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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Husband calls daughter rude

76 replies

justonemorecherry · 16/02/2019 23:44

Hi all

Sorry for the long post but I'm having a hard time at home at the moment and need some perspective. I've been with my husband for 6 years, have 2 dd and I also have a dd (14 ) from previous marriage.

Dd lives with us full time and sees her dad every other weekend. Since meeting dh, we don't do much fun things together as we used to. Hardly anything at all since dd3 was born. She has an amazing relationship with her dad and she also likes my dh. Unfortunately dd and dh have arguments on monthly basis. Few days ago my dh went out to get some pizza and when he came back he put the pizza down to take his coat off. Dd ran towards him saying FOOD, FOOD and took the pizza.
Dh raised his voice and called her rude. She answered back saying she was playing(she does that to me), and was really upset that he was so offended by her "joke".
Dh came to me and started to saying how rude she was for not saying thank you for getting the pizza, daughter comes in and they started to argue again. I said to him that was a joke and he goes mental saying that I have undermine him and so on. Then dh is angry with me, dd is crying her eyes out in the kitchen asking why he has to be so rude to her.
I would probably agree with him that it was wrong of me to say that in front of her, but for the last 6 years I have seen him calling her rude a lot, lazy, ignoring her, being sarcastic, and basically criticizing her to me on so many occasions. On the other hand he does take her out sometimes. She said to me she doesn't enjoy sitting downstairs with us as dh is always criticizing her or making her feel inadequate. I feel that, he basically resents the fact that I have a daughter from another man.
AIBU to think that my relationship might be damaging to my daughter's mental health?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 16/02/2019 23:47

Yes I do. And you risk her leaving home as soon as she can, too.

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 16/02/2019 23:49

Yup, he's emotionally abusing her. Has she asked to live with her dad yet?

PanamaPattie · 16/02/2019 23:49

He sounds like a cock. Your DD is feeling pushed out. It's not his place to discipline your DD. I feel sorry for her.

GreenTulips · 16/02/2019 23:49

And taking up with the wrong sort

Your husband is the adult and needs to change his attitude - your DD doesn’t feel welcome in her own home and she’s telling you loud and clear - but you aren’t listening

lunar1 · 16/02/2019 23:52

I honest don't know why parents allow this to happen to their children. It's not a one off about pizza, your child hides in her room. Why are you allowing this?

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 16/02/2019 23:56

No, you are not unreasonable to think that you’re husband is damaging your daughters mental health.

Unless you do something to protect her, I foresee her leaving home very soon (to her Dad’s or just out) because your husband will have succeeded in making her feel like she is not part of the family and unwelcome.

Then he will have achieved what he appears to have been working away at for the last few years - a family with you and only his own biological children.

You need to stop this. You are her mother. If you won’t stand up for her, who will? How let down must your poor daughter be feeling right now!

LovingLola · 16/02/2019 23:57

So from the get go, 6 years ago, he has criticised her, called her rude and lazy, ignored her, was sarcastic towards her ? So he was emotionally abusing her? And yet you married him and had children with him ???

pallisers · 17/02/2019 00:00

but for the last 6 years I have seen him calling her rude a lot, lazy, ignoring her, being sarcastic, and basically criticizing her to me on so many occasions. On the other hand he does take her out sometimes. She said to me she doesn't enjoy sitting downstairs with us as dh is always criticizing her or making her feel inadequate. I feel that, he basically resents the fact that I have a daughter from another man.

Please read that over to yourself.

Your poor daughter. She will be gone from the house as soon as she can and she will end up as one of the posters on MN saying things like "my mum married this man who basically resented me so from the age of 8 I felt unwelcome in my own home and it got even worse in the teen years. She now wonders why we're not close but I just can't trust her - she put him before me for years and even now he gets a dig in when I visit them"

your dh needs to cop himself on right now. I wonder will he?

Original poster

justonemorecherry · 17/02/2019 00:02

Thanks all. Dh insists there's nothing wrong the way he talks to her and makes me feel like I don't discipline her at all. A bit of background inf, all friends, family, school teachers always praise her for being polite. I know her phone password, she shares quite a lot with me, she is a such easy teenager who gives me no worries apart from sometimes not cleaning her room or going to bed past midnight. Dh on the other hand is well known for his high standards by family and friends.... told him I want a break from this relationship if he doesn't change as I don't want her to grow up in this environment

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 17/02/2019 00:02

So when you first got together and he called your 8 yo rude, lazy etc you thought "yeah, he's the one for me. I'll marry him and have more kids with him, he seems like great step Dad material"?

He clearly doesn't like her

I'm amazed she's not living with her Dad tbh

SleepingStandingUp · 17/02/2019 00:03

told him I want a break from this relationship if he doesn't change as I don't want her to grow up in this environment six bloody years to late

Original poster

justonemorecherry · 17/02/2019 00:05

Agreed. I think I have been in denial and trying to minimize the damage he is causing her.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 17/02/2019 00:07

I don't understand how him criticising your 8 yo didn't put you off before you got to this point

RubyViolet · 17/02/2019 00:14

I was your daughter. My Mum chose her new husbands happiness over mine. He came into our lives when l was 9 and drove a wedge through the family. I left home at 18 for uni and never felt welcome at home again. They repurposed my bedroom as a study and gave away all my clothes and childhood toys and my Mum let that happen.
Once l was out of the picture he turned his anger towards her and made her life even more miserable. I wasn’t welcome at home from that point.
I made a success of my life and he then tried emotionally blackmailing me and my Mum to be in my life again. He couldn’t understand why he wasn’t invited to stay in my holiday home etc etc...
My Mum divorced him and we are attempting to rebuild our relationship, it will never be the same. She chose him, l feel obligation rather than any deep affection for my Mum now. He destroyed that.
Please hold your daughter close.

Original poster

justonemorecherry · 17/02/2019 00:15

Crying my eyes out now. He always made me feel like he was doing the right thing, he only has her best interest at heart etc etc. feeling extremely hurt, stupid right now.

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 17/02/2019 00:16

Your poor dd. That's so sad for her to have to feel that way in her own home. You're putting yourself and your wants before her needs by staying with him.

RubyViolet · 17/02/2019 00:19

You know you can change this, you know what to do. Be strong xx

Original poster

justonemorecherry · 17/02/2019 00:21

Thanks for the wake up call everyone, my daughter is everything to me! I will not lose her because of anyone or anything. It is hard to read these posts as I do love my husband but I cannot put my relationship before my daughter. This can literally destroy her future and her relationship with me.

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 17/02/2019 00:25

Op pls don’t berate yourself! Just make the best decisions now. You’ve got this! We all make bad decisions!

RubyViolet · 17/02/2019 00:26

If he loved you totally he would love your daughter too.
He sounds so much like my ex stepfather , he was wonderful to the world but such a bully and manipulator towards me and eventually my Mum.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/02/2019 00:32

How is he with his own kids?

lunar1 · 17/02/2019 00:42

Did he leave when you said you wanted a break?

Original poster

justonemorecherry · 17/02/2019 00:42

He is amazing with other two. But I have three kids not only two.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 17/02/2019 00:47

It's even worse he's OK with them because it isn't how he is, it isn't how he parents, it's about not liking your child

pumpkinpie01 · 17/02/2019 00:54

Going a little off topic but why don’t you and your daughter do things together anymore ?

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