Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

‘This latest big row has really made me rather frightened to ask him to do anything‘
Same here. Terrible rage and insults, he really seems to hate us. Parenting books all say give them treats and quality time- there is nothing he will do with us, even eating in the same room he cannot bear mostly! We used to be so loving. But I do believe they need limits and not to feel overpowerful. The one thing I have found helps a bit is clear consistent rules and consequences, and only trying to change one thing at a time. Also bribery with money or junk food for good behaviour. End of school today, I’m dreading having him at home as I work here...

Girls you are a real help to me. DD just left with her Dad after a massive row. I’m so cross with myself because I’ve kept it in for so long. She said some terrible and hurtful things (I didn’t). Luckily my ex is really supportive or I honestly don’t think I could carry on. If photos and videos weren’t outing I’d post them here so you could see I wasnt always a shit Mum.

Keep going @strawberrisc this won't last forever

This is such a good thread, it definitely helps to hear others in a similar situation, not that I’d wish that on anyone!

I’m ridiculously happy tonight as DDs ‘drinking partner’ is away with her parents so she’s not going out. My Friday evenings are usually spent anxiously as DD doesn’t seem to have an off switch with alcohol and has got herself into a terrible state on a few occasions and really misjudged situations with guys/lifts home/staying out etc.

We’ve talked and talked and argued with her but the risky behaviour continues. I’m all for having a few drinks and a laugh but it’s a whole different level with her and I’m terrified she’ll end up hurt or worse.

But I’m obv just a fussy old nag who has never been young and enjoyed herself

What makes me the most sad is reading the threads on toxic parents thinking oh god I do how thats not what my kids think of me

hope not how

Billy it has gone through my mind that perhaps some of those people put their parents through very tricky times growing up but look back with a very different view. Obv not in the case of many that experienced serious abuse or neglect.

My weekend drama began as soon as i came in from work what time are u leaving me in town so i said makesure your friends meet u somewhere i can see who u are meeting and she said ok. On way down to town I had to do most of the talking or she would have been on the phone as we got closer to town I said where are u meet oh they are in Mc donalds so once again I was raging that I didnt see who she with. She sent me one msg I with bf now and I msg her back enjoy yourselves 3 times and she hasnt even opened my messages she knows I worry and she turned off location on phone Im to collect her at 11 no doubt I will have another drama then hope you all have a good weekend

Sending you hugs @mcmen I'm sure she's fine

and @sandy I agree 100% but would never dare say it on the main threads.

Teenagers....bloody nightmare!
DS (17) at a party that I had to drop him off at. No doubt he will phone at stupid o clock asking for a lift.
That's my wine off the cards tonight then.
Does it get better...really?

Turns out that with some kids if you turn off the wifi they genuinely threaten suicide. If you say they can’t go to a party they escape off the roof. If you remove everything from them they literally just sleep for 24 hours and your heart is in your mouth every time you check on them.

strawberrisc this is so true. Hang in there. I have the most defiant teen DS16. School cannot comprehend how rude he is and totally oblivious to rules and sanctions. At home he insists the more sanctions we put in place the less likely he is to do what we want. And he totally follows this through. Couple this with veiled threats about what he will do if challenged; I am constantly anxious when he is out and on edge while he is at school (that's when he actually GOES to school, as obviously that is only when he feels like it).
mcmen71 and jessicawessica and others - a shout out to everyone hanging around before doing a late pick up; trying not to drink wine or fall asleep! Don't forget the sick bucket/bag in the car (as I know to my cost )

Hi everyone
I’ve been reading, am feeling so flat and drained from the week.

Ds is downstairs with friends and has come up twice to ‘check’ on me, I’ve had a headache. I’m so suspicious of his gesture I’m convinced my kitchen is full of cigarettes and booze.

I’m not going to look-is that awful?

Sometimes I think it’s not me it’s him then others I wonder what I did wrong, it’s a mental tug of war.

Take care of yourselves x

@jessica you’re on the last stretch with the lifts etc. and it’s bliss not to have to do the late night stop ups.

We have a very strict no alcohol at all if you’re driving policy which has been very easy to implement as they know I’ve never had so much as a liquor chocolate if I have to drive and my DF who is a heavy drinker is the same. We also have a I’d rather come and get you/pay for a taxi if your lift has been drinking policy. So mostly they drive themselves and don’t drink.

Can't take credit for our name, PoTs, it was theGodmother

mixedcolours

I totally agree that these books advocate total passivity which is may be culturally more American ( strangely).

In my experience with my DS, he is a slow burner, so he swears at me and I say that is totally unacceptable, to speak to me like that. He is not listening at the time but will say sorry later ( probably just before asking for money, but it's something)

Also I ( shout) how he should be behaving. So " you should be bloody well tidying up, rather than being rude" It makes me feel better.

DH is more " traditional" in that he just shouts and goes right to the teenage level. I find that less useful, but DH seems to be less troubled, long term, by the rowing than I am.

I feel like we're are the squeezed generation: we did what our parents say, and now we do what our kids say. It's suffocating.

I also think that it is worth having the row or saying no and that that is not so much a nail in the coffin as feeling totally walked over.

It's super tough and I don't know why I am trying to sound like I know anything. Last night DS went out after drinking 4 cans I'd Carlesberg with his mate and took another four with them. DH said it was far too much booze but I just wanted him to turn his awful music off and go out without a row.

Oh yes I meant to comment re " natural" consequences

DS likes to throw his phone up and down in the air ( you know that handset that costs an arm and a leg) and always says, it's calm, it's cool I won't drop it.

EXCEPT DH and I mange the two years between the contracts with intact phones that we can pass them on, but DS smashes his to bits every few months.

The last time he did it Isaid he had to wait for his birthday and so was without a phone for about 8 weeks. This phone is still perfect after two months......fingers crossed and touching wood.

Are teens worse than before? I was a positive angel! No kidding my mum was quite scary and I was very shy and quiet - my sister even told me that my pretend wee worried that I was too good and quiet as a teen.

Pretend wee? Parents were!

Hey everyone! at pretend wee!

[Started writing this post earlier but it got swallowed so fingers crossed this one posts ok.]

First, apologies to TheGodmother for not attributing genius Po Ts correctly

And "who knows" LordProfFekko? I genuinely don't know if they are worse than before or not. I suppose societal norms have become more "lax" (for want of a better word) and our teens have grown up in that environment. My late mother was rather scary too, so now I've read that article, I am second-guessing whether I have remembered things correctly or not! It's a conundrum for sure!

Nakedscientist agree it's super tough and gosh yes ... .
I feel like we're are the squeezed generation: we did what our parents say, and now we do what our kids say. It's suffocating.
Totally, totally agree with this! It rather hit me between the eyes actually! It's so true. I do feel imprisoned by it all at times too.

I' m not sure those books are advocating total passivity though are they? Being in the midst of it, I can't really view any of this objectively any more, so what do I know? But I think they are trying to persuade us to "listen actively" ie hear the emotion behind the words, not the words themselves. I took that to be their main theme anyway.

So "you are a f*ing cow and I hate you and I wish you were dead" translates as "I am tired and fed up after school, I have period pain, and now you are asking me to do something really tedious like empty the dw and this will be my life for the next four years" . So instead of answering back in anger "well you are not so pleasant yourself at times missy" (for example ) we are meant to answer "it sounds as though you have had a very tough day".

So yes, I suppose that does add up to being trampled on but at least we have kept dialogue open ifyswim and instead of responding "I'm not a cow, you are, and you are a f*ing hypocrite too" she may just say instead "yes, well, school was crap, I failed chemistry and x was flirting with my boyfriend and I have period pain" so we can then sympathise and say "oh that sounds rotten, what is it about chemistry you find particularly difficult, but x phoned texted you tonight didn't he, and once you have had a paracetamol and a cup of tea, will you please empty the dishwasher?" .

Oh I don't know ! I'm spouting all of this because I've read all the theories but it isn't at all easy in rl. Sometimes I confess to having a visceral and instant reaction to the sneeriness that dd seems to reserve especially for when I am feel tired or unwell.

I know that it's not good to be walked over, but I do worry that constant rows will totally undermine my relationship with her. Tbh, I only really remember rows and simmering resentment from my teenage years at home - I don't really remember many happy times with my mother at all - so this is what I am trying to avoid I suppose.

I guess there is a balance to be achieved in this somewhere ... ?

[Posting this now so it doesn't get eaten and bbl to respond to the rest]

Just wanted to add to my response to Nakedscientist's post below is that I am writing it all from a position of, I think, having been far too reactive and shouty in the past, and as that hasn't really worked, I am trying to re-think my strategy. Who knows if it is the right one though?

Nakedscientist, Jessica, Whoops75, Mcmen71 and anyone else whose teen was out last night, or drinking, or both, I hope you all managed to get some sleep eventually and that your teens ended up safe and sound in their beds this morning! (And Whoops75 I hope your kitchen survived!)

The constant anxiety you describe while your ds is out Midlifemumofteens must be very draining indeed. And YY Markingplace it is the relentless uncertainty of all of this that gets to us I think.

Glad you are having a bit of a break from it BigSandyballs! And aye, I must confess the same thought has passed through my mind about those particular threads! Not that I have read them in great detail mind.

Hope you are enjoying a reprieve this weekend too Strawberrisc - whey hey to supportive xs - and you are NOT a shit mum. This isn't your fault. Honestly.

I am not at the stage of alcohol, or going too far afield (not with people we don't know yet anyway) or driving yet (thank heavens) but I know I am going to be a quivering wreck when it comes. Just as my sister was with my nephew. I don't think she slept properly for 4 years at weekends when he was going through the worst of it.

Will definitely be putting your strategy of "no drinking at all when it comes to cars" in to practice when the time comes though Billybagpuss and to be fair, I think a lot of teens are a lot more aware about this nowadays.

Mixedcolours My son just gets so provocative, argumentative and hostile at times that before I know it, we are engaged in a shouting match and insults are being exchanged. I could have written this myself (see post below)! Escalation is definitely not always avoidable. My dd can go from calm to explosive in 0.2 seconds! And back again!

Xeroxarama is your son at home with you for the Easter holidays? I used to look forward to holidays with dd but like you, I am now extremely "on edge" all the time and if I am honest, dread them to an extent.

Chaplin that sounds really lonely xxx I really sympathise when "Dad can do no wrong" I am the butt of all the angst and insults here - mainly because I am the one dealing with the minutiae and I'm the one who is around the most - dd's father is "fun Daddy"! Grrrrrrrr. It makes such a difference when one's partner is supportive I think. I sometimes think I am going mad having to battle with dh as well as dd (dh is much more laid back than me).

Coronapop I've asked my two (older) sisters about this and one of them said they remembered every detail of early childhood and hardly anything about adolescence. And the other said she remembered everything from both. So I don't know if that article is correct or not!

I am very worried (and like Mixedcolours sad) that it might be though!

Again, I hope I haven't missed anyone. Apologies if I have.

Good luck to all of us who are about to embark on a fortnight's Easter holiday together with a recalcitrant teen (or who are currently in the midst of it)! Hang in there! We can do this ..!

Apologies, I seem to have included a lot of moaning in the posts below, which were meant to be supportive/helpful not complete whinge-fests!

Things are actually (touch wood) going ok here atm. A tad grumpy but nothing too full on currently so I should be counting my blessings! Still walking on egg shells a bit though I must admit.

[tea] to all Po Ts!

Mixedcolours I meant to say that I can't imagine how hard it must be dealing with this while suffering from a chronic illness too xx

Hello fellow PoTs!

I too am trying hard to be less reactive and shouty Pegs. That's the message I've taken from most of the parenting books I've read, although yes, MixedColours it does feel like we're expected to be fucking saints! Some days I believe I actually am, the shit I put up with . Most days though I struggle through and feel like the total failure DD accuses me of being. Thank goodness for and . Like a few of you, I also comfort eat and have put on 3 stone in the last couple of years. Can't motivate myself to do anything about it though, and love too much tbh!

I'll try and attach a pic of some of the parenting books I've read. You'd think after all that, I'd have some answers to guide us through this teenage drama-fest, but sadly no. I think the best strategy for my MH is to detach, detach, detach..... Don't take it personally, ignore as much of the petty comments as I can, and find support from fellow PoTs! all round!

I misread one of the books as ‘your feral child’!