Husband calls daughter rude

[justonemorecherry]

Hi all

Sorry for the long post but I'm having a hard time at home at the moment and need some perspective. I've been with my husband for 6 years, have 2 dd and I also have a dd (14 ) from previous marriage.

Dd lives with us full time and sees her dad every other weekend. Since meeting dh, we don't do much fun things together as we used to. Hardly anything at all since dd3 was born. She has an amazing relationship with her dad and she also likes my dh. Unfortunately dd and dh have arguments on monthly basis. Few days ago my dh went out to get some pizza and when he came back he put the pizza down to take his coat off. Dd ran towards him saying FOOD, FOOD and took the pizza.
Dh raised his voice and called her rude. She answered back saying she was playing(she does that to me), and was really upset that he was so offended by her "joke".
Dh came to me and started to saying how rude she was for not saying thank you for getting the pizza, daughter comes in and they started to argue again. I said to him that was a joke and he goes mental saying that I have undermine him and so on. Then dh is angry with me, dd is crying her eyes out in the kitchen asking why he has to be so rude to her.
I would probably agree with him that it was wrong of me to say that in front of her, but for the last 6 years I have seen him calling her rude a lot, lazy, ignoring her, being sarcastic, and basically criticizing her to me on so many occasions. On the other hand he does take her out sometimes. She said to me she doesn't enjoy sitting downstairs with us as dh is always criticizing her or making her feel inadequate. I feel that, he basically resents the fact that I have a daughter from another man.
AIBU to think that my relationship might be damaging to my daughter's mental health?

I did not wake him up for drama. I just couldn't wait to get it all out from my chest. He is very critical about the way I do things too, so I guess he is also affecting my mental health and stupid decisions I have made.

That's true about nothing he does or did is extraordinary. Just what any parent would do

He isn't her parent. She has a dad.

I mean parent or stepparent

Your DD sounds lovely and my heart honestly aches for her. How has this man been allowed to do this to you both?

Because I allowed him to. Is hard to accept but I have no one to blame but me. I allowed this to happened.

I imagine she will move out as soon as she can and minimise contact with your family unit. Poor girl her self esteem must be in tatters.

I agree your dh should in the least move out while he works on his behaviour. This will show your dd she comes first and you can explain why you’ve asked him to move out, it will also give you the chance to rebuild a relationship with her before she’s old enough to just leave herself. She needs to see you’re outing her first. My sister is my dads stepdaughter. He obviously treated her much different to me and my other sister who are both his.

It actually upset me to watch him argue with her all the time and every time she came home he would be saying one thing or another that she’d done wrong or looked wrong.
She moved out to work in a pub that provided accommodation with the job as soon as soon as she turned 18. It is awful to think my mother allowed that vs divorcing.

My sister did well for herself and ended up making a lot of money out of the property boom but now my mum who’s still with my dad will say my sister did well because my mum did right. I think it’s pathetic and actually have no respect for my mum so what I’m saying is it might not only be affecting your first dd.

@justonemorecherry This man has messed with your mind and made you doubt what you know in your gut to be true. Well done for standing up to him.

I'm also selfishly grateful to you for posting. My DH is like this with our oldest in particular. And for me, a reason they get away with it is by making us out to be soft. Something has always happened, ie DC needs telling off. So they paint it as us letting the kids off too lightly. But the way he does it is horrible and it criticises her as a person, not her behaviour.

I think you're getting a hard time from some posters OP. Yes it was bad to let it get to this point, but we don't blame abused women for being abused. He is to blame for the way he treats her. Yes you have allowed it up to this point, but you can't change the past. You're doing the right thing now moving forward. Don't allow it ever again. Good luck.

Thank you. Yes some post are a bit harsh but I understand where they are coming from

@doesntfeellikevalentines is the most horrendous feeling isn't it?!

OP you sound like you are going through everything I have been through over the last few years. My husband always wanted what's best for my children, would say things like he wants them to be happy, polite and kind, but it was all on his terms. He would put them down and belittle them and now I am trying to repair the damage that he's done. My teens also lovely people who work hard and achieving good things but they have trouble now trusting. Take a step out sit in your daughters shoes see how it would feel to be put down constantly in your own home. Would you allow a stranger to speak to her the way your husband is? If the answer is 'no' you have your answer. Look at how he speaks to you. Do you want your children group thinking it is ok?
Best of luck the change is in you what ever you decide

@justonemorecherry yes it is horrendous. And I'll bet he speaks like that to you and the other DCs too - even if it's less often. And this behaviour is abusive.

My mum chose men over me. She married 5 times. I love her but my god it caused untold damage that I am still trying to repair today. I'm glad you understand the seriousness of the situation op

I'm glad that you now see the truth. Put your daughter first always.

I think you need to put the brakes on, all this pointing out the issue and then showing him the door is a knee-jerk reaction.

I think you should show him the entire teenager board to see what other parents are dealing with such as school refusal, drugs, sex, violence etc to get a perspective on hormones/emotions and the toils of raising a teenager.

Then have a sit down talk with him about what you want from now on.

Anything 'nice' he does for your DD though is negated by treating her poorly too, it's not a weighing scale - do good, don't do bad or horrible detrimental things - simple

Justone..... hang on for a sec......

It's hard being a step-parent and I think you will get a much more understanding response on the step-parent section of this forum: TEENS. IMHO teens can be irritating and appear to be unreasonable, greedy and selfish. Without the natural parental love which is so intrinsic to a natural parent, it's hard to understand how someone who doesn't have that love will react. But it's guaranteed to be less sympathetic.
Think about the times your daughter wanted call in sick from school. I'm sure you were sympathetic and lenient, whereas your DH probably wasn't. This is normal. You can extrapolate that in many ways.

For example, my sister treats her son like little lord Fauntleroy. She takes him food while he plays Fortnite and will drive anywhere to get him McDonalds. She'll order anything he wants on Uber Eats. I just came back from a family holiday to her home country and I was like "omg she is ridiculous"! Then I came home and did pretty much did the same for my DD. And I realised I was doing the same. I'm a sucker for my DD and will do pretty much anything for her.

Being a step parent is so different to being a parent. The level of forgiveness is just not the same, and it's so easy for divisions to grow. Don't be angry at your husband. He's not naturally programmed to love and forgive her when he perceives these slights. It's stressful as fuck, for sure, but do some reading about it....and ask your question again on a forum with people with more experience.

Can I also say - on the other hand, my DH has grandchildren who come around all the time (toddlers). I don't have a lot of patience with them and I can see that my behaviour with them is different to his. He has that natural love for them that I don't have. I do have to grit my teeth at times. Frankly, I sometimes can't wait for them to leave. I can't imagine what it would be like if they were teenagers and I perceived that they were rude to me.

I think the key is to explain to your DH that your DD will gain a stronger self-esteem from a more positive and supportive relationship with him. He needs to know what an impact he has on her young development. This is easily solved, it's just a matter of communication.

Don't think you have to LTB - because, of course, nobody wants that, not least your daughter.

You're a family that just needs a bit more communication. I wish Mumsnet wouldn't be so cruel and full of condemnation sometimes. Some people who are commenting, know nothing about the nuances of living in a blended family.

Be kind and be open. Go play mini golf. Do something as a family.

Does mini golf work for physical abuse as well? Or just bullying and emotional abuse?

@Vagabond thank you. That was exactly what my psychiatrist said today! Wow.

@justonemorecherry I'm so glad to hear that. :)

OK if I add some balance from a bloke point of view?

I've not got stepkids but I do have a teenager. A teenager that can be a right PITA a lot of the time. Number of times both myself and wife have lost rag with him. I can only imagine how hard being a step parent to a teenager could be.

Not saying that OPs daughter is a PITA. Just saying a lot are. Perhaps shes not and is good.

Not saying the OPs husband is not a right dick. He might be or he might not be.

BUT, everyone's jumping on and giving this poor woman advice (and a bit of stick) based on probably a few hundred word post on an internet forum.

My father did this to me. No one stood up for me, and my mother stayed with my father for years before divorcing for other reasons. It destroyed my confidence in myself, and has, later on in life, really question why my mother chose her own desire to stay with my dad over protecting her child from mental harm.