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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD15 sleepover with no parents present

113 replies

maloofhoof · 09/03/2019 16:08

DD15 is due to go to her friends tonight for a sleepover along with another friend. After speaking to one of the parents I've been told neither mum or dad will be home tonight and that the friends 19 yr old brother will be there to supervise. I'm really not comfortable with this, and had no idea until now that this was the plan. Would you let your 15 year old still go?

OP posts:
needthisthread · 12/03/2019 19:40

That's great. Because having our sons judged as potential sex offenders is disgusting.

None of my posts were about the difference between females and males. They were about judging 19year old males.

And OP I have already acknowledged the fact that I posted before you said you made no difference. At my initial response it was about 19yo males.

needthisthread · 12/03/2019 19:41

I take you don't have a daughter?

I have 2. But like I said, I responded to your comment about 19yo men. Not women.

needthisthread · 12/03/2019 19:42

Dramatic and odd to not want my son judged as a potential sex offender Hmm

Ok. Crack on...

IncrediblySadToo · 12/03/2019 19:44

needthisthread I really think you need to find someone to talk to about this. Your over reaction to the facts is unreasonable.

IncrediblySadToo · 12/03/2019 19:46

...and as for 19 year old men.

Seriously, stop making me laugh. They might be ‘young adults’ at best, though ‘teenagers’ is a better fit. They’re most certainly NOT men.

Original poster
maloofhoof · 12/03/2019 19:47

Where did I say the 19year old could be a potential sex offended?!! I don't know this random teenager. Why on earth would I trust him to supervise my younger daughter? If you'd allow a 19 year old to supervise your 15 year old daughter then that's fine for you. It's not for me nor would I allow my 19 year old, regardless of sex, to supervise their younger siblings and their two friends.

OP posts:
64sNewName · 12/03/2019 19:48

I have a son and a daughter and although they are young, I can’t imagine that as they grow I will expect people who’ve never met them to automatically trust either of them.

Surely trust, and especially trust in a position of responsibility like keeping an eye on three young teenagers overnight, needs to be earned to some degree. It’s not like we default to trusting every person till they break it.

Original poster
maloofhoof · 12/03/2019 19:55

I think, the way the world is now, it would be silly to just trust someone you don't know. How would I have felt if I'd allowed her to go and the unthinkable happened. I'd rather come across as overprotective than the alternative. 25 years ago I was 15, times have sadly changed however even then I made silly choices that could have gone horribly wrong.

OP posts:
needthisthread · 12/03/2019 19:56

Where did I say the 19year old could be a potential sex offended?

You didn't. Somebody else kindly dropped that one in.

needthisthread · 12/03/2019 19:57

incredibly

I agree with that. It was OP who termed 19yo man, I just used man/men as I was quoting and discussing.

needthisthread · 12/03/2019 19:59

I really think you need to find someone to talk to about this. Your over reaction to the facts is unreasonable.

Well I'm hardly sat here fuming about it. This is a discussion forum, no? So I can post that it makes me feel sad for people to judge my son, your son, everyone else's son?

I don't need therapy or anything, I will be on. Just chilling with a cup of tea and watching some football. Thanks for your concern though.

needthisthread · 12/03/2019 20:02

If you'd allow a 19 year old to supervise your 15 year old daughter then that's fine for you.

I actually wouldn't. And I touched on this way back when I said the 19yo would not be 'in charge' or controlling and in this situation you need to be able to trust your DD. I wouldn't trust one of mine not to get absolutely rat arsed so no, I wouldn't leave her under the supervision of a 19yo. That however is more of a judgement on her than and potential 19yo sibling of a friend.

Loopytiles · 12/03/2019 20:07

I well remember the peer pressure of going out to dark parks or to meet boys when on sleepovers when parents were out late or away. I wish I had been able to be honest with my parents and had help coming up with some “face saving” get-out lines.

Justgivemesomepeace · 12/03/2019 20:11

Im my mind that would not be a sleep over with a 19 yr old supervising. That would be a party with alcohol, and loads more kids there including big brothers mates. It would be a no from me but you know your daughter and her friends. I know what mine would be up to.

Original poster
maloofhoof · 12/03/2019 20:11

Well I trust my DD to be home alone, I also trust her to be home alone with her brother. I do not trust her to be alone with two friends overnight whether that be at my house or the friends house, be that with those 3 without a parent or with a random older sibling supervising. If that's offensive then so be. It's not something to be offended by, it's a normal and sensible way to think as a parent!

OP posts:
needthisthread · 12/03/2019 20:15

Well I trust my DD to be home alone, I also trust her to be home alone with her brother. I do not trust her to be alone with two friends overnight whether that be at my house or the friends house, be that with those 3 without a parent or with a random older sibling supervising. If that's offensive then so be. It's not something to be offended by, it's a normal and sensible way to think as a parent

I agreed with you in the main. If you don't trust your DD then she doesn't go. Which is exactly what I would do. But my reason would be based on trusting her to make the right decisions (which I don't) rather than because I didn't trust the older sibling.

I'm not offended, it just makes me sad that sons are judged this way. But like I have said twice, my comments about this were before you said the same for females.

Original poster
maloofhoof · 12/03/2019 20:17

I'm also "one of those parents" that doesn't allow her kids to hang around shops and parks. My daughter doesn't have a curfew, for the simple reason, unless she's going somewhere, she's at home. She can go shopping, to the cinema etc, to friends, however she doesn't just go out to hang around and never has nor has she ever asked to.

OP posts:
Original poster
maloofhoof · 12/03/2019 20:19

Even the most trustworthy teen in the world has the potential to be influenced under peer pressure, which I'm not willing to entertain.

OP posts:
needthisthread · 12/03/2019 20:20

maloof

This is exactly how mine were all brought up.

Original poster
maloofhoof · 12/03/2019 20:20

And no, I don't trust anyone's older sibling, regardless of their gender.

OP posts:
needthisthread · 12/03/2019 20:26

And no, I don't trust anyone's older sibling, regardless of their gender.

Again, I acknowledge that I responded before you said that. I took it as a judgement against '19yo men' not older siblings in general. I also don't disagree with your decision.

saltymofo · 12/03/2019 20:27

I have a DD15 and it would be a no from me. At the moment she is not an adult and is my responsibility. Plenty of time for home alone sleepovers when she's 16+.

Mmmmbrekkie · 12/03/2019 20:49

@needthisthread

I recall you from another thread

If you genuinely respected your 19 year old as you seem to on this thread, then why are you referring to her as a him? She has asked to be referred to as female and not male.

needthisthread · 12/03/2019 20:56

If you genuinely respected your 19 year old as you seem to on this thread, then why are you referring to her as a him? She has asked to be referred to as female and not male.

I do genuinely respect my 19yo SON. I refer to him and him because he is MALE.

You should have read my other post a bit more thoroughly before trying to use it against me.

Let me save you the bother. My 19yo is MALE. My 16yo is mtf trans, my 15yo is FEMALE and my youngest is MALE.

I was asked if I had any daughters and I said yes, I have 2. By saying that I did indeed respect my child's wishes.

Just for the record though, if you read my posts on the trans thread you would realise how difficult things are right now. It's pretty low to try and use someone's post about personal difficulties to try and get one up on them.

girlinawhirl · 12/03/2019 20:58

@maloofhoof I think you've absolutely made the right decision.

When I was 16 my mum allowed me to go on holiday with a friend and her parents and brother to their house in France, What she wasn't aware of and neither was I until there was that her mum had agreed for other men ( they were early 20's) to meet us there and also stay and they the parents left for a week. I slept with one of those men a few days in after a night of playing drinking games etc as did my friend with another of them.

This was appalling parenting from her Mum, what did she think would happen between 16 year old girls and young men with no supervision.

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