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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

‘Rules’ for 18 yr old

29 replies

Jungfraujoch · 04/03/2019 22:56

Just curious how it works in your house? DS will tell me now he’s 18 he can do what he likes (or not).

I realise that but still expect respect while living with me. Just simple things like where’s he going, rough idea when he’ll be back etc - or should I not ask?!

OP posts:
PetuniaPetunia · 04/03/2019 23:03

You live together so yes it is reasonable for him to tell you when he'll be back. If he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to behave like one, in ,my opinion.

BackforGood · 04/03/2019 23:04

Whilst he is living under your roof / as part of your family, he should show the same courtesies as everyone else in the house, yes, including when he is going out / where he is going / a rough idea of when he will be home / how he is getting home / if he wants food / etc.
The same as I would expect from my dh and that my dh would expect from me.
When you love people, you worry about them, apart from the practicalities of planning meals, etc.

curtainpole12 · 04/03/2019 23:06

Where he's going- no none of your business
When he'll be back-again not really your business

Do you have a key to get back in?- absolutely fine
Shall I cook for you tonight or not?- absolutely fine

He's an adult, if he was at uni or living alone you wouldn't know where he was or why time he was going to be home so I don't really feel you can ask him, but you can as I say a live, check he has his key so he isn't waking you up to get in, and making sure that he is around for tea so you aren't cooking extra for him if he's not going to be around for it- yes they're absolutely ok things to check

Original poster
Jungfraujoch · 04/03/2019 23:06

Thank you both. Generally he does tell me but when he’s not so forthcoming I worry which then winds him up - excuse me for caring!!

OP posts:
PandaG · 04/03/2019 23:11

While my 18 yo was still at school he had to tell us where he was, what time he was getting back, and ask permission to be out past 11/12 - which was pretty much always granted. Once A level exams were over, he simply had to inform us he would be late, and text if plans changed - in a similar way that DH and I let each other know what we are doing. I explained that I wanted to know where he was, so if something happened I wouldn't look completely incompetent on Crimewatch, and he understood my concern! We restated these 'rules' at Christmas when he was home from university, but he was happy to comply.

Original poster
Jungfraujoch · 04/03/2019 23:18

Panda your Crimewatch comment made me chuckle!

OP posts:
theworldistoosmall · 04/03/2019 23:26

Mine would give me a rough time they would be back, and send me a quick text to let me know they were on their way and travel plans. If staying out they would let me know earlier in the day/week.

Food they would text during the day to let me know plans unless we already had something arranged.

It was never really discussed as an arrangement when they turned 18, they just continued the same from when they started going out.

ashvivienne · 05/03/2019 04:52

DD2 is 18 although she isn’t in school and works FT and also has a car if she’s going out I’ll ask where she’s off to and if she knows if she’ll be out late but that’s about it if she’s not home and I’m putting dinner on I’ll text and ask if she wants some made for coming in

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/03/2019 06:59

I can’t imagine my 18 year old asking permission to be out later than 11/12 Shock

corythatwas · 05/03/2019 16:14

I have one of these. I expect the kind of courtesy I would from any other adult whom I was not married to but who shared the same house, basically enough information for me to get on with my life: will you want supper (or can I eat the last chop?), are you going to come back tonight or tomorrow (so, should I lock up? will that noise at 3 in the morning be you or a burglar? does your non-appearance indicate a plan or should we start ringing the hospitals?)

Even if you lived in a house share, you would inform your house mates if you were going away for the weekend: I don't think ds should be less courteous than his sister, who is in shared accommodation, would be towards the other occupants .

notacooldad · 05/03/2019 22:34

Ds is 18 nearly 19 and at college.
He always tells us where he is going without us asking " just out out to Dan,s. I'll be back for tea, see ya later, have a good day' then a kiss and hug.
We do same to him but there again everyone always ' checks out' or ' checks in' eg he'll always come for a quick chat and ask about our day. We've always been like that with each other as a family.

He stops out quite a bit at his girlfriends or she stops with us. Occasionally I'll ring to see if he is definitely stopping out because the doppy devil sometimes forgets to take his key and I'd rather check he had it than it cause a problem.
He is no problem at all.

Original poster
Jungfraujoch · 09/03/2019 23:06

Thanks for all your comments. Going with the flow here 😄. Until he passed me on the landing just now and said his mate was coming to pick him up and he’s going out for a few hours - back about 2/3 am.

Normal?!

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 09/03/2019 23:13

"Even if you lived in a house share, you would inform your house mates if you were going away for the weekend"

Not necessarily, no.

Springiscomingsoon · 09/03/2019 23:29

I'm with the relax he is 18 brigade .... that is until my ds is 18 then I'll be tracking him on his iPhone Wink
Seriously though try to go with the chatting about what he is doing rather than interrogation. My DM still does this to me and it drives me crazy! I think I may have just lied about it when I was 18 Blush

Sundance2741 · 10/03/2019 07:37

My 18 yo has some needs so is less mature than the average (so we worry more) but my view is that living as part of a family means you show some consideration and respect to them. So yes, you do say roughly what you're doing and either when you'll return or that you'll message that information later. She does complain that I ask too much so I try to only ask for basics.

I don't think you'd do that with house mates (sure I never did) but a family who have emotional ties is different. It's not relevant that a person that age could be living away at university. Of course then, the expectations would be different. And you wouldn't be aware they were out so not waiting for their return.

I find it strange how much we talk about "now she's 18" and what that means. I don't recall thinking that way when I turned 18 although I also can't recall how much information I gave my parents when I went out!

Highlights12 · 10/03/2019 11:02

Just cos they turn 18 & are an adult doesn't stop you worrying in fact I worry more now. Mine go into town & come home next morning. I know roughly when they will be in, if spending next day at a mates they txt just to say be in later today. I just want to know there ok. Took a while to get used to them going out when I was going to bed & coming home when I was up.😀

Original poster
Jungfraujoch · 10/03/2019 13:13

Highlights that is exactly it! To be fair to DS he doesn’t go out much but I think that’s why I’m struggling with it! He caught me on the hop last night with announcing he was off out at 11pm - god I’m getting old 😉😂

OP posts:
lljkk · 10/03/2019 17:56

DD is 17yo. I ask her where she'll be so I can tell the police where to start looking. Sometimes I get a clear geographically specific answer :).

IdaBWells · 10/03/2019 18:04

My dd is 18 and still at school, going to university after the summer. She can drive and has her own car. She’s quite a homebody who likes her own bed so doesn’t stay out that often. I trust her and I’ve also had chats with her about how, just for my own peace of mind I like to know where she is. For the same reason, if she didn’t come home I would want to know where she had been last to report to Crimewatch. Just so I know where she is for safety. She is great and usually just drops a text to me “arrived at Leila’s” or “arrived at the concert” etc. and the same thing especially if she is at a gig or concert, she’ll let me know she’s leaving and where she’s going.

Otherwise she rarely goes out on a school night as she has a ton of homework, she also has leadership roles where she has responsibilities. So she does do chores around the house but not that much really as she is so busy.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/03/2019 18:15

I had a curfew until I had finished high school (end of 6th form). I might have been an adult legally but I was dependent on my DF for the roof over my head and the food on my table. No idea what would. Have happened if I'd just said no.

Once I was at Uni it was more tell him when I'd be home

Gwenhwyfar · 10/03/2019 21:07

" I might have been an adult legally but I was dependent on my DF for the roof over my head and the food on my table"

If you were still living at home at 30 it's possible that you'd still only be paying for your keep rather than full rent so it's not really about being financially independent, is it?

SleepingStandingUp · 11/03/2019 01:11

My point was I was still in school, not paying any board etc. Nothing dramatic changes at the midnight point in real terms. Yes legally but not in who you are.

At 30 if I had been living at home I'd have been paying 1/3 of the bills and working full time. Id have been making independent decisions for well over a decade.

Decormad38 · 11/03/2019 01:16

I used to ask that she didn’t return home with more than 4 friends and later than 5 am because they would be sleeping all day and that would be annoying! Miss her now she’s moved out thoughGrin

lljkk · 11/03/2019 06:15

Friends had rules that if they were out at midnight they had to stay out until 6am. Parents got fed up with being woke up by Loud 2-4am entrances.

Fazackerley · 11/03/2019 06:20

If they are at school doing a levels then going out until 3 is not in unless holidays and occasionally.

If they are finished with school and working then it's up to them.