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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Husband calls daughter rude

76 replies

justonemorecherry · 16/02/2019 23:44

Hi all

Sorry for the long post but I'm having a hard time at home at the moment and need some perspective. I've been with my husband for 6 years, have 2 dd and I also have a dd (14 ) from previous marriage.

Dd lives with us full time and sees her dad every other weekend. Since meeting dh, we don't do much fun things together as we used to. Hardly anything at all since dd3 was born. She has an amazing relationship with her dad and she also likes my dh. Unfortunately dd and dh have arguments on monthly basis. Few days ago my dh went out to get some pizza and when he came back he put the pizza down to take his coat off. Dd ran towards him saying FOOD, FOOD and took the pizza.
Dh raised his voice and called her rude. She answered back saying she was playing(she does that to me), and was really upset that he was so offended by her "joke".
Dh came to me and started to saying how rude she was for not saying thank you for getting the pizza, daughter comes in and they started to argue again. I said to him that was a joke and he goes mental saying that I have undermine him and so on. Then dh is angry with me, dd is crying her eyes out in the kitchen asking why he has to be so rude to her.Confused
I would probably agree with him that it was wrong of me to say that in front of her, but for the last 6 years I have seen him calling her rude a lot, lazy, ignoring her, being sarcastic, and basically criticizing her to me on so many occasions. On the other hand he does take her out sometimes. She said to me she doesn't enjoy sitting downstairs with us as dh is always criticizing her or making her feel inadequate. I feel that, he basically resents the fact that I have a daughter from another man.
AIBU to think that my relationship might be damaging to my daughter's mental health?

OP posts:
FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 17/02/2019 01:01

What did your DH say when you said you needed a break if this didn’t change?

And I agree - it’s even more upsetting to read that he is a good dad to your other two children. It really highlights the inequity.

Your poor daughter. You are the only person who can stick up for her, and she has been trying to tell you for years some thing isn’t right - and you know it and have seen it and have done nothing!

Sorry to be harsh, but you being upset now doesn’t help your daughter and doesn’t make up for what she’s been going through for the last few years. Don’t fail her now.

ohfourfoxache · 17/02/2019 01:12

Bloody hell, your poor dd Sad

And poor you - it’s a lot to take in Thanks

But do you know what? You’ve asked, everyone has said the same thing (probably only confirming what you already know) and you’re going to put your dd first. That’s the most important thing right now. You do have to make sure that you follow through, please don’t get sucked back in.

What did he say when you confronted him?

PrismGuile · 17/02/2019 01:34

It's a power struggle and I have a similar one with SDad. He is slightly harsher to me than his kids and seems to think i shouldn't treat him like my parent, no joking and all please and thank toys and best behaviour.

He needs to chill the fuck out and stop making her feel so watched all the time. She did nothing wrong except try and be playful she

AgentProvocateur · 17/02/2019 03:23

How upsetting. Your poor daughter having to live with someone who makes no secret of the fact that he doesn’t like her for six years. How can you turn it around now, OP? Short term, you need to spend some time with her on a one to one basis, build her confidence and show her that she’s loved and a priority.

Kirstie92 · 17/02/2019 04:02

H sounds like upper class? maybe middle class?
I come from a working class background living in the lower end of the middle class spectrum of things, I'm just so amazed at his response to her when she simply grabbed some pizza that wasn't hers. Like, surely just respond with a funny response joke or something? instead of being all serious about it ie rude.

Pillowaddict · 17/02/2019 04:10

Your poor dd - so glad you're recognising this now, and you need to tell her that you're putting her first. I remember my mum saying she refused to marry my step dad until he treated me and my sister better (he was v strict when he first moved in). We have a good relationship now, he loves us in his own way, and I will never forget how she put us first before their relationship. Your poor dd shouldn't be forced to put on best behaviour in her own home. This made me feel so sad thinking of a young teen wanting to play/have fun, and being rejected, not being allowed to feel comfortable in her own home. Don't let this continue.

ChakiraChakra · 17/02/2019 04:12

This is your chance. Don't waste it.

flumpybear · 17/02/2019 05:10

I'm sure with his own children he'd hade laughed off and said ....errr thank you is what you mean or something daft .... he's manipulating her for being a bit silly like we all are at times, or just doing something other than a robotic 'thank you' against her ... then using his authority as a parent to be shiity to her ... you'll find her resenting you or moving to her dad's house if you don't call him out on it

FlagFish · 17/02/2019 05:34

Your poor DD.

Hollowvictory · 17/02/2019 05:35

The choices some people make are literally unbelievably ludicrous. Poor kid putting up with this for year after year after year. Could she not move in with dad? There's no point pretending op will ever put dds needs above her own.

Original poster
justonemorecherry · 17/02/2019 05:42

Thank all of you for replying and giving me the kick I needed! And yes, husband comes from middle class, very strict slightly OCD family. Where everyone is quite critical and judgmental about one another.
I was in a way, so relived to read all the comments as it showed that I wasn't been over protective or overacting as we always argue when he was unfair to her.
I woke him up and asked him to read all the posts, then I asked for divorce. Told him I'm not messing with my daughter's future. He is being a dickhead and I'll not allowed this to continue!!!
I'm quite shocked as I have never seen him so upset. He wants to go counseling and do whatever it takes to make this work. Does a leopard changes its spot???

OP posts:
FlagFish · 17/02/2019 05:55

I believe in giving people a second chance... But only ONE chance. The very next time he calls your DD rude or lazy or is unpleasant to her, that’s it.

Hollowvictory · 17/02/2019 05:56

Yeah right.

Poppylizzyrose · 17/02/2019 06:01

I’m struggling to believe you woke him up and have asked for a divorce ? Especially
As you have two other children with him. I just doubt you have done this...

I hope he has read the comments or will read them.

Decormad38 · 17/02/2019 06:01

She sounds like an amazing young girl. She needs you as she is the child.

Decormad38 · 17/02/2019 06:05

Just put your dd first. Get out and about with her and start doing things and stop giving so much attention to him. You are still focusing on him now asking if he will change. You both need to bloody change. You have let all this happen to your dd.

Original poster
justonemorecherry · 17/02/2019 06:07

He was upset and said that it was unfair the way I posted as it only gave a snapshot of our lives. He moved houses to get her into a good school( we were not living together), as there was no good schools close to where I lived. He looked everywhere for her to have some help with her dyslexia. He drives to places whenever she wants. He pays for everything for her even though I get child maintenance from ex. H refuses to accept any money from me.
I told him that regardless of what he does, he is damaging all the good by chosen to label her with bad words. Is like having a good relationship with a partner but they hit you once in a while! Does it make ok for them to hit you because most of the time they are good? No! It doesn't,

OP posts:
Original poster
justonemorecherry · 17/02/2019 06:09

True! You are right!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
justonemorecherry · 17/02/2019 06:16

I did wake him up!!! Hence why I didn't reply for a while. I couldn't wait until morning. That's how upset I was. I'm so going to invest in my daughter. And yes, it is difficult to just leave a relationship like that. I'm a STHM and I do have two little ones with him. But if he doesn't get a grip and are telling me the truth I will not stay with him. And he knows as I left my ex and I can hold my own in regards raising my kids.
And yes my daughter is amazing.

OP posts:
Original poster
justonemorecherry · 17/02/2019 06:21

Will get some sleep now before kids are up. Will update soon. Feeling extremely drained.

OP posts:
Decormad38 · 17/02/2019 06:23

Good for you op. Just stay strong and look after her.

Hollowvictory · 17/02/2019 06:24

You have not 'held your own' regards raising your kids you've allowed your dd to be emotionally abused and chosen to have 2 more kids with him. You've allowed this to go on for years and years.
Now you've allegedly seen the light after posting here and instead of discussing sensibly with your partner you've woken him up to share the damascan epiphany you've had, for maximum drama and divorce threats.
Yawn.

lunar1 · 17/02/2019 06:38

When you consider giving him another chance, remember that your dd probably loves bedtime. It means that she doesn't need to find an excuse to hide away in her own home and can finally be rid of him for the day.

kbPOW · 17/02/2019 06:53

If you're going to give him another chance I would suggest that he moves out while he has counselling to look at his bullying and emotional abuse. But you do not owe him that chance and I would not give him it. The things you describe that make him an amazing SD are just ordinary things that parents and step parents do for their kids, with the possible exception of paying for everything. I would suggest that he feels deeply resentful of this, although you say it's been done at his insistence. Is he passive-aggressive in other ways? Regardless, you have been telling him his behaviour is not okay and he has been standing his ground, denying any wrongdoing and blaming your DD. How could he make up for years of doing that? I hate the pizza example. Your DD sounds lovely.

JenniferJareau · 17/02/2019 06:56

He is amazing with other two

Yes probably because they are his.

He moved houses to get her into a good school( we were not living together), as there was no good schools close to where I lived. He looked everywhere for her to have some help with her dyslexia. He drives to places whenever she wants. He pays for everything for her even though I get child maintenance from ex. H refuses to accept any money from me.

YET

but for the last 6 years I have seen him calling her rude a lot, lazy, ignoring her, being sarcastic, and basically criticizing her to me on so many occasions.

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