DD15 sleepover with no parents present

[maloofhoof]

DD15 is due to go to her friends tonight for a sleepover along with another friend. After speaking to one of the parents I've been told neither mum or dad will be home tonight and that the friends 19 yr old brother will be there to supervise. I'm really not comfortable with this, and had no idea until now that this was the plan. Would you let your 15 year old still go?

no way

I offered to have them here instead but the other girl is still going. Suspect her mum doesn't know no parents are there.

I don't think it's mollycoddling. This is the first time I've refused her going somewhere.

I text the mum to say she's not going and the reason why, she said she presumed I knew they were away overnight.

@maloofhoof I am glad you stuck to your instincts and that your daughter didnt make too much fuss about it. Shame they did not take you up on the offer to host it.

Most kids do not move out at 16 and those who do don't necessarily do it because they're mature and sensible - often it's over difficult behaviour and family breakdown. Irrelevant argument in my view.

If you feel uncomfortable that's good enough. You know your child best. The level of maturity at 15 varies considerably. Personally I think sneaking to a park in the night is massively alarming - I doubt they'd be meeting other kids to play on the swings. And though 99 times out of 100 nothing would go wrong, that's no reason to do it.

Can't understand why parents would think it ok to leave other people's children alone in their house all night. I guess the 19 year old could be very responsible though? But at the very least they ought to check how the other parents feel.

Sundance2741 I agree. I suppose, as the 19 year old is their son, they know whether he's capable however I and the other girls parents don't know that. I am slightly baffled that the mum didn't let me know the situation beforehand. My DD doesn't seem to be upset/angry with me for not allowing it. This is uncharted territory for me as DS17 is only just starting to want to go out with friends so I never had these predicaments when he was her age.

Coming late to this thread but I think you probably made the right call. I have a very sensible, trustworthy 19 year old DS myself and a wayward 15 year old DD. DS is just about ok being left in charge of DD on her own but when she has friends round he's too wary of them to have any authority over them. I wouldn't leave them together overnight and allow her to invite friends round. I don't feel it would be fair on him

I would let her go off she is trustworthy. What are you worried about?

No from me
The brother being present makes it worse not better- will he have friends there too?

As I said up thread, I was worried for several reasons. Last time she stayed there she came home upset as the friend and a few others had snuck out in the middle of the night to go to the park. In addition to remembering my own 15 year old self where I lied about where I was and was drinking, smoking and out and about in the early hours.

I was told it was just the 19 year old brother there to supervise but he's not my son, I don't know if he would have had friends over or whether or not he's a suitable and responsible adult.

I wouldn't have had a problem with this scenario. I trust my daughter - she was babysitting at 14 and looking after other people's children. She also knows her own mind and is very sensible whilst still having fun.

To be honest it sounds like you are holding your daughter to account for your own bad behaviour when you were young. Do you wish you had been prevented from going out as well? I presume you think you turned out okay but you just don't think your child would. Double standards?

You would let her stay with her 17yo brother but not with her friends 19yo brother?

Yep - would be fine with this. These things are a rite of passage for all young people.

If you are worried just make sure she has a mobile with credit and your number programmed ready.

I know my DS17, I've never met this random 19 year old? How can I compare them? I think it's naive for any one to trust a 19 year old man to be in charge of three 15 year old girls.

I know my DS17, I've never met this random 19 year old? How can I compare them? I think it's naive for any one to trust a 19 year old man to be in charge of three 15 year old girls.

Why? What are you suggesting the 19yo man is going to do? In charge of them? They are not a bunch of animals, they are 15yo's. They don't need someone to take charge of them. Supervision so they don't have a wild party, but aside from that they are plenty old enough to crack on without anyone controlling them.

It's very sad they way you have made a judgement of the 19yo. This kind of thing literally makes me cry for my DS.

needthisthread well that's a rather dramatic response. I trust my DS, however I don't trust someone else's, who I've never met. Nor would I expect another parent to trust mine to supervise their daughter and her friends.

My DD is only 13, so my answer may well be different in 2 years time, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to prevent my DD from going. Surely, you have to trust her not to behave stupidly. If she wants to sneak off to the park, drink alcohol, etc, she will do so, whether or not the other parents are around. (As you say, it already happened, that 2 of her friends snuck out last time, and the parents were there). All you can do is remind DD of the possible dangers and trust that you have done enough with her upbringing that she behaves responsibility. I guess also, it depends on the other 2 friends. One of my dd's friends might be more likely to push the boundaries, so I would talk to my DD about how to deal with any issues that may arise, so she felt she could phone me if things were developing in a way she was uncomfortable with.

Don’t see why the OP is being given a hard time here. At fifteen going out to a sleepover where there are no parents present is not a right of passage. They’re fifteen not adults but at fifteen they probably think they know it all - they don’t.

And while at sixteen a young person can move out, have a family and join the army, we don’t encourage them to do it do we?

And no I wouldn’t trust a nineteen year old to supervise other people’s children not because I think the nineteen year old can’t be responsible, but because at nineteen he himself has probably just moved out and is finding his freedom. And the fact the parents never communicated that they actually weren’t going to be there for this sleepover seems to me to be very clear indication that they knew some might not be happy with this.

There’s a vast, vast difference between leaving your own two kids of fifteen and nineteen in the house together overnight and having one of the kids have a load of mates over potentially with alcohol and everything else that brings and expecting the nineteen year old to be responsible for them. It’s not fair on the nineteen year old either imho.

well that's a rather dramatic response.

Hardly.

I trust my DS, however I don't trust someone else's, who I've never met.

No but you should trust your DD.

Nor would I expect another parent to trust mine to supervise their daughter and her friends.

But you trust other parents

needthisthread well that's a rather dramatic response.

Agreed

My dd is 14 soon to be 15 and no I wouldn’t allow it either. I think the presence of the older brother makes things worse not better, what if he decides to invite his friends over? They may well be older still. These things often end up be becoming huge unsupervised house parties.

So it would be a definite no from me.

The fact your dd has accepted your decision so readily is telling, perhaps she was also worried.

I would tell the parents of the other friend. I would def want to know.

I don’t think this would bother me. Me and my best friend routinely stayed alone at one another’s houses when our parents when on holiday from the time we were about 15.

No but you should trust your DD.

There’s now “should” about it.

Being concerned about a 19 year old being responsible is hardly uncommon.
Hence why car insurance premiums for under 21 for example are sky high. Why? Because proven more likely reckless driver

This kind of thing literally makes me cry for my DS.

Not automatically assuming a 19 year old you don't know is completely trustworthy makes you cry? Seriously?

Er, no.

I would allow the 15yo to go because she’s pretty risk averse and would call me if she didn’t like what was happening and I know her friends etc. I’d be less happy about an older brother being there in case he invited friends and it got a bit out of hand.

By 15 I don’t expect other teens parents to inform me whether they’ll be home or not, but equally I have no issue phoning to find out.

Your DD sounds like she’s happy to have an excuse not to go, so I’d leave it at that.