 15:15

You'll be fine, Wisteria. I really wouldn't worry.

chopchopbusybusy · 16/07/2007 15:16

Agree with noddyholder that alcopops are the work of the devil.

Wisteria, I am not going to be pressurised by the "but everyone else is doing it" argument by my DDs. DD1 is the same age as your DD so I speak from experience. They don't need alcohol to have a good time at a party - and to be honest one bottle of WKD is really not going to have an effect on them anyway. My DD and her friends are very happy with loads of popcorn and a good DVD. Maybe a bit of a pamper type party if that's their thing. Chocolate cake...etc.

chopchopbusybusy · 16/07/2007 15:18

I should just add that I was a very rebellious teenager but my DD is very different, mainly, I think, because she has had a completely different upbringing from the one I had. We also have a much more open relationship than I had with my mother.

Original poster

Wisteria · 16/07/2007 15:21

Maybe we live in a different area or something and they are growing up faster here (you do have to change your opinions sometimes as they grow up) but I know that they don't think they need it, I just want to make sure it's not an issue as they are growing up.

Alcopops are not wonderful I agree but it's what they seem to drink at that age and far better for their vital organs than the 2litres of cider or Thunderbirds that I remember being the drink of choice when I was 14......

OP posts:

Tortington · 16/07/2007 15:25

whilst i agree that the area and social influence play a huge part.
it seems like - rather tha asking a genuine question - the responses from which would help a decision - you have made your mind up - and either wanted support or confessional.

chopchopbusybusy · 16/07/2007 15:35

Custy, I agree - and said so eloquently. Wisteria, thank you for reminding me that I need to change my opinions sometimes as they grow up. I would never have realised that for myself

Original poster

Wisteria · 16/07/2007 16:06

Ooops- seems I have upset/ offended you, and it was unintentional I promise.
Looking for reassurance certainly but it was a genuine question, I wanted to hear all your opinions and take any advice for food for thought.
Yes I'd already decided to let them have a drink, I just wanted to see what others allowed etc and how it has been monitored so I appreciate everyones points of views and whilst I might not agree with you all I have received some valuable advice.

And the - 'you have to change your opinions' comment was aimed as much at myself as anyone, certainly not at you chopchop. I had decided what I would and wouldn't allow from a much earlier age but it has had to change as the girls have got older and their friends are allowed to do things that I was originally against.

OP posts:

slowreader · 16/07/2007 16:11

I have a ds14 and he is allowed the occasional glass of wine, v rare 1/2 pt etc. but imo that is an entirely different thing to offering to his friends.
I just wouldn't. I would get some posh fizzy fruit juices etc.

Original poster

Wisteria · 16/07/2007 16:16

I wouldn't be considering it if it wasn't already happening I assure you. As it is happening though, there seems little I can do to stop it. I have educated my daughter as best I can as to the dangers and she has seen film of someone having their stomach pumped out which probably shocked her more than anything would.
At least it is out in the open I suppose, instead of it being hidden in the bushes at the park as it was when I was younger, we were certainly in more danger.

OP posts:

chopchopbusybusy · 16/07/2007 16:18

No problem Wisteria. That to me is the problem with MN, things don't always translate that well in writing

Original poster

Wisteria · 16/07/2007 16:23

Prob'ly my fault, was rushing before the school run.
I hate this teenage parenting lark and want them to go back to me having total control over what they ate, drank, wore etc. I wish someone had written a rulebook and all parents had to allow the same things at the same times! shall post on Sat and let you know what happened!

OP posts:

RGPargy · 16/07/2007 16:27

Good luck! I hope your DCs enjoy the get together.

FirenzeandZooey · 16/07/2007 16:32

I think there is a fine line between not making it taboo, and letting what are basically children get drunk and start to enjoy the feeling of being drunk

I was allowed to drink from a young age by my 'liberal around alcohol' parents, and I ended up with a drink problem. Being very relaxed about drinking doesn't necessarily mean you will give your children a healthy attitude to drinking.

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